Male friend stopped eating??

LegacyUser

I'm 29, male. My friend is 28, male. We live in the same house share with two other lads.

We've been good friends since we met playing sport when I was 18. We're all part of the same group of lads until I had a tragic family bereavement [sibling suicide] when I was 23 which I found it very hard to deal with, and this one friend REALLY stood out from the rest.

The rest of the lads offered me a pat on the back, but this one friend went above and beyond anything. He'd arrive at my bedroom door with food and a drink that he bought in town even though he was totally broke at the time and he'd come sit with me in my room in silence for hours on end while I cried my eyes out. I'd have been totally embarrassed with anyone else but he was fully discreet about it, never told anyone and was always there if I needed to talk.

I consider him my best friend since.

The more I got to know him I realised that he wasn't as tough or hard as he pretended to be. He's extremely sensitive and can easily take offence or get upset by something that wasn't meant to offend.

He's become more estranged from the rest of the group in the past couple of years. We used to all drink quite a bit together at the weekends but he doesn't come anymore. (though I still see him all the time as I live with him)

I think the turning point was where a couple of the louder lads in the group decided to wind him up and jokingly slag him off a little as they realised he was extremely sensitive and couldn't handle it.

It really was only meant as fun and wasn't intended to be cruel but our friend took it more seriously than anyone realised and just stopped hanging out with the group. I stuck up for him, told them to leave him alone. But they didn't.

He's a very lean guy naturally, very physically fit, lives to play sport, probably underweight. Because he'd be the thinnest of the group, the lads thought it would be funny to jokingly tell him he was getting too heavy from all the beer at weekends and they would slag him saying he had a belly (which he definitely didn't).

Around the same time his girlfriend broke up with him and went back to her ex.

For the last two weeks we've been on holidays abroad in a hot sunny place. There was a gang of lads on the trip, but I was sharing an apartment with my friend.

I noticed pretty quickly that he just never seems to eat. I on the other hand eat a lot. Every time we were out sightseeing he'd make excuses around lunch time if I said I was hungry and he'd go rush off on his own to do something.

After a few days I was buying sausages and stuff and cooking in the apartment but he wouldn't eat any of it.

He was also very self conscious about being shirtless around the pool or at the beach and stuff.

Even though I live with him, it's like I had no idea about any of this because we come and go as we please and I've never really noticed before but when we got home I looked in his presses and his section in the fridge and he has absolutely no food in them.

I feel stupid for not noticing before but the more I think about it, the more I see just how shockingly thin he is now compared to how he used to be. His face looks really gaunt and I just never noticed.

We had too much to drink a few nights ago and he was more open, I asked him why he doesn't go out with the lads at weekends anymore and he said it was because they bullied him, and pointed out his weight. I never saw it as bullying, just typical guy slagging but being taken out on a fella who can't handle it. I told him he doesn't have weight, but he didn't comment.

It's like as soon as I've become aware of it I can't stop noticing that he's not eating. And I feel like I should be there for him in some manner.

He ate a handful of times on holidays in total. I was with him pretty much all of the time so I'm sure about this. After drinks on one of the nights we got fast food and he ate it probably because he was so drunk. Then we went back to the apartment and I while later I heard him being sick. I asked him in the morning and he blamed the drink, but he could always hold his drink really well over the years.

A few days later I managed to get him to eat out with the group and he disappeared off during the meal (at the end just before desert) to the toilet and when he came back his eyes were red and watery and I could tell by his face that he'd been sick. I couldn't say anything to him about it at the time but I tried to bring it up later that night when we were at the apartment but first he denied making himself sick and then he told me it was fine, he had it under control and I wasn't to tell anyone anything, which I never would.

On the journey home we talked about it a little more and he told me he wants to get to a weight that he's happy with and then he'll stick at that and he'll feel better about himself again. I tried to tell him he's not fat, etc but he just didn't believe me. He hasn't been with anyone since his ex and doesn't want to until his weight is in a place he's happy with.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do here is.

The irony here is he's by far the best looking out of any of the lads in the group. He has always been the one that gets all of the female attention. He's also not at all vain or full of himself. Even on holidays, he constantly had women checking him out and trying to chat him up but he just wasn't interested. He's had women ask him out since his ex left and he's just turned them down or not followed up on it. From what he's told me it's like his hobby now is keeping his weight down, but he's been doing all of this so privately. He can get away with it at home because nobody is keeping track of him all the time and I feel like an ass for not seeing how thin he's become.

I know women go through this sort of thing but what should I do for a male friend who would be too macho to ever talk to anyone about it? I can talk to him about it again, but I don't want to keep at him nagging as that won't get me anywhere.

Any advice?

username123

rockySure wrote: »

I'm not sure what the right thing to do here is.

Tell him, in a non confrontational way, that you think he is too thin and you are concerned that he is not eating properly, and/or may be heading for an eating disorder. Offer to support him if he wants to talk about it, and be totally non judgemental. Ask him if he is depressed about anything, is there anything he wants to get off his chest, if something is stressing him out. Dont go on and on at him, but give him a clear message that you are worried and willing to help. Remind him of how much of a help he was to you at a hard time in your life.

Then leave it for now. He may need to digest the info that the eating issue is becoming noticable to other people, and he may not yet be ready to talk or make changes.

The really important thing is not to be confrontational or judgemental, you dont want to frighten him off talking about it.

You sound like a good friend, just letting your friend know that you are there for him is a good step.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the reply. You've got some fantastic advice there. I'll definitely make use of it. I have no problem talking to him about it, I just know it's a sensitive matter and I don't want to push him on it so that he goes silent and refuses to discuss it.

I'd just really hate to see him having a problem and keeping it to himself because he helped me like no one else when I needed him and it's just not like him to have ever cared about his weight before so this is strange.

Thanks

Dwn Wth Vwls

http://www.eatingdisorders.ie
http://www.bodywhys.ie/

Lots of advice on those sites.

beks101

Hi rockySure,

Your post really moved me, both you and your friend sound like fantastic guys and you have a really special friendship.

All the symptoms of a classic eating disorder are visible here and I admire you in already bringing it up with him - from experience I know that EDs thrive on the secrecy they are enshrouded in and the silence that surrounds them. Especially male eating disorders - a total taboo with a very low level of awareness in the general population.

However, he needs professional help. Nothing you can ever say to him will make him think that he doesn't need to lose weight. And the 'getting to a weight he's happy with' is bullsh1t, more likely he'll get there and want to go lower, then lower again...EDs aren't about the weight, they're about coping and they're about control.

This really is a tricky one, but I would advise having a firm but gentle conversation with him in a private place where he feels safe and there's no fear of interruption. Maybe in your apartment when there's no-one else there. Just be honest with him, tell him he's one of your closest friends, you love him and are very worried about him. Don't criticise or get impatient or angry, just tell him you are aware there is a problem and that you're there for him if there's anything he needs to talk about. Ask him how he's dealing with his ex situation, is he feeling down, lonely, depressed?

Isolating himself from the group is a very clear warning sign - EDs prosper in isolation where social norms can be avoided (like eating, drinking etc) and exercising/calorie-obsessing can become, like you mentioned, like a new hobby. Express to him again the fact that the lads were slagging his weight precisely BECAUSE he's the opposite of fat and that's what makes it funny.

If it were me I'd probably tell him I was going for a general GP check-up and coax him into coming along. I'd also do a bit of research and arm myself with the contact numbers of some recognised professionals/psychologists who specialise in eating disorders and try to gently persuade him to set up an appointment. Stress how helpful and compassionate he was towards you in helping you through a dark place, and just make him aware that you know he is struggling and you won't be ignoring this.

Don't try to make him eat, don't criticise and don't hawk-eye his every move - these things might make him further shut himself off. Just let him know that you're there unconditionally.

Best of luck, I really hope your friend gets through this.

qwertytlk

Hi op,
fantastic advice has already been given in the two replieds above so i wont repeat it all again! But i just wanted to say that you both sound like really kind and decent people and your lucky to have each other as friends.
I know those with E.D's have a totally warped self image, so even though your friend is looking really thin and gaunt to you, when he looks in he mirror he probably see's something else completley. So if you can get through to him at all and tell him how thin he looks, and that the guys joke about him being fat was actually only funny because he is thin! Basically just try your best to get him to let you in... And i think the fact that your so close, you may be the only one that he will let in as he clearly trusts you.
Best of luck and i really hope you can get your friend to see sense and get some help.