Figuring myself out

LegacyUser

I am trying to figure out why I act the way I do and how I got to where I am now.

I have been depressed not long ago and may well be redeveloping the symptoms of that serious depression. Why was I depressed? I am a leaving cert student. A lack of any sort of social life, lack of money in the family and school pressure among many other things in my life drove me to a complete mental breakdown followed closely by academic failure.

I spent last summer rehabilitating myself. I moved out of home to my Dad's place where I could find a bit more peace and a place to think. I went to a few counselling sessions too. I suppose by the end of the summer I was alright but that summer was by far the worst period of my life.

I'm not devoid of a social life completely. I have a few friends (although they have no idea whatsoever how I have felt or feel now) and I get on alright with others in school, however I can't help but feel I'm putting on a facade each day covering up what I really feel deep down.

I don't help my depression in any way. I go home each day to do nothing,I sit at my desk and do nothing. I NEVER do homework and I don't go to sleep until the early hours. I go out as often as possible but I don't always get that many chances.

But why do I do this to myself? I'm only exacerbating my depression. I wouldn't be overconfident in saying I am quite a naturally intelligent person and I do quite well in tests and have achieved in years past. But that's really it, I don't have skills or talents to fall back on. So if I'm good at ONE thing why would I let it waste?

Why do I even let myself be depressed? I'm not worried about money, I'll get by, I have potential in school and I've come to terms with any difficulties in the family. I suppose I still majorly lack in social life but I'm very aware of that and never try to deny myself opportunities to rectify that.

To be honest I'm very scared of my depression. I have felt to a tremendous degree the effect it can have on me and I'm feeling a certain amount right now. I'm afraid of not knowing how long it will stay with me, I feel as if its roots are very deep in me now, and I'm afraid of how it will affect me in the future.

This is all a journey of figuring out who I am now, nobody else sees me for who I really am. This all started so long ago and its still my struggle to deal with it. I can't say anything in my life has ever been harder. It is my aim to figure this out and try my best to overcome it so I can have a future, but there's a lot of work to be done, and to be quite honest it is overwhelmingly difficult to summon the strength to begin.

Thank you for reading.

fiona12

Go speak to your GP, depression is not going to dissapear by itself it will get worse if left untreated. If treated properly, there is a good chance that you will never struggle with depression again. If you cannot go to your GP, speak to one of your teachers at school.

It sounds to me that you need help and you are to afraid to ask for it. You would be amazed at the help you can get if you just speak up.

REMEMBER, YOU HAVEN'T CHOSEN TO BE DEPRESSED, IT WAS NOT YOUR CHOICE AND IT IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, BUT YOU DO NEED HELP.

Please pm me your location and I will send you some information

LegacyUser

Thanks,
I actually had been receiving counselling to the point where I felt I could manage on my own again. I'm returning in November and I think I may have to return regularly.
This is why I'm so afraid of it. I thought that I had it treated but obviously it was still lurking only just below the surface.
And you say that I shouldn't feel ashamed of it, well maybe I shouldn't but you must understand how it feels.

Ickle Magoo

fiona12, by all means direct the OP towards helpful literature or contacts but please do not request posters send you their private details.

Many thanks.