a bit of a mess.

LegacyUser

Thanks to anybody who reads all of this. I don't think I'm really looking for advice as just trying to write stuff down to get my head together a bit... But it's nice to know people might read this instead of keeping it to myself.

I'll post a bit about who I am first. I'm 25, male, no relationship history that means anything at all, a handful of good friends (male and female), not into bars/nightclubs, fond of my own company. I have a history of depression and severe social anxiety (cripplingly bad) on and off over the past 10 years. I have a hobby that takes up a lot of my time, that I'm good at and that I love (musician). I work part time to pay my rent etc.

A few weeks ago I met a girl, she'd just moved to ireland and we got on well as friends and she ended up moving into my place (houseshare) without thinking too much about it.

Anyway we've spent quite a bit of time together as friends, been roadtripping together, there's a very definite click. Fine. She's in a long distance relationship, but a few times (after drinks) we have ended up together (not sex, lots of very intense kissing and staying together all night. I'm aware it's bad form... I'll get to that. I feel guilty, she feels guilty, and neither of us are able to stop. I like her a lot, she likes me a lot (we have spoken about where we are at together), we both want to be with each other, but she won't leave the relationship she's in, again this is natural as far as I'm concerned.

But... I know she should know better, and as it stands what she wants is to keep things going as they are..And this is the problem.

Part of me is happy to do that, because this is the first time a girl I've been really interested in is showing interest in me, we live together, are great friends and I really enjoy the time with her. It's also the only shred of attention and physical affection I've had in the past 3 years and being a bit fed up/lonely I find it practically impossible to push her away when affection is on offer.

I know this is bad for me, I know it's stopping me finding a relationship where I will be happy, we agreed to kill it a couple weeks ago but this weekend it happened again, and now to be honest it feels more like a dog and owner relationship than anything else, like I get affection to the degree that she wants it and when she wants it, and utimately I'm being taken advantage of I guess. I know all this sounds like an absolute cop out, I'm painfully aware of this. We spend hours together, we kiss and it's very intense, and as it's going towards sex, or would be normally, she turns around and says goodnight and that's the end of it and I'm left alone (and with a raging boner and no relief, heh)


And to make things worse, she has told her other half that something is happening with me, but she doesn't know the details. I want to tell her to make a final decision, be honest with the other half and make a committed decision one way or another but she doesn't feel that what she's doing is hurting anyone (it's hurting at least 2 and possibly 3 people) but to her it doesn't change the relationship she's in.

I know the obvious answer is to walk away with whatever little shred of self respect I have left... but I can't push her away when she starts, and living with her and being friends with her and not getting *any* closeness with her seems like a worse idea, though potentially a better one in the long term.

It seems much more obvious that I need to walk away now that it's written down, but there ya go.

I'm also aware that a large part of the problem is my loneliness and lack of conventional social life (I really don't like being part of a big group, don't like crowds and find most people really difficult to talk to) so I'm stuck in limbo between wanting to be socially content and being absolutely terrified and crippled to the point of it becoming a vicious circle and my head gets worse and worse.

I don't want anyone to think I'm endlessly miserable either, because I'm not, I love my hobby, tolerate my job, love my few friends, love my dog... It's just I'm 25 and a little lost and lonely and would love to have someone close in my life and i'm taking the current situation as a bit of a knock, the first few weeks I knew her I really thought my luck had changed.

There's not much anyone can reply with other than to state the obvious I suppose... but if anyone's been in a similar situation or has any advice I'd like to hear it.

Thanks for listenin,

John

parrai

Hi John,
From reading what you've told us, I have nothing to add, but just echo...
You have a great handle on what the situation is already, but seeing as it is a discussion board, here's my take...

John's house wrote: »

Part of me is happy to do that, because this is the first time a girl I've been really interested in is showing interest in me, we live together, are great friends and I really enjoy the time with her. It's also the only shred of attention and physical affection I've had in the past 3 years and being a bit fed up/lonely I find it practically impossible to push her away when affection is on offer.

This is what you have to make your decision on... If you can limit your relationship to this, then by all means continue, but from what I have read, you want more and I understand completely why this is the case. You're starving for affection and she is feeding you.

John's house wrote: »

...and now to be honest it feels more like a dog and owner relationship than anything else, like I get affection to the degree that she wants it and when she wants it, and utimately I'm being taken advantage of I guess.

You are only being taken advantage of if you let it happen... By reading what you've posted, she knows you are 'hot' for her, but you can be sure she knows your situation too...

If you want this to continue, be under no illusions that you won't get hurt... It 'making your mind up time'...

John's house wrote: »

And to make things worse, she has told her other half that something is happening with me, but she doesn't know the details. I want to tell her to make a final decision, be honest with the other half and make a committed decision one way or another but she doesn't feel that what she's doing is hurting anyone (it's hurting at least 2 and possibly 3 people) but to her it doesn't change the relationship she's in.

She has made it clear from the start that this is a bit of fun... You know this and she knows it too, this is why she can't see the harm. But unfortunately, you are hurting and will hurt more if you allow this to continue...

John's house wrote: »

I know the obvious answer is to walk away with whatever little shred of self respect I have left... but I can't push her away when she starts...

You are going to have to...

LegacyUser

Shes a cheater. You'd be doing yourself a favour to push away from that type of person. Believe me, if she can cheat on someone else then its very likely that in the future she will cheat on you.

Firetrap

Your post is very perceptive. You know exactly what's going on here. The only thing I can say is that you are going to have to pull the plug on this situation sooner rather than later. There's an inevitability to this - sooner rather than later it's going to end. From your point of view, I can't see this ending well. She's more than happy to cheat on her boyfriend but chances are that she is going to go back to him in the end. You're her plaything, her bit on the side.

As for what to do. You're going to have to learn how to keep your distance. If it means you spend less time in the sitting room when she's in the house or whatever, so be it. You'll know yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks.

I will try to spend less time with her. It's a shame, most of my friends have gone abroad for work (i've been travelling, back home and thinking about hitting the road again) so I don't really know many people in my own home town now.

She is also my friend (and would be even if there was no attraction), the person I spend the most time with, I don't try to make it that way, but if I'm not around the living room she'll be knocking on my door looking for company. I'm going to have to stop it and focus on the music/getting a social life back together.

Unfortunately I think i'm attached enough/jealous enough that I'm not going to be able to be a friend to her if there's this kind of thing been going on, I can't spend time with her alone and not want to be with her so cutting back on everything we do together is going to hurt. It will hurt her too, she is not finding the LDR easy and I'm one of the only people she knows in Dublin. I shouldn't really care... maybe I've had too much time and availability for her and she feels I won't walk away when affection is on offer. A friend of mine suggested pushing thigns harder, as it were, when things are happening to force her to make a decision but like firetrap and parrai said, at this point I can't see it ending well for me, unless she makes a serious change (and even then there's the once a cheater always a cheater issue to consider)

Wish I'd never gotten into this situation, honestly it's easier to stamp things down and not deal with feelings than end up in a mess like this because of some weird human desire to be loved and wanted.
miss her already. ****

John

LegacyUser

I'm sorry John but I'm going to be blunt here.

She is hurting you, and she doesn't care. She is also betraying someone else, and apparently thinks that's no big deal either.

If she can admit that, and apologize for it, and work to become a better person, then she might be worth spending time with. As it is, she is taking advantage of your situation.

I hope you can find the strength to push her out of your life (barring her turning a new leaf), so that you can spend time on finding someone better to spend your time with.

Good luck to you.