Stupid obsession

LegacyUser

I used to work in the same place as this girl about 18 months ago. She was (is) an absolute stunner and I got really obsessed with her. I didn't manage to pull her of course as even though I am not bad-looking and have a few virtues (I think) I wouldn't measure up to her standards.
I didn't stalk her or freak her out in any way, in fact I tried to stay away from her as I knew it was bad for me to be around her if I wasn't going to "get" her (I even went as far as turning down an invitation from her in front of the office to go to a staff night out she had organised).
I used to sit with her and her friends at meal times but stopped that too.
Anyway I was out last night and I saw her in a pub and even though she was with two guys (one of whom may or may not have been her boyfriend),I approached her and said a few words. I didn't expect her to fall over me, she was friendly enough but not too friendly. The conversation lasted about two minutes, general chit-chat (I was slightly drunk). She's come into my head again now and I am really annoyed with myself as I should never have spoken to her. It's stupid to be obsessed with a girl you have no chance of attaining but I stupidly chanced my arm and feellike a fool now.
My attraction to her was purely physical (I tried to find something in common with her in the place we worked but she wasn't very receptive, hence why I left her alone).
I tried to forget her but it isn't easy, I'm sure a lot of guys out there have been hooked on some girl who doesn't want to know.

daisybelle2008

owen77 wrote: »

I used to work in the same place as this girl about 18 months ago. She was (is) an absolute stunner and I got really obsessed with her. I didn't manage to pull her of course as even though I am not bad-looking and have a few virtues (I think) I wouldn't measure up to her standards.
I didn't stalk her or freak her out in any way, in fact I tried to stay away from her as I knew it was bad for me to be around her if I wasn't going to "get" her (I even went as far as turning down an invitation from her in front of the office to go to a staff night out she had organised).
I used to sit with her and her friends at meal times but stopped that too.
Anyway I was out last night and I saw her in a pub and even though she was with two guys (one of whom may or may not have been her boyfriend),I approached her and said a few words. I didn't expect her to fall over me, she was friendly enough but not too friendly. The conversation lasted about two minutes, general chit-chat (I was slightly drunk). She's come into my head again now and I am really annoyed with myself as I should never have spoken to her. It's stupid to be obsessed with a girl you have no chance of attaining but I stupidly chanced my arm and feellike a fool now.
My attraction to her was purely physical (I tried to find something in common with her in the place we worked but she wasn't very receptive, hence why I left her alone).
I tried to forget her but it isn't easy, I'm sure a lot of guys out there have been hooked on some girl who doesn't want to know.

You have a very unhealthy attitude towards this girl and probably women in general. You seem to want to punish her and yourself for some hypothetical situation where you got knocked back by her. You have made a situation out of nothing. The bit in bold is plain rude. I can't see where you even 'chanced your arm'.
At least you weren't rude to her so don't be annoyed with yourself for not ignoring her last night. Try treating her like a normal person and not let your obsession skew your thoughts and behaviour negatively.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You have a very unhealthy attitude towards this girl and probably women in general. You seem to want to punish her and yourself for some hypothetical situation where you got knocked back by her. You have made a situation out of nothing. The bit in bold is plain rude. I can't see where you even 'chanced your arm'.
At least you weren't rude to her so don't be annoyed with yourself for not ignoring her last night. Try treating her like a normal person and not let your obsession skew your thoughts and behaviour negatively.

No I didn't mean to piss her off by turning down her invitation, I only wanted to keep my distance for my own sake. I could have handled it better I suppose..

ILikeBananas

It sounds a bit like you've let a fantasy take over your life in an unhealthy way. If you treated this girl more like a person and less like some sort of object you might have had a chance with her. You've admitted that you don't know much about her and yet you've projected a lot of assumptions on to her based seemingly on her looks.

This is likely to occur with other with other women in the future if you don't sort this out now. At the root of it, it sounds like you've got some self esteem issues. Now, yes, perhaps this girl wasn't interested in you. If that is the case then you have to accept it and move on. Dwelling on it like this is not going to do anyone any good.

owen77

owen77 wrote: »

I didn't manage to pull her

I knew it was bad for me to be around her if I wasn't going to "get" her

a girl you have no chance of attaining.

She's a woman, not some object you have to "attain". Your obsession is pretty unhealthy. Do your best to move on and realise you're just projecting fantasies onto some girl you don't know.

LegacyUser

You know what?You are both absolutley and totally 100% correct. I suppose I knew that myself but didn't want to admit it.
But I feel I should mention that this girl gave off the impression of being "unattainable" herself; she has a pretty big opinion of herself.

ILikeBananas

owen77 wrote: »

You know what?You are both absolutley and totally 100% correct. I suppose I knew that myself but didn't want to admit it.
But I feel I should mention that this girl gave off the impression of being "unattainable" herself; she has a pretty big opinion of herself.

Ok. It doesn't seem like you really like this girl at all. It sounds instead to me that you wanted to 'obtain' this girl as a status symbol in the same way that people buy flashy cars and the latest mobile phones. Get the good looking girl and then feel good about yourself. That's putting the cart before the horse though. In fact I'll bet if you did manage to pull this girl it wouldn't be half as amazing as you think it would.

You'd be far better off devoting your time and energy into yourself. Do things to develop yourself. Take up a new hobby, learn some new skills, meet some new people. Surprise yourself. Once you begin to become more content and happy with what you have and who you are then this will grow your self confidence. The beauty of this is that it will also increase your attractiveness to others.

LegacyUser

ILikeBananas wrote: »

Ok. It doesn't seem like you really like this girl at all. It sounds instead to me that you wanted to 'obtain' this girl as a status symbol in the same way that people buy flashy cars and the latest mobile phones. Get the good looking girl and then feel good about yourself. That's putting the cart before the horse though. In fact I'll bet if you did manage to pull this girl it wouldn't be half as amazing as you think it would.

You'd be far better off devoting your time and energy into yourself. Do things to develop yourself. Take up a new hobby, learn some new skills, meet some new people. Surprise yourself. Once you begin to become more content and happy with what you have and who you are then this will grow your self confidence. The beauty of this is that it will also increase your attractiveness to others.

Nail on the head (again). But let's be honest here; every fella wants a hot burd as a status of achievement. I don't know if you are a guy or a girl but if you are a (heterosexual) guy you must admit to having had these feelings at least once in your life.
Women are the same, they get an ego boost out of having attractive guys slavering over them.

Distorted

It is possible to see women as friends you know OP, not as objects you might attain to reflect better on yourself. This involves some empathy on your part along the lines of caring how other people feel and not indulging in actions which might upset or hurt them (such as rudely turning down invitations in front of them for your own self interest).

CliffHuxtabel

bluewolf wrote: »

She's a woman, not some object you have to "attain". Your obsession is pretty unhealthy. Do your best to move on and realise you're just projecting fantasies onto some girl you don't know.

The op's obsession seems pretty normal actually. To call it "unhealthy" is not very helpful to a guy who clearly lacks confidence when it comes to forming relationships with women.

OP, your renewed obsession with this girl will diminish with time ("out of sight... etc. etc.") but you can recover from it sooner by going out and making more of an effort to meet more people and to form better relationships with girls. If you focus on trying to get to know women in a breezy, casual (i.e. non-sexual) way your confidence will develop slowly and steadily and your'e opening yourself up to a greater possibility of meeting someone.

Also, it seems you put a lot of emphasis on whether or not you measure up to someones "standards". Your'e limiting yourself too much by thinking in this way and you'd be surprised, when you get out a bit more, what women are "in your league" so to speak.

beks101

Sounds to me like you just have projected a truckload of your own personal beliefs and self-esteem issues onto this unassuming girl.

You don't match up 'to her standards', you 'don't have a chance' with her etc. How old are you OP? You're looking at her in an entirely one-dimensional way, like she's a prize to be won and one that you're not entitled to because you don't 'measure up'. She's a human being with thoughts and feelings and opinions and insecurities just like you - not some goddess who can only be 'got' by you looking like some Brad Pitt-lookalike.

She obviously won't have had a clue about your feelings for her, so for you to blow her off when she invited you on that staff night will have just appeared as rude to her, and I'm surprised she was friendly to you at all when you 'chanced' her recently. (Also, that's not 'chancing', that's called having a conversation)

As someone else said, your feelings for her will fade pretty soon, but learn from this and maybe try a different approach with the next one that comes along. Confidence, friendliness, respect and an interest in her as a person rather than solely what she looks like usually go down well.

LegacyUser

Just a few things first:

beks101 wrote: »

Sounds to me like you just have projected a truckload of your own personal beliefs and self-esteem issues onto this unassuming girl.

True enough

beks101 wrote: »

You don't match up 'to her standards', you 'don't have a chance' with her etc. How old are you OP?

I am 32 (feel free to have a pop at me for being immature).She is about the same age as me.

beks101 wrote: »

not some goddess who can only be 'got' by you looking like some Brad Pitt-lookalike.

I actually wouldn't be too sure about that; she thinks a fair bit of herself.

beks101 wrote: »

She obviously won't have had a clue about your feelings for her, so for you to blow her off when she invited you on that staff night will have just appeared as rude to her, and I'm surprised she was friendly to you at all when you 'chanced' her recently. (Also, that's not 'chancing', that's called having a conversation)

Yes I had a brief conversation with her; she was with other people and I got the impression she didn't want to talk to me for long. The blow-off was a one off incident; I was friendly with her most of the time, just kept my distance when I figured she wasn't into me.


OK, this thread has evolved into an interesting debate about why men want to be with a particular type of girl (hot ones specifically). I think it's worth exploring so please don't lock it admins.
Some posters here have made some valid criticisms of me and I accept that. But let's be fair, I am not alone in thinking this way; men objectify women all the time; you don't think Christina Hendricks was voted sexiest woman in the world for her personality do you?
Yes I admit I tried to "pull" this girl in the place we worked because she was physically attractive so in a way I saw her as a trinket or object to enhance my self-esteem as one poster has said. Yes like the latest mobile 'phone or gadget or whatever. But men do it all the time, why should I be any different?
There's a bit of background to the story as well; this girl is a major sex-symbol in the place we worked in and she is fully aware of it. I reckon loads of fellas have tried it on with her in there and she likes it. That's my opinion. She is quite flirtatious ("I never wear a stitch in bed" she announced at lunch once when me and another guy were sitting with her).
Very touch-feely, lays her hands on me a lot. She can be sweet, funny, charming, really nice but also a right bitch to be honest. I caught her poking fun at me behind my back with another girl once and I wasn't too happy about it (that's kind of why I blew her off over the invite;just to show her I wasn't a complete door-mat).
I don't hold a grudge though; I was nice with her again after a while had passed. She knew in there that I fancied her; she is used to it I would say so her attitude was probably flippant; "yawn, just another guy who fancies his chances with me".
In answer to one poster; I am interested in her as a person; I DID and DO like her;I'd like to get inside her head, spend the day there, figure her out, see what she's really like.
I talked to her at a night out once in the place we worked but she was a bit distant; I bought her a drink and she didn't say thanks or return the favour. Asked her where she lived and she wouldn't tell me exactly where (I was only trying to make conversation;what does she think I'm going to do;stalk her?)
Like I say; I felt a bit uncomfortable in the workplace when I tried it on with her and got nowhere so out of respect for her and for my own sake I didn't talk much to her after that.
I suppose she just doesn't fancy me (I can handle that) but seeing her again has renewed my obsession a little but it's still like an itch I want to scratch; maybe my assumptions are wrong and I might stand a chance in the right situation and we might hit it off. I dunno, rant over.

Taltos

OP - this forum is ONLY for personal issue.
General discussions are better placed in other forums.

Provided this stays on topic to your personal issue the thread can remain open, however once it becomes or starts to become a general discussion thread we will close it.

Taltos

ILikeBananas

owen77 wrote: »

Nail on the head (again). But let's be honest here; every fella wants a hot burd as a status of achievement. I don't know if you are a guy or a girl but if you are a (heterosexual) guy you must admit to having had these feelings at least once in your life.
Women are the same, they get an ego boost out of having attractive guys slavering over them.

I'm a guy and yes, I have felt like this. When I was a teenager I used think how cool I'd look if I was walking around with the hottest girl in the area on my arm. I'd harbour secret passions for girls without them even knowing it. When I actually got the chance to talk to these girls I'd be tongue tied and blurt out something incredibly stupid. Sometimes I'd even try and say something smart and end up insulting them as a joke. Then I'd get embarrassed and end up hating myself. So yes, I know where you're coming from.

As I got older I learned some things that helped me a great deal. Simple things really. Like that the things that I obsessed over in my own appearance weren't as important as I might think. That the best way to get to know a girl was to be nice and friendly to her, but most importantly, to listen to her and not wait to tell my own story (and certainly not to insult her).

In the years since I've had a few girlfriends. And I can say from experience that I've derived a far greater overall pleasure from being with a girl that I was attracted to (for whatever combination of personality, looks, humour etc) than one who looks amazing to the outside world but fell down in other areas.

At the end of the day if you are placing a lot of importance on what others think of you and who you are with then that points to more complex issues which need to be addressed.

ILikeBananas

She sounds like a classic attention-whore OP. Forget about her, she really doesn't sound like she's worth your time and energy. Best thing to do with people like that is to ignore them in a polite way.

LegacyUser

ILikeBananas wrote: »

She sounds like a classic attention-whore OP. Forget about her, she really doesn't sound like she's worth your time and energy. Best thing to do with people like that is to ignore them in a polite way.

Easier said than done. But I might not meet her again, if I do it will only be by chance.

Distorted

OP - there was something about your first post that made me quite uncomfortable, and your second backed this up. Your comments all have this one theme - sex, with other underlying themes which seem to hint at hatred at women, aggression, tearing apart of women's characters and pointing out their flaws, coupled with a desire to keep trying to "pull" the said object of criticism. Why? To prove something to yourself? It certainly doesn't seem to be out of the usual desire of liking, admiring, respecting and lusting for someone.

But the bit about her being a "major sex symbol" in your workplace, guys trying on with her and her liking it crosses the boundaries into projecting your thoughts in a sexual way onto a private individual. It sounds as if you are trying to turn her into something she is not so that it suits you. ie you don't like her but if you turn her into a sex symbol along the lines of Christina Hendricks (who is an actress and projects a sexy image in a very controlled environment), it excuses you obsessing over her. I would pretty much bet that you are misinterpreting a lot of what she says and does by obsessing and overthinking about her too.

I actually find it quite unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with finding women sexy or attractive, but there is something about your posts that, speaks of crossing the lines of what I as a woman find acceptable comment, and what is an acceptable way to think about your work colleagues. You do also sound unhealthily obsessed about this woman. Why on earth would she give you her home address? Doesn't really fit in with your view of her as a sex symbol that one who enjoys men slavering over her, does it?

Saying that men objectify women all the time and then using Christina Hendricks as an excuse to objectify as a sex symbol a work colleague is so skewed, and its astonishing that you can't see it.

I'd also take you to task on your comment about women liking men slavering over them. I get a lot of male attention, and tbh it gets on my nerves and can be extremely irritating. I dare say there are plenty of women out there who do like attention, but most of my more attractive female friends simply don't need the boost to the self esteem either. If men think we like it, thats them simply projecting their desires.

Why on earth don't you find a woman that you actually like and ask her out instead? Or just be happily single if thats not for you? And maybe just spare a thought for this poor woman, whom I doubt is the demon crossed with sex symbol you portray her as, and who would probably be a bit disturbed if she knew how you think about her and try to portray her (if it was me I would be bloody furious).

LegacyUser

Distorted, I don't hate women. I have many female friends and they say I am sweet and nice. However men view different women in different ways according to what they see in their character.
This girl likes attention, I am sure of that.
OK I take on board your criticisms and will change my attitude to her if I meet her again. I'm not the misogynist you make me out to be though.

Distorted

I don't actually have you pegged as a misogynist, its just that you seem to have a somewhat "distorted" attitude towards some women. It really does make me a little uncomfortable. You may be an absolutely wonderful guy in real life, but thats not a respectful way to think about any woman, and the "asking for it" type comments can be really offensive.

I also can't see what this former work colleage has actually done to deserve such a character assassination by you! She seems to have treated you nothing but fairly, other than not responding to your advances, which kind of contradicts your view of her anyway.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I don't actually have you pegged as a misogynist, its just that you seem to have a somewhat "distorted" attitude towards some women. It really does make me a little uncomfortable. You may be an absolutely wonderful guy in real life, but thats not a respectful way to think about any woman, and the "asking for it" type comments can be really offensive.

I also can't see what this former work colleage has actually done to deserve such a character assassination by you! She seems to have treated you nothing but fairly, other than not responding to your advances, which kind of contradicts your view of her anyway.

I didn't assasinate her character,just pointed out she was a bit flirty. I like her but I think if I meet her again I won't try to "pull" her, I'll just chat amiably to her, not try to come on to her.
Once again, I didn't stop being as friendly with her in that job because she wasn't interested in me, it was rather because I felt a bit uncomfortable being around her once she knew I was into her, and once I knew that she wasn't interested in me.

LegacyUser

The bit that really jumps out to me about your first post is how you seem to think you fall below this girl's standards. I know this sounds cliched but that's a load of nonsense. It really is. I learned that the hard way myself.

She's a person. Just like you. If you like her, do something about it. If she turns you down, you tried, you move on. It might be tough, but you will always. ALWAYS regret the things you don't do in life more than the things you do.

''every fella wants a hot burd as a status of achievement.''

This isn't true either. And if that's the only reason you want her, well leave her alone because no-one deserves that.

LegacyUser

Swsaed wrote: »

The bit that really jumps out to me about your first post is how you seem to think you fall below this girl's standards. I know this sounds cliched but that's a load of nonsense. It really is. I learned that the hard way myself.

She's a person. Just like you. If you like her, do something about it. If she turns you down, you tried, you move on. It might be tough, but you will always. ALWAYS regret the things you don't do in life more t
n the things you do.

I tried it on a bit and got no reaction and I'm not the kind of person who won't take no for an answer. I respect the girl's boundaries and won't irritate her by pursuing her when she has no interest. I've seen my mates do this and it only turns her against the guy.
I hope to meet her again and maybe we will hit it off. I'm not going to start stalking her or anything weird like that. I suppose if we don't have anything in common the relationship would be a bit pointless anyway.

Swsaed wrote: »

''every fella wants a hot burd as a status of achievement.''
This isn't true either. And if that's the only reason you want her, well leave her alone because no-one deserves that.

I wouldn't say that was the only reason I wanted her, part of it I'm sure but she's quite charismatic as well.

Distorted

owen77 wrote: »

I tried it on a bit and got no reaction and I'm not the kind of person who won't take no for an answer. I respect the girl's boundaries and won't irritate her by pursuing her when she has no interest. I hope to meet her again and maybe we will hit it off.

That really contradictory.

I thought you said you thought she had a boyfriend anyway?

Why not forget about her completely and try and meet someone else?

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

That really contradictory.

I thought you said you thought she had a boyfriend anyway?

I'm not sure, I could have found out if I hung around spying on her.

Distorted wrote: »

Why not forget about her completely and try and meet someone else?

I will try to forget her completely (I had forgot about her a bit until I met her again last weekend; damn it).
I will try to meet someone that likes me back (if that's possible:-))