Secret from Mother.

LegacyUser

(Mods, I tried to post anon yesterday, but as it is not up, I assume it was a bit too strong, so I hope this will be more acceptable as I am going to be alot more non-specific!!It is a major issue for me and I really want advice if it's out there. Also I don't know if this would be better suited in personal issues?)


Myself, siblings and our partners became aware of some things that my Mum's husband has been up to, behind all our backs. I am convinced that my Mum is still unaware, as she would not be with him if she knew!

The problem is, do we tell her and if so, how, because it will break her heart. I can't stand his deception, and I feel it will come out in the future at some point in a row or something, (as none of us are too fond of him anyway),and that would be awful.I think it might be more damaging for her to know that everyone else knew all along. I just don't know what to do. Because of the nature of the secret, it is a very delicate subject.

Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation? or had secrets kept from them that eventually came out. We kind of think that we are protecting her as we have had an awful 2 years of major bereavements etc, and this would just be too much as she is pretty fragile. We are not a close family, but it feels like what is left is hanging by a thread.

LegacyUser

Very hard to advise without having some idea as to the nature of this secret.

Is the man having an affair?

Is he a paedophile?

If he's having an affair, your mother should be told before she finds out herself.

I think without more detail, you'll receive very few replies as people don't know what advice to offer.

blackbird98

fjfjfjf wrote: »

If he's having an affair, your mother should be told before she finds out herself.

if he's having an affair, I would recommend that you talk to him first, tell him that you know about it, and if he doesn't sort it / admit to your mother, then advise him that you will tell your mother.

Let them try to work it out between themselves first, before interfering

LegacyUser

I tried to put up details before, but it was never put up so thought it was too much info, but here is a bit more...

He is visiting prostitutes, not just suspected, but 100percent definate, on a frequent basis
and he covers it up too.It would be extremely difficult to talk to him about it as we don't really talk anyway it as he is carrying on as if no-one knows. I just feel disgusted that he could do that behind my Mother's back especially at a time that she needs more support from him (several times bereaved in a short period). He is always away from home on some really random excuses and it is frustrating that we all know why.

Now, each to their own and all that, but he is married and totally disrespecting his wedding vows for a start, but it is all so creepy and sordid because of the type of character he is.it makes me feel sick, and my poor Mum has been through so much. Like I say, she is very vulnerable at the moment and we are not close, but it still pains me to know what I know and I don't know what to do.

Squiggler

He is not only disrespecting your Mum, but may be putting his and your Mum's health, or even life, at risk from HIV and other STI's. People who are promiscuous seriously increase their chances of infection, and unsuspecting partners are unwittingly exposed too. And because they don't know that they're at risk they may not be tested until it is too late for treatment to be effective.

You need to tell him you know and that he needs to come clean with your Mum before she hears it from someone else (if you really don't feel you could tell her yourself).

If it was my family he would be given a week to tell Mum or I'd be telling her - not the easy option, but she needs to know!

Sleepy

How do you know he hasn't gotten your mothers permission to be doing this?

Not saying it's the case but sometimes it's useful to think as devil's advocate before blundering into a situation when you only have some of the details.

coolcat63

Sleepy wrote: »

How do you know he hasn't gotten your mothers permission to be doing this?

Not saying it's the case but sometimes it's useful to think as devil's advocate before blundering into a situation when you only have some of the details.

This. Whilst it's unlikely your mother is aware, no one knows the dynamics of a relationship other than the people in it. If you must get involved then you must speak to him as calmly as you can, with your evidence (how do you know he's not paying a prostitute not for sex but to talk to? It's not unheard of, especially when there are pressures at home). Perhaps one your partners (male) could take him aside for a chat? Even if the behaviour doesn't stop then at least he will know to be a/ a lot more discreet and b/ use the appropriate protection.

Horrible situation - I feel for you.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, before you take any action, consider the effect on your mother about the fact that her husband is seeking sexual satisfaction in this manner. It will more likely affect her own self worth more than her view of his morality. I suspect that the most likely scenario is that their sexual relationship is unbalanced on her side, otherwise he might not feel the need to look outside the relationship. Have you asked yourself why he might want to do this?

Personally I don't think its such a huge issue. You haven't alluded to whether you are male or female but I'd guess the latter whereas from a male perspective, its more often a simple case of physical relief with no emotional attachment. You mentioned that your mother has suffered some bereavement and maybe that is significant in regard to their sexual relationship.

Morality aside, paying for sex is significantly different from him having an affair, so unless you can feel comfortable with drawing attention to, perhaps, flaws on your mothers side, you could end up making the situation worse.

LegacyUser

jimmy cc: Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am female, but regardless of my sex, please respect that it IS a big issue for me,(not so much yourself, because you are not in my situation perhaps!) as I respect and love my Mother and I am hurting on her behalf.

I understand your point of view, and respect it, as we all have our own minds. I am not daft or naive by any means and I am very open-minded, I just feel that it seems wrong when they are married, it just seems so disrespectful. The secrecy, underhandness, and the lies that have been told etc. There is alot more to the story than what I have posted, but I don't feel it is necessary to tell the world everything. I just fear that one day it will all come out and Mum will be devastated that we all knew all along. I can not condone his behaviour, it is a time when he should be there for her. Surely a 'man's needs' could be controlled when some things should be more important!

Ickle Magoo

OP - you know your mum best and whether she'd consider you protecting her or hurt you didn't say something sooner. Personally, if I was 100% sure I'd tell my mum because I know she's the kind of woman who would never agree to her husband going to a prostitute and whether she suspected or not, she certainly wouldn't want her kids stressed and worrying about what to do carrying around that kind of secret/information.

I don't agree that the hiding of affairs or cheating is ever for the benefit of the party being cheating on, very few people appreciate being made to look lacking or that the wool is being pulled over their eyes, especially when it comes to something that is often viewed as so seedy with possibly both financial and health implications...you don't say how you know but if it's easy enough for you to find out 100% that he regularly frequents prostitutes, perhaps it's not that difficult for others to either.

All the very best you, not easy whatever you decide.

tinkerbell

OP, you know your mum best. You surely have some idea what her reaction would be if she knew about this. Tell her - he is putting your mum's health at risk here.