What to do....12 years married and time to call it??

LegacyUser

I am not sure what to do. I have been married for the last 12 years, in my late thirties and we have 3 wonderful kids. We have been having relationship issues on/off the last 2/3 years and its getting to stage were i cannot take it any more. The spark and dare i say love has left our relationship and only for the kids i reckon i would have called it earlier. We have tried counsiling, talking to each other and i am at the stage were i am now miserable but cannot make the brave move to walk away as i do not want to be away from the kids.

I know the OH has been feeling down about things as well and she is suffering with depression which does not help circumstances. On her side there is a complete lack of rommance (prior to the depression before people start calling me a selfish pr!ck) which leaves me feeling unwanted.
Really at a loss of what to do next as the counseling has not worked and even when we have got away for weekends away sure enough things do improve but in a short space of time they return to normal. I feel no strong loving attachment to my wife any more which sounds terrible but i do not want to be in a relationship which is making me feel down, not fair on either of us. Really tempted to have that final chat and make the move but cannot bring myself to do it.

I am a friend

You both need to attend a course of counselling as a matter of urgency.

Chinafoot

I am a friend wrote: »

You both need to attend a course of counselling as a matter of urgency.

concerned11 wrote: »

We have tried counsiling,

They already have.

OP, it sounds like an awful situation and as sad and hard as it is to hear, perhaps it is time to call it a day. Sometimes relationships just don't work out no matter how much you try.

Have you told your wife that you are considering leaving? Do you think that the thought of you actually walking might prompt some sort of action on her part? I am not saying you should issue her an ultimatum but that you should be completely honest about your feelings at the moment.

On the other hand, she could be feeling the same and, like you, is unable to take that step. Is your wife attending a counsellor for her depression?

It really does sound as though you have tried everything so don't feel that you have failed. There is only so much you can do when you are not getting the same amount of effort in return. I don't really know what to say to you. Obviously it is a huge step to take, particularly when there are children involved, but there comes a time when you need to do whats right for you. Your children won't thank you for staying in a miserable marriage. It will affect them. It is far more beneficial for them to have two happy parents apart than two miserable parents together.

Leaving the marriage doesn't mean you won't get to see your children. Only you know how your wife will react but you have the right to see your children and that can be enforced.

I really hope things work out for the best for all involved.

gmac102

I was married for 7 nearly 8 years albeit many years were awful... it took me five years to leave my husband because I was afraid to be a single parent... there was physical abuse for some of the latter years, I know its not relevant to your story I am highlighting how much I needed to get out of my abusive loveless marriage but didnt because of fear.

Fear of the unknown can be crippling, but not one day in the last two years, 3 months and 23 days have I ever regretted it. Dont stay in a marriage that isnt working anymore, you can leave knowing you tried your best to make it work, you gave counseling a shot, weekends away etc

You will still be a major part of your kids lives even if you dont live with them, “It’s better to come from a broken home than to live in one.”


I hope I didnt ramble, Good Luck

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. It's an awful feeling grieving for a relationship while still in it and then having to make that one final leap and actually cutting off the blood supply. 12 years is a long time so of course it's not going to be easy.

I think you would benefit enormously from attending separation counselling, it would be a good place to start to help you prepare...

http://www.relationshipsireland.com/projects/separation-support/#Separationcounselling

Please Kill Me

Sorry to hear this, but I can only echo what others have said. Call it a day! I was with my ex wife for 16 years, and like that, things just fell apart. It dragged on longer than it should have (for the sake of the kids) and I'm sorry it did. I should have made a break sooner!! 6 years on, I'm with a wonderful girl who changed my life and we have an 8 month old daughter. I didn't think my life would continue, never mind get better. But hey....it did!!

LegacyUser

Thanks i guess i need to man up and go for seperation counseling as this is not a healthy lifestyle for myself or the OH, the one thing we try do is keep everything hidden from the kids but kids are not stupid either.
It feels the right thing to do but the kids do play a huge part in it. Toughest thing i have ever gone through in my life.

LegacyUser

concerned11 wrote: »

Thanks i guess i need to man up and go for seperation counseling as this is not a healthy lifestyle for myself or the OH, the one thing we try do is keep everything hidden from the kids but kids are not stupid either.
It feels the right thing to do but the kids do play a huge part in it. Toughest thing i have ever gone through in my life.

Can I ask how long you have given counselling a try for? You say that the romance has gone and left before your wife had depression - I would say the lack of romance was a sign of the oncoming depression. I'm just trying to gauge how much of an effect your wife's illness has had on your relationship - depression can and does break up many marriages, but if the depression can be supported, lots of couples do make it through.

That said, if the love was gone before this, then I guess there's not much you can do bar separation counselling. I'm also genuinely not trying to guilt trip you but if you do decide to break up, please go easy on your wife and consider every option (which i'm sure you will) as it's going to be extremely tough on her now. I'm not a preachy marriage type, but you both made a commitment to each other so you owe it to try and see yourselves through as much of this as you can. You do also owe it to yourself to be happy though and mind your children, so if you do feel like it's not working for the best of both of you, it's right to let go.

I really wish it works out for you all, whatever decision you make.

Greaney

concerned11 wrote: »

Really at a loss of what to do next as the counseling has not worked and even when we have got away for weekends away sure enough things do improve but in a short space of time they return to normal.

Perhaps I'm grasping at straws here but in another 'context' your marriage looks like it could work. One of the other posters suggested that perhaps your time in counceling was a little short. Perhaps there are other elements in your life that are putting pressure on your marriage. The area my sister and brother in law lived in was full of students and noise pollution, it nearly tore them apart until they 'bi-located'.

Marriages are not designed to break up and in fairness men don't usually fare well (although, I worry for your wife). I know you're at a loss, and I assure you, I'm not judging you, but there are techniques to bring marriages back to life. I know they sound corny but studies have shown that when people commit to a programme to change the state of their marriage the chances of success are remarkable. I think they need to be overseen by a councillor who uses the techniques though.

I hope my links give you some ideas, they're not the best but my time on boards 'times out' if I spend too long looking for links.:o

fungun

Speaking to people I know who have done counselling there is a wide range of counselling available. Also a counsellor that one couple will rave about will be the one that another couple thinks is awful and doesnt connect with them at all. Id ask yourself was there other types of counselling you could do and was the last counsellor you had right for you before calling it a day.
Best of luck