Oh so confused...

LegacyUser

Where to start.. Well I've been with my boyfriend for close to 5 years. I'm 24 and he's 26. He's away traveling at the moment until next February. He's already been gone for a few months and in this time I've decided to break up with him... I just have no idea how to do this without destroying him.

I think whats brought me to the decision to break up with him is his talking about the future. He's 100% sure I'm the right person for him and I just don't feel I have the same conviction. We've been together so long, I'm not really sure if I'm being stupid picking fault in something that's actually as good as it gets. I just don't think we have much in common anymore.. And we don't make each other laugh. I didn't even notice this until one day in the car last year one of us said something quite funny and we we're both laughing are heads off and it felt so rare.. There's another even more imaginary quality that I dont think is there between us. I can only describe it as.. if you miss a train while traveling I'm the type of person who feels annoyed for a little bit.. then put on a sunny face and accept it as all part of the journey and who knows maybe we'll meet someone amazing or see something amazing on the next train.. and hey it'l make a great story over beers later. He would be more likely to get annoyed and stay annoyed until something good happens.. and complain about it later over beers.. That in effect is the main subconscious reason he's traveling with friends rather than me right now(and that i have work commitments here at the moment)

But these are all stupid little 'problems' that don't amount to much other than the fact that I want to break up because.. I'm afraid I'll miss the 'right' guy.. Have I just been watching too much romcoms...

Ok to give a balanced picture, the reasons I HAVE been going out with him for the near entirety of my adult life; He's a genuinely really good, nice guy. He's an attractive guy. He's supportive and he cares. He's active, like me. I think I've always missed having active friends, all my girlfriends are more indoorish and all my guy friends are too busy doing crazy stuff for me to tag along swimming playing sports or whatever... We are good friends and I do love him.

Anyway my advice query comes in two forms, am I being unrealistic and should I be focusing and trying to fix a relationship rather than breaking up and hoping that the next guy that comes along is the perfect mix that I'm looking for..

And if this relationship has just run its course how do I tell him that for some vague reasons that he can do nothing about, the person he's been missing so much while traveling is never going to be with him ever again.
I could wait until he gets back but I dont know whats worse, dealing with a breakup abroad without your proper friends and family or finally getting back to your girlfriend after MONTHS of missing her only to breakup and be stuck with no future life plan in a depressing rainy ireland.. With the prevalence of suicide in Ireland its something I may be paranoid about but its my one fear whenever someone close to me seems down or depressed I jump the gun and assume they might do the worst.. Its something I have a small bit of personal experience with so I guess its something I would really think of here.

maxwell smart

I'm not sure fairness comes into relationships. If you think he is not right for you there is only one thing to do.

But before you do have a really good think about things. Its easy to change your view on someone when they are far away (and maybe having a ball without you). Men and women think differently, so the fact that you would both react to missing a train in different ways is a good thing I think. (I know its a metaphor for other things but it goes the same for them).

One thing you said, "we are good friends and I do love him". Hold onto that when you have your doubts, to have a friend and a lover wrapped into one is something very precious, believe me. I have lost my one of those recently and will never recover from it totally.

If you think there is anything there then work work work for it. The next Mr.Right may never come along. And anyway, it sounds like you have your Mr. Right.

Give him the chance to enjoy his trip and when he gets back, give him a little space too. When you are both ready, sit down and tell him you want to take the next step, move in together or something. Maybe you need to hear him commit to you?

Good Luck to you both

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice.

Sorry I sould have mentioned we had been living with each other before he went traveling. I think the thing actually scaring me into making a decsion either way right now is his commitment to our future together. While we've always both been anti-marraige he has jokingly asked me whenever we have(rarely) talked about the future.

I do think living together may have put me off the idea of a 'future' with him. Towards the end we were more like housemates. There slow progress of us cooking and shopping towards me cooking eveything and him being slow to get cutlery together when dinners was ready made me feel more like his mother than anything else.

BraziliaNZ

Yeah sounds like you've gone into friend zone and you're not attracted to him much anymore. If I put myself in his shoes, I'd rather know while I am away, or else the misery of being home from travelling and then being dumped, might be a bit much. And travelling is a great opportunity to hook up with new people etc so you're also denying him of this right now.
You need to be clear to him that there is NO WAY you are going to ever continue the relationship, otherwise he'll be thinking once he gets home he'll be able to sort it out. Just get it over with girl.

diverdad

If you're going to dump him then dump him now.

Whatever about pining for you and finally getting back to your girlfriend after MONTHS of missing her only to breakup and be stuck with no future life plan in a depressing rainy ireland.. (your words) I would on, reflection not feel suicidal.I would feel homocidal.

You'd have him pine for you and then dump him when the opertunity is there for him to get on with his traveling, keep busy, meet new people and generally start to get over you.

Give him the reasons you give here. Leave it at that. Don't try to 'keep up' with his adventures, his travels, whatever on FB or text. Give it a clean break.

Anything less than that and you are not being fair to either of you.
If you for instance met the "Mr. Right" who makes you laugh and ticks all the other boxes but were still tied in LDR you would not feel free to pursue the option. Plus, even as the one initiating the break, you may need recovery time of your own.

If you have doubts about the LDR, then do it now, do it gently but do it cleanly.