Cracking under pressure

itsteatime

This is going to be a really long one and done anon, so please bare with me.

I'm in my mid twenties and still live at home with my Mam. Parents split up when I was young and I'm her only child. My Dad, who I stay in regular contact with, married again and had two more children.

My Mam was diagnosed with emphysema a few years ago and since then it has changed our lives dramatically. A lot has been left up to me - housework wise and caring for her as she gets sick a lot. She had to leave her job because of her condition and she is confined to the house most days. She still tries to take on too much around the house, its like she goes about like she was pre-diagnosis. It leaves her worn out and then she does nothing but complain about it to me. I give out to her saying she shouldn't be doing it but she always fires back that there is no one else to do it. I try my best to help out as much as I can but its just never enough. The house just never seems clean and she's always going on about it - putting more pressure on me to do something about it.

I've started back college this year as a mature student (I'm in my mid twenties), and the stress of adjusting to the workload, the daily commute of 4 hours and then coming home to listen to her moan constantly about either how sick she is or the state of the place is really getting to me.

Now don't get me wrong, we've a great relationship and get on well most of the time. However I have so much responsibility and I'm not prepared or able for it. My college work is really suffering because I'm constantly putting her before anything else.

To make matters worse we got a dog a few months ago. I thought that it would do her the world of good, i.e companionship for her when I'm at college and maybe get her out of the house a bit more, weather and health permitting. However all this has done is add more pressure. She obviously loves the dog but she keeps saying she's not able for him. Add that and he's a dog that just constantly sheds his hair because he's a house dog so the place is in even worse condition! Plus because the dog is mine, he's really attached to me so when I'm out of the house he's just moping around and my Mam goes out of her way to play with him.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm so so grateful for that! Truely. But to have to listen to her every time I walk back in the door about how lonely the dog was, how tired she is from looking after him and then the mess that he has made.... and if she's sick, how horrible she's feeling and that all she wanted to do was to stay in bed all day... I'm actually going out of my f**king mind!!!

I want nothing more to say 'f**k it' and move out, however my guilt complex and bad financial situation won't allow it. As I stated earlier, I'm an only child and its my responsibility.

Take for example today. The both of us have been sick for the past week and I missed an assignment because I was unable to do it. I rang the college department in question and they said that there was absolutely no problem, that to do it over the weekend and hand it in on Tuesday with a sick note. Happy days!

But because I was still sick, I was only able to get to the library for the necessary books for the paper on Sunday. Due to the commute and the task involved, I was gone about 6 hours. I didn't get any work done in the library either because my Mam was ringing me asking me when I'd be home. So off home I went and naturally I had to listen to her about her day and how put out she was that she had to look after the dog. By the time I did that, had my dinner, cleaned the place up and played with the dog I was exhausted.

Then this morning I woke up early to do my assignment and during breakfast my Mam was asking me to do a load of stuff in the house. I explained to her that I have too much to do and that she KNOWS this and to stop asking me to do things around the house when she knows I have a deadline. She is constantly doing this, always asking at the worst time.

So she said that was ok but I could tell by her that she was pissed off. She was acting very cool towards me. I snapped and started on the tasks that she asked me to do in the first place, in the f**king horrors because I ALWAYS give in. In the horrors because the same thing will happen again, I'll be up at 4am still finishing this damn assignment.
I paused for a moment and she says that 'it doesn't need to be done today' and I freaked. We had a huge argument and she basically said that I wasn't going to turn all of this around on her and make her feel guilty for it. It wasn't her fault. Treating me like a child in the process, that 'I was to do my assignment and leave it.'

But the fact is that I resent her condition and her increasing dependancy on me. It was hard enough when she was diagnosed to cope with it but now its just impossible. I come home every day straight from college to help her with the dog and for the company, if I don't and I'm in the library, she gives out to me and gives me a guilt trip like any mammy would. I have no social life in college because of it, no friends. Friends I knew from previous jobs and my last college I never get to see because I'm always at home. I feel like a hermit. I'm made feel guilty for having a social life when I do go out.

I've talked to her about it on previous occasions and she says that its just my interpretation of it and that she doesn't mind if I'm out but when it happens, its clear that it does bother her. I've told her that I'm finding it very hard to cope and she is always there to listen to me and say the right thing and it might improve for a while, but we always end up back in the same place.

I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of the constant pressure. This is my last chance to make a better life for the both of us by getting great job but I know if I keep on with the way things are going, I'm going to fail my degree. She actually said to me today 'so when will you be finished your assignments?', as if this one was the last one and I could go back to doing everything again and I told her that I still have half of the first batch to do and after that, there will be another batch and then exams before Christmas. After January? Repeat this process again. Not impressed is a phrase that is putting it mildly.

I'm at a loss at what to do. If any of you have any sort of suggestions I would be grateful.

Thanks
x

liquoriceall

I would think there might be support groups out there for your mother? Speak to your GP or Practice nurse they might be able to point you in the right direction

itsteatime

liquoriceall wrote: »

I would think there might be support groups out there for your mother? Speak to your GP or Practice nurse they might be able to point you in the right direction

I've suggested home help to her before but she refuses to get any help. She says that it isn't needed. Thank you for your reply though!

tenchi-fan

It sounds like your mother is being increasingly socially isolated due to her condition. It's not going to get any better, and she'll just become more dependent on you unless she can get a few good friends who can visit her regularly.

How's your mother's financial situation? If she's reasonably comfortable there's no reason she can't pay someone to come in once a week and give the house a good clean.

If your mother wants rid of the dog, you should probably get rid of it. Dog hair drives me mad, it gets everywhere. You can buy dogs that don't shed as much. I hate cats myself but they can be less work than dogs and are more independent.

Stop feeling guilty. You only have one life and something tells me after a 4 hour commute and loads of assignments, going home to mope around with your mother is not something you look forward to. You just need to put yourself first.

itsteatime

tenchi-fan wrote: »

It sounds like your mother is being increasingly socially isolated due to her condition. It's not going to get any better, and she'll just become more dependent on you unless she can get a few good friends who can visit her regularly.

She isolates herself! She always finds excuses not to go anywhere and I'm tired of trying to get her to talk to old friends or join a club but she won't have any of it. I hate to see her do this to herself because no only is it bad for her, but I feel like I can never move on with my life because of it.

We're not in a very good financial situation at all so realistically speaking, a cleaner is not an option. I suggested some home help through the social welfare as she is on invilidity, but she knocked that one down also.

I know getting rid of the dog would help somewhat but this has been happening for a very long time, not only in the past few months since we have him. If I ever do move out, he'll be coming with me and I'd probably get her something more managable. I don't want to have to give up my dog on top of everything else.

I'd love to just get on with my life and not have to worry as much but realistically, being an only child there isn't that option. There is no one else to share the burden. Its always down to me to fix everything, take care of her and go through the stress of when she is hospitalised (which hasn't happened in over a year thank god!) I feel awful for not being able to cope on my own but its just too hard. Another thing to feel guilty over is I just want someone to come and take care of me, instead of me being the carer.

itsteatime

Ps I can't 'thank' any posts yet cause this is a new account but thank you for your replies and suggestions!

confusticated

Do you have any aunts or uncles maybe, or friends or neighbours of your mam that might even drop in for a coffee or lunch with her? Even if they weren't helping with the housework (a relative might do that if you have anyone close), at least your mam would see someone else during the day and it might have her in better form and not ringing you in the library etc.

Also, you said you suggested home help...I know this can be a hard one to broach because people often don't want a stranger helping in their house, but maybe you need to say it to her as "I need this, I can't do everything and I don't want you tiring yourself out doing the housework" rather than "maybe we could do with a hand around the house". I don't know how you said it before, so this is just a suggestion.

Best of luck, fair play to you for managing this far.

itsteatime

Thank you confusticated!

Her family don't live near enough to be any sort of help I'm afraid! Mind you, she does have friends in the local area but she wouldn't socialise with them, just a chat as she's going about doing her own thing. She seems to be happy enough with her situation and that would be fine if it wasn't so demanding on me.

I'm usually quite good with dealing with the pressure as my best tactic is to ignore it and its fine! But with something as important as college... I messed it up the first time and don't want to do that again!

I'm going to have to seriously think of ways on how this can be done. You're right, I could phrase the question of getting a cleaner so that its a relief to me! When I broached it before, I did say it in a general sense.

Thanks again!

LegacyUser

You are 25 you should be living the life of a 25 year old. Going out with friends, boyfriends etc. You really need to get help from the social even if its a few days a week. Your mother will have to get over it, sorry to be blunt. When you are finished college you will be working full time, you shouldn't be putting up with this. You are an independant person you don't need to say when you will be home. I am assuming that your mother makes her own meals and just leaves the place a bit untidy. She'll have good days and bad days but if all you hear are bad days then try to get her to be less negative.

I am with those about getting rid of the dog, it obviously upsets your mother and if you are a pet lover you can be, just not now when you say yourself you are meant to be doing college work instead of playing with the dog. The crucial part of it is, does she want a pet?

You could do without the phones calls when in the library and maybe you need better time management, you could view it as a work skill. She seems to be dependant on you some of the time, I would let her do as much as she can do (without her then telling you that this tired her out and moaning about it), don't feel guilty about going out with friends when you can. If you are working see if you can get the carers benefit from the Revenue, but you need to get on to the social to help you out if possible.

Neyite

My sympathies OP, while it was quite different from your situation, my mother went a bit "helpless" after my father died, and by default I was the nearest child to hlep. The rest all live abroad and were very vocal in expressing how often they felt mam should have someone around (ie me) they soon shut up when I told them they had a choice of moving back to Ireland themselves, or I could quit my job and look after an able-bodied woman myself as long as they split my salary loss between them to compensate.

My mother got very loney and needy, but I had to stay firm, and establish boundaries. She finally got bored and joined up a few hobbies and groups and got herself out there again, but if I jumped every time she had a whinge, years on I would have no life for myself and neither would she.

For you I would suggest that you make up a study plan - after lectures use the library because quite plainy you cannot study at home.
(and be blunt when you tell her this) Draw up your study timetable and put it up in the kitchen so she can see when you are expected back or not, and switch your phone off in the library. In times like these there should be a neighbour that she can ring if its an emergency.

I am assuming that your mother is like mine in that she dreams up all these big jobs around the house that she "has" to get done - so make a slot on your timetable for these requests, for instance on Sundays between 9 and 3, and anytime she wants something done, thats where it goes. Any other time, its study time for you. An hour a day for housework outside of this on your timetable is more than ample time to clean up after 2 adults.

Regarding the dog - it sounds like she is using the dog to have a go at you and a moan. Do the decent thing and give it to a good home. I got my mother a pet too and never heard the end of it. The expense of it, having to mind it, having to feed it, etc so I just told her to find it a good home which she did. 2 years on, she still gives out about that pet. :rolleyes: I think that even if I got her a basic goldfish she would still give out about all the "work" involved in keeping it.

I dont mean to be harsh, but you do need to develop a thicker skin. Ignore it if she seems annoyed, or sulks. Go out on nights out, and dont let her moods manipulate you. You are entitled to a life, and a social life. Your mother, frankly, is an adult. Yes she is ill, but it is up to her to manage her illness. And it is up to her to be a recluse or not. It is not up to her to insist that you join her in her life choices.

I love my mother dearly, but I could not let her dictate my life - especially since she could have about 30 -40 years in her yet. Neither should you.

itsteatime

Wow, thank you Neyite!

I think you're right, the only way I'm going to be able to do something about this is if I'm firm and just tell her like it is. Habbit of a lifetime to break but I really can't see myself going much further in college if this continues!

The study plan and chore slots are a brilliant idea! Definitely going to try that! Regarding the dog, I think if push came to shove, she wouldn't want to get rid of him! She gets great enjoyment out of him too, she just likes to moan about him more. I think she just likes moaning, which would be fine if there was someone else here to listen to her but... you get the drift! :P

Also I'd say if it were a completely different situation (aka where i could actually AFFORD to move out!) but for the moment, I'll try it like you suggested!

Thank you so much!

LegacyUser

itsteatime wrote: »

This is going to be a really long one and done anon, so please bare with me.

I'm in my mid twenties and still live at home with my Mam. Parents split up when I was young and I'm her only child. My Dad, who I stay in regular contact with, married again and had two more children.

My Mam was diagnosed with emphysema a few years ago and since then it has changed our lives dramatically. A lot has been left up to me - housework wise and caring for her as she gets sick a lot. She had to leave her job because of her condition and she is confined to the house most days. She still tries to take on too much around the house, its like she goes about like she was pre-diagnosis. It leaves her worn out and then she does nothing but complain about it to me. I give out to her saying she shouldn't be doing it but she always fires back that there is no one else to do it. I try my best to help out as much as I can but its just never enough. The house just never seems clean and she's always going on about it - putting more pressure on me to do something about it.

I've started back college this year as a mature student (I'm in my mid twenties), and the stress of adjusting to the workload, the daily commute of 4 hours and then coming home to listen to her moan constantly about either how sick she is or the state of the place is really getting to me.

Now don't get me wrong, we've a great relationship and get on well most of the time. However I have so much responsibility and I'm not prepared or able for it. My college work is really suffering because I'm constantly putting her before anything else.

To make matters worse we got a dog a few months ago. I thought that it would do her the world of good, i.e companionship for her when I'm at college and maybe get her out of the house a bit more, weather and health permitting. However all this has done is add more pressure. She obviously loves the dog but she keeps saying she's not able for him. Add that and he's a dog that just constantly sheds his hair because he's a house dog so the place is in even worse condition! Plus because the dog is mine, he's really attached to me so when I'm out of the house he's just moping around and my Mam goes out of her way to play with him.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm so so grateful for that! Truely. But to have to listen to her every time I walk back in the door about how lonely the dog was, how tired she is from looking after him and then the mess that he has made.... and if she's sick, how horrible she's feeling and that all she wanted to do was to stay in bed all day... I'm actually going out of my f**king mind!!!

I want nothing more to say 'f**k it' and move out, however my guilt complex and bad financial situation won't allow it. As I stated earlier, I'm an only child and its my responsibility.

Take for example today. The both of us have been sick for the past week and I missed an assignment because I was unable to do it. I rang the college department in question and they said that there was absolutely no problem, that to do it over the weekend and hand it in on Tuesday with a sick note. Happy days!

But because I was still sick, I was only able to get to the library for the necessary books for the paper on Sunday. Due to the commute and the task involved, I was gone about 6 hours. I didn't get any work done in the library either because my Mam was ringing me asking me when I'd be home. So off home I went and naturally I had to listen to her about her day and how put out she was that she had to look after the dog. By the time I did that, had my dinner, cleaned the place up and played with the dog I was exhausted.

Then this morning I woke up early to do my assignment and during breakfast my Mam was asking me to do a load of stuff in the house. I explained to her that I have too much to do and that she KNOWS this and to stop asking me to do things around the house when she knows I have a deadline. She is constantly doing this, always asking at the worst time.

So she said that was ok but I could tell by her that she was pissed off. She was acting very cool towards me. I snapped and started on the tasks that she asked me to do in the first place, in the f**king horrors because I ALWAYS give in. In the horrors because the same thing will happen again, I'll be up at 4am still finishing this damn assignment.
I paused for a moment and she says that 'it doesn't need to be done today' and I freaked. We had a huge argument and she basically said that I wasn't going to turn all of this around on her and make her feel guilty for it. It wasn't her fault. Treating me like a child in the process, that 'I was to do my assignment and leave it.'

But the fact is that I resent her condition and her increasing dependancy on me. It was hard enough when she was diagnosed to cope with it but now its just impossible. I come home every day straight from college to help her with the dog and for the company, if I don't and I'm in the library, she gives out to me and gives me a guilt trip like any mammy would. I have no social life in college because of it, no friends. Friends I knew from previous jobs and my last college I never get to see because I'm always at home. I feel like a hermit. I'm made feel guilty for having a social life when I do go out.

I've talked to her about it on previous occasions and she says that its just my interpretation of it and that she doesn't mind if I'm out but when it happens, its clear that it does bother her. I've told her that I'm finding it very hard to cope and she is always there to listen to me and say the right thing and it might improve for a while, but we always end up back in the same place.

I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of the constant pressure. This is my last chance to make a better life for the both of us by getting great job but I know if I keep on with the way things are going, I'm going to fail my degree. She actually said to me today 'so when will you be finished your assignments?', as if this one was the last one and I could go back to doing everything again and I told her that I still have half of the first batch to do and after that, there will be another batch and then exams before Christmas. After January? Repeat this process again. Not impressed is a phrase that is putting it mildly.

I'm at a loss at what to do. If any of you have any sort of suggestions I would be grateful.

Thanks
x

hi there op , listen up , your mom is giving you the guilt trip and despite her ill health is being plain selfish , our twenties are a very important time in our lives , its when we come into our own and make things happen for ourselves , it is wrong of your mom to hold you back and mark my words , if your moms guilt tripping should cause you to miss our on opportunitys , you yourself will become bitter and blame her for it someday and then neither of you will be happy , you have been selfless for long enough but being selfless all the time is never a good thing , time to start putting yourself first

Zen65

Neyite wrote: »

You are entitled to a life, and a social life. Your mother, frankly, is an adult. Yes she is ill, but it is up to her to manage her illness. And it is up to her to be a recluse or not. It is not up to her to insist that you join her in her life choices.

Neyite sums it up wonderfully with these words. I have also had the experience of the "poor, needy, ill widow" mother always (for almost 30 years) looking for attention and finding chores to do, but I was fortunate enough to have come from a larger family where we siblings could give each other support. However in the end it comes down to the same thing; boundaries need to be set and respected.

That also requires that you respect your own limitations and stop putting pressure on yourself to be always available to her. In your posts here it seems at times that you interpret everything your mother says as being a criticism of you, or as being a problem for you to solve, whereas in reality at times she probably just wants a little moan and for you to reassure her. Though it may seem otherwise, you mother very likely does not really want you to curtail your own life in order to care for her. Some of the guilt you feel is the result of her trying to ensure you don't leave her, but probably about 50% of the guilt is of your own making, and you can choose to drop that guilt and pay more attention to yourself.

As for getting Home Help from the HSE, don't accept "no" from her. The reality is that you need to have the help, so make whatever arrangements are available and tell your mother that she will have to accept it in order to allow you to spend enough time on your studies. She may feel better about accepting the help if she believes she is doing it for you.

There is nothing so tragic as a life wasted, and unless you take assertive action to manage your mother's demands in a way that leaves you ample opportunity to experience a full life yourself you may wake up one day in your late forties and realise that life has passed you by. Where then will you find a daughter or relative to care for you as you enter old age? The realisation that your life has been stolen from you can drive a bitter wedge between you and your mother, which would simply compound the waste - you devote your life to her and yet the two of you end up on bad terms!! It doesn't have to be like that, but to change your destiny requires you to make the change happen.

Be at peace,


Z

qwertytlk

Oh god love you hun, that is an awful situation.
I know you said your mam wasnt open to the idea of home help or some sort of a nurse but perhaps you could broach the subject with her again and demand that you get someone in because you literally cannot cope anymore oon your own. If she disagrees then ,aybe you should be blunt with her and ask he would she rather you moved out because if somethig doesnt change thats what you will have to do.

I understand she is sick but it seems to me what is happening here is that you resent the situation you have been put in-which is basically being a full time carer to an ill person and she probably resents the fact that she has to dependant on you as she cant cope alone.
I know your financial situation isnt great but at a push im sure you could afford a cleaner for 2-3 hours per week. My mam lives in the country and she has a girl cleaning her house for 8euro per hour. If you got someone for that price it would only be 24euro per week and at least you could get them to get all the big jobs done so you and your mother (obviously to a lesser extent) could do the every day things like the dishes and washing clothes etc. I think even these small changes would take alot of pressure off you.
The next thing i would suggest is if you could get any family members / friends to drop in on your mam a few times a week for an hour or so. Even for a cup of tea. It would give her someone else to talk to, a bit of change in her day and maybe even something to look forward to.
Also maybe a trip to the family gp would do some good, as im sure if you explained your circumstances they would be able to advise you on some extra support service you/your mam could avail of. Or the social welfare/community welfare officer or public health nurse may be able to offer some help on this front also.

You clearly cant go on like this or i fear you would be heading for a complete breakdown. One of the reasons youve probably been sick is because your run down and totally exhausted. You need to be firm with your mam and make her see how truly difficult and stressful this is for you. You need to focus on youe school work also.
Obviously something needs to change so i hope something myself or someone else has suggested may be of some help.

Best of luck with it all and i really hope things start looking up for you soon. Take care x

p.s i dont know where your located but alot of areas now have voluntary family support agencys who will come to the homes of those in need, i.e single mothers, the elderly or the ill, and give a hand with some light house work, have a chat or basically anything (within reason) that they can help with. So it may be an idea to look into seeing if there is one in your area. Frankly if your mother doesnt agree, at this stage i would tell her either its happening or the work wont get done as she is not your only commitment, and you need some form of social life too.

shinikins

I know you say your tired of the fighting OP, but I get the feeling that its not really arguments your having with your mother, rather that she moans and you give in. Perhaps a full scale argument will clear the air, as you will get what you need to say out in the open and she will see where your coming from. Giving in to her all the time is doing neither of you any favours.

My own mother has been ill for some time, she sank into depression and denial and was a terror to live with. Everything resulted in her sniping and snarling, sulking when she didn't get her way, doors were slammed, she would act like we were invisible. We tried doing what she wanted to placate her, tiptoed around her for fear of her getting in a bad mood, finally I had enough. She went too far one day, and I erupted. She says now that it was one of the things that ended up helping her, she wasn't entirely aware of how she was treating myself and my father, and as we didn't tell her she just continued on as she had been.

Regarding the dog, don't get rid of it, especially if she enjoys having it around. If the dog creates dust in the house, well, it takes ten minutes to hoover a room. If its a long haired breed then get it clipped, it lives indoors anyway, so the cold weather won't be a problem. Cleaning the house can't be that big of a job, do a little each day, clean as you go along and you won't notice the big jobs, cook a large meal and freeze portions to make things easier for days that you don't have the time to prepare something from scratch.

Ask relatives and neighbours to drop by, she sounds socially isolated and relys on you completely for company, which could be a major factor in your problems. Definitely do as Neyite suggested and set up a study rota, you need to be clear to her about when you are available, but do the decent thing and come home when you say you will. If you suddenly decide to go off and enjoy your freedom for an hour longer than you said you were, she could be very hurt by your perceived betrayal. Break her in gently, she's gotten used to you being at her beck and call.