Jealousy ruining my life

LegacyUser

Without wanting to sound over dramatic, I'm a jealous mentaler.

I've always been jealous, jealous of other people's lives, jealous when good things happen to other people and not me, jealous when people have more money than me etc. And I know everyone gets jealous, envy is a natural human emotion, like anger or sadness. However, the way the green eyed monster affects me just isn't normal.

The reason I'm posting this in relationship issues is that I don't think I'm going to be able to hang onto a man until I do something about this jealousy.

Take last night, and take this guy I've had two ONS with - call him John for the sake of it. I have no feelings towards John whatsoever, aside from lust. I see him and I want to jump his bones, and we've been with each other twice, both great shags and dropped off in the morning with a "that was fun, see you around!" set up. Last night, went out to the usual spot and he was there. Came up to me and shifted and whatever and he said "Don't you dare leave without me" which I was delighted with cos he really is a great shag.

Coming up to closing, and I'm downstairs with my friends and I see him getting stuck into someone else. I lost the plot, I got thick and went out to the smoking area and sat on my own smoking, ruined the rest of my night and went to bed thick as a sack. I don't like this guy, he's an arsehole and I really only go with him when there's no-one better around (long story short to shut up people who are going to say he has no respect for me - we have no respect for each other. It's just sex) but I was so jealous I felt sick. Even today, I can't get the image of him shifting her in front of me out of my head. I was so jealous of the fact that she got to go home with him instead of me, I'm so annoyed about it.

This has had a massive impact on previous relationships as well. In my last serious relationship, he nearly left me several times because I'd be texting and ringing him if I heard from a mutual friend that he was out with X girl and Y girl, I was a jealous freak, constantly quizzing him on who he was doing stuff with and making half-joking comments about affairs and stuff.

The last semi-relationship I had I also ruined about 3 months ago by getting freaked out about how much he idolised his ex and other girls he knew and talked about them all the time. Kept asking was he going to get back with his ex and should I just walk away or what was the story? Eventually we had a massive row and he told me to fcuk off and come back when I was less mental.

I can't control it. It's like a separate entity to me that I can't control, and when drink and jealousy mix in me, it's not pretty. I hide it well most of the time until it gets too much to keep in but it's really getting me down and I'm struggling with my self esteem now because I feel if I can't control the jealousy, how will anyone ever want to put up with me?

I've been treated like **** by people, not just boyfriends, and I think it's just wanting praise and approval and to know I'm the best and the only one a guy wants but then I get all fcuking mental on them and they run a mile.

Any suggestions about how to control jealousy would be welcome because I can't see myself dealing with an adult relationship until I can get this under control

Bobby42

I think the most important relationship you have in life is the relationship you have with yourself. Its hard to maintain relationships with other people when the one with yourself has problems.

I used to have problems with jealously. I used to be jealous of my friends getting girlfriends, jobs, apartments, and all the rest, while I had none of these things going on in my life.

But what I realised is that all of these things are just a set of circumstances. Having a partner, a new car, a dream job, while they are nice things we all want, they don't automatically equate to happiness.

You need to be happy in yourself without any of these things. When good things come along you'll be in a place where you can apreciate them, and not have your happiness dependent on them.

I found having this outlook has helped me, jealously really doesn't get you anywhere.

Sometimes I think about my friends who have good jobs and are moving in with their partners and I think about myself still living at home and not having a girlfriend for years. I sometimes wonder what if they're dying inside even though everything looks good on paper?

I'd much rather be in my situation and happy than to "have it all" and be miserable.
Don't know if that helps, just my outlook on life.

maxwell smart

You need to try to look at the reasons why you are jealous. Is it because you feel that he picked her over you that night in question and therefore your own self esteem was hurt?

Let me tell you, my marriage and relationship of 17 years has just been destroyed by my jealousy, I have a thread here on it.

Please, try to look at this as if you are outside what is happening. This guy went off with this girl probably because she was the one closest to him at closing time perhaps?

Jealousy will eat away at you and destroy you. Try to learn that you are the only one who can make yourself a better person. By becoming a better person you will get to control that jealousy because you will see it for what it is, its your own insecurity. As it was mine.

You sound like you are younger than me (I'm 40). Try to get a handle on this issue, get help if you need it. But get it sorted now. I didn't and now the great life with my wife and kids is destroyed, perhaps never to return.

Good Luck, you are not alone.

dixiefly

In my mind it is a combination of the type of guy that you are interested in and your own jealousy. The ons guy is just that, a serial ons guy by all accounts so you have to expect that you may or may not end up with him on a given night. That is probably contributing to your insecurity. if your other exes were similar then you could have had the jealousy / insecurity because you may have suspected that there was a fair chance they would be unfaithful.

You probably need to decide whether you want to continue "dating" guys like ons guy or get someone that may be a bit more reliable and not telll you one thing and and go off with somone else. Only then you may build up a trust in the other person & the jealousy could dissipate.

I would also suspect that your behaviour is p!ss!ng off your friends and not exactly improving your chances with any decent guys in your group.

You really cannot have it every way (in my opinion anyway).

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here. Thanks for the responses so far, much appreciated.

Just to respond to a few comments:

@Bobby42, I'm not gonna lie, you're pretty bang on there. I do equate having it all with happiness, I'm one of those sad people who equates a stellar night with meeting a nice guy and it's ridiculous but I can't shake the mentality.

@Sunflower27, I'm 22 and have had 1 serious relationship lasting 3.5 years and a few others lasting between 2 and 12 months. He didn't give a shít if he annoyed me - he made eye contact with me while he was shifting her and gave me the thumbs up. As I said before, this thread isn't about me and him, it's about my irrational jealousy.

@maxwell smart, thank you for sympathising and not patronising me, this is probably so trivial compared to your own issue. The jealousy really is eating me up inside and I feel like it's making me a horrible person.

@dixiefly, I think you're onto something there. I don't trust men, which is where the jealousy comes from. I have never been treated well by a bloke, so I don't trust them not to treat me like crap.

The only way I can explain how horrible the jealousy feels is that it's like heartburn, my heart races and I feel like bursting into tears (this would be when I either see something like I did last night or someone says something that makes me jealous). I do hide it quite well from my friends as aside from this (although it may be hard to believe) I am an outgoing and bubbly person. I love life and I love my job and my friends and my family but I just can't hack the dating game because I get so jealous.

I wish there was a Rennie's for heartburn cos I just don't know what to do. I don't want to fcuk up the next good thing that happens to me by being such a jealous bítch.

I am a friend

Op maybe when you meet the right man the jealousy won't be an issue.

Don't beat yourself up too badly but the sad part is that this behaviour is mainly hurting yourself. I don't know what to suggest other than to realise that a man / relationship won't necessarily make you happy either.