3 months...what happened?

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Just need a little insight on this. I've been seeing this new guy for a few months now. It was a slow starter as he was busy a lot in the beginning and we didnt get to see each other much. He initiated most of the dates though and seemed really keen at first. He even introduced me to his family quite early which to be honest scared me off a little. I then told him I needed to take things slow as I've been burned before and I'm really just settling back in to the dating scene.

Anyways, fast forward a few weeks and things were going grand, we'd been seeing more of each other, he told me he was glad I was starting to open up to him and again, he seemed really keen. We started sleeping together and I was really beginning to feel comfortable with him. I asked him how he thought things were going and he said 'pretty good'... I told him the same but that still needed to take things at my own pace for now. He 100% understood.

Now in the past few days there has been a sudden drop off in contact. It was about 50/50 in initiating contact, now its all me and often when I do he'll quickly say he has to go. I suggested doing something in a few days and he kind of brushed me off saying he might not be around.

I don't really understand whats going on. If he is not into me anymore would he say or is this typical behaviour? Is there anything I can do to find out? I would ask him straight out but I don't really have any concrete proof that he's pulling away (Its a gut feeling) and I'm afraid he would think I'm mad. Maybe I am over analysing things but I don't want to start caring for someone who wants out.

Do I say something to him? Do I just assume hes not into me and pull back, see how he reacts? I'm very confused. We've never sat down and said we're a couple but he seemed keen for me to meet his mates and has introduced me as his girlfriend. What the hell happened?

Both late twenties by the way.

ennis81

I've been here hun, had the EXACT same kind of relationship with a bloke, never got a real explanation about what went wrong from him so I walked away deleted his number and got on with life, then about 6months later he was back again full of promises and blah blah blah please give me another chance stuff so i did, anyhoo it lasted about 6 months this time before the same kind of rubbish happened again, I won't go into great details but man he screwed with my head. I walked away again and cut all contact. I reckon this bloke is either A) Very immature with no real relationship experience, Is getting cold feet and is just not that into you and is too cowardly to say or C) Seeing someone else as well.
So what to do -
I would text him now and ask to meet up (one of the days he is around;)), if he blows u off, do not contact him again, if he contacts you again meet up with him and tell him your getting a bad vibe from him and ask him to be straight with you. (You should be in the honeymoon stage of relationship and not feeling like your having to chase him to see him)
Don't waste your time on someone who blows hot and cold hun theres too many good men out there to waste your time on a head wrecker.

LegacyUser

I would question if he's met someone else and realised that he's just not that into you after all.

Don't keep on contacting him, give it one more go and if he blows you off again, forget about it. Stop contacting, see if he contacts you. IF he does, talk about it. If not, forget him, he just wasn't bothered enough to continue running after him.

R.D. aka MR.D

Stop contacting him and see what happens.

Sometimes things work out between people and sometimes things don't.

Miss Fluff

You should go with your gut instinct. Goodness only knows what has caused the U-turn. He may have met someone, he may have commitment issues, he could suffer from depression....could be any number of reasons.

If he's not instigating contact and seemingly anxious not to talk to you then personally I'd just stop contacting him. You already know he's pulled back so do you actually really need to hear it too? He sounds like a total coward tbh so I doubt you'll ever hear the actual reason.

liz2

Miss Fluff wrote: »

He sounds like a total coward tbh so I doubt you'll ever hear the actual reason.

Id agree with this.. It happened to me recently, the guy went all cold on me all of a sudden, i asked him what was up & he ignored me. Unfortunately some people are like this and will never give an explanation. Rude if you ask me.
If i could turn back the time, i wouldn't have said anything and just walked away, to keep my dignity..
Hope your okay & get this sorted soon

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I guess I'll just have to sit back and see what happens. I just don't know what I'll do if he does contact me in a few days...? Play him at his own game and act cold or act normally? I hate playing games so it will probably be the latter. But if he does come round I guess I'll have to say something to him about not being happy. I'm almost hoping he'll slink off now like a coward rather than face some dragged out hot/cold style situation....

I've never come across this before, does it happen often? Why can't people just be straight and say they don't want to see you anymore, I'm not a child, I can take it!

Grrr.

dellas1979

Well see, the thing is that he is kind of forcing you to make a decision. Albeit you cant make, shall we say, an "informed" one because you dont know where you stand.

You either need to be clear and ask him whats going on to make that decision or make your decision based on the lack of contact/interest that you've noticed (second decision could go 2 ways - you hear from him and dont contact him back - over and done with - you'll move on, or you hear from him and play hard to get - or not as interested and see where it goes - in the latter case you'll have to wait to see if he contacts you and what he says).

Personally, Id ask him what zee heck is goin on - in a nice way of course!!! Whether he contacts you back or not, either way you will get your answer.

Firetrap

confusion111 wrote: »

I've never come across this before, does it happen often? Why can't people just be straight and say they don't want to see you anymore, I'm not a child, I can take it!

Grrr.

If that was the case, this forum would be a lot quieter

Sadly, some people are too chicken to end things properly and hope the other person will take the hint and go away. There's certainly something up and he could well be terrified to talk to you in case you ask him questions he really doesn't want to answer. It'd be interesting to see if he initiates contact over the next few days...

wealthyman

I have being through the exact same experience myself recently, even started a thread on it as I was perplexed as to why someone would be behave in that way. Anyway I would ALWAYS be cautious of somebody who is very keen at the beginning. The guy I was with promised me the sun, moon and stars and couldn't even go a few hours a day without contacting me, let alone take his hands off me. Fast forward a day later and wham! He goes stone cold, no texting no calls, no explanation. In order to keep my dignity I sent him just one text to see if he wanted to meet again but he didn't even have the manners to reply. It hurt me at first but now I look back and laugh and realise I dodged a bullet. So OP let him contact you, if he doesn't delete all his details and move on and find someone who doesn't pull this crap.

Tiocfaidh Armani

confusion111 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I guess I'll just have to sit back and see what happens. I just don't know what I'll do if he does contact me in a few days...? Play him at his own game and act cold or act normally? I hate playing games

I'm a bloke and I'd do that just to see. He might be someone who likes girls to chase him a bit and see their reaction. During my more immature days I did it myself. Stupid and all, but do it back. If he's interested he'll come running. If not, let him go.

LegacyUser

So after 48 hours (thats not too bad is it?) of no contact he text to see how I was and to let me know he wouldn't be around for a few days. The convo was quickly wrapped up by him. Now I have no idea what to do or think. Maybe he just took my suggestion of taking things slow and ran with it...? Maybe he's phasing me out. Haven't a clue!

ilovesleep

This was done to me too recently. It was a FWB situation. For weeks before he got me where he wanted contact from him was pretty full on. Afterwards. Nothing but a big fat lie of promising to send me a gift which he never sent and made excuses when I questioned it which played on my mind a bit and him going cold on me on all fronts even on a friendly level. He then came back after a while and suggested seconds. I tried to chat to him about what he did and what that meant to me and and I was met with ignorance blankness. I had that very same gut instinct which I ignored.

liz2 wrote: »

Id agree with this.. It happened to me recently, the guy went all cold on me all of a sudden, i asked him what was up & he ignored me. Unfortunately some people are like this and will never give an explanation. Rude if you ask me.
If i could turn back the time, i wouldn't have said anything and just walked away, to keep my dignity..
Hope your okay & get this sorted soon

I agree with this. I was so sorry trying to figure out things and was so sorry I had contacted him to explain where I was coming from and all that.

I urge you strongly to trust your gut instinct here. Don't even contact him for your own sake. Delete all traces of him too.

Miss Fluff

confusion111 wrote: »

So after 48 hours (thats not too bad is it?) of no contact he text to see how I was and to let me know he wouldn't be around for a few days. The convo was quickly wrapped up by him. Now I have no idea what to do or think. Maybe he just took my suggestion of taking things slow and ran with it...? Maybe he's phasing me out. Haven't a clue!

He's hedging his bets. To me the most likely explanation is that he is dating other people and keeping you dangling JUST enough to have you on the back burner in case his other adventures don't get him too far.

Why are you letting him hold all the cards like this? And why would you bother hanging around waiting for him to get in touch when he feels like it? Because that's exactly what's happening.

I'd send him a perfunctory text saying that it's not going to work out and wish him well. No explanations or reasons, he's not even worth one of those tbh, he's simply wasting your time.

I am a friend

Miss fluff is right - why does he hold all the cards here and why are you waiting for the scraps off his table.

tell him it's been fun but isn't going to work out. He is a messer.

starlit

Hey don't worry too much OP. If it was meant to be it was meant to be. I know how you are feeling, I was texting a lad during the summer and didn't hear from him for two months never replied to him since. Well and truly over him now so not going to go there and just find some decent lad that appreciates who I am. Sick of all the games. So looking for someone with a bit of heart and so on.

To be honest, forget about him if he is a bit off with you. He seems to want you to play by his tune I wouldn't have any of that like. Fair enough go with the flow if its mutual but seriously rushing it would be a bad idea. If it hasn't progressed after a period of time best to just let it go and move on to someone who care about you. No point wasting your time on someone who is a bit flaky!

In all fairness when the contact lessens it means he is either not that into a girl or that he is seeing other girls playing the field otherwise maybe its just friendship he is looking for. I wouldn't let him crawl his way back in if ye think ye have a go at something special!

liz2

I am a friend wrote: »

Miss fluff is right - why does he hold all the cards here and why are you waiting for the scraps off his table.

tell him it's been fun but isn't going to work out. He is a messer.

Yup, i agree too.

I know you wish everything was back to normal, you like him and had hoped he'd be back..ive been there, done that..(and have learned my lessons)
But this guy seems like a messer. I wouldn't even tell him it's been fun. Text him and say something along the lines of 'hi there, ive decided this isn't going to work out for me, take care' Leave it at that.
You deserve so much better, it sounds like a cliche but its true!

liz2

doovdela wrote: »

In all fairness when the contact lessens it means he is not that into a girl

your spot on!

LegacyUser

I wouldnt say he holds all the cards here in fairness. I asked what i should do in the first place and the vast majority of people said wait and see if he makes an effort to contact me. I did that and he got in touch a couple of days later... Now I'm just wondering if that means anything at all. I guess I should go with my gut instinct but I've been wrong about these things before so I'm not sure. This uncertainty is killing me. I wish I could just ask him straight out but for some reason I think he'll see me as a bunny boiler, all I want to know is where I stand with him.

starlit

Go with your gut instinct its close enough to 100% right! I know myself I went against it once, didn't trust the fella I was with but went against my better judgement and went against my gut instinct boy was I wrong and realised my gut instinct was right!

Let him go OP and move on, best you can do and not let any more heartbreak cause any more pain and heartache for yourself, a lad like that isn't worth your time. Sounds like a messer to me. Don't let him wreck your head, you deserve better!

amdublin

Some wise words from miss fluff. Follw her advice to a T

Miss Fluff

confusion111 wrote: »

I wouldnt say he holds all the cards here in fairness. I asked what i should do in the first place and the vast majority of people said wait and see if he makes an effort to contact me. I did that and he got in touch a couple of days later... Now I'm just wondering if that means anything at all.

It probably doesn't mean anything at all other than it being a holding text to keep you dangling/interested while he gets on with his business. I mean he texted you, he replied and said he won't be around and then made a hasty exit.

I hate to sound harsh here but if a man is really and truly keen you will know all about it. He'll make absolutely sure you know about it. You won't be left at intermittent stages wondering whether he likes you/why he hasn't been in touch/what his intentions are.

You're barking up the wrong tree with this one, he will end up wrecking your head if you choose to continue.