scared, worried and confused.

LegacyUser

HI, so i'll cut to the point. I am currently undergoing CBT for sexual abuse that happened when i was younger. I am male and my male cousin was the offender. I find this work extremley tough, dragging up memories that i buried for so long etc top it off with the pressure i'm under as i'm in my final college year.
I think I'm dealing pretty well with it for now, but something that is on my mind alot this week, and really has me worried, is that the councilor has been 'urging' me to report the offender.
This is all well and good in theory that justice could be done, but the harm it will bring my family just cancels out all of it. I have never told anyone except the councilor, everyone thinks i'm fine etc. If this were to come to light I know it would cause severe 'awkardness' for me and i'm not ready for that yet, as well as the mentioned damage to my family.
So basically i'm wondering, do I have to file a report on him or can i just concentrate on fixing myself and putting this 'crap' behind me and moving on with my life.

PS. the counciller put it in a way, that if he was still abusing and I did'nt do anything, I would be letting people down. Sort of guilt trip i didnt need at this time.

username123

Hi OP - so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and that you are going through a difficult time with it right now.

No - you dont HAVE to report anything.

I would advise you to have a think about maybe reporting this at some stage though. You dont need to feel guilty about anything. You havent done anything wrong, and its not your job to police the world of abusers. That said, if someone had reported this person before, perhaps you wouldnt have suffered. Dont take that as a guilt trip, its just a practical consideration. Part of the reasons that abusers get away with it and go on to continue abusing is the natural tendancy of the abused persons to just want to put things behind them and get on with their own lives. Its a totally understandable way to feel and dont feel bad for feeling that way. You may wish to report it further down the line when you yourself are feeling stronger and have dealt with it more.

As for the harm it would cause in the family - thats not your fault and dont ever feel you shouldnt be the one to blow the whistle.

Its clear you are not ready to do anything re reporting it right now. Thats ok. Its interesting that you say that no one knows, that would make me wonder if the same thing has happened to other cousins/siblings - and no one knows. If one person came forward would it suddenly mean a slew of people would come forward?

I do believe its 'better' for this type of thing to be reported, but I also understand that if the person is not ready to report it, that thats ok as well. You have to look after you first and foremost. Maybe with time you will feel more able to report it.

Good luck with your counselling.

anongirl123

Hi OP I am in the same situation as you except I am female. I have been in counselling for a year now.
I have been pressured to report but the same as you I know it will cause chaos in my family. I know everybody says it but I will definitely not be believed by most of my relatives. My immediate family does know about it though. I feel I want to confront him at some stage .

I see him around all the time and see how great his life and it angers me that I am left suffering and cant do anything about it. I know that if I bring it up me and my family will be exiled from the rest. Plus if I report him to the gaurds I know they wont be able to do anything as he was young at the time aswel and it was so many years ago. It would be his word against mine.

Report him when you feel ready to and in your own time. I am glad you are dealing with it well and hope someday I can too.

An Bhanríon

Haven't been in your situation but know people who have. Reporting is a very big step and can have lots of consequences for lots of people. You have thought about the consequences and, if I am reading your post right, you don't think it would be a good idea right now. That's your decision, so, and I'm not sure it is any of your counsellor's business to influence that decision. Perhaps in the future you will decide to report when you are stronger and when you have told some of your family about the situation (if you ever decide to do that). In a perfect world everybody would just go and report. But the world isn't perfect and people have lots of reasons not to report. Anybody with a heart will respect that decision.

Best of luck!

dRNk SAnTA

The damage to your family vs the damage that guy could have done / could still be doing to others.

Surely it's best that this guy isn't allowed to hurt anyone else? I'm sure most people would fully support you, you are only the victim, you shouldn't be afraid of doing the right thing.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I feel compelled to write to you and tell you how sorry I am. I also just wanted to warn you that if you do go to the Guards I hope you wont feel let down or disappointed. My sister was abused by a neighbour we called the Guards and they did investigate and raided his house etc but they didnt bring a case due to lack of other evidence so I can say with almost 100% certainty that your cousin will never be convicted of this, however maybe a Garda investigation would be sufficient to shake him. I think your counsellor is well meaning however do things in your own time, when you say it was years ago does that mean you were both young? I think you should tell your immediate family, let someone else share the burden, yes it will do damage but the truth will be out.