Was I being inappropriate? What should I do?

LegacyUser

I have been working closely with a girl in my department for almost a year now and I thought we had become friends, we go for lunch,meet at weekends sometimes,she's come to my house to watch DVDs etc.We also have serious chats about our bfs and our families etc.

Its her birthday on Halloween and the work crew are bringing her out for drinks on Monday. We were chatting about it and I mentioned I got her a present and told her it was a small cheap trinket I'd spotted in penneys and thought she'd like. I expected her to be at least gracious but instead she looked at me as I'd gone mad and said she wished I hadn't because now she will feel obliged to get me gifts in the future. I explained again it cost less than a fiver and related to a private joke between us. I still was met with the same stoney expression.

I feel foolish like ive over stepped the mark and been inappropriate by treating her as a proper friend as opposed to a colleague. I haven't given her the gift yet and I'm now wondering if I should just say no more about it and not produce it at all. I don't know what will be more awkward. Any ideas?

Lollipops23

That's pretty odd behaviour on her part OP. Is she feeling financially strapped maybe and this has added more pressure (she feels)?

It's still quite odd, my closest friend in work got me a small pressie on my birthday and I brought her out to lunch on hers.

In future you could make a deal re birthdays/xmas- myself and my best friend don't do pressies anymore (it's a tradition that's carried over since we were broke college students!); instead we choose a gig that we'd both like to go to and head to that. We're going to Katy Perry for our bdays (Aug and Oct!) in a few weeks!

Like I said, he reaction was pretty weird and ungrateful IMHO.

flowerchild

Feeling foolish wrote: »

I have been working closely with a girl in my department for almost a year now and I thought we had become friends, we go for lunch,meet at weekends sometimes,she's come to my house to watch DVDs etc.We also have serious chats about our bfs and our families etc.

Its her birthday on Halloween and the work crew are bringing her out for drinks on Monday. We were chatting about it and I mentioned I got her a present and told her it was a small cheap trinket I'd spotted in penneys and thought she'd like. I expected her to be at least gracious but instead she looked at me as I'd gone mad and said she wished I hadn't because now she will feel obliged to get me gifts in the future. I explained again it cost less than a fiver and related to a private joke between us. I still was met with the same stoney expression.

I feel foolish like ive over stepped the mark and been inappropriate by treating her as a proper friend as opposed to a colleague. I haven't given her the gift yet and I'm now wondering if I should just say no more about it and not produce it at all. I don't know what will be more awkward. Any ideas?

Take her reaction as feedback - she didn't want a gift, or a sense of obligation, however small. When you are next with her privately, just say "re the gift, just kidding - it's a gift free zone" and head off to save her embarrassment.

Lollipops, I don't think her reaction is weird - she just didn't want a gift. And it's not ungrateful, otherwise you are implying that people have to accept gifts or objects regardless of whether they want them. And that's just rude.

I think she was pretty rude

Distorted

I also think she is rude and also ungracious. Maybe its because there have been rumours at work about the pair of you, and she has overreacted as a result. But tbh I wouldn't waste any time thinking about it. If she wants to be like that, then its up to her. Continue to behave well and be reassured that you are taking the higher ground.

Little Acorn

I think her reaction was rude. If she didn't want a gift that is completely fine, all she had to do was politely decline, and explain that she is just not comfortable with exchanging gifts.

To act completely cold and stoney faced towards the OP, and making the OP feel so uncomfortable like he/she had done something horrible, was very rude and over the top.

All she had to say was "I genuinely appreciate the gesture, but I am not comfortable accepting the gift, as I don't like exchanging gifts, it makes me feel uncomfortable" or something along those lines.
They could have then moved on quickly from the matter- the woman would have made her feelings about gifts clear, and the OP wouldn't be left feeling so embarrassed, or feeling like he/she had done something bad.

OP i don't think you did anything wrong, but just to clear the air, you could just say that you didn't mean to cause any annoyance, that you are going to keep the gift for yourself, and ask could you just both forget it happened.
Again I would stress that I don't think you did anything hugely wrong, people just have different views on these things which is ok, although she handled it badly imo.
At least that's one person you can mark off the christmas list!:)
(if you celebrate christmas that is)

CarMe

She sounds very rude! When I was on my last week before maternity leave I got presents from very unlikely people in work and it meant a hell of a lot! Probably even more than my close friends at home because it was unexpected and I was really grateful.
Her reaction was a very odd IMO!
You did nothing wrong!

ash23

That's really rude of her.
In work we don't give gifts but one of my workmates is also a friend and we'll give little things to each other at christmas and birthdays. If it's a "big" birthday we'll all chip in and get something. Or if a baby or wedding etc.

Ickle Magoo

So it's okay to come to your house and watch DVD's and chat about private details of your life - and it's fine for her to be indebted to her work mates for the drinks - but a cheap trinket related to a running joke as a birthday present for someone whose behaviour led to you considering them a friend is crossing the line?

If she cares more about the rumour mills at work than your friendship then you are better off without her. I'd keep things purely professional from now on or you are going to end up spending more and more of your time worrying about what ridiculous invisible line you might be crossing/about to cross and be given the stony-faced treatment over.

All the best

Lollipops23

flowerchild wrote: »

Take her reaction as feedback - she didn't want a gift, or a sense of obligation, however small. When you are next with her privately, just say "re the gift, just kidding - it's a gift free zone" and head off to save her embarrassment.

Lollipops, I don't think her reaction is weird - she just didn't want a gift. And it's not ungrateful, otherwise you are implying that people have to accept gifts or objects regardless of whether they want them. And that's just rude.

That's ridiculous. It's the social norm to get the people you care about a gift for their birthday. If the girl feels weird about it, that's fine, but it is unusual to react to someone giving you something in the way she did. If she has an issue she needs to explain it, instead of being incredibly hurtful and insulting to someone who was doing something nice for her.

Elle Collins

Being happy to visit someones home at weekends, go for lunch, discuss personal family and relationship issues, and then have an issue accepting a small inexpensive gift - those are the mismatched actions of an oddball.

You're lucky you uncovered this through a relatively harmless incident OP, rather then through a far bigger issue.

curlzy

Wow, what a smack in the face! That is the height of rudeness and really mean :mad: You are close enough friends to meet after work to watch DVDs and you discuss intimate details of your lives but she acts like you grabbed her boob if you get her a small birthday gift?!?!? WTF! Honestly OP, as hurtful and embarrassing as it was it really did you a favour. You've learned that this "friend" is willing to hurt and embarrass you, for whatever reason. Honestly OP, take a step back from that girl and go back to being colleagues. She's not good friend material, she doesn't deserve you as a friend if she treats you like that. Try not to feel foolish, you did absolutely nothing wrong, quite the opposite in fact, you got her a funny thoughtful present, so nothing to be ashamed of.

tenchi-fan

Nice lesson to learn, op, be careful when mixing work and friendships.

She actually sounds like a cow. Her reaction sounds quite calculated. I'm sure she's trying to create drama.

If I were you, I'd go to pennys, pick up something for even cheaper that represents the same joke (say for €2) and give it to her as an unwrapped present. She'll hopefully feel ridiculous for making such a big deal.

Then, you can learn about keeping a professional distance from work colleagues.

Ainekav

That was very rude of her.. I would not bother giving her the gift and forget all about it. Weirdo...

zxcvbnm1

I just wouldn't bring it up again and not give it to her and continue as normal with her.
She will hardly ask for it. And of she does then point out how she told you she didn't want it.

iguana

While her reaction may have been rude I can understand her sentiment. I hate getting caught up in gift exchanges. When I was a teen and in my early 20s my friends and I would always get each other gifts for birthdays and christmas. The relief when we stopped doing it was immense, I'd never realised it until we stopped doing it but once we'd all grown up and moved out of home it was an unnecessary expense and hassle. It was something we all felt very happy to have gotten past and we all expressed a wish that we'd called a halt to it several years before we did. I prefer to just do gifts for family and my husband. For friends I think it's best to save it for big events like 30ths or 40ths, weddings and new babies.

Last year a new friend gave me a birthday present for the first time and I was really not happy about it. I would never have reacted to her in the same way that your friend did. I acted all pleased but inside I was left feeling trapped by it. I mentioned it to a different friend, without saying I wasn't happy and her immediate reaction was commiseration as she hates getting gifts from friends for the same reason. So imo, an awful lot of people prefer not to receive birthday and christmas gifts, even when they act pleased they can actually be left feeling fed up.

I don't think you did anything wrong or inappropriate. One thing that might have made her reaction worse was that you said it before hand. If you'd not said anything until you gave it to her and she saw it was a cheap gag gift straight off and maybe not been annoyed. By telling her you had gotten her a present in advance it possibly made her worry you had gotten her something expensive and were building it up. Either way she should not have been so rude in the way she reacted.

Esoteric_

I think she was the one who was rude tbh.

I have some friends from work and some people I'd chat to but not really hang out with. I have one particular colleague who I'll always have great chats with, talking about personal stuff, but we never hang out outside of work, except at parties held by work staff, where everyone comes. Today, I knew he was stuck for cash and had no butter or milk or anything, so I bought him some butter, milk, bread and chocolate. He sure as hell didn't react like your colleague. He tried to refuse out of guilt, but was really grateful and gave me a big hug and kiss to say thanks, and we don't even hang out outside of work!

I think you were being really sweet and friendly and, whatever her reasons, she was a cow.

flowerchild

Lollipops23 wrote: »

That's ridiculous. It's the social norm to get the people you care about a gift for their birthday. If the girl feels weird about it, that's fine, but it is unusual to react to someone giving you something in the way she did. If she has an issue she needs to explain it, instead of being incredibly hurtful and insulting to someone who was doing something nice for her.

Maybe she just didn't want to have the relationship extend into gift-giving territory. Saying no should always be OK. It's a really important thing to be able to do. And saying that she is 'a cow' or 'ungrateful' or 'rude' - I'm not saying you said these things - is really saying that saying no is off limits, and I think that's a pity.

Firetrap

Maybe calling her a cow is a bit strong but she was certainly disingenuous and ungrateful. I don't blame the OP for feeling embarrassed and hurt. This girl has made her feelings clear. I don't know how the OP has handled things since then but I know if I was in her shoes, I'd be pulling right back. No more DVD watching, no more chats etc. It's not one bit nice to have a nice gesture like that thrown back in one's face.

sharper

Receiving gifts probably makes her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. The expense really isn't the issue at all. If you enjoy being friends with her continue to do so, her reaction wasn't ideal but you may be able to tease out why she feels that way in the future.

Firetrap

It's a bit extreme though, is it not? I mean, it was only a cheap trinket out of Penneys, not something from Tiffany's.

iguana

Firetrap wrote: »

It's a bit extreme though, is it not? I mean, it was only a cheap trinket out of Penneys, not something from Tiffany's.

Far, far, far less extreme than your advice to end the friendship because she didn't want a gift.

I am a friend

Firetrap wrote: »

It's a bit extreme though, is it not? I mean, it was only a cheap trinket out of Penneys, not something from Tiffany's.

Absolutely... Such a big deal over a gesture - that girl has issues!!

R.D. aka MR.D

I think it's easy to let yourself get carried away by work friendships because you spend so much time together. But as another poster says you should just learn to keep work friendships just that work friends.

It sounds like she was very rude though. She could have always just said 'oh thats so nice, thanks so much but i wish you hadn't, it wasn't necessary'. Then after you gave her the present she could have just kindly said thanks again and said- 'i hope you won't be expecting anything on your birthday, i only give family birthday presents or some other reason'. There is a way to say no and put your foot down without being rude.

I'm sure if she had of done that you wouldn't have been so annoyed by it.

But it's a hard lesson to learn about being friends with some one at work. Usually it doesn't work out.

flowerchild

The posters are concentrating on her behavior and on the whole simply being critical. But there may be real benefit in looking at yourself and the issue of boundaries. How good are you at sensing what is appropriate? Do you take a 'no' well and seque into a slightly different but still good relationship? Maybe play with that and see what happens.

Firetrap

iguana wrote: »

Far, far, far less extreme than your advice to end the friendship because she didn't want a gift.

I typed the previous message in a hurry and forgot to type down the next bit. Mea culpa - I can see how now my post could have been interpreted in that way.

I don't think the OP should end the friendship or anything but to roll it back. Still be nice to her and all that but none of the closer stuff that they had done like the DVDs and the chats. We can agree to disagree on this matter but I think this girl's reaction to a small gesture says a lot about how she feels about their friendship.

sharper

I am a friend wrote: »

Absolutely... Such a big deal over a gesture - that girl has issues!!

Yes. People have all sorts of issues and being friends with them means not making a big deal out of them. According to the OP the only thing the friend demonstrated was an odd facial expression which may well have been nothing more than her own embarrassment/anxiety.

CyberJuice

shes a nut,find a new friend, bar her from your home and any future social dealings