Self esteem, I don't feel good enough

LegacyUser

Hi all. Usually I'm quite a confident person in most areas in life. Socially, among friends, with strangers, at work etc. For some reason though when it comes to women, I never really feel worthy. I was dumped by my gf of two years in June. She was really gorgeous but for some reason I always thought I was just some kind of stopgap for her while she was looking for something better. I never deemed myself good enough for her, or good looking enough. I think my lack of confidence with her and lack of self-esteem eventually just turned her off me completely, and when I was dumped, I was kind of pleased in a peculiar type of way, as it seemed like my prophecy was being fulfilled.
Any long term gf I've had has been very good looking and they always have told me the same about myself. The reality is (sorry for sounding smug etc but believe me it's only because I'm doing this anonymously), I work out a lot, I have a men's fitness type physique, and I am told regularly that I am very good looking, by men and women. I get eyed up all the time when I go out and on the tube etc, my ex used to point this out to me all the time. It used to be suggested to me in the past that I should be a model etc. I am now 31.
The thing is when I look in the mirror I just feel a kind of self-loathing and disgust. Not all the time but it happens a fair bit and I don't think this should be happening at all. I think it's seriously holding me back when it comes to women, because even with average looking girls I still feel this "oh she could do much better than me she wouldn't be interested" inside me, when I'm talking to them in bars etc.
I'm not hung up on looks at all, but I do like my girlfriends to be attractive, as we all do.
I just don't understand why I have zero confidence in myself, why I think I'm unworthy. I need help in this department.
Can someone suggest anything I can do, just to be like a normal person? Thanks.

wylo

Ok this is going to be a weird somewhat philosophical answer , but I used think like that , and I got myself out of it through a bout of honesty. I was going to suggest that you PM me but that aint allowed which is fair enough.
I realise Ill probably sound like a mad man to alot of people here, but believe it or not Ive done my research regarding the neuroscience aspect of all this.

When you say you have low self esteem, what exactly is the self you are referring to?
The reason I asked that is that you may be open to the possibility that there is no "self" as such. Yes there is a human experiencing thoughts, but when the human thinks about their self, they are only conceptualizing.

My point is , you know full well those thoughts are complete nonsense, but you are believing them because you believe they are referring to something real, and this results in "self loathing". If you can crack the belief you can instantly spot those thoughts as complete nonsense, and can effectively improve your life considerably.

Its a bit like CBT, only with CBT you are replacing bad beliefs for good beliefs. Im talking about getting rid of beliefs altogether.

I wrote this before...
http://theselfisfalse.blogspot.com/p/what-do-i-do.html

This whole way of thinking isnt for everyone, it doesnt make much sense to alot of people, especially people that are happy in themselves. BUT, it can sometimes make sense to people like yourself who believe in thoughts like that.

Anyway, I just said Id throw it out there.

The Aspirations Coach

Hi,

The feelings of 'who am I to believe I can have that' and 'I'm not good enough' are really really common. It can seem to be a huge problem, especially when you're confident in other areas of your life.
I agree with you that getting dumped was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You have this belief about yourself when it comes to women and we always want to be right about what we believe so we will behave in ways to confirm our belief.

The thing is that we're not born with beliefs, we learn them throughout our lives based on our experiences and our response to our experiences. This is great because anything you learn, you can unlearn.

Bottom line is as long as you continue to choose to believe that you're not good enough, you won't be. I know that sounds quite harsh but I've worked with a lot of people on this same issue. My suggestion would be to decide that you are a fantastic partner and any woman would be lucky to have you. Adopt this as a belief and from this viewpoint, look at your past relationships and find the evidence to support this new belief. Two years is a long time to spend with someone so I have no doubts whatsoever that you must have been a great partner. You may not have been able to see your strengths because you weren't looking for them, you were focusing on 'when is she going to realise she could do better'. I know it sounds strange, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about

As a starting point, I know that this will help but you may want to think of getting extra support as it can be difficult to think outside your own head!!

Best of luck

flowerchild

b1acksw4n wrote: »

Hi all. Usually I'm quite a confident person in most areas in life. Socially, among friends, with strangers, at work etc. For some reason though when it comes to women, I never really feel worthy. I was dumped by my gf of two years in June. She was really gorgeous but for some reason I always thought I was just some kind of stopgap for her while she was looking for something better. I never deemed myself good enough for her, or good looking enough. I think my lack of confidence with her and lack of self-esteem eventually just turned her off me completely, and when I was dumped, I was kind of pleased in a peculiar type of way, as it seemed like my prophecy was being fulfilled.
Any long term gf I've had has been very good looking and they always have told me the same about myself. The reality is (sorry for sounding smug etc but believe me it's only because I'm doing this anonymously), I work out a lot, I have a men's fitness type physique, and I am told regularly that I am very good looking, by men and women. I get eyed up all the time when I go out and on the tube etc, my ex used to point this out to me all the time. It used to be suggested to me in the past that I should be a model etc. I am now 31.
The thing is when I look in the mirror I just feel a kind of self-loathing and disgust. Not all the time but it happens a fair bit and I don't think this should be happening at all. I think it's seriously holding me back when it comes to women, because even with average looking girls I still feel this "oh she could do much better than me she wouldn't be interested" inside me, when I'm talking to them in bars etc.
I'm not hung up on looks at all, but I do like my girlfriends to be attractive, as we all do.
I just don't understand why I have zero confidence in myself, why I think I'm unworthy. I need help in this department.
Can someone suggest anything I can do, just to be like a normal person? Thanks.

I am not a psychologist, nor have I studied psychology, so this is just my thoughts, not professional advice.

There are several ways you can go on this.

First, simply notice the thoughts of self-hatred and loathing and acknowledge them "oh yes, the old I'm not good enough story. Thank you mind!" then let them go, like a leaf travelling past in a stream. This is an approach advocated in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (called ACT) of which Russ Harris is a leading proponent. The philosophy is that disputing the thoughts isn't necessarily halpful and it risks a feeling of battling oneself. Instead accept that these thoughts occur, are in fact very common amongst a wide range of people, and simply let them pass rather than being 'hooked' by them.

The second option if you feel that you are attractive, but still feel self-loathing when you look at the mirror, is to say that it is about how you feel about yourself on the inside. Work consciously at being a 'good' person, kind to others, both in front of them and behind their backs. As you do this consistently you may feel better about yourself, specifically, more worthy of a great life partner, as you rearrange your ideas about yourself to fit this behaviour. (I'm presuming it's new, but perhaps you do this all the time now.)

You could also, as another option, seek out 'below par' women, according to your own standards, and reduce your anxiety about whether you are 'good enough'. That is, if your criteria is about their external looks.

Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

The Aspirations Coach wrote: »

Hi,

The feelings of 'who am I to believe I can have that' and 'I'm not good enough' are really really common. It can seem to be a huge problem, especially when you're confident in other areas of your life.
I agree with you that getting dumped was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You have this belief about yourself when it comes to women and we always want to be right about what we believe so we will behave in ways to confirm our belief.

The thing is that we're not born with beliefs, we learn them throughout our lives based on our experiences and our response to our experiences. This is great because anything you learn, you can unlearn.

Bottom line is as long as you continue to choose to believe that you're not good enough, you won't be. I know that sounds quite harsh but I've worked with a lot of people on this same issue. My suggestion would be to decide that you are a fantastic partner and any woman would be lucky to have you. Adopt this as a belief and from this viewpoint, look at your past relationships and find the evidence to support this new belief. Two years is a long time to spend with someone so I have no doubts whatsoever that you must have been a great partner. You may not have been able to see your strengths because you weren't looking for them, you were focusing on 'when is she going to realise she could do better'. I know it sounds strange, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about

As a starting point, I know that this will help but you may want to think of getting extra support as it can be difficult to think outside your own head!!

Best of luck

Thank you all for your kind responses. I don't choose to believe I'm not good enough, it just seems to be etched into my subconscious. I know that on paper I'm a really good catch, and I'm certainly as good as any of my peers who are in good relationships and respect themselves.
I did learn my lesson, the hard way, with this girl, who I loved dearly, and now I'm alone and I'll never see her again. That got me so down for the last few months but I'm trying my best to get better, and feel better about myself. I think maybe the girl was probably the worst type of gf I could have had, she didn't give me back half as much as I put in, never told me she loved me, not once, etc so I was always anxious and worried. Not attractive I know but at the time I just didn't have the strength to be myself and let things flow.

My first love, ended in a similar way, probably due to my stupid esteemless behaviour. I thought I had learned my lesson with her, and a few years later I met someone and things were perfect, I had my own life, I looked out for myself as no 1 while still loving my girlfriend, and everything was great. I had to leave her for other reasons, but this last one was the only girl I connected with properly since her. But I was back being my needy self again.

I'm reading Eckhart Tolle books, The Power of Now, and A New Earth and his way of thinking and being are very helpful. So I think it will be a long process but I'm hoping eventually I'll come out of it a strong person ready for an equal relationship. Has anyone else ever overcome this kind of thing? Thanks.

wylo

Ok man, listen I was exactly where you are , if you do what I posted above it will save you practicing tolles stuff.

Tolle is a great writer, but he doesnt concentrate on the one simple thing enough, even though he mentions it quite a bit, and thats the no self bit.

BUT, if thats too weird for you, maybe read Tolle first then go back to the link I left because it wont seem as weird when you realise hes saying the same thing Im saying. Im just cutting the fat and getting straight to the root of it.

If all that is too much , then heres my last bit of advice.

Spot your thoughts, and check if they are true. Thoughts create the nonsense. So challenge them, dont try and replace them with "i am great thoughts", thats just more belief that can potentially fall away.

Challenge the thought, find out where it is true.

You are correct in your OP, those thoughts are holding you back from living the life you should be living.

If I could promote the idea of checking if theres a self and then crack the belief on every thread here I would, but I cant Id only get banned for being preachy, id imagine.

What I can tell you is this, crack this, and then you've a ticket to actually sorting out the crap.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I feel kind of similar to you. I was told all the time, I have a great body, great looks etc. I hated the compliments. In fact over the years they have really made me feel bad about myself rather than good. I don't value looks highly (but like yourself you like someone nice to look at). I feel personality, a great sense of humour are all more important. My self esteem did take a hit and anytime I was with someone I liked I felt that I couldn't live up to how people saw me.

In any case you really need to take a step back, learn to love yourself and be comfortable with who you are. You need to decide what you want in a partner and go for it. obviously the girls you've been dating havem';t had much going on. grab another hobby, diversify and meet different types of people. something where you;re not just out in a bar and looks and winks are all there is to go on.

You have a lot going for you, a lot of people aren't blessed with looks so use this to your advantage but it doesn't define who you are. Take control and be the person you want to be.

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

Spot your thoughts, and check if they are true. Thoughts create the nonsense. So challenge them, dont try and replace them with "i am great thoughts", thats just more belief that can potentially fall away.

Challenge the thought, find out where it is true.

You are correct in your OP, those thoughts are holding you back from living the life you should be living.

wylo wrote: »

Spot your thoughts, and check if they are true. Thoughts create the nonsense. So challenge them, dont try and replace them with "i am great thoughts", thats just more belief that can potentially fall away.

Challenge the thought, find out where it is true.

You are correct in your OP, those thoughts are holding you back from living the life you should be living.

This!

Thought control is the key foundation to improving your self-esteem, so you need to identify which thoughts are real and which are false.

Say for example you have a negative idea about yourself (like say you call yourself lazy) analyze it and see if there is any truth to it. If so, just change it, if not you have identified a negative thought.

If you change negative behaviors, you can easily replace negative thoughts with positive ones (eg, by becoming active, everytime you call you call yourself lazy, you can instantly say to yourself “no that’s being harsh as I am now active”.

Good luck Op, Positive behavior makes positive thought.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. But at least you have recognised the problem so you are halfway there to resolving it...and as they say you can at least fake it until you make it.
Alot of those popular psychology books are a waste of time to be honest. It's all very well telling someone to love themselves and think they are great - you might even start to do this - but you probably won't believe it, deep down.
Sorry for getting personal - (well I suppose this is a personal issues thread!) but what was your relationship with your mother like? I don't believe in all of the Freudian psychosexual stuff - but I really think that the relationship that we have with our parents is a stencil for future relationships...
You may have had a good relationship with your mother - but she may have not been physically affectionate with you e.g. hugs, or perhaps she never explicitly told you she loved you, even if she did and demonstrated it through her actions. A child is extremely sensitive to any, even unintentional, disapproval coming from their parents, so it can have a significant effect later in life.
It may not be the answer to your issue but it is definitely worth considering, and if there were issues there - no matter how small, the good news is that you can solve your problem. You can work with a counsellor - or alone - and identify any potential flaws in the relationship you had with her, and recognise them, become conscious of them, so that you stop subconsciously projecting them onto your future relationships. We tend to relive unresolved issues - you are subconsciously seeking out partners who are not worthy because somewhere along the line you felt this was all you deserved. It is a self fulfilling prophecy.
I hope this makes sense, best of luck.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Eckhart Tolle is great for explaining the "why", but he doesn't really cover the "how". For that you should check out Byron Katie - http://www.thework.com - lots of stuff on youtube, you don't need to buy her books. The books are just transcripts of her doing the questions with people.