The Rebounds.. do they work?

Podgers

im out of a 9 year relationship with my ex, we were engaged and due to get married next year, after coming home from cyprus the following week she got friendly with a guy, i was ok with it for a bit but then it got intense, she was texting him day and night, saying she had alot in common with him and he is only a friend, this girl would go mental at me for even talking to a girl and i found it hard to accept why it was ok for her but not me, anyway i ended the relationship and she blamed me for over reacting, even though people have been telling me otherwise.

when we started going out her ex used to ring her all the time but she wouldnt pretend i was there or she was with me. i asked her why and she said that she didnt want to hurt his feelings, and now im that person.

to cut a long story short its been 3 months from ending it i found out she has been more than friends but only from a few weeks after the relationship ended. im happy for here even after how she made me feel.

so is it possible for someone to get over some one so quickly after such a long time?

gmac102

no way imo hes was/is a distraction

however she feels about you now, you once meant something to her, that cant be wiped in such a short amount of time

LegacyUser

I can't believe anything from your ex's side was innocent. When you are in a relationship that long you usually are commited to it, and to behave like that is not on. You just don't contact an ex and pretend your boyfriend is not in the room with her. The likelyhood is she was hoping something would rekindle with him and when you gave her the boot that's exactly what she did. Good ridance I say. Now you just need to get out and about yourself and get drunk and find yourself a new woman.

LegacyUser

It depends if she ever loved you to the same degree that you love her.

In this case, chances are she had dealt with her emotions of no longer loving you long before the breakup came about, and so maybe she's been dealing with the end of this relationship for a long time and done her grieving so it's easier for her to move on in what seems to you to be a short time.

LegacyUser

just read your other posts here and I'm afraid man you're being taken for a mug. There is nothing innocent about your ex's behaviour. I think you need to accept that she was cheating and leave it at that. She is not a good person and you will find someone who appreciates you for who you are. To deny you were there when her ex used to call was totally wrong and shows she still held his feelings in higher regard than your feelings.

Wibbs

asdfdf wrote: »

In this case, chances are she had dealt with her emotions of no longer loving you long before the breakup came about, and so maybe she's been dealing with the end of this relationship for a long time and done her grieving so it's easier for her to move on in what seems to you to be a short time.

This. Very common in my experience. After 9 years even more likely I'd reckon. She likely dialed out of the relationship a good while ago. At some point in the last year a switch was thrown in her head and after that it was a waiting game. If you think back chances are the signs were there. You just missed or ignored them. For future ref it's a good plan IMHO to examine this and see if you can spot when it happened and why. Usually it's something that comes up every time you argued, even if the argument was over something else. Spotting it in the past can help you spot it in the future and repair the situation before it gets out of hand. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it though. It happened and you learn from it.

Podgers wrote:

when we started going out her ex used to ring her all the time but she wouldnt pretend i was there or she was with me. i asked her why and she said that she didnt want to hurt his feelings, and now im that person.

Again common enough. How people deal with things in past relationships and how they end them is usually how they'll deal with you when yours ends. Again in my experience its almost a rule. With "overlappers"* it's damn near a given.

to cut a long story short its been 3 months from ending it i found out she has been more than friends but only from a few weeks after the relationship ended.

That might be true, but look back on when you started. Where you more than friends before she told him it was over? If so, then history may have repeated itself.

this girl would go mental at me for even talking to a girl and i found it hard to accept why it was ok for her but not me

And the answer is? For me it would be that most people view the world exclusively through their own worldview and what they would do in a given situation. IE "If I was talking with a member of the opposite sex it would usually mean I was interested, therefore if my partner is, they must be interested".

Anyway, regardless of all that, she's made her choice and left. If someone leaves let them go. Though you ended it, I strongly suspect she had already left and would have ended it herself, or more likely wound you up even further so she didn't have to do the dirty work. It's a hell of an emotional wrench for you after 9 years and you're gonna have to process that for a time. But you will and you'll grow from it, if you let yourself.

Hopefully she's not in your life so much. This will help. If you're still in regular contact I'd knock that on the head. It'll do you no good. Reconnect with your life. Get reconnected with friends and social outlets you may have let slip when you were in a couple. Create new social outlets if possible. Be single again. This won't be easy, but soon enough you'll be over the worst of it and moving forward.







*People who can't leave one relationship until another is lined up. They want a smooth handover and transition of their emotions onto another. More common in, but not exclusive to the ladies. More social pressure on them to be in a relationship.

Podgers

asdfdf wrote: »

It depends if she ever loved you to the same degree that you love her.

In this case, chances are she had dealt with her emotions of no longer loving you long before the breakup came about, and so maybe she's been dealing with the end of this relationship for a long time and done her grieving so it's easier for her to move on in what seems to you to be a short time.

you could be right, when i look back at it now she did withdraw from going to alot of family events etc and we only did things when it suited her. she would make out she is sick or not feeling well, she was like that at the start but it seemed to get worse. my counselor said she has victim syndrome, every place she worked she fell out with management etc, had no friends and never made an effort, untill this guy came about.

anyway i didnt take much notice as she wanted to have children, and how we were going ahead with the wedding etc.

Podgers

unfortunately i have to pass her appartment every day to work, yesterday i met the two of them leaving the house, a week ago when she was collecting the rest of her stuff she was feeling sorry for herself having to live in town on her own. i was feeling bad but not now also the mortage is in both our names, lucky enough for me the site was a gift from my parents and the mortage is only fresh so its not worth selling.

i think i fantasized on the same idea of having children because it was also something she wanted, she wanted them young but i wanted security of a job and a house first. She says this is one of the reasons she lost interest in me, this guy is alot younger than us, no job and lives between her and his parents.

and thanks very much for the responses.

i accept it wasnt working, i felt sorry for her because she had no one other than me. i feel angry with her dishonesty but mainly angry with myself avoiding to accept that the relationship was not working for me and not taking heed of the all the alarm bells.

pilph

I have some experience similar to yours podgers & it's not pretty stuff.

All I can say is don't do anything rash. I mean I don't see any problem with getting out there and meeting new people but probably the worst mistake is to jump into something serious again.

Is there someone you are interested in or anything? Also, sorry to hear about her moving on so soon, but what can I say, this happens and people make strange decisions. At some point she may regret it.

parrai

In my opinion, you had a lucky escape...

I would just say one thing, you said when she was on the phone that she wouldn't pretend you were there, you shouldn't have allowed this to happen.

Anyone who cared about you wouldn't do this kind of thing, in my opinion, even if she didn't want to hurt him... She would have been upfront with him.

Podgers

thanks all,

im meeting new people and gaining confidence with women again more so in a friendly way, i dont have any in mind and dont plan to for awhile, im going to take time to enjoy being me for once and be happy being myself. i have a better understanding of what i want and what to watch out for, no matter how long it takes. after breaking up i did want someone, anyone i guess it was the company of a girl being at my side.

im a bit of a pushover and you could say im too nice and need to be demanding to get what i want from a relationship.