Situation With Girlfriend

LegacyUser

Need some advice on this one, I am torn. Ive been with my girlfriend for 2 years, we get on great and everything between us is also great. It was up until the other night. We had a huge row the worst we have ever had. It escalated and we both said a lot of things we really shouldnt have ever said. I will admit I took I said a lot of hurtful things i really didnt mean and as i calmed down i regretted them. My girlfriend was visibly upset as she left the house, i was also upset but didnt text her to apologise or reconcile.

I have just found out soon after this episode with me she went out with her friends and kissed some bloke in a nightclub? I dont know what to think or what to do?? Am I responsible for this?

Chinafoot

Brian6556 wrote: »

Need some advice on this one, I am torn. Ive been with my girlfriend for 2 years, we get on great and everything between us is also great. It was up until the other night. We had a huge row the worst we have ever had. It escalated and we both said a lot of things we really shouldnt have ever said. I will admit I took I said a lot of hurtful things i really didnt mean and as i calmed down i regretted them. My girlfriend was visibly upset as she left the house, i was also upset but didnt text her to apologise or reconcile.

I have just found out soon after this episode with me she went out with her friends and kissed some bloke in a nightclub? I dont know what to think or what to do?? Am I responsible for this?

Well was she under the impression that your relationship was over? Had you spoken to her at all between the row and the kissing? Have you spoken to her since the kissing?

To answer your question of are you responsible - ultimately no. She is responsible for her own actions. Did you have a part to play? Probably yes, particularly if she was under the impression that you no longer wanted to be with her, and given that you made no attempt to contact her this may not be an unreasonable view for her to take.

Hard to give advice without knowing more information tbh.

LegacyUser

We hadn't ended things in any sense during the row no. She left upset and I didnt follow her as my head was all over the place. I went to text her or call her many times but I just didnt know what to say. She played her part as much as I did during the row.

She told me today what happened with this bloke, this happened Weds night. She rang me Thursday and we met up, talked things over and basically apologised. She didnt obviously mention the night club to me until this evening.
I dont know what to think, I feel sick thinking about her even doing this. I would never in spite of all that was said have done something like that to her.

cliona8969

she is 100% in the wrong and i would not forgive her. she should have cleared things up with you or asked you if the relationship was over before doing such a selfish thing. i would also worry how it was so easy for her to kiss some other bloke after being with you for 2 years. i know i for one would feel physically sick at the thought of kissing another guy and i'm with my boyfriend a year.

i would not let her away with this behaviour or everytime you have a fight she could be off with some bloke!

LegacyUser

I know my head is all over the place. She is telling the story as if I pushed her into his arms. I could have gone and done the same given that I was upset too but I clearly didnt. Im torn between thinking Im partially to blame as she wouldnt have done this in the right frame of mind and on the other hand she chose to do this herself, she betrayed my trust. I know it was a kiss but how can u come back from that? If u can kiss someone else you can go home with someone else?

Chinafoot

Brian6556 wrote: »

We hadn't ended things in any sense during the row no. She left upset and I didnt follow her as my head was all over the place. I went to text her or call her many times but I just didnt know what to say. She played her part as much as I did during the row.

I didn't suggest she didn't play her part. I'm simply suggesting that from her point of view, she may have thought that things were over given that you had both said horrible things to each other and you hadn't made any attempt to contact her. She didn't make any attempt to contact you either (I assume...you haven't said otherwise) so maybe in her upset and anger, as far as she was concerned the relationship had ended.

Brian6556 wrote: »

She told me today what happened with this bloke, this happened Weds night. She rang me Thursday and we met up, talked things over and basically apologised. She didnt obviously mention the night club to me until this evening.

So she told you about what happened two days after the event. Was she sorry? Did she tell you why she did it?

Brian6556 wrote: »

I dont know what to think, I feel sick thinking about her even doing this. I would never in spite of all that was said have done something like that to her.

People can do stupid things when they are upset, particularly when you add alcohol to the situation. I don't blame you for being hurt but I do think you need to view the incident in the context of the entire situation. Speak to her about why she did it. If you can accept that it was a drunken mistake borne out of upset and anger and that it won't happen again, then I would suggest you forgive her and move on with your relationship.

cliona8969 wrote: »

she is 100% in the wrong and i would not forgive her. she should have cleared things up with you or asked you if the relationship was over before doing such a selfish thing. i would also worry how it was so easy for her to kiss some other bloke after being with you for 2 years. i know i for one would feel physically sick at the thought of kissing another guy and i'm with my boyfriend a year.

i would not let her away with this behaviour or everytime you have a fight she could be off with some bloke!

Wow, that is some of the most naive, holier-than-thou nonsense "advice" I've seen in a long time. People, believe it or not, make mistakes. She has told her boyfriend the truth about what happened. Presumably she is sorry she did it and wants to make her relationship with the OP work. I'm not condoning what she did at all. However the entire situation is relevant here. The world isn't as black and white as you might like to think.

Taltos

Brian6556 wrote: »

She is telling the story as if I pushed her into his arms.

This is what has me concerned.
Will she use the same logic next time you have a fight? And will it just be a kiss then?

OP - only you know this girl - but in my opinion her thinking here really is questionnable. Don't rush into any decision - but you both need to learn how to deal with disagreements - most couples have fallouts - however not all couples run off and kiss someone else.

So as above.
Fault - hers.
Contributing - both.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice so far. When she told me about it she was sorry and said she only did it because she was really upset. I said you cant really justify cheating with that because at the end of the day I could have done the same but I chose not to.

As much as I do accept responsibilty for the things I shouldnt have said I cant seem to simply forget this. I cant get images of her with someone else out of my mind. To be honest this has changed my view of our relationship in many ways. Saying that I do love her but as I outlined previously she knew when she did it that this would be the ultimate kick in the teeth for me it wasnt just an accident.

I know kissing someone else is not the same as sleeping with someone else but can you really forgive either??

LegacyUser

to be honest mate what she did was a deal breaker. it's forgiving actions like these that result in so much cheating going on. you say kissing isnt as bad as sleeping with someone else. most would agree but personally kissing to me while not as extreme is more hurtful and extreme. there's nothing more intimate than a kiss face to face. i know from experience that this should not be forgiven. my ex kissed a mate of mine when we were still together and i forgave her and then she slept with another guy.. where do you draw the line? i know its difficult to see now but not all girls cheat like that. in fact very few do. and what she did WAS cheating. you were still together and even if you broke up in the heat of the moment it was just a fight. that's what a fight is (things are said and not meant) good luck op ive been there

LegacyUser

ben348923423 wrote: »

to be honest mate what she did was a deal breaker. it's forgiving actions like these that result in so much cheating going on. you say kissing isnt as bad as sleeping with someone else. most would agree but personally kissing to me while not as extreme is more hurtful and extreme. there's nothing more intimate than a kiss face to face. i know from experience that this should not be forgiven. my ex kissed a mate of mine when we were still together and i forgave her and then she slept with another guy.. where do you draw the line? i know its difficult to see now but not all girls cheat like that. in fact very few do. and what she did WAS cheating. you were still together and even if you broke up in the heat of the moment it was just a fight. that's what a fight is (things are said and not meant) good luck op ive been there

I know exactly what you mean, at the end of the day if I had done the same thing the other night she herself would freak out. What is most upsetting for me is the fact that she is kind of putting this on me - she was upset at the things I had said to her so she kissed someone else in this upset state as a result. What kind of a fool would I be to accept this?

She is contacting me telling me not to be stupid and that it was just a kiss etc. I am still trying to sort my head out.

I am a friend

It's plain and simple - she cheated on you.

LegacyUser

I have never known a cheater (girlfriends and boyfriends of friends and family and even myself once) who has just cheated once. Too often I see people on this forum giving their partners a second chance but the fact is it will definitely happen again. It takes a certain type of person to cheat and that person is extraordinarily likely to do it again. Maybe not within a few weeks/months even years but they will eventually. I had one friend whos girlfriend kissed his best mate. She broke down and pleaded for forgiveness. They got married a year later and only last year (after 4 years) he finds out that she was shagging a guy she worked with. I am entirely of the opinion that as humans we have a natural desire to have sex with as many partners as poosible and that it takes an unlearnable degree of will to stay completely monogamous. This is something that some people have and some people don't. Your girlfriend obviously doesn't and is now engaging in the typical excuse common to all cheaters.....that it was somehow related to something you did.

floorpie

It sounds almost controlling to me, you'd be walking on eggshells through every future argument after that. It's not good, anyway. It could be worked through but she's making you work hard.

battser

Go and find someone who doesn't walk out of the kitchen and kiss someone when it gets heated! Sounds to me like she wanted to kiss a guy and this was the perfect reason to fulfill an urge IMO. Go and find someone you actually deserve. Life is too short for wasting time and being unhappy and consious of the fact she has done it now once(that you know of)

estar

Hi there it's both your faults you lost the plots during the fight and insulted each other. Her reaction is her own business. a little immature to be Fair to rush out get drunk and kiss someone. It's important to learn how to fight with someone without breaking up or insulting or abusing someone. Both of you should think about how you communicate. No one can tell you whether a kiss will matter to you. Is she sorry? does she want to sort it out? What about seeing a therapist for couples to sort it out?

parrai

When you are seeing someone, there is a imaginary line of trust, that once has been broken, shatters that line and sows the seeds of doubt. This is what has happened here. You have had an argument (not the first, I suspect) and this has lead to things been 'put out there' that cannot be taken back.

I think, there may be a possiblity, that this has been 'brewing' for a while.
Reflect and think what caused you to say that, what you think, was the tipping point...

I have a feeling you'll find your answer there.

It's quite possible that the 'kissing' is a way to control you in the future, but this will never work, because you haven't got a conclusion on this agrument that is satisfactory to you, so it'll 'snowball' into the next, which will leave who knows where, in terms of 'kissing' or a step further.

If she cared about you, she wouldn't have gone off at the drop of a hat and do this to you.

Also, there is something else to consider... Maybe she 'kissed' this guy and immediately felt guilty...

Hard to call... Keep this in mind, (I mean no offence)

You don't own her, nor she you, when you go out with someone, it should because you both respect each other enough not to do this kind of thing until you BOTH know it's finished.

LegacyUser

Thank's for the replies Im taking everything on board. I have been giving this some serious thought after speaking with her. She told me what happened in more detail, she also said as someone did mention that as soon as she had kissed this bloke she instantly regretted it and didnt want to ruin everything by telling me.

I told her this sounds like bull. To be honest I'm fairly heartbroken I mean I adore this woman, generally we dont argue and never have argued at the level we did on Weds. So where does this leave me I dont know anymore. I would love to have words with this bloke!!

Taltos

While you would love to chat to this bloke your anger is misplaced.

He did NOT know he was kissing someone who had a boyfriend.

The only person you need to chat with right now is your GF/EX. Maybe take some time apart right now - you need space to really think this through - talking it over with her is just a pressure cooker and is not giving you the time you need to figure out if you have a future with her.

As before - what happens next time you have a fight - trust me - there will be one...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

While you would love to chat to this bloke your anger is misplaced.

He did NOT know he was kissing someone who had a boyfriend.

The only person you need to chat with right now is your GF/EX. Maybe take some time apart right now - you need space to really think this through - talking it over with her is just a pressure cooker and is not giving you the time you need to figure out if you have a future with her.

As before - what happens next time you have a fight - trust me - there will be one...

True, very true. You reckon this is likely to happen again? I would love to put this down to a big mistake

parrai

Brian6556 wrote: »

True, very true. You reckon this is likely to happen again? I would love to put this down to a big mistake

You can if you wish... There is nothing saying you can't. Just straighten it out with herself.

baggypants

Hi there
i know exactly where you are coming from,the same thing happened to me only a few months ago,one thing is for sure dont try and make any contact with the other bloke ,what will it achieve?? plus the guy has no idea whats going on ,
Parrai post put it best the trust has been broken, one option is to have a break from each other and let everthing cool down first
there is some great advice on here from the boards gang i used it and it helped me

Taltos

Brian6556 wrote: »

True, very true. You reckon this is likely to happen again? I would love to put this down to a big mistake

A mistake is putting colours in with a white wash.
Kissing someone else involves intent - there may be regret here, guilt, shame - but she chose to kiss someone else.

Best case it shows poor judgement and immaturity. Some people learn from this and change.
Worst case it shows that she doesn't care enough about you and just can never be trusted again.
> the only caution I would put on these is in your case she tried to make out it was your fault - no matter what else - that is one big red flag.


Only you can really tell which of these apply here - go with your gut - chances are it will be more accurate than your heart.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone there has been an update to the situation that's why I havent been on. Ive literally been up all night. I cant believe I am even going to put this up but here we go.

As it turns out the bloke she was with in the club wasnt some randomer but her ex boyfriend. Not only did she kiss him but she went home with him. I have also graphically been told this wasnt a quick one night stand but an all night intimate affair.
I literally feel as though ive been punched in the stomach, how the hell did an arguement end up in this??

Im trying to keep my head straight but there is no way I can do this

I am a friend

I am very sorry to hear that.

She is very dishonest and I hope you make the right choice.

LegacyUser

Very sorry to hear that.

Look, lets try take the positives here. At least you know now rather than years down the line what kind of person your girlfriend is. You can now be strong, break all ties with her and find a genuinely good person. Chin up and good luck. Broaden your horizons, maybe get a cracking Polish bird this time, great women and in my experience extraordinarily monogomous.

parrai

Brian6556 wrote: »

Hi everyone there has been an update to the situation that's why I havent been on. Ive literally been up all night. I cant believe I am even going to put this up but here we go.

As it turns out the bloke she was with in the club wasnt some randomer but her ex boyfriend. Not only did she kiss him but she went home with him. I have also graphically been told this wasnt a quick one night stand but an all night intimate affair.
I literally feel as though ive been punched in the stomach, how the hell did an arguement end up in this??

Im trying to keep my head straight but there is no way I can do this

Ok, I'm afraid you are going to have to let this go. You said you were told 'graphically' told, by whom were you told? Think back to the argument, what did it start over?

This has been going on longer than you know, I think.

Taltos

As someone above said - she has done you a favour here.
Imagine finding this out if you got married or if there were kids involved.

At least now you know exactly what type of person she is. Ignore the fact that it was an ex.
She lied to you, she had sex with another guy - and to top it all off she tried to convince you it was all your fault...

Well rid.

Break all contact now - nothing good will come from staying in contact. Surround yourself with your friends - and get your head straight before you even consider going off with anyone else. Otherwise this will just mess you and whoever you go with up too much.

Sorry OP.

baggypants

sorry to hear that OP best off just to break all contact and delete her phone number and delete her off your facebook page [if you have one] and like what everyone has said take the positive points out of it ,you might not think it now but she has done you a favour mate ,chin up and dont look back

LegacyUser

Sounds to me OP like kissing someone else was never far from her mind to begin with.


As someone who was broken up with recently, I went out to a pub and club the very next day. I went out to get myself out of the house and had no intention on going for any other reason.

In my misery I got so drunk I could hardly stand, then myself and another girl who was going through the same things went home to a friends house to drown our sorrows. Friend was male. The two of us crashed there, cried, bitched, laughed, cried and I went home the next day still feeling miserable.

Wasn't with anyone, and the thought wasn't anywhere near my mind.

Do you want to know the funny thing though? My ex called over to me to see how I was doing and when he found out that I went out, never mind the fact that I wasn't with anyone, when he found out that I had gone out he was so furious he left and I haven't seen him since.

Don't you just wish what I had done was what your girlfriend had done instead? Yet for me the outcome is as if I had done what yours did.


My advice to you is to really scrutinise your 2years - was it as great as you say it was? As said above, I know life is not as black and white as this, but I will tell you one thing, my ex has said, in the heat of the moment, things that I would imagine are a lot worse than what you said to your girlfriend if not just as bad, things that have had a lasting effect on me, months after they were said. And I would have never gone straight out and kissed someone else.

You can forgive but you can't forget in my opinion so if you decide to forgive her for this, you have to realise that although you will never forget it, you can't go throwing it back in her face in the next argument you have.

What age are you guys?

Just to try and see both sides here too - she didn't have to tell you this you know. You wouldn't have found out and if you don't at least recognise that much of her honesty you run the risk of encouraging her to hide things from you in the future if you guys stay together.

LegacyUser

parrai wrote: »

Ok, I'm afraid you are going to have to let this go. You said you were told 'graphically' told, by whom were you told? Think back to the argument, what did it start over?

This has been going on longer than you know, I think.

I was told by a good friend who knows the ex. The arguement kicked off over me not telling her something, its a long story

parrai

Brian6556 wrote: »

I was told by a good friend who knows the ex. The arguement kicked off over me not telling her something, its a long story

Brian, as has been pointed out above, if you stay in this relationship, you are letting yourself in for a lot more pain. Don't get me wrong, it's entirely your decision, but at the end of the day, cheating is cheating, and no excuse as flimsy as an argument can let her have her cake and eat it.

Your argument was about something you didn't tell her, and she would not stand for it, so I really doubt that if the shoe was on the other foot, she would allow you to 'Kiss' someone else. But then to come back and try and make you feel bad, whilst all the time, lying about the fact she actually spent the night with someone else!! (Based on the story you were told by friend being true)

Get out now based on what you have told us here...

Best of luck,
Parrai