How to choose the nice guy from the bad ones?

LegacyUser

I have been thinking recently and going back to when I started in the dating scene how I have changed from being shy and innocent, then going with the flow and open to going out with anyone to being a bit more confident but fussy when it comes to men.

Something has been niggling me the past few years and I just wonder am I picking the wrong guys. I tended to fall for guys unrequited who didn’t feel the same way about me and vice versa, guys who were attached and had girlfriends, the rebels/bad boys/players. I just found myself falling for the wrong guys just wonder if there is something wrong that I couldn’t stop myself from choosing the wrong ones.

I have been a lot more careful in choosing guys lately but somehow still end up with the man-child/bad boy but rarely the nice guy. Find am not always attracted to the nice guys but turned off by the man-child and that I always seem to be still be attracted to the bad boys even if they are nice guys there are just rebels but seem to be slowly weaning myself off of the players but trying to pick out the nice guy is getting harder. Is there any way of just knowing who the nice guys are?

Sometimes I keep thinking the best ones are already taken.

I honestly don’t know what it is, is it a human nature thing that women don’t go for the nice guys but eventually do in the end??

I have been considering going on the pill in the hope it might help in finding the nice partner as a recent study has shown that the pill alters the hormones so that a woman happens to choose partners that are nice, the good guys, and relationships be longer lasting and more successful.

So just curious is it me or is it just nature that causes me to pick the wrong guys?

parrai

Icanthaveyou wrote: »

I have been thinking recently and going back to when I started in the dating scene how I have changed from being shy and innocent, then going with the flow and open to going out with anyone to being a bit more confident but fussy when it comes to men.

This is the first step, realising you don't want to be taken for granted anymore...

Icanthaveyou wrote: »

Something has been niggling me the past few years and I just wonder am I picking the wrong guys. I tended to fall for guys unrequited who didn’t feel the same way about me and vice versa, guys who were attached and had girlfriends, the rebels/bad boys/players. I just found myself falling for the wrong guys just wonder if there is something wrong that I couldn’t stop myself from choosing the wrong ones.

I don't think there was anything wrong, you just, at that point in your life, accepted things the way they were... As you said 'going with the flow...'

Icanthaveyou wrote: »

I have been a lot more careful in choosing guys lately but somehow still end up with the man-child/bad boy but rarely the nice guy. Find am not always attracted to the nice guys but turned off by the man-child and that I always seem to be still be attracted to the bad boys even if they are nice guys there are just rebels but seem to be slowly weaning myself off of the players but trying to pick out the nice guy is getting harder.

Did you ever think that the nice guy might be the man/child growing into the nice guy? Now, don't get me wrong, nobody wants someone looking for a mother, but maybe there are some that have the foundations of being mature men?

Icanthaveyou wrote: »

I have been considering going on the pill in the hope it might help in finding the nice partner as a recent study has shown that the pill alters the hormones so that a woman happens to choose partners that are nice, the good guys, and relationships be longer lasting and more successful.

Don't think this is it anyway...

Wibbs

Icanthaveyou wrote: »

I have been considering going on the pill in the hope it might help in finding the nice partner as a recent study has shown that the pill alters the hormones so that a woman happens to choose partners that are nice, the good guys, and relationships be longer lasting and more successful.

The same studies seem to show that breakups/divorce happen more when the women come off the pill, so what happens then? The effect is likely too small for the pill to "cure" it anyway.

So just curious is it me or is it just nature that causes me to pick the wrong guys?

Well it's your choice deep down. Thinking of the women I've know who consistently went for the players they had a few things in common as a very general thing. 1) they were usually younger women. Women who may have not figured out the difference between a strong man and a player. They can be easily enough confused if you've little enough experience of the actual good man(plus there's fewer examples of the latter at 18 compared to the same men at 30). Both are usually socially confident, interesting and emotionally self controlled. With the "bad boy" this is more a facade and are emotionally closed off. Big diff to self control. 2) The women tended to require more emotional stimulation(AKA drama). If they couldn't get the good kind, they'd settle for the bad. The bad is easier to get for a start. The ones addicted to the "will he/won't he ring. Does he/doesn't he like me" dynamic. The guys who kept them guessing. The nice guys bored them more quickly as they knew where they stood with them so no mystery/drama. 3) the women tended more towards the insecure. The guy treating them with some level of dismissal confirmed their own feelings about themselves. The guy who was attentive seemed to be less attractive because he didn't see that she was not that great/didn't agree with their internal dialogue kinda thing.

If you've gone out with been attracted by a string of the player type, then it seems hard to break this as the more a guy plugs into your internal template the more you'll be attracted to him and rinse and repeat. So maybe change the internal template or attempt to?

First off learn to value yourself. This is the biggie. The majority of the women I've known like this at 25, wouldn't have a bar of the same dopes as the same women at 30. They simply valued themselves more. They also grew out of the drama requirement, realising that drama =/= does not equal healthy emotional stimulation.

Secondly, keep looking. Half the people in the world are men. There a many many many good men out there who you will meet and you will learn to spot them.

Thirdly, your happiness lies in your own hands and within your power to look for and get.