What happens the engagement ring?

LegacyUser

I'm breaking up with my fiance. It's not on particularly good terms (i.e. he doesn't want us to break up.)

The subject of the engagement ring hasn't come up yet, but what usually happens here?

Susie_Q

I don't know the etiquette, but I'm guessing that if you're breaking up with him and he paid for the ring, you should give it back. It would be a bit scabby to keep it, especially if he spent a lot of money on it. You will hardly need it now anyway.

MARTYRYAN

Susie_Q wrote: »

I don't know the etiquette, but I'm guessing that if you're breaking up with him and he paid for the ring, you should give it back. It would be a bit scabby to keep it, especially if he spent a lot of money on it. You will hardly need it now anyway.

Agreed..Unless the ring was paid for from a joint wedding fund, which might be unusual, you should give it back. Otherwise, for him, it would be a dagger in the heart followed by a kick in the arse for good measure

JustAThought

MARTYRYAN wrote: »

Susie_Q wrote: »

I don't know the etiquette, but I'm guessing that if you're breaking up with him and he paid for the ring, you should give it back. It would be a bit scabby to keep it, especially if he spent a lot of money on it. You will hardly need it now anyway.

Agreed..Unless the ring was paid for from a joint wedding fund, which might be unusual, you should give it back. Otherwise, for him, it would be a dagger in the heart followed by a kick in the arse for good measure

Give back the ring. It was the sign of love, a promise and a lifelong commitment. Do the right thing, and give it back. Or go to his folks house when emotions arnt high and hand it in wrapped in a package and ask then to give it to him privately when you're not there and hes not upset. They will all think highly of you for it, and in years to come you will still be the one that comes up on top because of it.

( unless you paid for it )

ash23

I would think if you're breaking up with him, you should give him back the ring. If he were breaking up with you, you should keep it. This is assuming he paid for it of course.

Penny Dreadful

JustAThought wrote: »

Give back the ring. It was the sign of love, a promise and a lifelong commitment. Do the right thing, and give it back. Or go to his folks house when emotions arnt high and hand it in wrapped in a package and ask then to give it to him privately when you're not there and hes not upset. They will all think highly of you for it, and in years to come you will still be the one that comes up on top because of it.

( unless you paid for it )

I totally agree with the concept of giving the ring back. However, the idea of being the one that comes out on top is ......well it just doesn't matter. You're breaking up a relationship that you both thought would last forever (otherwise you wouldn't have gotten engaged I think) getting one over on the other person is petty IMHO.

CarMe

Of corse you give it back!!

Taltos

The ring to me is a promise towards getting marriage - unsure if it is a contract.

If the marriage is called off for whatever reason that that promise has to be returned.
Do you really want that reminder hanging around?

Just try to return it in calm way - once you do this - he has really no choice but to accept that it is over - so expect him to tell you to hold onto it for a while - keeping hope alive...

Beruthiel

Asdfhjkl wrote: »

I'm breaking up with my fiance. It's not on particularly good terms (i.e. he doesn't want us to break up.)

The subject of the engagement ring hasn't come up yet, but what usually happens here?

You are breaking up with him.
It is very simple, the right and moral thing to do is give him back the ring so he can get his money back.

blackbird98

If he paid for it, then offer it back to him.....but he may not want it

JustAThought wrote: »

....and ask then to give it to him privately when you're not there and hes not upset. They will all think highly of you for it, and in years to come you will still be the one that comes up on top because of it.

This may or may not work....they might see this as you not having the guts / courtesy to give it to him yourself

Honey-ec

The usual etiquette is: if he ends the engagement, you keep the ring; if you end it, you give the ring back.

Unless, of course, you paid for it yourself, which was the case with a friend of mine who was recently dumped by her fiance.

iguana

Etiquette is irrelevant in this case as there is a law governing the return of engagement rings in this country. Unless the marriage takes place the ring belongs to whoever purchased it.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/getting_married/legal_implications_of_a_broken_engagement.html

kylith

AFAIK there is no obligation to return the ring as legally it's considered a gift. That said, to not give it back is scabby in the extreme. It'll have cost your fiance a lot of money that he probably can't really afford.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I don't think I made myself clear in the first post, sorry about that.

It's not a case that we're fighting over the ring and that he wants it back and I don't want to give it. He hasn't mentioned it yet, and if he asks for it of course I'll give it to him straight away. I wasn't really looking for legal advice, if I'm "entitled" to keep it or whatever. What's the point in me keeping it, it's not like I'll ever wear it again.

What I was asking, really, wasn't what should be done. More what's usually done. Us breaking up is very sad. We both really love that ring, lots of great memories. I don't know if either of us could bear to sell it, personally I can't imagine some other girl going around wearing our ring, I don't think he could do it either.

So what do people usually do in these circumstances. Should I give him the ring whether he asks for it or not?

baggypants

it would be best if you gave the ring back it would be the right thing to do, as a previous poster said ,dont think you need it anymore, and asuming he paid for it

dudara

asdffdsa wrote: »

OP here again.

I don't think I made myself clear in the first post, sorry about that.

It's not a case that we're fighting over the ring and that he wants it back and I don't want to give it. He hasn't mentioned it yet, and if he asks for it of course I'll give it to him straight away. I wasn't really looking for legal advice, if I'm "entitled" to keep it or whatever. What's the point in me keeping it, it's not like I'll ever wear it again.

What I was asking, really, wasn't what should be done. More what's usually done. Us breaking up is very sad. We both really love that ring, lots of great memories. I don't know if either of us could bear to sell it, personally I can't imagine some other girl going around wearing our ring, I don't think he could do it either.

So what do people usually do in these circumstances. Should I give him the ring whether he asks for it or not?

The only thing to do here is talk to him. Ask him if he wants the ring back, making sure to mention that you're happy to do so. At least that way, you've both decided what to do.

Taltos

asdffdsa wrote: »

What I was asking, really, wasn't what should be done. More what's usually done. Us breaking up is very sad. We both really love that ring, lots of great memories. I don't know if either of us could bear to sell it, personally I can't imagine some other girl going around wearing our ring, I don't think he could do it either.

What should be done in my opinion is you just give him the ring without waiting for him to ask.

Look - at the end of the day - it is just an object, a thing. It might symbolise what you had but it is really a reminder now of what you have lost.
As a bloke - if I went into a relationship with someone who still had their engagement ring - well it would be a short relationship.
Whatever he decides really is no longer your concern - who knows he may have financial concerns and could do with the money - or he might hold onto it. Giving it to someone else - is unlikely though it could happen - but again - since you two are split - you can't get hung up on that maybe happening.

So - what usually happens and what I would expect is you return the ring without waiting for him to ask. He might never ask either out of embarrasment or shame or guilt or hope... - so be the bigger person and return it. Actually insist on him taking it.

Katgurl

I actually can't believe what you're asking.

You are ending the engagement. Give him back the ring. Don't wait for him to ask. Insist he take it (assuming he paid for it).

You are not entitled to the ring, memories or not. Wearing the ring was a symbol of your intention to marry him.

You are ending the engagement. Give it back so he can decide what to do with it.

strandroad

If I were you I would absolutely give it back. Don't ask whether he wants it back or not (he most likely won't know anyway), just bring it back. If he protests, suggest that he donates it to charity in memory of what could have been but wasn't!

estar

You return it as you are not going ahead with the wedding

dr gonzo

Im gobsmacked that you think theres any kind of grey area here at all OP. As others above me have said, get it back to him whatever it takes, its the least you can do. It doesnt matter what it used to mean or that another girl will never wear it its up to your ex-fiance what to do with it now, even if that means chucking it in the Liffey.

This is not specifically aimed at you OP but I cant put into words how disturbed i am at the idea of a person breaking off an engagement AND keeping the engagement ring they didnt pay for.

Without any insult intended this, to me, is a complete no brainer.

Capt'n Midnight

iguana wrote: »

Etiquette is irrelevant in this case as there is a law governing the return of engagement rings in this country. Unless the marriage takes place the ring belongs to whoever purchased it.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/getting_married/legal_implications_of_a_broken_engagement.html

qft

rules like this aren't made on a whim

If you like the ring so much you could buy another similar one or offer to reimburse him for that one.

OkayWhatever

Definitely give it back, you should have given it back already.

He gave it to you because he wanted to marry you, now you give it back because you don't want to marry him.

If he says he doesn't want it back, leave it somewhere for him. It's not yours to keep, not when he paid for it and whatever, no way.

tinkerbell

OP, give back the ring. An engagement ring is a commitment to marriage, the marriage is not going to happen so it should be going back to whoever paid for it.

ILikeBananas

Reminds me of this

Johnny Bitte

:eek: There should be no question of this!
He bought you that ring as a sign of his commitment to you.

Its not like its a birtday present or Christmas present.

Give it back OP, regardless of legal rights to it, its the only decent thing to do.