Worried about future of relationship - never want kids.

LegacyUser

I'm a guy who is in a long term relationship with a girl that I love very much. We plan on getting married someday, but I don't want kids, ever.

I'm not financially secure, I don't have a permanent job, and I don't think I would be able to cope with the financial burden and the lack of free time we'd no longer have. I also suffer from bouts of depression and hoplessness, and am considering getting counselling.

Also, I don't have any paternal instincts and quite honestly I find babies and small children downright annoying. I can't picture myself holding or raising or becoming attached to one. I'm just not wired up that way. Some people are, and that's for them.
So please don't preach to me about "how wonderful they are" and "when you have your own you'll understand", because I had made up my mind long before I met my partner - I was in a terrible relationship with an ex who not only cheated, but lied about taking her pill etc, in order to try to "trap" me, and I was very lucky to come out of that situation without having to pay her 18+ years of maintenance. It put me off relationships for a few years.

I would hate for my lovely partner to suffer complications that could happen during a difficult pregnancy - stillbirth, miscarriage, etc, as well as the morning sickness, hormones all over the shop etc. Not to mention the havoc it would wreak with our relationship.


She has never mentioned kids, but recently an acquaintance of hers got pregnant, and one of our friends said half joking something like "it'll be ye soon" and it genuinely scared the sh*te out of me.
I have always been utterly terrified of of knocking her up, but we're very careful and have been together 3 years without so much as her even having a late period. I am considering getting the snip, but not without her consent.

What do I do if she turns around and says she wants kids some day? I don't think I could do it.
Advice? and sorry for long post it took me ages to think what to say.

dafunk

You need to have the conversation with her and make your feeling clear. She needs to know how you feel so she can decide whether to stay in the relationship if it's somethin that she wants. Perhaps she feels the same but If she does want kids then she might feel like you're just stringing her along.

I am a friend

What you do is ask her straight away if she wants kids and explain to her that you don't and never will. You need to be prepared for the fact that may cause the relationship to end but it needs to be done now.

Cant believe ye have never discussed this

woodchuck

Well it’s definitely something that you’re going to have to talk to your girlfriend about! If it’s something you really think you’re never going to budge on she has the right to know. I’m surprised this hasn’t come up in conversation before though.

I’m not going to lie though… if she’s dead set on having kids and you aren’t, she may have to make a tough decision. It could be a deal breaker for her. But you’re never going to know unless you have that conversation. For all you know she could feel the same way as you though.

LegacyUser

OP Im not entirely sure from your post is your partner aware of your feelings and when I say aware I mean are you certain she understands 100% that at this point you do not think you will change your mind. Honestly OP if she wants kids its a deal breaker, as far as I know most women (and I stress most not all) want kids, I personally believe women physically crave kids due to our biological design.

As for your reasons well firstly we live in a first world country, the changes of her dying in childbirth are pretty low and morning sickness never killed anyone. Also, you may not have a permanent job now that doesn't mean you wont ever have a permanent job. That said you sound like you dont like the little people, you are correct they would change your relationship and are a massive financial drain.

My only advice make sure to be sure that your partner understands this loud and clear and that she isnt hanging around in the hope that you will change your mind and be prepared for the fact that she may break up with you, honestly I would be then each to their own.

seamus

AnxiousMan wrote: »

What do I do if she turns around and says she wants kids some day?

I really don't think you should wait for that day to come.

There's usually an implied intention in a relationship that both partners eventually want to settle down and have children. There's always some joking and piss-taking around men shying away from marriage and children, but in most cases it's generally just considered a bit of a laugh and that the man isn't actually afraid of kids or commitment.
So there aren't going to be any hints or attitudes from your side that she will pick up on to tell her that you don't want kids. By default, she's probably expecting you to want kids "someday".

Rather than her turning around and saying, "I want kids someday", she's more likely to turn around one day and say, "I'd like to start trying for a baby".

If that scares the bejeesus out of you, then you need to be upfront with her, now, and tell her that you do not want to ever have children. If she wants children, then this is usually a deal-breaker. No way around it, you will lose the relationship.
But from a practical point of view, if this is a deal-breaker, then the relationship is doomed whether you tell her now or tell her in five years time. The only difference is that if you do it now you save yourself five years of worrying and stressing about this, but more importantly you give her a chance to build a new relationship with someone else who does want children.

You may also be pleasantly surprised to find that she doesn't want kids, or is happy to go without, and your relationship will be better and stronger than ever.

LegacyUser

OP here,
IamAFriend,
Just to clarify, way back when we got together, she said she didn't want to have kids. That was a few years ago, and if she has changed her mind since then, she's never mentioned it.
I don't think she's a huge fan of 'em either, gives out about other people's offspring being noisy, and isn't the kind of girl that goes "AAAWWwwwwWW" over them.

Also the reason we haven't discussed it to any length is my own issues re depression, feelings of worthlessness, low self esteem etc. I can just about haul my own a$$ out of bed somedays, so forgive me if I'm not being proactive enough. Lot of crap on the plate, work and money etc.

Dafunk: I would never "string her along". She is my life ffs.

Miss Fluff

Frankly I'm amazed that this has never come up in conversation of three years of being together.

You need to tell her as soon as possible that you categorically do not want children.

I am a friend

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Frankly I'm amazed that this has never come up in conversation of three years of being together.

Yeah seriously - this issue comes up over and over and over in pi... How can people get into long term relationships without talking about and being clear about the basics

lazygal

Have you talked about this with your partner? When I first got together with my now husband, it came up naturally enough once we were serious about each other. It would be a complete deal breaker for me if a man didn't want kids, not because I think everyone is suited to parenting but because I want a family, so I'm with a man who also wants that. There'd be no point us being together otherwise.

Have you discussed future plans, where to live, finances etc? Being in a partnership for life isn't just about romance and all that jazz, there's a lot of boring everyday stuff that needs to be discussed and decided on too, including medical issues such as depression and how the couple will deal with it.

moco

I am a friend wrote: »

Yeah seriously - this issue comes up over and over and over in pi... How can people get into long term relationships without talking about and being clear about the basics

Well in fairness, he said she told him she never wants kids when they first got together.

I am a friend

moco wrote: »

Well in fairness, he said she told him she never wants kids when they first got together.

Yep - his post showed up after i posted

Squiggler

Well, it sounds like all you really need to do is have a chat with her. Tell her that you haven't changed your mind about never wanting to have children (and that you aren't going to) and ask her if she is still ok with that.

username123

I dont want kids and either does my hubby - lucky we are on the same page. However we discussed it long before we ever got engaged, and although we both said we did not want them, we also both said that if the other person started to really really want them then we would have to revisit the conversation/decision. So if he came over all paternal (which I doubt is gonna happen) I would definitely sit down and think about it for his sake and vice versa.

Now as it happens, and as more time passes, we both seem to get even less inclined (conversations that used to be - well I dont think I want to, not now anyway - have become - god no, Id hate that!). But genuinely if he decided he really wanted a child, Id have to consider it - our relationship is based on mutual trust and respect and I wouldnt shoot him straight down on something so big, Id talk it out with him. Equally if we did discuss it and I was totally horrified he says that he would not feel it fair to put me through it if I really didnt want to.

Anyway - all of the above is just to illustrate - you have to talk it out, talk out possible futures where one or both or neither of ye change your minds and what the consequences of that would be. The key thing is communication between you two and not 'not discussing' things that could have a big potential impact later on.

thefeatheredcat

AnxiousMan wrote: »

She has never mentioned kids, but recently an acquaintance of hers got pregnant, and one of our friends said half joking something like "it'll be ye soon" and it genuinely scared the sh*te out of me.

AnxiousMan wrote: »

Just to clarify, way back when we got together, she said she didn't want to have kids. That was a few years ago, and if she has changed her mind since then, she's never mentioned it.

It sounds like you've had a lot to deal with within your relationship. Even though you've pointed out when you got together she didn't want kids, the fact that someone she knows has had a child and with those (sometimes annoying but well meaning) hints I think it's a reasonable time to bring the topic up for discussion and see if her feelings are still the same or not, as it could be something that has played on her mind or perhaps her feelings might still be the same.

Even if she has never mentioned or expressed an interest in having children or reaffirmed her expression not to have children since you've been together, people do change their thoughts and attitudes, so it would be worthwhile bringing the subject up just to clarify and make sure that the feelings on both sides to not have children is still the same, just to be on the same page on the subject.

If it's raised an issue within you, it's possible it has with her too.

A friend of mine separated from her husband last year because he told her he didn't want kids. She was 36 at the time and felt like her time was running out (in her words). After he told her she felt like she was being "strung along" for the marriage.

So I'd recommend that you make your intentions clear. Otherwise it may just be a case of kicking the can down the road.

Jack B. Badd

AnxiousMan wrote: »

Just to clarify, way back when we got together, she said she didn't want to have kids. That was a few years ago, and if she has changed her mind since then, she's never mentioned it.

Discussing whether or not you want children at the start of a relationship is always a good idea. There's no harm in having another chat now that you've been together for a few years - well, I say no harm but if you've got different aims/ideas then discussing them may shatter some illusions or assumptions but I don't think that's a bad thing.

Also, I think I know about the anxiety you're feeling. Even in a secure childfree relationship (i.e. where both parties are of the same mind on the matter), I think there's always a bit of worry that your OH may change their mind. That your happiness has an in-built expiry date... I suspect that a lot of this is the number of people who respond to the childfree by telling them that "Of course you want children, you just don't know it yet. Wait til you hit 35 and your hormones take over!". Personally, that attitude not only annoying but also a bit scary - what if it is inevitable that hormones will trump reason down the line :eek: And it's not only yourself that you have to worry about, it's also your partner.

I think it's worth remembering that there are any number of reasons that your relationship may end, not necessarily child-related. I don't say this to be mean, but to remind you to enjoy what you have at the moment without spoiling your happiness with worries. There really isn't much point in worrying about any and all reasons for splitting up - you'll just go mad.

LegacyUser

OP can I ask you something Im curious what if you didnt plan it, what if she became pregnant by accident and decided she wanted to keep it? It's always a risk.

LegacyUser

DearOP wrote: »

OP can I ask you something Im curious what if you didnt plan it, what if she became pregnant by accident and decided she wanted to keep it? It's always a risk.

I'm aware of the risks. But to be honest I at the moment its not a real risk as we haven't had sex for about 3 months, even though we rent a small house togehter and obviuosly sleep in the same bed. I'm too worried. I say I'm too tired.
Lots of people on here saying I really should have this talk with her but I am at totally the end of my tether in my own head, unemployment and being turned down for work is driving me insane and can hardly think straight.

Jenneke87

AnxiousMan wrote: »

I'm aware of the risks. But to be honest I at the moment its not a real risk as we haven't had sex for about 3 months, even though we rent a small house togehter and obviuosly sleep in the same bed. I'm too worried. I say I'm too tired.
Lots of people on here saying I really should have this talk with her but I am at totally the end of my tether in my own head, unemployment and being turned down for work is driving me insane and can hardly think straight.

No matter what the circumstances, this conversation is never an easy one, especially not if you wish to tell your partner you don't want to have children. If you're already feeling down and out this is undoubtely not something you look forward to, but has to be done. If your partner does want children I presume she'll want to know sooner than later that you won't..

My guess is you don't want to tell because you fear it will result in a big fight. It's not unlikely that it might/will be a shock to her, she might even be angry but if you have a good solid relationship and are able to discuss everything, it will not be as bad as you imagine. Please do it, for the both of you.

Firetrap

Seeing as you mentioned getting the snip, maybe you could bring it up as a topic of conversation now? Tell her you've been thinking about it and would like to have it done soon?

LegacyUser

alright bear with me. I posted last Nov about not wanting kids ever and being worried about the future of my relationship as a result. I cant find the orignal post but if a mod finds it will they merge? same username - same situation - anxiousman.

anyway the situation is that myself and my partner did talk about the whole having kids at some stage in the future and she says she doesnt want to right now but migt change her mind in the future, whereas im still 100% that I dont want em ever and am serioulsy considering getting the snip, though not without her consent (so please dont jump down my throat for that).

now im unemployed for months, and she works. i feel like a complete and utter tool. i look for work all the time but there isnt any.I do all the house stuff and she comes home to dinner made, tea on and evrything done. I am not a slob who sits there drinking beer and watching Tv or whatever. im still petrified of knocking her up, i insist on johnnies AND the pill and shes cool with that, it would be game over if she wasnt.

Still though Im afraid to have sex with her i sometimes jack it to porn so i wont be in the mood/able to cum. .

im very depressed, cant afford counselling which I feel i need. we might need relationship counselling. I sometimes feel like ending the relationship out of furstratin & insecurity.
I just feel like im sinking into a hole.

Taltos

Threads merged.

Sleepy

OP, tbh, and I know this is going to sound very harsh, I'm surprised she's still with you.

You know you've issues with depression but *still* haven't sought help for it?
You're so pathologically scared of getting her pregnant that you're withholding sex. Unless she has an extremely low sex drive you're failing to fulfil her sexual needs.

Sort yourself out: go talk to your GP about a referral to some professional help. I'm sure there's some form of therapy available on the public health system.

@rti-shm@rti

anxiousman wrote: »

alright bear with me. I posted last Nov about not wanting kids ever and being worried about the future of my relationship as a result. I cant find the orignal post but if a mod finds it will they merge? same username - same situation - anxiousman.

anyway the situation is that myself and my partner did talk about the whole having kids at some stage in the future and she says she doesnt want to right now but migt change her mind in the future, whereas im still 100% that I dont want em ever and am serioulsy considering getting the snip, though not without her consent (so please dont jump down my throat for that).

now im unemployed for months, and she works. i feel like a complete and utter tool. i look for work all the time but there isnt any.I do all the house stuff and she comes home to dinner made, tea on and evrything done. I am not a slob who sits there drinking beer and watching Tv or whatever. im still petrified of knocking her up, i insist on johnnies AND the pill and shes cool with that, it would be game over if she wasnt.

Still though Im afraid to have sex with her i sometimes jack it to porn so i wont be in the mood/able to cum. .

im very depressed, cant afford counselling which I feel i need. we might need relationship counselling. I sometimes feel like ending the relationship out of furstratin & insecurity.
I just feel like im sinking into a hole.

OP, you poor thing, it sounds to me like you are letting this issue consume you and essentially it's not something you can control i.e. you cannot guarantee that your OH will turn around in a years time and decide that she wants kids. It's a chance you have to take if you love her that you may lose her. If she knows that you 100% don't want children and NEVER will then I would say that you are both on the same page at the moment and you can't really hope for more than that.

To be honest I feel like you are a little bit too obsessed with this issue, the avoiding sleeping with your OH is not really going to contribute to a healthy relationship! It seems most likely that deep down you really think that your OH does want children and that if she was accidentally to get pregnant she'd want to keep it, irrespective of the discussions you have had on the issue.

My advice? Make sure that she is FULLY aware that this is something you NEVER want and then try to relax but bear in mind that everyone is entitled to change their minds so that is a risk you will just have to accept as part of being in a relationship. You can't control it and because you are trying to control it all you're making yourself miserable and I wouldn't be surprised if some of your stress is rubbing off on your OH

Neyite

It does not have to be that big of a deal. You never want kids. She *might*. It boils down to this: Would you father a child down the line if she wanted one, or would you end the relationship? If you absolutely know the relationship would be ended by you if she wanted to have a child, then what difference would a vasectomy make to that either way? It would end, vasectomy or no.

If at a later stage she does want children, thats for her to decide, just like you did. We all have a right to that choice. You do. She does. It may not always match what our partners want, and sometimes we capitulate to please our partner on smaller things - parenthood is not one of those things.

Discuss the fact that this fear of parenthood is starting to interfere with your intimacy with her and that you want to get a vasectomy. I certainly dont think that you need her consent on that, but I dont think you should hide it from her.

I would also look into the residual damage your ex left - you being so scared to the point of avoiding sex, and not fully trusting your girlfriend on what she says.

Taltos

OP - if you believe you are depressed you really need to go and speak to your GP and look for a referral.

In terms of withholding sex - this is not fair on either of you.
if you are that terrified about getting her pregnant and you don't trust birth control why not consider a vasectomy - this is a quick procedure though there can be some complications.

Either way - it is not fair on both of you to continue like this - please reach out and look for some help with your concerns - all of them asap.

squonk

To be honest OP, I'm surprised your OH is still with you also. I'll be honest and say that I didn't realise the original part of the thread was quite old but I wasn't exactly your number 1 fan reading that either. Now it sounds like things have gone from bad to worse.

I don't have your original post but do you think that your distaste for kids stems from your previous relationship? Being tied to a partner you don't like who, as you said, is trying to trick you into having kids, that's not good man! That'd put me off having kids. However, you should have had some counselling after that. I don't get the impression you left that relationship in a good place mentally.

Now the fact that you're hung up on the fear of having kids and haven't had sex in 3 months... seriously? That poor woman! She deserves far better than that.

Listen! Cut the BS. Get your ass to the GP and seek out some free counselling services. I'm not clear myself what is available but even head down to your local health clinic tomorrow and find out. Get your head in a place where you can get back to having a healthy sex life. Even if you have a kid by some accident, it'll hardly be the end of the world. People on very low incomes manage it and you wont' be unemployed forever. I know looking for work and the rejection that goes with it is hard. I've been there myself but you need to keep on top of depression. Even the hunt for jobs takes it out of the most mentally healthy of us but you need to nip the depression in the bud. It'll increase your chances of finding a job. You need to start helping yourself or else, at some point, you won't have to worry about kids because your girlfriend will have enough and leave. I'm sorry to be blunt but that's the way I see it.

Please get out and about tomorrow and even get some leaflets on the services available. Small steps....

Miss Fluff

anxiousman wrote: »

anyway the situation is that myself and my partner did talk about the whole having kids at some stage in the future and she says she doesnt want to right now but migt change her mind in the future, whereas im still 100% that I dont want em ever

I know you say you've discussed it but it doesn't sound like the matter was laid to rest or a conclusion reached at all. If she feels she may change her mind in the future (and while I'm loath to generalisations a lot of women DO change their minds as time starts to tick on) where does that leave you when you are absolutely opposed to it?

Sounds like you need to decide on what to do in your relationship and then go and speak to a GP who will be able to best advise on the way forward re treatment and/or medication.

LegacyUser

OP here again, almost a year later.

Im going insane over this. Ive cried, roared screamed thrown things drank too much and considered just walking out in front of a lorry more than once.

I function yeah sure. I laugh joke go out see films go to the pub etc but Im not really there anymore.

Sometimes I feel normal but most of the time I don't feel anything at all. Yes I had the presence of mind to drag this thread up but that even took me weeks. This isn't closure, just another trainwreck.

Ive been to a shrink a few times and it's like putting sellotape over a crack in a dam. No point. I may see my GP and tell him to give me Vallies or something just so I can function without wanting too yank my brain outta the back of my head by the brainstem. Next time I'm in the doc, I'm gonna ask him if I'm bi-polar.

My relationships still ticking along in neutral, she hasnt brought up the dreaded kids for ages now. We get on fine 99% of the time. We go away for the weekend, we have friends, we have an ok sex life etc etc. Maybe she's lost interest, maybe shes afraid if it. I don;t even want to mention it one way or the other because Im afaid to.

She has no idea that Im going through this private hell over it. I dont know how shed feel if she knew.

I just think that she might just put the gun to my head some day and say "I want to have a baby, either you give me one or I find some swinging mickey with a 7 Series BMW who's a partner in his daddy's law firm who will". Or she could just lie about contraception, or have a one night stand and I'd be on the way to fatherhood, at least in the financial/biological sense of the word. It could come on me (pun intended) awfully fucikng sudden

Women aren't saints. They lie cheat and **** people over just like men do. We humans are flawed animals, both genders are capable of ignorance greed cruelty and so on. People do awful things to each other all the time. Men can be lying cheating violent alcoholic pigs.I am not one of those men. Im not a bad person I just need help.

I'm not sexist. I adore my partner. I love women, I've had numerous sexual partners (no unintended consequences thank f00k, before I met my partner and settled down) I have never cheated on her or even flirted with another girl during our entire 6 years together.

Thing about women though, they're ridiculously competitive and their own worst enemies.
All those trashy glossy magazines with the stick thin photoshopped models in them feed into their insecurities. So basically if her friend or acquaintance or work colleague, fired out a sprog, the next thing would be she might want one too. Not because of a biological clock kicked in, more like the competitive streak kicked in.

So, she then has to carry it round for 9 months, pile on aload of weight she'll never lose, go off the drink and the fags, not fit into any of her clothes, and then fire it out through the smallest of openings.

And that's plain sailing apparently - that is if she doesnt get complications that end in death in our substandard hospitals.

If she had a scan and the child was dead inside her, the HSE would happily let her carry this dead child to term because they're effectively Church run and they see women as only breeding machines. They'd do the same if the kid had some rare condition that meant it'd only live for a few short, painful hours. Pro life my backside. These people are ghouls.

**** knows what sort of role model I'd be if I did reproduce. I'd probably be taken to the effing cleaners after a while because I can't hold down a job (not my fault - there are none), I am still looking for work but no joy. I was sure that I'd a job gotten there a while back, but it fell through. Sickened.

If we were going through a bad patch, she could say I hit her or threatened her or anything. I've never even raised my voice to her or said a cross word to her. I cant rememeber the last time we argued, probably because Im a pushover with no balls and no spine.

As it stands, she wouldnt do any of those things, but you just add having to provide 24 hour care for some thing that just cries all the time, and it's no wonder peoples relationships implode under the strain. No wonder people split up.

But seriously, the legal profession will always come down on the womans side, she can say anything and the judge would grant full custody and there I am paying out for a family Im not part of, while she shacks up with SuperDad who puts the kid in private school. Of course the kid would be fed lies - your father hates you, hes a bad man, he doesnt love you, he had no interest in you.

So they hate me in turn. Its all a cycle of hate. Hate hate and more hate. Makes the world go around.

It's gotten to the stage with me where if friends on facebook put up pictures of their offspring, I don't "like" it unless I sort of have to. They put up a picture of some baby or whatever, and it gets 172 likes and all the comments are : "awwww", "cuutte" and all that sentimental stuff. I just dont get it.

I just think huh that's your relationship over, you'll never get a nights sleep again and you're a cash machine on legs bringing up a child in a country that has no future. The parents/grandparents of todays newborns fecked the country through greed, and it's those kids that are gonna grow up to shoulder the debt. In those circumstances, who would want to bring up anyone here?

so yeah go on with the comments again. you're all so much better than me, throw the stones. I dont care if I hurt myself or am hurt by my partner or hurt by anonymous people on the internet.
Tell me I asked for it. Kick a man when he's down, you might feel better about yourselves.
Maybe the best thing for me to do is end my relationship before I really, really hurt her.

Neyite

OP, you need to talk to a professional about this issue you have and to your girlfriend.

You posted first in 2011, and got good advice here, yet it didn't help you resolve your issue. At this stage, on your third update of the same problem, you need to discuss it with a professional counsellor.

Locking Thread.