"You just don't think at all"

LegacyUser

I am in my mid-thirties and I've been obsessing over something that happened nearly twenty years ago. I was a lazy student in secondary school. My teachers used to get annoyed with me (with reason). One in particular made a cutting remark which for some reason I am unable to get out of my head.
We were given something to do and I did it wrong or something else, I can't remember exactly. I tried to make an excuse by saying "I thought we were supposed to <whatever I said, I can't remember>." She responded with "No <my name>, the problem is you just don't think at all"
I don't know why I keep thinking of this remark but I do and can't stop thinking of it.
It was one day in my leaving cert year or the one before, I can't remember.
Anybody reading this will probably think I'm crazy, I almost feel embarrassed typing this to be honest. It's become a real problem for me, it comes into my head while I am driving, doing the shopping, watching TV, sitting in work.
I have a good memory for screw-ups or humiliating put-downs, I record them meticulously. I think of other incidents like this from time to time but this one is top of the charts at the moment.
The stupid thing is even though I got a poor Leaving Cert I returned to college later in life and got a degree and am in fairly good career at the moment (at great personal sacrifice I might add).
Please give me some advice, I can't shake this thing........

LegacyUser

OP, I feel bad for you, I do this too! I obsess about all of the stupid little things that people say to me, even years after the event.

I'm mostly just posting to say you're not alone, but it was probably just an off-the-cuff remark that the teacher didn't think twice about. And even if you were a bit of a lazy sod when you were a teenager, laziness isn't exactly a great trait but it's not like you were nasty or evil - you were a bit lazy. It's not something to be ashamed of, even if you hadn't been so successful in changing direction.

You have a lot to be proud of, and you obviously do think! How many people are the same even a few years after their leaving cert? We all change a lot, and especially in late teens/early adulthood.

I think every time this thought crops up, tell yourself 'That was one person's opinion and it's long out of date,' and try to distract yourself. Sorry I don't have any better advice but just wanted to say you're not alone and it doesn't sound like what the teacher said has any validity now, if it ever did.

Miss Fluff

So essentially in thirty-odd years that's the worst insult you've received?

Oryx

OP, its funny how some things can stick in your head, when other probably worse stuff just runs off like water. It could be the comment struck a chord with you, maybe it had a grain of truth at the time, or just hit a raw nerve? I remember being told years ago, that I never stuck at anything, that I was a quitter, I still have a chip on my shoulder about that comment!

This has become an almost unconscious thing with you, and you need to tackle your habitual recall of it, by acknowledging it consciously when it comes to mind, and reminding yourself that the comment no longer applies to you.

LegacyUser

I think if I could go a full day without thinking of it I would be very happy. It's like a treadmill I can't get off of. I've been for counselling as I suffer from depression (I am on meds for it).
She tried to get me into that Cognitive Therapy Behaviour stuff but I didn't really make a fist of it. I know how CBT works; nippping those negative feelings in the bud when they first come into your head before they wrap you up.
I used to be much worse before, I am on Valdoxan to keep me calm, it seems to help,I used to exhaust myself before thinking about things like that.
I actually kind of enjoy thinking of it (as weird as that may sound).Sometimes it leaves my head and I am OK but it always comes back and I go "Oh s***" I have to think about this again now for a while.
I might have to go back to the counsellor about it but I feel stupid, I can't even tell my mom, it's too embarrassing.

allgirlz

I know that feeling and am the same, I can replay mean comments, ridiculous situations over and over, it is a self esteem issue for sure and CBT is very helpful in this situation. CBT helps you challenge why you behave in a certain way so why do you replay that comment, and helps you to find a way around it. You can find counsellors who can help on the iacp website http://www.irish-counselling.ie/ At this stage as this has been an ongoing issue I would give counselling some thought as it will help you to get to the bottom of this and move on.

floorpie

Obviously it's not the worst insult he's ever heard.

That's bizarre though, i have a really similar thing that a teacher said to me that stuck in my head, although not to the same degree. It was probably something that a teacher shouldn't have said, in retrospect i can see how he was probably just having a bad day.

I don't really have any advice, except to say that you're not crazy. If it really is affecting you then allgirlz is right, CBT would be ideal.

LegacyUser

Hi OP you really need to put this in perspective, teachers are human too she shouldn't have said what she said but then she was more than likely just having a bad day, at least when you work in an office you can hide someone whereas teachers have to deal and be in front of a class all the time, she probably didn't even mean it, I'm not a professional but it might suggest you have bigger self esteem issues, maybe examine how you look at yourself and yes maybe talk it over with someone.

LegacyUser

I'm not too bad now, I was in a bit of a state when I posted the first one. When I went to the counsellor she tried to get me to concentrate on the "here and now" as I don't really; I never listen to the radio in the car, don't watch much TV (well I watch it but my mind is on past incidents like with the teacher and countless similar ones).
I prefer to think about past failures, admonishments, 24/7 if I can.
It's hard to get it out of my head, I almost feel embarrassed about my post now..