Won't say "Daddy"

LegacyUser

I'm a single dad and I've my daughter every second weekend.

Her mum and grandmother---who alternate pickups/dropoffs---won't say "Daddy".

They say "Say hello" or "Say goodbye." And that's it.

It breaks my heart because I wonder what effect that has on my daughter. She's 3.

She says "Daddy" a fair bit when she's alone with me and my family. But when they're around she's fairly withdrawn. And this is going to be used against me in court, as if I am a bad parent.

I asked them to say "daddy" to simply give our loved one a feeling of unity, and to build a bridge. They refused.

It's hurting me alot writing this. I' cry thinking how they plan to alienate my child from me. I hope our love transcends their childish bullsh1t, but she is around them a lot more than around me. Who know what kind of impact their negativity will have on my girl?

I'm posting this because I'm so sad and scared and frustrated and agry about it. What do I do??? Is there anything I can do??

Distorted

SinglePapa wrote: »

I'm posting this because I'm so sad and scared and frustrated and agry about it. What do I do??? Is there anything I can do??

I'm not aware of any way you can force people to use the words you would like to come out of their mouths. As you haven't suffered any quantifiable loss, I don't see how you could sue for it either. But I think you must know this and this is probably more to do with you and how you perceive yourself as a victim of the behaviour of other people.

I would guess that they don't use the "daddy" word because the mother's aim is to move on with her life and meet someone one day who will live with her and fulfill the role of the "daddy" and not confuse the child by labelling you thus. Or perhaps she sees a "daddy" figure as someone who lives with the family and is involved in all day to day childcare. Its quite a cosy word which implies a lot of other nuances of meaning alongside it.

I would think it healthier to get away from fixating over one word and simply act as best you can in the circumstances, which will always give a better impression of you in court anyway.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I'm not aware of any way you can force people to use the words you would like to come out of their mouths. As you haven't suffered any quantifiable loss, I don't see how you could sue for it either. But I think you must know this and this is probably more to do with you and how you perceive yourself as a victim of the behaviour of other people.

I would guess that they don't use the "daddy" word because the mother's aim is to move on with her life and meet someone one day who will live with her and fulfill the role of the "daddy" and not confuse the child by labelling you thus. Or perhaps she sees a "daddy" figure as someone who lives with the family and is involved in all day to day childcare. Its quite a cosy word which implies a lot of other nuances of meaning alongside it.

I would think it healthier to get away from fixating over one word and simply act as best you can in the circumstances, which will always give a better impression of you in court anyway.

I perceive my daughter as a victim of their behaviour. It won't be long before she realises their utter contempt for me, and being around them will only serve to encourage the same contempt in her. It's awful.

Acting as best I can is another way of saying "make do". Which I do. I don't fear any consequences for myself. I worry about my daughter--about her being turned against me, made to feel like her daddy's not good enough. It terrifies me.

Do you say "say hello mammy" and "say hello granny"?

I do understand why you feel the way you do, but it's not a huge manipulation on her part to not say daddy, it's more just bitterness and not wanting to help you out. Unless she's actively telling your child not to say daddy, I'd leave her to her childishness.

You can do something about it though. You can be the one to say Daddy. When you're carrying her, if you pass a mirror, you can turn around to it and say "Look! That's you! There's <her name> and there's daddy!", or when she first arrives you can say "say hello Daddy!". She can pick it up without needing to get her mother and grandmother to say it.

LegacyUser

Well I don't think there is too much of a problem here, your daughter says Daddy to you now. I don't think it matters that your ex refuses to say Daddy while in your presence. After all you have visitation rights and sooner or later your daughter is going to wonder why she is visiting this man at weekends. And if your daughter asks your ex, she can only say that you are her real father.

It smacks of mind games between ex's to be honest, but in the end if you are the best father you can be while seeing your daughter then it will be up to your daughter to decide if you are a good father or not, despite what your ex might have to say about it. It will only be when she is older that she will make her own decision about you, and I think you are thinking of the worst case senario far too early.

It would be a quite cruel mother to deny and talk ill about her ex to a child, and if that's the case then you are lucky to be out of a relationship with that kind of person. I think you'll be fine, good luck with everything.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it doesn't necessarily follow that you daughter will pick up on their attitude towards you, and mimic it.

Regardless of most things, children tend to love and be protective of their parents.

Once you teach her to love and respect you and others, and you also teach her what sort of behaviour you will accept from her, you should be ok.

She will only ever have 2 parents. And she can love both equally. Even though you don't have AS MUCH of an input as your ex does, you still have an influence on her and the type of person she will become.

Carry on as best you can. Don't get into a battle of wills with her mother. Show your daughter what sort of a dad you are and always talk to her about everything, and nothing. If you talk to her about things that don't matter, she will come to you about things that do.

The Corinthian

Distorted wrote: »

I'm not aware of any way you can force people to use the words you would like to come out of their mouths. As you haven't suffered any quantifiable loss, I don't see how you could sue for it either. But I think you must know this and this is probably more to do with you and how you perceive yourself as a victim of the behaviour of other people.

Actually he's perfectly entitled to perceive himself, and his daughter, as a victim because his ex is actively thwarting his relationship with his daughter. In effect she and her mother have forbidden her that she should call him 'daddy' which is frankly an abusive strategy on the child, let alone the father.

What she is doing is practising parental alienation and this can have long term negative consequences on the mental well-being of the child as it is in effect engineering a false parental rejection.

The law, being what it is in Ireland, there's probably little that can be done about it. At best, if the child is old enough, he can privately tell her that it's all right not to call him 'daddy' when her mother/grandmother are about and that he will understand and it is not her fault, but when they're not around, she should call him 'daddy' because that is who he is and that will never change. He should not frame it in any way that vilifies the mother however.

Eventually his daughter will grow older and likely figure things out on her own and she won't thank her mother for it.

Beruthiel

SinglePapa wrote: »

I asked them to say "daddy" to simply give our loved one a feeling of unity, and to build a bridge. They refused.

I despise people who use an innocent child as a weapon, it's a juvenile, petty way to behave. Your daughter will eventually be old enough to see that for what it is.

In the mean time, show her all the love you can when you are with her. By that, I do not mean spoil her.
While with you teach her how to be a good person. If you put your all into your relationship with her, it will not go unnoticed by her.
Best of luck.

ABajaninCork

Distorted wrote: »

I would guess that they don't use the "daddy" word because the mother's aim is to move on with her life and meet someone one day who will live with her and fulfill the role of the "daddy" and not confuse the child by labelling you thus. Or perhaps she sees a "daddy" figure as someone who lives with the family and is involved in all day to day childcare. Its quite a cosy word which implies a lot of other nuances of meaning alongside it.

If that's what's in the mother's mind, then she's a very silly woman. Doesn't credit the child with much intelligence either. Of course the little one knows who her Daddy is, and no amount of airbrushing from her mother will change that.

qwertytlk

Sorry to hear aboyt your situation,
i just dont understand people who do this type of thing. Obviously she is doing it to try and hurt you, but doesnt she realise in the long run all she will succeed in doing is hurting her own child and confusing her.

I agree with previous posters, in that unfortunalty there probably isnt alot you can do. Other than love and suppport your daughter in any way you can. And even though it may be hard, dont give into the silly games your ex is paying. And obviously never bad mouth your ex to your daughter (which im sure you wouldnt anyway).
Or if its any way possible could you try and talk to your ex about it? I mean, has she given you a reason for not letting your daughter call you daddy?

Best of luck with it all and i really hope that silly woman comes to her senses and stops playing these hurtful and damaging games with you and you daughter

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think they don't allow her to call him "daddy", it's just that THEY don't call him "daddy". They may just feel odd calling a grown man, who's not their father, "daddy"!

Also, thinking that she is "withdrawn" when they are around might not necessarily be because of anything specific. It might just be a general thing that she doesn't know how to handle being in the company of both sides if her family at the same time.

I'd just reiterate, if you do your best by your child, she will eventually form her own opinions.

The Corinthian

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't think they don't allow her to call him "daddy", it's just that THEY don't call him "daddy". They may just feel odd calling a grown man, who's not their father, "daddy"!

According to the OP, his daughter has no problem calling him 'daddy' when his ex and her mother are not present. However, she does when they are.

This certainly points to his ex and her mother having at least made it known to her that they disprove of her calling him 'daddy', if not outright forbidden it.

Based on what the OP has said, I would welcome a more plausible cause for such behaviour, but I don't really think there is.

OUTOFSYNC

To the OP

Do you have Guardianship - If not I suggest you get it.

Can you ask for midweek access ? The more your daughter sees you the better for her.

You have to fight for your daughter now.

If her mother is manipulating your daughter - its a form of abuse.

ennis81

Heart goes out to you:( Like another poster said try and get more access to your daughter, As a single parent myself all i can advise is to Be the BEST father you can be, your daughter will always love you and will have her own opinion of you and nothing the mother or grandmother can say or do will change that.
You only get ONE Daddy in life and you are hers hun, don't let it get to you, kids don't stay young forever and in time things will get easier