Questioning Sexuality

epiphony

Hello, everyone.

I was wondering if people could help me, well, not so much help so much as I would love to have someone to talk to about this.

I'm 20 years old, female, and about to finish college this year. I have always been straight, hooked up with plenty of guys and never thought any different. But recently I have started questioning my sexuality and it is something I am struggling to come to terms with.

I have always looked at girls and thought "Wow, she's pretty" and everything like that and never thought anything by it. But this summer everything seemed to change. I was in San Francisco and two of my lesbian friends that I met over there were very flirty with me and I just played it off as their personality, until they made passes at me and I kind of just backed off and said "Oh, no, I'm straight". But now I find that I can't stop thinking about them.

I don't really have any urge to be sexual with a girl, but I do have this feeling and image in my head that I really just want to press them up against a wall and kiss them. I am starting to think that I might actually be a little bi-sexual and the only way for me to really find out is to "experiment" but I'm really lost as to how to even start. I've never kissed a girl, and never thought I wanted to but now I can't think of anything else I would rather do.

I apologise if this is too rant-y for everyone but I'm really confused and lost.

baby and crumble

Hey epiphony, and welcome!

Sometimes it takes a particular person or persons to awaken something inside ourselves. Maybe that happened for you this summer. I know you said that you don't really want to do anything sexual with a girl, but pressing them up against a wall and kissing them is pretty sexual- being sexual isn't all about the genitals- it's all about what happens between the ears, and only a little between the legs.

What you could do is come along to our beers night in November if you're in Dublin- it's just a semi regular meetup of folks from the board, and rather than going into that heated nightclub 'must score' kind of environment, it might be an idea.

You are also young enough to be able to access BelongTo, and all their supports, and I highly recommend them. They have a womens group, called the Ladybirds, and a bisexual group, if I remember correctly.

You might be straight, you might be bisexual, you might be gay- only you can really figure that out. But there's lots of people and places who'll help, without pressure.

Whatever though, you're not alone. Lots of people begin questioning their attractions in their 20's onwards- there's nothing wrong with that!

epiphony

Hey, I do live in Dublin so those beer nights sound pretty perfect. I would love to go.

As for the club scene, I tend to go out a lot with my friends and have several male friends who are gay and they love to go to War and C.U.N. Tuesday, but I always find that these gay friendly nights are filled with boys. Are there any lesbian club nights or clubs where there is a more balanced mix of guys and girls?

Thanks for the information on BelongTo aswell. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to go join a group like that yet and attend meetings, but it's definitely something I'll keep in mind.

easychair

epiphony wrote: »

Hey, I do live in Dublin so those beer nights sound pretty perfect. I would love to go.

As for the club scene, I tend to go out a lot with my friends and have several male friends who are gay and they love to go to War and C.U.N. Tuesday, but I always find that these gay friendly nights are filled with boys. Are there any lesbian club nights or clubs where there is a more balanced mix of guys and girls?

Thanks for the information on BelongTo aswell. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to go join a group like that yet and attend meetings, but it's definitely something I'll keep in mind.

There is a whole spectrum on which we all have a place. There are not many who are 100% gay or 100% str8, and virtually everyone questions at some time. Or many times.

Sex itself is wonderful in so many ways, and if someone sometimes wants str8 sex, and other times wants gay sex, then thats fine and if they seek sex thats fine also.

Many decide that other things are more important that pure sexual desire (for example having a family), and decide to compromise gay sex for that.

The problem with many of the gay groups is that they are promoting one side of the coin, and it's hard to find a group who are actively involved in promoting a neutral position, or discussing both sides of the coin.

Consequently, these are decisions we have to, largely, make for ourselves, and decide what we want from our lives. Thats not always easy, but to consider ones long term well being and life goals might be worth thinking about, rather than ones short term sexual desires.

As I said, it's not easy, but you don't have to make any decisions which are irrevocable.

Be happy. Enjoy finding out. And make a decision based on what you want long term would be my only advice.

Hmmm_cake

I'm glad you posted this. I'm in a similar situation to you but I'm 31. I have gone out with guys but there is this one girl who has been on my mind....alot. I am very much questioning my sexuality, but I have no idea where to go from here.

easychair

Hmmm_cake wrote: »

I'm glad you posted this. I'm in a similar situation to you but I'm 31. I have gone out with guys but there is this one girl who has been on my mind....alot. I am very much questioning my sexuality, but I have no idea where to go from here.

I'm surprised. You say you have no idea where to go from here, whereas it seems to me obvious where i should go from here, were I in your shoes.

baby and crumble

easychair wrote: »

I'm surprised. You say you have no idea where to go from here, whereas it seems to me obvious where i should go from here, were I in your shoes.

To be fair, it's hard to suddenly come to a realisation like that, and try to figure out if you should go for it with the one girl, just try going out to a gay bar, or join a questioning group...

easychair

baby and crumble wrote: »

To be fair, it's hard to suddenly come to a realisation like that, and try to figure out if you should go for it with the one girl, just try going out to a gay bar, or join a questioning group...

I suppose, for me, i would not think I had to come to a realisation like that suddenly. All I would do is to meet the other girl, and she where that leads me or us, and wait for any realisation to happen, or not, without forcing it.

baby and crumble

easychair wrote: »

I suppose, for me, i would not think I had to come to a realisation like that suddenly. All I would do is to meet the other girl, and she where that leads me or us, and wait for any realisation to happen, or not, without forcing it.

That kind of laissez-faire attitude can be really scary for a lot of people though. It'd freak me out, personally, I HATE not having boundaries or knowing what was what.

easychair

baby and crumble wrote: »

That kind of laissez-faire attitude can be really scary for a lot of people though. It'd freak me out, personally, I HATE not having boundaries or knowing what was what.

It's up you to to set whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with for yourself. if youa re not comfortable meeting someone else, then don't meet them.

The op said there was one girl in particular who she'd like to get to know better, and to me that's the thing to do, to get to know her better. Nothing may come of it, or she could turn out to be the love of her life, or...well, there are many possibilities.

It's hard to know why having a cup of coffee with someone else can be thought to be freakish!

Hmmm_cake

baby and crumble wrote: »

To be fair, it's hard to suddenly come to a realisation like that, and try to figure out if you should go for it with the one girl, just try going out to a gay bar, or join a questioning group...

*nod nod*

Is there questioning groups? I think a gay bar is a little intimidating right now

baby and crumble

There's a group called "first out" which is based in Dublin and Leitrim. According to their website:

The meetings are open to all women questioning same sex feelings or attractions or coming out. The women attending the support groups are at many different stages in their lives. Some are married, some have children, some have only ever been in relationships with men, some have been dating women for years but have not been able to come out to friends and loved ones. Wherever you are in your journey please come along and join us!

Unfortunately it seems they meet on the first Thursday of every month, and that was last night, but there's always December!

Feel free to come along to the beers at the end of this month, it's usually held in a regular bar, so it's less scary than walking into a gay bar!

Hmmm_cake

baby and crumble wrote: »

There's a group called "first out" which is based in Dublin and Leitrim. According to their website:



Unfortunately it seems they meet on the first Thursday of every month, and that was last night, but there's always December!

Feel free to come along to the beers at the end of this month, it's usually held in a regular bar, so it's less scary than walking into a gay bar!

Thats really helpful. Thank you.

baby and crumble

No worries. And if you do decide to come to beers, just PM me before hand and I can meet you outside the place so you don't have to walk in by yourself or whatever. I remember how long it took me just to go in for the first college LGBT society event I ever went to, walking in places can be scary!!!

Hmmm_cake

That's really cool of you. Thank you.
LOL!!!! Yeah walking in to places can be totally scary!!! Though walking into a place that serves beer is a little bit less scary hee hee

Meesared

That it is! Ah it should be fun

epiphony

baby and crumble wrote: »

There's a group called "first out" which is based in Dublin and Leitrim. According to their website:



Unfortunately it seems they meet on the first Thursday of every month, and that was last night, but there's always December!

Feel free to come along to the beers at the end of this month, it's usually held in a regular bar, so it's less scary than walking into a gay bar!

Does anyone know where this beer night is going to be on yet? I'd love to go too.

rainbow kirby

26 November - 3 weeks from today. The more the merrier