Girlfriend's housemate manipulating her

LegacyUser

Looking for a bit of advice on this one ...

I've been going out with my girlfriend for a few months and she moved into a share house a last month with a guy and girl that she didn't know. So about a week after she moved in the main guy in the house (who holds the lease) sent her a text that said:

"Hey gorgeous. Are you out and about tonight. I'm up for a bit of a drinking session and don't have any friends to play with If you feel like a beverage with your loser house mate, let me know!"

She sent this text on to me for an opinion and obviously I thought this guy wants to jump her bones, so I asked her to be cautious (as she doesn't know him) and I didn't want her going back to a random plastered man's house. She stayed the night with me anyways. He knew about 'me' at this stage.

So fast forward on a few weeks and on Friday night I went out with some friends. My girlfriend was at home with him and apparently he was questioning 'our relationship' in a very big way. He basically implied that I couldn't be that interested in her because I'm never out there (she spends most of her time in mine) ... and 'where was I tonight' for example. He also showered her with compliments saying he thought she was beautiful, intelligent and sexy. I can't remember the full details of the conversation but he basically made his intentions very clear to her and did his best to put me a bad light. I've only met this guy once for two minutes.

He was planning to host a party on the Saturday and he specifically asked my girlfriend to invite me. So my girlfriend text me on the Friday night and wanted to know if I was coming as she was inviting some of her friends. At that stage I was pretty drunk, had lost my bag was completely saturated from being caught in the rain and decided to call her the next morning, which I did. I didn't know anything of their conversation at this point but she texted me the next day and said "he'd made his intentions clear to her".

Long story short, I didn't turn up to the party that started at 2pm because I was very hungover, had to collect my bag from the bar which I left it and also didn't want to go to 'his' party i.e be a guest in 'his' world. I spoke to my girlfriend a few times during the day to let her know what was going on but these were short conversations. I met a somewhat angry girlfriend on Saturday night and the fact that I didn't turn up on Saturday basically re-enforced his conversation with her from Friday. He definitely got inside her head, by her own admission.

After I heard the details of what he said to her on Friday I was furious ... I wanted to call him up there and then to give out ****e to him and tell him to mind his own ****ing business. But obviously my g/f wouldn't let me do this.

So what do I do? My girlfriend reckon she's pegged him now and just won't discuss anything relating to 'us' around him. I don't think this guy will get the message and will keep trying. He's highly manipulative, uncaring and I feel quite threatened by him.

I'm leaving her for xmas for a few weeks and she's staying in her house, where he'll obviously be. I don't want this guy skulking around our relationship waiting for any type of crack to appear so he can try to be with her but I'm trying as hard as I can be to be rational about this.

What do you think?

Ickle Magoo

I think you should be very careful that your insecurity doesn't lead to you creating just those cracks you are so worried about.

She says she has him pegged - you either trust her or you don't...and while you may not trust him, suggesting she's some weak-willed or pathetic creature likely to fall for his wiles the minute you're not on the scene is likely to be considered a massive insult.

Tell her you feel threatened and angry at what he's doing but really, you have to trust that your relationship is stronger than the patter this guy is throwing around - and trust that your girlfriend has the sense not to fall for it...& TBH if she did, I'd consider yourself well rid...

All the best.

Greaney

I'm going to assume your girlfriend's a smart girl and not discuss her relationship with him as she's said. This chap want's what he can't have, doesn't respect relationships and makes moves on unavailable women. Most women cop that these kind of men are not to be trusted as boyfriends (unless they're very naive and need attention and heaps of compliments).

Also, if any girl did go out with a lad in this situation... she'd be living with her boyfriend from the word go!!! He's bleedin' lazy chasing a lass who lives in the room beside him rather than 'getting out there'. I wish I had your gf's sense when I was her age...

Taltos

Um - why is your girlfriend having these conversations with him?
Why not just turn around and say "get lost my relationship is none of your business!"

There really is nothing you can do here - any reaction from you will play straight into his hands. Just keep letting your GF know you are mad about her - but next time she brings this up I think it would be fair to ask why she is discussing your private relationship with a stranger who is clearly keen on her instead of with you?

dudara

She says that she's got him pegged - so either you trust her now or you don't.

It really is as simple as that. You shouldn't be wasting any attention on this guy. The fact that you are focussing on him makes me wonder if you are in some way insecure/worried about you relationship.

Firetrap

You're going to have to trust your girlfriend on this one. I'm also wondering why she hasn't thought about moving out. It can't be pleasant for her to be living in a house with a guy who's clearly in pursuit of her.

Who Knows?

I would ask her to move house. Is sound like a threat, she enjoys the attention. Don't sit on the sidelines and allow this guy take your girl. You gotta change some of the components to change their behaviours. First, she gotta get out of the environment and he can't think he can just text her when she likes.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you've blown this up hugely.

You only didn't go to the party because it was "his" party? Bit of a childish reaction. He might be a chancer who wants to get off with her OR he may actually be a nice fella who has the impression that you don't treat her very nicely, because you never call to hers, you always get her to call to yours.

Stop focusing so much on him. Your gf needs to stop discussing things she's not comfortable with, (or is she?) and then passing every detail on to you.

Go to the house. Meet up with him. You never know, you could end up mates! But if you want to see something in him, without ever meeting him (once for 2 mins doesn't count!) then you will see it. Whether it's there or not. Same way as he may have made his mind up about you being a crap boyfriend without knowing you, too!

My opinion... you and your gf are making an issue out of very little.

amdublin

Okay so it is obvious how you are feeling...

But how is she feeling?

I find it strange that she is telling you everything going on rather than just telling him to get stuffed.

Distorted

The anonymous wrote: »

I've been going out with my girlfriend for a few months and she moved into a share house a last month with a guy and girl that she didn't know. So about a week after she moved in the main guy in the house (who holds the lease) sent her a text that said:

"Hey gorgeous. Are you out and about tonight. I'm up for a bit of a drinking session and don't have any friends to play with If you feel like a beverage with your loser house mate, let me know!"

Perfectly normal. Perfectly normal to go out with your new housemates and get texts from them.

The anonymous wrote: »

so I asked her to be cautious (as she doesn't know him)

Cautious about what? She shares a house with him!

The anonymous wrote: »

couldn't be that interested in her because I'm never out there (she spends most of her time in mine) ... and 'where was I tonight' for example.

I've only met this guy once for two minutes.

Kind of has a point, doesn't he?

The anonymous wrote: »

So my girlfriend text me on the Friday night and wanted to know if I was coming as she was inviting some of her friends. At that stage I was pretty drunk, had lost my bag was completely saturated from being caught in the rain and decided to call her the next morning, which I did.

Long story short, I didn't turn up to the party that started at 2pm because I was very hungover, had to collect my bag from the bar which I left it and also didn't want to go to 'his' party i.e be a guest in 'his' world.

I really wouldn't be happy with a boyfriend behaving like that. And sorry, but how unfriendly and anti-social are you?

The anonymous wrote: »

I'm leaving her for xmas for a few weeks and she's staying in her house, where he'll obviously be. I don't want this guy skulking around our relationship waiting for any type of crack to appear so he can try to be with her but I'm trying as hard as I can be to be rational about this.

Why on earth do you have to turn this into some sort of contest? Wouldn't it just be easier to get on with people (you haven't really given these housemates a chance)? Yes, she has only been living with them a short while but you've only been going out with her a few months. Do you really expect to monitor her conversations with her housemates remotely, or her to move house every time you decided you don't like her housemates? What if you don't like the next set of housemates either? Is she to move into a nunnery?

And to be honest, you need to put more effort into being a better boyfriend and less of the jealous controlling one. Not turning up to parties, expecting her to do all the running round to yours all the time, not replying to texts til morning, losing your belongings, creating arguments with her housemates are all deeply annoying traits in another person.

Zen65

Distorted wrote: »

And to be honest, you need to put more effort into being a better boyfriend and less of the jealous controlling one. Not turning up to parties, expecting her to do all the running round to yours all the time, not replying to texts til morning, losing your belongings, creating arguments with her housemates are all deeply annoying traits in another person.

+1 to this.

Reading your post I think you come across as a very inconsiderate and lazy boyfriend, and I suspect your girlfriend may feel there is some truth to what the housemate is saying. Rather than focus your energies worrying about him, perhaps you should think a little more about how well you have been treating your girlfriend, and be prepared to be a little more supportive of her.

Be at peace,

Z

qwerty13

Zen65 wrote: »

+1 to this.

Reading your post I think you come across as a very inconsiderate and lazy boyfriend, and I suspect your girlfriend may feel there is some truth to what the housemate is saying. Rather than focus your energies worrying about him, perhaps you should think a little more about how well you have been treating your girlfriend, and be prepared to be a little more supportive of her.

Be at peace,

Z

Do you think there is any chance that the things your GF is saying are actually her own thoughts on the relationship - but that saying that the housemate said them gives her a way of bringing them up, without having a massive confrontation with you about it?

Fentdog84

I do think you should meet him or go to one of ''his'' parties and try and make your own assesment of him because you are only going on what your girlfriend is telling you so far. If he his saying things to your gf about your relationship he's totally out of order, but, there could be more to this than meets the eye, like perhaps your gf is bitching about your relationship to him? Perhaps your gf is overdramatizing things, to annoy you,or because she is unhappy with your relationship? Im not saying this is the case but there is always different possibilies.
To be quite honest you would be better focusing on your relationship than this guy but if your gut senses something isnt quite right, you should call round there and meet him, being friendly and polite and see what the dynamic is like between the two of them. And if needs be, pull him aside for a quiet word, ask a few questions and make sure things are crystal clear for him.

fungun

He is not manipulating her, he is manipulating you through her. And his plan is working.

gerryk

You can't just freak out at every encounter she has with another male. You have to trust her, and assuming your relationship is strong, there should be no problem.

Alopex

Big mistake not going to that party.

He now has her onside and she has someone to rant to.

He sounds like a slimy prick but obviously she's not going to move out. As appalling as this sounds I'd say most productive solution is to have a beer with him. Don't be fake nice to him. Just be normal to him and speak your mind on any discussions. If he sees you're a normal guy he's had the craic with it will be more difficult for him to badmouth ye

Mighty_Mouse

Hey gorgeous. Are you out and about tonight

What kinda greaseball cracks onto their new female flatmate with
"gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent, sexy........."

Maybe take this as a sign to up your game & take better care of your gf?

Short-term insecure beats long-term lecherous.