Long story, but I am feeling confused. Hope third parties can see things clearer!

ab56

Been dating this guy for 7 months now and it has been full of ups-and -downs, so much so I am not sure if he really loves me.

I also think a lot stems from my insecurities.

Hope someone can shed some light!

We started out going on dates for about 1.5 months before we got together. It was amazing, we can really get along, we took time to date and get to know each other:). So it was a full 7 weeks before we were official.

We both agreed we wanted to keep things private, i.e.not tell others. The common reasons we had: a) we work in the same company b) it was too new c) he just ended a 7-8 year relationship 2-3 months ago. d) I just ended a 7-8 year relationship 6 months ago. Both of us didn't want to hurt our ex-partners cos we were both the ones who ended the r/s, leaving our exes devastated. This was one of the things that drew us both together (among many other similarities)- we understood the guilt of falling out of love with a long term partner. We are both no longer in love with our exes, but we care for them as friends/pple we have dated previously for so long.

Things were great the first two months.

And then things started deteriorating because of a few reasons.

First, i got very busy cos' a relative fell very ill. He was sweet to me but i threw 2 or 3 tantrums cos' i was really upset. He doesn't like this behaviour (but of course) but I was then travelling to a neighouring country once a week (my ailing relative lives overseas) and I was just stressed out.

Two, after three-four months of being with him, i was ready to be open about the r/s. By then, I would have ended my previous r/s for close to a year, and i thought my ex would be able to take it ok. But I found that my current bf wasn't ready.

Things got bad, we started quarrelling until he confessed to me point-blank, that he just wasn't ready to tell people about us. I have to make certain things clear: through the four months of dating, he has been nice to me, absolutely faithful, he is not in touch with his ex at all (well, she basically cut off all contact), he says he loves me, he stays in touch, doesn't disappear on me at all, respects me, all good with just this one BIG catch- he isn't ready to tell others.

But I figured, well, I took THAT long to be ready, i should give him more time.

And so another three months passed before I finally decided. Gawd, I have been dating this guy in secrecy (well, almost secrecy. A few of our closer frens know) for six months. I don't want to lie to suspicious colleagues. I wanna be able to say- yes i am dating so-and-so.

I issued an ultimatum, he said he would consider, I gave him time, but he came back within two days telling me he agrees to NOT hiding the relationship and that he is sorry if he hurt my feelings.

All should be fine and dandy now!

But no- and I think it is my problem. I have gotten insecure. Throughout this whole time, he left his pictures with his ex still on his FB. There weren't many- Just one album of a trip he took with her a year back, one pix of them together on his profile pix album and one other pix last year. At that point, he and his ex were alr facing problems, and they met infrequently. His friends were teasing him about having an imaginary lover, so he posted a picture with a caption along the lines of :"Take that, this is my gf for all to see". His relationship status was also "in a r/s with so-and-so" until his ex took the initiative to remove the link.

I am ok with the rest of the pix but this one affects me because it states categorically that she is his gf. I asked him to take it down cos' it affects me. He refused, saying that he doesn't see the point of removing pieces of his past. He finally gave in when he saw how upset I was and took down that single pix. The rest remained.

I have never been bothered by all these...but after six months of lying about the r/s, it just suddenly hit me. At this point, although he has agreed not to lie about the r/s, we are not really out in the open yet simply because the "ultimatum" took place just 2 weeks ago. So I can't see real changes yet.

Also, when he refused to take down that specific pix of his ex, I asked: "if that's the case, can u indicate that you are in a r/s with me since well, you were fine with doing that for your previous r/s? Or perhaps upload one pix of us on your fb"- he said he wasn't comfortable.

So...

what is this?

On one hand, i can understand. All in all, 7 months of being with me, two months of being single, he has only broken up with a long-term ex for 8-9 months. It took me about that long to be able to be open. Also, as i said, he says he loves me, he is very reliable, he respects me, calls/texts regularly and daily, is faithful.

But on the other hand, after 7 months of dating me, he still cannot change his r/s status or upload a pix of me? He still has pix of his ex on FB? It was such a big struggle to get him to remove just one pix of his previously? It took 6-7 months before he was ok with not hiding the r/s or lying about the r/s?

What should I do? Or am i just plain insecure? Please be honest.

LegacyUser

I've had this discussion with my mother before and we both agreed that fb is an absolute disaster. Too many people (including me) get too worked up about silly little things on it and read too much into others.

On the other hand, I also read a saying before saying "Any relationship you have to hide isnt worth being in" or somethings along those lines. At the end of the day, its you that he's in the relationship with, noone else. I know that both of ye didnt want to hurt ex's, but from what i recall, neither are in contact with you. So why is he hiding that he's in a relationship with you?

I am a friend

It sounds to an outsider that all you do is push and nag him and I haveto wonder how happy he is.

A sick relative was no reason to rear up onhim... After 7 months you should not be this insecure but it's hard to know if it's all coming from you.

ElleEm

ab56 wrote: »

Been dating this guy for 7 months now and it has been full of ups-and -downs, so much so I am not sure if he really loves me.

I also think a lot stems from my insecurities.

Hope someone can shed some light!

We started out going on dates for about 1.5 months before we got together. It was amazing, we can really get along, we took time to date and get to know each other:). So it was a full 7 weeks before we were official.

We both agreed we wanted to keep things private, i.e.not tell others. The common reasons we had: a) we work in the same company b) it was too new c) he just ended a 7-8 year relationship 2-3 months ago. d) I just ended a 7-8 year relationship 6 months ago. Both of us didn't want to hurt our ex-partners cos we were both the ones who ended the r/s, leaving our exes devastated. This was one of the things that drew us both together (among many other similarities)- we understood the guilt of falling out of love with a long term partner. We are both no longer in love with our exes, but we care for them as friends/pple we have dated previously for so long.

Things were great the first two months.

And then things started deteriorating because of a few reasons.

First, i got very busy cos' a relative fell very ill. He was sweet to me but i threw 2 or 3 tantrums cos' i was really upset. He doesn't like this behaviour (but of course) but I was then travelling to a neighouring country once a week (my ailing relative lives overseas) and I was just stressed out.

Two, after three-four months of being with him, i was ready to be open about the r/s. By then, I would have ended my previous r/s for close to a year, and i thought my ex would be able to take it ok. But I found that my current bf wasn't ready.

Things got bad, we started quarrelling until he confessed to me point-blank, that he just wasn't ready to tell people about us. I have to make certain things clear: through the four months of dating, he has been nice to me, absolutely faithful, he is not in touch with his ex at all (well, she basically cut off all contact), he says he loves me, he stays in touch, doesn't disappear on me at all, respects me, all good with just this one BIG catch- he isn't ready to tell others.

But I figured, well, I took THAT long to be ready, i should give him more time.

And so another three months passed before I finally decided. Gawd, I have been dating this guy in secrecy (well, almost secrecy. A few of our closer frens know) for six months. I don't want to lie to suspicious colleagues. I wanna be able to say- yes i am dating so-and-so.

I issued an ultimatum, he said he would consider, I gave him time, but he came back within two days telling me he agrees to NOT hiding the relationship and that he is sorry if he hurt my feelings.

All should be fine and dandy now!

But no- and I think it is my problem. I have gotten insecure. Throughout this whole time, he left his pictures with his ex still on his FB. There weren't many- Just one album of a trip he took with her a year back, one pix of them together on his profile pix album and one other pix last year. At that point, he and his ex were alr facing problems, and they met infrequently. His friends were teasing him about having an imaginary lover, so he posted a picture with a caption along the lines of :"Take that, this is my gf for all to see". His relationship status was also "in a r/s with so-and-so" until his ex took the initiative to remove the link.

I am ok with the rest of the pix but this one affects me because it states categorically that she is his gf. I asked him to take it down cos' it affects me. He refused, saying that he doesn't see the point of removing pieces of his past. He finally gave in when he saw how upset I was and took down that single pix. The rest remained.

I have never been bothered by all these...but after six months of lying about the r/s, it just suddenly hit me. At this point, although he has agreed not to lie about the r/s, we are not really out in the open yet simply because the "ultimatum" took place just 2 weeks ago. So I can't see real changes yet.

Also, when he refused to take down that specific pix of his ex, I asked: "if that's the case, can u indicate that you are in a r/s with me since well, you were fine with doing that for your previous r/s? Or perhaps upload one pix of us on your fb"- he said he wasn't comfortable.

So...

what is this?

On one hand, i can understand. All in all, 7 months of being with me, two months of being single, he has only broken up with a long-term ex for 8-9 months. It took me about that long to be able to be open. Also, as i said, he says he loves me, he is very reliable, he respects me, calls/texts regularly and daily, is faithful.

But on the other hand, after 7 months of dating me, he still cannot change his r/s status or upload a pix of me? He still has pix of his ex on FB? It was such a big struggle to get him to remove just one pix of his previously? It took 6-7 months before he was ok with not hiding the r/s or lying about the r/s?

What should I do? Or am i just plain insecure? Please be honest.

Wasn't comfortable with what, exactly?

I kinda get why he wouldn't want to erase pics of his past off his computer or whatever, but Facebook is a current thing. I also think it's a bit much that he won't indicate that he is in a relationship with you on Facebook, especially if he has nothing against it, having updated his status in the past with his ex.

In my eyes, he shouldn't have photos of his ex on his Facebook account, and I would be making it clear.

He is clearly not 100% behind telling people that you are both in a relationship and you both need to talk about it to get to the bottom of the reason. It's all a bit fishy. You are both separated from your exes, you didn't get together in some illicit affair so he has no reason to "not be ready"/ "comfortable" with letting people know that you are together.

Miss Fluff

A relationship between two people and the dynamic that goes along with that is for the most part, a very private and intimate thing. If things are good between you and you love and trust one another then why do you keep pushing for public (and very childish) updates and reports on the status of your relationship?

Having been public about his previous relationship on Facebook (I personally don't get that) he may be thinking that he doesn't want to make that mistake again if it's all going to go tits up. It's still early days and having gone balloobas with the guy already on numerous occassions for something that wasn't his fault I'm presuming that he may still be sizing it all up. Which it may well do if you continue on with your nagging.

You've told your close friends and so has he. Besides from you and your BF and family I presume they are the only ones that matter really? If it was me I'd want to keep it as private as possible in work too. Are you seriously that insecure? You're actually going to push him away if you're not careful.

LegacyUser

This is a no-brainer. He is still hung up on his ex. You are claiming the decisions to keep it secret was mutual but I think you're in denial to yourself.

Did she break up with him? I bet she did.

His excuses for keeping it secret are weak. Loads of couples work together. That's just a cover story.

ab56

Thanks for the replies!

Just to clarify some bits raised..

@ FBisdisaster: Yes, neither of us are in contact with ex. But i've been with my ex since we were in school. So while, i am not in contact with him, we still share many mutual good frens. I was scared they would find out, and tell him. Ditto for my bf- they were school sweethearts so plenty of common friends there.

@Guest: No..he broke up with her. She was very upset..

It would seem that the replies reflect what's on my mind haha...yeah, on one hand, i think i push/nag too much, that I would push him away. Yet, on the other hand, i am bothered enough to wonder why this is the state of the r/s.

What also bothers me is that after 7 months, i can't hold hands in public with him, feeling COMFORTABLE. This is the legacy of HIDING lol. I am so used to hiding it, and I think him too, that holding hands in public seem a bit forced/contrived.

I can see both points- he wants to be more private now. My own insecurities may also cause him to size up the r/s making him even more unwilling to make it open. But at the same time, I don't feel good. Argh.

Am supposed to meet him for a swim. I almost feel like cancelling. Just say that I am sick!

Taltos

OP - to be blunt - who cares what your ex's or your friends think?

If you both want to be with each other - and you both make each other happy that should be enough. Why make life more difficult by holding a relationship that almost reads as a Shakespearian play?

Maybe you do need to relax a bit more - not nag as much.
But maybe he too needs to realise that his actions can and do affect you.
Look - if you are an insecure person then this type of hide-and-seek relationship will just mess with your head too much - I mean are you 100% confident of where you stand with him?

After 7 months instead of getting more private and secretive I would have expected you both to be thinking about breaking the news to your friends.

Can I suggest that you both sit down somewhere quiet and calmly talk this through? You need to hold your hands up to the nagging - but be honest with him - explain how you are feeling in a non-accusatory way and talk this one through. Otherwise I would be afraid of this becoming a friends with benefits situation - where in private you have all the fun but outside to everyone else you are no more than mates/acquantances. I mean if no-one knows it is probably only a matter of time before one group of friends starts the whole matchmaking routine of surprise blind-dates etc... (extreme I know - but an example of the type of miscommunication that can happen).

Would also expect your friends though to be a little put out that you both lied to them for so long - just explain your reasoning and your desire to be sure before messing with the dynamics of the groups.

analucija

My partner and father of my child has his relationship status as "it's complicated". Maybe I should dump him.

Seriously, he might not be ready to tell family or friends for whatever reason, possibly completely unconnected with previous gf or maybe he just doesn't want to discuss his relationship with anybody (I have a brother like that). It doesn't seem very serious to me. Meet him for a swim and if he hides under the water every time when somebody you know comes in, then you probably have a problem but otherwise I wouldn't worry too much.

ab56

thanks for all inputs again!

for the time being, i am just coasting on while trying to remind myself to keep my options open.

just two days ago, he told me some colleagues were teasing him about us. Apparently they asked him if he was dating me. I asked him what he said. He basically just tried to evade their questions/avoid giving a direct answer.

When I made a face, he said: "But I didn't deny it!"

Later on, when I asked him- if a colleague comes to ask ME, can i say: YES, I AM HIS GF. His reply was yeah, you can.

Is that good enough?

ab56

And to clarify bits raised again.

@Fbisdiasater- totally agree that a relationship that must be hidden is not a relationship worth being in!

@ellen and @taltos: yes it is weird. It started off as hiding being the most natural option cos the r/s was new, we work together, we just ended very long-term r/s. BUT as months passed, i was ready. He wasn't. We already talked about it TWICE. so i dunno how to broach it again.

The first time was after 3-4 months when he just said he wasn't ready, but he doesn't know why. The second time was just a couple of weeks ago, when I issued the ultimatum. He agreed not to lie about it. He also took that that ONE pic of his ex which he captioned as "this is my gf". So I guess there is some progress. Somewhat.

I am not going to bother with FB for now, the rest of the pix of his ex can stay. I think i must be sure that this guy is not just paying me lip service but is really ready to say yes, she is my gf to people in general.

@analucija- FB is just the tip of the iceberg..i wouldn't be upset if it is just FB. It is just months of hiding. During the first three months- it was like no holding hands in public; he gets upset when we bump into people. Now it is better- he doesn't hide when he sees people he knows.

vicecreamsundae

I can see how the Facebook thing is a little hurtful, but I think you need to let it go. When I was with my school sweetheart (8 yrs!) I had tons of pictures of us on facebook, and had the relationship status etc. Since we broke, I took my status off facebook altogether, and I would be extremely hesitant to make another r'ship 'facebook public' again. It just strikes me as juvenile. He deleted the picture you were particularly upset by and thats a fair compromise so now just leave it be.

However, saying you don't feel you can hold hands with him in public is really sad. Hopefully that changes post-ultimatum, otherwise i'd seriously consider breaking up. It's been long enough.

I am a friend

Op you really can't see how desperate and domineering you come across in your posts.

You are ballyragging him into 'coming out'. Your relationship should notneed to be broadcast at work to make you feel secure with him. It all sounds very dodgy to me - what's missing in the relationship that makes you so insistent on going public with this?

If his status is that he's in a relationship with his ex, or that he's single, then I would understand you worrying. You said his ex took down the relationship status so I'm not sure what it would say now?

But as long as his status isn't advertising him being single, I'd have to say that you are being insecure.

ab56

@vicecream- yes i hope it does!
@i am a friend- yes, i do think i sound insecure too. The something missing comes from the hiding for six months. By hiding- i mean we tell people we are single, we are not dating, we try to avoid being affectionate in public. The ultimatum was 2 weeks ago- so I am trying to settle in. And nope, i was never obsessed with the ex until the hiding went on for too long. When i told him to take down that specific pix which bothered me- i asked him ok how bout u just leave the pix there? but we stop lying? not flaunt, but stop lying. And i asked- (although I would never do such a thing cos i've never indicated my r/s status on FB)- since u were willing to do that with ur ex/put her pix up, would u do so for me? he said no...he is not ready. That was before the ultimatum...

But yeah now i think i am obsessed with his ex. I wonder why he was willing to put up his pix etc. I am trying to STOP looking at her pix.

@true-or-false. Yup, it just says "in a r/s".

Ok..i think i am just gg to monitor. The fb thing isn't important now, but if he attempts to tell people he is single or deny that he is dating me, i will bail.

That should be reasonable....

Taltos

OP - are you 100% sure that in his mind your relationship is not so much a relationship and is instead a f-buddy kind of thing?
From your description of what you get up to that label would suit a hell of a lot faster.

I just don't get why you need to keep it all so hush-hush?
You are a better person than me because after 6 months I am afraid my self-confidence would have taken a hell of a battering from all of this secrecy.

ab56

trust me, if my self-esteem hasn't taken a beating, i wouldn't be here haha.

hush-hush: reasons explained in earlier posts.

**** buddy? i dunno- he says we are in a relationship, he says i am his gf, he is recently ok with me telling pple that he is my boyfriend. but i dun think he is that comfortable with calling me his gf. So yeah.

Ok i need to go and sleep. Feeling down.

holyhead

I can understand the FB angle, in case ye broke up and all the hullabaloo that comes with that. However outside of that if he loves you he should be proud to walk down the street hand in hand, and introduce you to one and all as his GF work colleagues or not. I mean people meet all places.

qwertytlk

BTo be honest its all a bit suspect to me.
What i really think though, is that he just not ready to be in a serious relationship with you (or anyone) at the moment. He was in a long term relationship and he is prob just coming to terms with the end of that, because it was almost a decade long. I know you have a similar past to him in that sense but everyone deals with things diferently. And from what you said it really seems that he is not comfortable with your relatioship. I mean he does not want people to know, he wonr change hos facebok relationship status and he seems to just be fighting you on every little aspect of making your relationship official, which lets face it, its never a good sign.
Maybe he doesnt want the ex to see whats going on his life because he cares more about her than he is letting on? You say he finished it because he fell out of love. Well maybe he didnt fall as much ot of love as he thought. Maybe the fact the relationship was so long things got boring/complacent. And now he is regretting ending it.

What does he actually say when you pull him up on any of the stuff you mentioned, what are his excuses@

ab56

@holyhead- yeah i see the FB angle too. Since he compromised by taking down the pix, I'm leaving off FB for a while.

As for telling all and sundry...we are both not the type to flaunt. So i just want to make sure he doesn't HIDE. I am monitoring it and if he hides, this is over...

ab56

@qwert. Of course you are right on most counts...three months into the r/s, he told me he wasn't ready.

I kinda still think he isn't ready...although i know he loves me. I don't really know how I know, but I know. He does things for me he won't do for others...and when i issued the ultimatum to him 2-3 weeks ago, I gave him one week to think things thru. I told him point blank if he wants to continue to lie about this, I am leaving him. He never left me alone for a single day. The next two days, he was texting/msning/me all the way..even when i was giving responses that were short/don't require replies. And yup, in 2 days, he told me he loves me, said sorry for hurting me and then agreed not to hide.

Of course he cares about his ex. I care about mine too. We are taking about close to one decade long r/s. While I am better off than him (guess cos i broke up earlier), i am still deep down worried that my ex will find out and be terribly upset. So yeah..

As for him regretting his decision to break up with his ex...well i wouldn't know that. But I don't want to think this way cos well, i just don't want to be negative...

I've actually thought things thru...

I love him, i dun have other options now anyway (haha) and as i said, somehow i know he loves me too.

But yeah i can see that he is hesitant...he isn't fully ready. Can't lie to myself there.

At this stage- if he continues to treat me well, be constantly there for me, and as promised- stop lying about us/admits he has a gf/and let me tell others we are together- I think i am satisfied.

But i am monitoring...if he lies about me/says he has no gf, it will be an immediate deal-breaker. Meanwhile, keep my options a bit open? haha...

And most importantly, i dun really want to get all upset about a man anymore! Enough of whining!

Thanks all for listening/providing inputs at a time when i was feeling so low though. Hope things work out for everyone...!=)

Taltos

Closing as from last post from OP initial issue appears to be resolved.
Best of luck OP.

Taltos