Feels like this could lead to trouble...

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, going unreg here for this. I feel a bit confused at the minute and would really appreciate some advice here. I've known one of the girls at work for about 4 years now but in the past 3 years we've become really close and now I'd say she was one of my best friends. She has been going out with her fella for 6 years and they got engaged a few weeks ago. I myself am in a serious realtionship with a lovely man who I love to bits and we have talked about marriage, kids etc which is why I feel guilty at the minute.

My friend is originally from out west so before she got engaged she stayed in Dub during the week and then travelled home to him at the weekend. For this reason I'd only met her boyfriend twice for a couple of minutes when he had come up to stay in Dublin. My impression of him was that he was a nice fella, a bit of a cheeky chappie he also seemed a bit shy. I wasn't attracted to him at all.

However now they've got engaged he has just recently found work close to her in Dub and now they live together here. My best friend invited me out with them last night with another mutual friend of ours (my bf had to work) and a bit of drink was involved.

Last night, with a bit of drink in him his attitude towards me was changed. He started to jokingly slag me off and push my shoulder playfully. Before we left their house to go out, he was trying to teach me to play guitar and my best friend even joked that "oh you get to play the guitar, he won't even let me touch it". At the gig we went to, he stayed pretty close to me and whenever he went to say something to me, he would put his arm around my shoulder or back of my neck (had to shout in my ear -pretty loud music ) At one point I went to get a round in and he followed me. He wanted to stay at the bar for a minute to chat but at this stage I was starting to feel a bit awkward and also a bit confused to be honest and wanted to get back to the two girls which he had no problem with. Both of us girls stayed over at their house that night and to be honest it was a bit awkward on the occassions I was alone with him this morning. At one point he reached me a cup of tea and our fingers touched by accident. We both started and looked at each other and he did that eye-mouth-eye look then looked guilty. I felt awkward as hell and left soon after.

Now I'm feeling even more confused, I can't stop thinking about him and I can still remember that little feeling when he touched my hand this morning. I feel like avoiding him but then how can I do that when he's engaged to my best friend? There was definitely a spark between us this morning and I feel guiltly as hell

ILikeBananas

There's no need to feel guilty. You've not done anything wrong. The important thing is how you are going to behave in the future. Something is only going to happen if you let it. If a part of you wants something to happen perhaps you should be thinking about the reasons why that is.

LegacyUser

Hi, the thing is I don't know how to behave around him now. Obv I must feel some attraction for him because I can't get him out of my head at the minute so part of me must want something to happen and that's why I feel so guilty. I've been with my bf for 4 years and in that time I've never felt attracted like this to any other fella, I feel very confused

I am a friend

He sounds gamey - the poor girl. If he is doing this to her friend, god knows what he is doing when she is not around.

A0

Be more distant... Make sure through your body language that he will never feel like there might be something between you and him, and everything will be alright. You may also remind him that he's engaged and should behave.

I am a friend

feelingabitconfused wrote: »

Hi, the thing is I don't know how to behave around him now. Obv I must feel some attraction for him because I can't get him out of my head at the minute so part of me must want something to happen and that's why I feel so guilty. I've been with my bf for 4 years and in that time I've never felt attracted like this to any other fella, I feel very confused

Avoid him for as long as possible as it looks like you are looking for trouble as well.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Avoid him for as long as possible as it looks like you are looking for trouble as well.

I'm really not looking for trouble that's the thing, I would never cheat on my boyfriend. Today to be honest I'm feeling more like myself and as someone else said I'm wondering if he's up to this sort of behaviour with other girls. I mean there's flirting and flirting if you know what I mean. I mean my best friend was in the vicinity, what would he be like with other women if she wasn't there?! I think I will avoid him as much as possible but it could be tricky as now my mate is living in Dub full time she wants to meet up more at weekends (obv involving him). In fact she wants to go out again this Fri night. I feel like saying something to my friend but maybe it would be best to keep my mouth shut?

LegacyUser

A0 wrote: »

Be more distant... Make sure through your body language that he will never feel like there might be something between you and him, and everything will be alright. You may also remind him that he's engaged and should behave.

Thanks, I honestly don't feel like my body language I was doing anything to encourage him though the other night, it was all him being touchy-feely. Though I'll try and make a conscious effort with my body language next time I see him that I'm really not interested. I'm starting to feel like instead of a nice guy he's maybe a bit of a sleaze.

I am a friend

He sounds like a sleaze...

What can you say to her? 'your boyfriend is a bit over friendly?'...

Big Bag of Chips

Look, it happens.

Just because you are in a relationship doesn't stop you from finding other people attractive (very attractive!) There is nothing wrong with finding him attractive, and there's nothing wrong with him finding you attractive.

Where it goes wrong is if either of you act on it.

If you have to be in his company then you have to make it clear (in your own mind) that you are not interested in allowing anything to happen. If you're clear on that, it will transfer outwardly.

He may be a "cheeky chappy", he may naturally be a touchy/feely type person. You may be the first person he has ever behaved like this with... (just like he's the first person you've had these feelings about?)

Be clear in yourself that you don't want anything to happen. And he will probably start doing the same.

woodchuck

I disagree with other posters that are jumping to the conclusion that he’s a sleaze etc. Everything you described about his behaviour is very subjective to say the least. It sounds like he could just be a friendly guy who is opening up to you a bit more now that you’ve spent more time with him. He could naturally be a ‘touchy’ type and this could get exaggerated if he’s had a few drinks. The fact that he’s acting like this around his girlfriend means he probably thinks there’s nothing wrong with the behaviour and so there’s unlikely to be anything sinister behind it in my opinion.

If you think you have feelings for him though (and assuming you don’t want to do anything about it and hurt your friend and boyfriend!!) then just try to be a little cooler around him and avoid being alone with him if you can.

Big Bag of Chips

I have to agree with woodchuck. He didn't necessarily do anything that made you think he fancied you. You clearly fancy him and perceived that there were "moments" or "intentions" on his part.

I don't understand the "eye-mouth-eye look" - what is it? Does it not only happen in films?! And then you say he looked guilty.. you think he looked guilty, he may not have looked/felt guilty at all - maybe he felt awkward or embarrassed because your fingers touched, and he had a fair idea that you fancied him at this stage! (Fellas can pick up on these things just as well as girls, you know!)

He may be being friendly/more comfortable with you because he's met you a couple times now. Because you fancy him, you may be taking that up as something else.

Forget about him and what he may be thinking or feeling at the minute and just worry about yourself. You fancy him. You're with someone, he's with your best friend and you don't want anything to happen. So make sure you don't inadvertently flirt with him. You may think you're not being obvious - but other people are quick to pick up on even subtle things! So make a conscious effort to be even more "normal" around him than you normally would. But not too obviously normal, or you will also draw attention to yourself too!

It's a minefield!