Just a few question(s) I have

LegacyUser

I fell out with a very close friend a few months ago and on parting she said some things that at the time didn’t bother me- but lately they have started to creep into my head- its not that these bother me in any way or that they affect my life, but as a woman I think too much and they have started to creep in.


1.She said my fiancé and I (together 8 years, living together /engaged 7 years) are not a real couple as we don’t have kids.

She is 25 and has 2 kids (by choice), I am 26 and have none (by choice). I have chosen not to have kids because I know a lot of women who at 40 (and had kids at 18) that have gone mad drinking and whoring around and they have said its because they had kids too young - and I don’t want that for me or my kids, so I planned to enjoy myself in my 20s so when im older I wont regret my kids for my wasted youth (as the women I mentioned earlier have done)

2.Because my hubby and I enjoy time apart that means we hate each other!!

Her and her partner work together- live together- go out together, spend every second together, and because my hubby and I don’t do that it means we hate each other. We both work, I go out with the girls / he goes out with the guys. He visits his parents alone and with me, and I do the same with mine. (His family live miles away and he stays over) We spend about 2 nights a week away from each other so we can see our friends/ family. But apparently it’s unhealthy and it means we hate each other.

However It works for us and makes us appreciate our time together more

3.Because we don’t have sex every day we are going to split up

We enjoy sex- and im not going to lie we don’t do it much, it’s few and far between… but we would rather sit together and chat and laugh together than ravish each other. The urge does take us now and then and recently we had an all nighter which has not happened in about 3 years, we don’t feel the need to physically prove our love as we do it in other ways, we have our own little things that no one else knows and that only we appreciate

I told this friend very private things (hence why the questions are personal) and when we fell out she threw them at me. I’ve put forward what she said and my reasons for doing what she said and I would like people’s ideas

LegacyUser

To be honest, it seems to me like she said all these things in anger. I would not give them another thought if I were you.

I don't think you have to justify your lifestyle choices to anyone. If it works for you and your partner, then that is all that matters. However, I think your relationship sounds completely normal and healthy. This is how it is for me and my partner:

I am in my 30s and myself and my fiance do not have kids (by choice). We are most definitely a "real" couple!
We do not spend every waking moment together and I think this is very healthy. Each of us has our own hobbies/interests. We often go out with friends as a couple but sometimes individually too. Having time apart, makes time spent together more precious for us.
And we definitely don't have sex every day. It is not the be all and the end all. It is not the only thing that makes a relationship. We enjoy sex, but we also enjoy going for long walks, dinners out, romantic chats, curling up on the couch watching movies, dancing, laughing, being silly etc etc.

Don't mind your friend. If you are happy with the way your relationship is working, then don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

ongarboy

I believe people who are genuinely happy with their lot and situation do not feel the need to criticise or insult others about their situations. The fact that your former friend said those negative things to you implies to me that her "perfect" relationship and situation is far from it. She possibly envies and resents the success of your relationships with your OH and hence why she tries to undermine it.

From what you described, you seem to have a very healthy, vibrant relationship with your OH where you love each other's company but are both also independent and confident enough in your own selves and trustworthy of eachother that you can both happily spend time apart also without suspicion or doubt as to what the other is up to. My guess is that your former mate resents this as she herself is needy or dependent and is possibly suspicious as to what her OH is up to if he is not visible at all times.


There is no one sole type of successful relationship nor should you have to conform to other peoples notions of what constitutes one. You and your OH are happy - embrace this, forget about what she said and move on. Focus on making new friends who do not try to undermine you and your happiness.

ibarelycare

Why do you need other people to comment on your relationship? As long as you're happy then why does it matter what other people think?

curlzy

LOL, OP, just sit back and give it a while. That nightmare of a relationship, (spending 24/7 together, thinking you need sex every day to be a real couple and feeling incomplete without kids) is going to implode given time. It sounds very very very unhealthy. So yeah I'd say she threw all that out in anger but if you think about it, it's just her justifying her life choices to herself, what 26 year old wants 2 kids and a partner that's they see 24/7? NONE. So yeah don't let that bitch take up anymore of you head space. She probably feels trapped to bits and is also very clingy, that mix doesn't lead to happiness.

I'm with my bf 5 years, we work separately, have sex couple of times a week usually, have different interests and different friends as well as shared ones and we are a very strong couple. So yeah don't let her taint how you see yourself and your boyfriend, if nothing else that's unfair on your boyfriend!!! Enjoy your lovely relationship, free of kids for as long as you want and leave her to her 1950s housewife's dream.

tenchi-fan

1. They're only together for the kids.
2. She's so insecure she's with her husband the whole time and doesn't give him any space.
3. She uses sex as a crutch..

Look none of this is true, but I just twisted your friends situation and made it sound negative.

I think your friend is a master of being manipulative. She took your perfectly normal situation and made you feel insecure about it. And it seems to have worked!

Neyite

Your friend is an idiot. And probably envious to a certain extent and trying to make herself feel better about her life choices. It sounds like she is trying to convince herself here, to be honest.

You have a great relationship, you are your own persons independent of each other, and have freedom, hobbies and interests. She has soley him as her relationship, hobby, worklife, sexlife, homelife, and if they broke up all of that would be affected.

What do you even talk about to someone who is around you 24/7?

"I watched a great movie last night"
"yeah, I know, I was there.
"Guess what happened at work today"
"I know, I was there"

The only thing that they probably can talk about is other people. Sad.

Overheal

Sounds like she's trying to attack you as a defense mechanism for her own problems. That is, if she can successfully convince herself your marriage/engagement is dysfunctional, then hers is not.

The 3 things you list seem like very healthy relationship choices, actually. Surprised you haven't gotten hitched yet. Congrats.

King of Kings

She was just mouthing off - chances are she doesn't actually feel that but said things to purposely hurt or undermine you.

But once you're happy and content - do you care what others think of your choices - which are fine (although see below)

Overheal wrote: »

Sounds like she's trying to attack you as a defense mechanism for her own problems. That is, if she can successfully convince herself your marriage/engagement is dysfunctional, then hers is not.

The 3 things you list seem like very healthy relationship choices, actually. Surprised you haven't gotten hitched yet. Congrats.

come now...Number 2 is quite normal but the reasoning behind it is bizarre to say the least.