Attitude from work colleagues - worth saying something?

LegacyUser

Hi there, I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. going unreg.

So I was at a work night out the other day. I havent been to many in a while for various reasons, but had to be at this one. Most of the crowd are grand, especially the guys and the junior staff, but I was a bit annoyed at the stand-offishness of some of the girls my own age/level and a bit older/senior (I'm a girl too!). That's not a new thing, and since I haven't been out as much lately maybe I just noticed it more, but basically I felt quite excluded by this clique. As I'd helped organise it (this is why I felt I had to be there), I was trying to mingle so as not to seem rude, so deliberately sat down where a few of the girls were congregating. There was no big issue or any major incident but just enough small things to annoy me, like talking over me, changing the subject to gossipy stuff I don;t know anything about, and sort of closing me out of conversations. Just general uncomfortableness - making me feel like an antisocial weirdo when really I'm not. I'm a bit on the quiet side alright but was making an effort to be chatty. Any of my attempts at conversation were kinda shot down within minutes.

I don't care a whole lot really, mainly cos I'm leaving soon! However, Id changed my existing plans to be there, and was actually looking forward to the night out, but ended up feeling like I was back in school! Like I said there was no single big incident or anything, just a general feeling that it's ok to be rude to me. Most of them are nice enough normally, but after a few drinks they can be very up themselves - the particular group is quite bitchy anyway among themselves, so I doubt it's anything personal, but at the same time there are certain other people they wouldnt treat like that, so it's far from ok to do it to me.

Anyway, maybe it's cos I'm leaving, but I am tempted to ask have I offended someone or done something wrong, to see what the reaction/explanation is. Is this a good idea or am I stirring? I still have a few months left working there so maybe I'm as well to keep my trap shut. However, if someone were to ask if it was a good night or whatever, I'd be inclined to put em straight and say it was like pulling teeth! I ended up meeting the OH and his work gang afterwards in fact and the contrast was unreal! Those couple of hours with them was infinitely more fun than sitting around being made to feel uncomfortable by a bunch of insecure moans. Is there any point is even bringing anyone's attention to this? I don;t want a repeat at my own leaving do for example! All advice is gratefully appreciated!

dellas1979

I don't care a whole lot really

Erm, you obviously do.

Dont bother asking them. You will open a can of worms you'll wish you hadnt.

We all have had experiences like this at one time or another, but I wouldnt go to people who I think dont like me and ask them why. That is just asking for trouble.

You are leaving, so really, why would you care?

Firetrap

I'd leave it be. They sound pretty rude to be honest. I'm not sure asking them why they don't like you (which is what it boils down to) is going to achieve anything. Especially seeing as you're leaving anyway. If I was in your shoes, I'd not bother dealing with them more than I have to. Be polite, professional and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies! yeah you're both right, nice to hear that other people agree it's rude, I think I posted really to gauge whether it's acceptable behaviour or not. That's helped as I was wondering had I upset someone or done something to deserve it.

I genuinely wouldn't care APART from the fact that there's a fair few social events looming that I gotta go to, including my own leaving do and that's not even including all the festive stuff coming up and I just don't want to experience that again. I think I was only annoyed as I ended up changing existing plans as well as turning down something else in order to attend this lame night out and I felt unwelcome by a small minority when all I was trying to do was be sociable. It'd put me off going to any unnecessary event again, but I guess rudeness is their problem though, not mine.

daisybelle2008

workprob wrote: »

Hi there, I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. going unreg.

So I was at a work night out the other day. I havent been to many in a while for various reasons, but had to be at this one. Most of the crowd are grand, especially the guys and the junior staff, but I was a bit annoyed at the stand-offishness of some of the girls my own age/level and a bit older/senior (I'm a girl too!). That's not a new thing, and since I haven't been out as much lately maybe I just noticed it more, but basically I felt quite excluded by this clique. As I'd helped organise it (this is why I felt I had to be there), I was trying to mingle so as not to seem rude, so deliberately sat down where a few of the girls were congregating. There was no big issue or any major incident but just enough small things to annoy me, like talking over me, changing the subject to gossipy stuff I don;t know anything about, and sort of closing me out of conversations. Just general uncomfortableness - making me feel like an antisocial weirdo when really I'm not. I'm a bit on the quiet side alright but was making an effort to be chatty. Any of my attempts at conversation were kinda shot down within minutes.


I don;t want a repeat at my own leaving do for example! All advice is gratefully appreciated!

It may be that as you haven't been going out as much with them they don't see you as much as part of their group, also the fact you only sat down there so as not to seem rude might have been picked up on. You weren't sitting there to catch up with them and find out how they were. It does not look to me like they were intentionally freezing you out. They were perfectly entitled to change the subject to the gossipy stuff they wanted to talk about. It's their night out to catch up.The fact you don't know about it is maybe a sign you haven't been making the effort to spend time with them and get to know them. Which you are perfectly entitled to do. But you can't expect to be treated like one of the gang on their 'lame night out' when your heart is not in it in the first place.

LegacyUser

You make a good point, but I'm not sure that's really it. I've not been out much as I had a family illness to deal with. It wasnt actually "their night out to catch up" either, the reason for the night out was to celebrate me and another workmate completing our professional exams. That's the reason I had to be there, and also explains why I haven't been socialising so much, especially when combined with my personal situation. I can't really make any apologies for those circumstances, unfortunately. Certainly most if not all would be aware of the family situation. In fairness, the guys and younger crowd don't seem to hold it against me for not being able to go out as much, so I don;t see why the rest would. Also plenty of people rarely go out due to their own circumstances, like kids, long commutes etc, and they aren't thought any less of either.

I might not have explained myself very well re:mingling, I was aware that people were out to celebrate, and was also aware that I'd spent a lot of time chatting to a different group earlier and didn't want to seem like I was ignoring anyone who'd gone to the trouble of coming out to celebrate. Like I said, I can be pretty quiet and can be anxious that quietness might be misinterpreted as rudeness, so I deliberately went out of my way to be sociable rather than stay in my comfort zone and be perceived as the rude one. If the situation was reversed then I'd always include someone in whatever conversation was going on and would certainly chat away if they were trying to strike up a chat with me.

daisybelle2008

workprob wrote: »

You make a good point, but I'm not sure that's really it. I've not been out much as I had a family illness to deal with. It wasnt actually "their night out to catch up" either, the reason for the night out was to celebrate me and another workmate completing our professional exams. That's the reason I had to be there, and also explains why I haven't been socialising so much, especially when combined with my personal situation. I can't really make any apologies for those circumstances, unfortunately. Certainly most if not all would be aware of the family situation. In fairness, the guys and younger crowd don't seem to hold it against me for not being able to go out as much, so I don;t see why the rest would. Also plenty of people rarely go out due to their own circumstances, like kids, long commutes etc, and they aren't thought any less of either.

I might not have explained myself very well re:mingling, I was aware that people were out to celebrate, and was also aware that I'd spent a lot of time chatting to a different group earlier and didn't want to seem like I was ignoring anyone who'd gone to the trouble of coming out to celebrate. Like I said, I can be pretty quiet and can be anxious that quietness might be misinterpreted as rudeness, so I deliberately went out of my way to be sociable rather than stay in my comfort zone and be perceived as the rude one. If the situation was reversed then I'd always include someone in whatever conversation was going on and would certainly chat away if they were trying to strike up a chat with me.

The event was held in your honour, calling it a lame night out is a bit ungrateful and maybe people pick up on this. Of course you have you reasons for not going out as much and the fact you are a bit quiet may be a contributing factor. I think you are reading to much into it. In work environments there are always groups that get on better together. You have not been socialising as much with this group so don't take it too personally. I would not be inclined to say anything. As you said you seem to get on well with the other people. Sounds like they are just a bit more connected to each other through spending more time together and wanted to talk about their own stuff. They fact they bothered to come out for your exam celebration should be evidence enough they don't have a problem with you. Keep making the effort anyway, it will be good for you in the next job too. If people are not as nice back don't take it personally at least you did your best

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

The event was held in your honour, calling it a lame night out is a bit ungrateful and maybe people pick up on this.

I only called it lame as a result of people sitting around with moany heads on them being rude. No one forced them to come, it was only a few drinks after work anyway, not a huge deal though I gladly changed my pre-existing plans to attend. How is it ungrateful when I pointed out several times already that I made a point of being friendly and sociable and was rewarded with ignorance? No one deserves that, especially if they've been making an effort. There was no ungratefulness to pick up on from me, I was glad to be back out socialising again and free of exams It was only afterwards that I got annoyed as a result of being excluded and made feel like I'd done something wrong

It was lame to me because when I met up with a different group of people later (OH and his mates), the contrast was unbelieveable - people who I wouldnt know so well were lovely and friendly and commented on how I was missed lately due to all the stuff I had going on and enquired as to how everything was. I don't think I did anything wrong, in fact in I've learned my lesson and will give that lot a wide berth in future.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Keep making the effort anyway, it will be good for you in the next job too. If people are not as nice back don't take it personally at least you did your best

Thanks, that's really good advice

qwertytlk

Ugggghhhh... I hate people who behave like that. I would never ever treat another person like that! They just have a general attitude problem and its their problem, not yours!
You said you went around and mingled with everyone including them, well next time there is a work party or event i would say just dont go over and sit with them. Unless of course the situation requires you to. Otherwise just say hi when passing (purely just so your not seen as 'ignorant' by them, which inevitably would give them more ammo) and speak if spoken to.
Just stay with your own work friends or people who arent rude, bitchy, insensitive assholes!

As for confronting them, well i dont think its a good idea tbh. If there the type of people i think they are then its likey to just cause more crap, and it will probably just get tounges wagging. Not to mention them bitching!
I actualy reckon you should leave them be and just try enjoy your last few months in work. Leave on a positive note, with your head held high cos YOU havent done anything wrong!
Best of luck:)

Colonel Panic

Why waste another thought on these people? It won't be the last time you encounter work colleagues who are hard work!

estar

Hi there you don't really have a work prob as it was outside work. not everyone you work with is going to be nice and your friend. You acted well by trying and passing yourself and mingling. don't ruin it by asking such questions. At the end of the day a jobs a job. You are going to meet these types in every job. My advice is be mannerly and professional in work and let it slide. you look better than they did.