Can i win her back? Advice??

Billybo9

Hi...I broke up about 3 months ago with my ex-girlfriend.

Im 39 and we had going out for the past year, we did a lot together, travelled and saw each other a lot. I admit now I was passive in the relationship, from previous 'bad' experiences although i was loving but not fully committed, while she gave everything.

During the last few weeks of relationship, she had moved back to my town with view of moving in together but i withdrew and though she wasnt the one and it ended as i didnt feel connected. After the breakup i finally admitted to myself that i had a serial problem of non commitment and emotional intimacy. We spoke and met after that and she told me i needed to sort myself out but couldnt say anything more. She had been very very hurt. For the past 2 months i've been going to a councilor and still am and im confronted these issues ive always had, mainly due to a tough childhood.

During the past two months, i've been trying to keep in touch with my ex, as i know that talking is the key to a good relationship. im finding it tough emotionally as now i have a clear vision of what i want in the future and i want it with her. But i also know she's been hurt a lot and tends to avoid contact. Im not pestering her too much, maybe ringing 2 times a week and few texts....or is this too much??

When we talk and get on great, but it's up and down and past few days she's not been answering the phone or texts again, then sometimes she does. I dont know what to do. I want her back as i know we could have a really deep close relationship in the future if we can become close again. But getting her to warm back to me is proving very difficult. I dont really know what's going through her mind now and she hasnt said anything negative or positive. I want her to believe and trust me again.

Has anyone any ideas or been though this?

I am a friend

Well she doesnt trust you because you let her down badly so only time and showing her you won't do it again may work.

It's not clear if it will tbh. She made a massive move for you and was left with egg on her face. How do you know you won't do it again?

Payton

Seems she has trusted you and you have let her down, its a big commitment to move and then have it thrown back in her face.
She knows your trying to sort things out for yourself, personally id stop the texts and ringing. You both need to take a step back a see what you want.
If and when you are ready to look for a relationship you'll be in a better frame of mind, keep up the counselling and confront your issues and learn from it.
I wish you the best.

flowerchild

Skills in recovering from a fractious experience or a major negative are key to long term success within a relationship and across relationships. Conflicts will inevitably happen. It is really about how they are handled. All you can really control is how you handle them.

Step forward rather than back. Do not delay and 'give her space'. Tell her how you feel about her. Listen rather than talk. When you talk say specifically, clearly and without reservation that you are sorry, but don't wallow in it either.

Good luck.

Billybo9

Just a note on the moving, she is from my town and had finished her course in city, she returned and yes partly because of me too she decided to move back, she is still here on/off.
Thanks for all your advice

flowerchild

Billybo9 wrote: »

I want her to believe and trust me again.

Do yourself what you want her to do. Act with courage and tenacity. Be bold. Love her wholeheartedly, without reservation or fear.

Burn your boats.

Payton

We dont know the context of the texts or calls, you could be pushing her away.

TBH if she wanted to keep up contact she would, does she ring or text you or are you the one who makes the contact? because if she's not contacting you, maybe she doesnt want to.
Put yourself in her shoes.

flowerchild

Be bold. Don't pull back.

Billybo9

on the verge wrote: »

We dont know the context of the texts or calls, you could be pushing her away.

TBH if she wanted to keep up contact she would, does she ring or text you or are you the one who makes the contact? because if she's not contacting you, maybe she doesnt want to.
Put yourself in her shoes.

I've been keeping everything cheerfull but also dropping hints how I'm getting on n counselling and changes I feel. I do all the contact, as I know she's hurt and I've never got annoyed or aggressive even if she doesn't make contact for few days

I'll keep the faith

Distorted

You still don't sound as if you know what you want. All you are doing is offering her more of the same, but with the "privilege" of listening to your ponderings.

You're 39. Either decide to be single or bite the bullet.

Heres an off the wall suggestion. (Actually its not that off the wall as billions have gone before you). Propose to her, set the date and get married. Otherwise, at 39 and with a record of a committment phobe, you're not a very attractive proposition to her, now that she's broken whatever bond was keeping you together. I would think she is now considering that there may be other men out there who are better bets. Who knows how long your counselling and talking is going to take and what outcome there will be at the end of it. But I think you must realise that you do risk losing women if you don't want to commit, surely? That applies to any man with a girlfriend he doesn't want to lose.

Maybe you also need to offer some real emotion too? You don't sound as though you are all that bothered about losing her, but merely that your the routine of your life is mildly inconvenienced.

Beruthiel

Billybo9 wrote: »

But getting her to warm back to me is proving very difficult. I dont really know what's going through her mind now

I have a fair idea.
From what you said, she was well into you and the relationship.
But, you backed off.
As a result, she can no longer trust you and as she emotionally invested herself in you and the relationship, she got hurt by you.
In order to protect herself from being hurt by you further, she must keep her distance and not leave herself open to you again.
Once bitten, twice shy.

I want her to believe and trust me again.

Very difficult for her to do that after how you have behaved towards her.
I am a great believer in actions speaking louder than words.
In all honestly, what you say to her will not be taken as gospel or believed.
You have to know exactly what you want here and be absolutely sure of it.
I believe she will most likely take you back. (I'm assuming as she didn't tell you to fuk off)

My advice, be absolutely sure you want to be with this woman.
When you have decided, act, with no half measures and no more blowing hot and cold! No more messing with her head.
Make the gesture big so she is in no doubt.

Billybo9

You are both right 'Beruthiel' and 'Distorted'

I know she is the one, i may seem calm writing this all down, but my emotions have been through the roof the past few months and it's not getting any better. I love her madly and funny enough I already have bought a fab ring and will have it next week. I've been following bad advice up till now, where i was playing it easy and cool and trying to be friends first but i seem to be going backwards not forwards.

I will make the big step (hopefully i can convince her to pick up the phone and meet me) as in my heart i feel it's so right. I hope she will feel it too )))

Beruthiel

Billybo9 wrote: »

I will make the big step (hopefully i can convince her to pick up the phone and meet me) as in my heart i feel it's so right. I hope she will feel it too )))

Well, if you've already got a ring for her, then I presume a marriage proposal is on the cards?

Can I suggest something?
Make it special. A woman likes to be romanced Billy.
Book a good hotel, (eg - Ashford Castle rocks).
Call her up and tell her to pack a bag, you're taking her away for the weekend. Refuse to tell her where you are going but tell her to pack a nice dress.

I've been following bad advice up till now, where i was playing it easy and cool

You're too old to be playing childish games. Honesty is always appreciated.

flowerchild

I'm all for burning boats but I don't think when you are in conflict is the best time to propose.

Billybo9

First I want to reconcile and tell her how much I love her and that I want to commit to her and how I know it will work and why, and listen to her wants and her fears, I will lay my cards on the table

if we reconcile then I will propose as i want it to be romantic I think otherwise she may think I'm desperate if I propose while still her ex????

flowerchild

Billybo9 wrote: »

First I want to reconcile and tell her how much I love her and that I want to commit to her and how I know it will work and why, and listen to her wants and her fears, I will lay my cards on the table

Sounds great. Don't hold back.

if we reconcile then I will propose as i want it to be romantic I think otherwise she may think I'm desperate if I propose while still her ex????

I think she would lol. Even if you have just reconciled, otherwise you risk a volatile relationship.

Why not just go for a full reconciliation? Put aside marriage for the moment.

dancesatnight

ive a load of ebooks i can send if you like on how to win an ex back might work might not you never know

Taltos

Why not just lay all your cards out on the table.
As her to meet you for a coffee and explain yourself - be clear with her why you withdrew but you will need some way to convince her that you will not do this again to her - and I am not sure how you will do that.

Pulling the ring out at this stage may be premature - it may come across as the actions of a desperate man.
All you can do is be open and frank - and make promises that you will keep no matter what... Grovelling is not attractive but it can work sometimes - just don't make a habit of it.

Be prepared though - if she is of a similar age she might not want to waste anymore time on a potential flight risk so no begging or pleading in the world will change that. Also if she does take you back it could take her a very long time to let you back in again - so be prepared to work through the strain for a while.

Billybo9

Yeah I deffo want to reconcile first and make sure she is happy happy before any ring is pulled but I will tell her I want marriage in the future to show her how much I love her and that she's the only woman for me.

I texted her last night briefly saying how i felt and we spoke for a minute this afternoon. So we are going to talk tonight.

I'm just going to be honest and tell her how I feel and that ive never been so sure of anything in all my life, she is the woman I want and that I've over come my fears and want to open up and build a life with her

Billybo9

dancesatnight wrote: »

ive a load of ebooks i can send if you like on how to win an ex back might work might not you never know

Hi I have that book it's helpfull and I've been following it but I think here I need to tell her straight up how I really feel, I have been playing it cool and it's not working.

LegacyUser

Billybo9 wrote: »

I'm just going to be honest and tell her how I feel and that ive never been so sure of anything in all my life, she is the woman I want and that I've over come my fears and want to open up and build a life with her

Sounds like a plan alright. But as somebody else has already said, be sure this is what you really want. You're thirty nine, you only broke up with her three months ago, yet now you're claiming you know exactly what you want despite your past. I say this because I think it takes longer than three months to figure out what's going on in your head, confront it, and then live peaceably with it (believe me, I've been there and bought not only the t-shirt, but the whole production line!)

You owe it to yourself to sort things out in your head once and for all. It might take six months, it might take a few years, who knows? But you've all the time in the world to do this for yourself. You also owe it to your ex to dig deep inside you to really see if you ARE ready for a relationship. Do the groundwork on yourself now and you'll be a better man for it. Maybe your ex will be there when you're ready, maybe not. But don't base your recovery on someone else's time frame (ie she might move on without me) because it'll be harder to truly recover from your past.

There's no rush when it comes to something as important as your own well being.

Take care and best of luck.