Is he lying?

ruboo

I won't go into a lot of other crap that has gone on in this relationship. But, for the past three days my partner has been short, distant and downright rude to me. He just kept telling me there was nothing wrong, and to leave him alone.

Today, out of the blue, he asks me who I have been talking to on FB. I haven't been talking to anyone on FB in a good while, so I tell him that. He then tells me that he saw me on FB on my iphone the other day and I was talking to some half naked guy, doing push ups or something. I had NO idea what he was talking about so I went through my FB history and ALL my FB friends to see if there was anyone with those kind of pictures. I couldn't find any. I explained to him that he probably saw me looking at someone's pictures that they uploaded, but I don't remember them. And I really, really don't. He then tells me that he KNOWS I am lying because apparently I closed out of it when he got closer to me... again, I have NO idea what he is talking about.

The thing is, EVERY week I am being accused of something. Last week, my ex came to drop our daughter off, and all hell broke loose because he 'heard' me talking to him about going over to his house. When I told him he didn't hear that, because that conversation never happened, he told me that someone told him that I go over there, but he refused to tell me who. FACT: I have been in my ex's house TWICE. Once to view it with him because our daughter would be there, and on the day he moved in.

I am pretty sick of this, so a few weeks ago he was flipping through his pics and I noticed three pictures of him posing half naked with our bedroom behind him. I never said a thing because he has a temper and I didn't want to spark anything.
Tonight, I decided enough was enough, and I turned the tables. I asked him about the pictures and I CALMLY asked him why he took them. In all honesty, they look like pictures that you would send to someone to show them what you look like.

He became FURIOUS with me and denied denied denied. So, I told him to go through his folders and I would prove they were there. He went through and conveniently couldn't find them, and as quick as lightning started shutting the computer down. I said 'No.... look again, I KNOW they are there'.

Now he is even MADDER. He goes back through and he finds them, just like I said. Then he says 'These were taken when I first moved in' and then starts attacking me (not physically). He grabs my iphone and goes through my pictures for ones of me. there are some, but they are all the ones I sent to him. Of course, he now claims he didn't get them. So, I am pissed off and I tell him to enlarge the first picture.

Low and behold, in the background is MY duvet, MY clothes... PROVING that they were taken a few weeks ago.

He FLIPS on me. Starts telling me to **** off and storms out of the room. I go up the stairs after him and he is as the top looking down and tells me not to dare come upstairs for an argument. I tell him I am not looking for an argument, I just want to know why. If it is vanity, that's fine... but why?

Again he tells me to **** OFF and leave him alone and tells me to pick a room because he doesn't want to be around me.

So, here I am. Downstairs. Confused. I have no idea what to do.

Lola92

In short, dump him.

Do you really need to waste your time on someone who is so insecure that they fabricate stories and ways that you may be speaking to other men?
It is not a healthy relationship by the sounds of things. Every couple has their arguments and sometimes moments of jealousy but your bf sounds completely over the top. It can't be a healthy situation for you and especially your daughter to be in.

Miss Fluff

Was your little daughter around for all of this carry on this evening?

ruboo

Lola92 - For all his faults, he is a good person. He is EXTREMELY insecure. I don't want to dump him, I just want him to talk to me like an adult. For example today when he was accusing me of talking to someone on FB, he was in bed, under the duvet, on his iphone. He will not sit and talk to me face to face. He just gets angry and storms out.
MissFluff - thankfully, no. She is with her dad.

parrai

ruboo wrote: »

Lola92 - For all his faults, he is a good person. He is EXTREMELY insecure. I don't want to dump him, I just want him to talk to me like an adult. For example today when he was accusing me of talking to someone on FB, he was in bed, under the duvet, on his iphone. He will not sit and talk to me face to face. He just gets angry and storms out.
MissFluff - thankfully, no. She is with her dad.

Can he be talked to? I mean, can he be reasoned with? If so, tell him what you think as you have written here, straight up... tell you him you want to discuss it in a civil manner...

Lola92

Well if this is not a deal breaker for you then you seriously need to tell him he needs to man up and start acting like an adult. You say he has insecurities, well they are exactly that HIS insecurities and from what you have said they are completely unfounded.

You need to be honest with yourself, are you willing to put up with getting the third degree from him every time you speak to your daughters father/ male friend/colleague or whoever it might be? I know I wouldn't be.

ruboo

Parrai - I don't know if he can be talked to. I have tried and tried and he tells me that this is just how he 'deals with things'. It seems that when I want to talk, or anything, he doesn't. But, if he wants to talk, then by God, I better because he will get angry and start swearing and yelling.
I would like to point out here that no children are present for this.
Lola92 - I know... I really do. I am at my wits end here. We have known each other since we were children and he was my first love. We reconnected as adults, but it seems like he just never learned to discuss things like an adult.
The picture thing is trivial, I know, but I would just like to know why. You know?

amdublin

ruboo wrote: »

Lola92 - For all his faults, he is a good person. He is EXTREMELY insecure. I don't want to dump him, I just want him to talk to me like an adult. For example today when he was accusing me of talking to someone on FB, he was in bed, under the duvet, on his iphone. He will not sit and talk to me face to face. He just gets angry and storms out.
MissFluff - thankfully, no. She is with her dad.

Those naked photos he took does not sound like the actions of a good person.

ruboo wrote: »

Parrai - I don't know if he can be talked to. I have tried and tried and he tells me that this is just how he 'deals with things'. It seems that when I want to talk, or anything, he doesn't. But, if he wants to talk, then by God, I better because he will get angry and start swearing and yelling.
I would like to point out here that no children are present for this.
Lola92 - I know... I really do. I am at my wits end here. We have known each other since we were children and he was my first love. We reconnected as adults, but it seems like he just never learned to discuss things like an adult.
The picture thing is trivial, I know, but I would just like to know why. You know?

Why does it matter "why"?

What matters more is he going to change? Frankly I doubt it.

Corkblowin

ruboo wrote: »

The picture thing is trivial, I know, but I would just like to know why. You know?

I think you know why - how many times would a half-naked photo be necessary in your life? This, together with his defensiveness and accusing you of being unfaithful is only pointing in one direction I'm afraid. It's all circumstantial, but.........

ruboo

amdublin - That's a good question. Why? It matters to me because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want him to tell me that it was vanity. I want him to give me a reasonable explanation. I don't want to find out that they were for someone else who is not me.
I want him to want ME. Selfish as it is, I do.

parrai

ruboo wrote: »

Parrai - I don't know if he can be talked to. I have tried and tried and he tells me that this is just how he 'deals with things'. It seems that when I want to talk, or anything, he doesn't. But, if he wants to talk, then by God, I better because he will get angry and start swearing and yelling.

Without sounding cold hearted, you need to distance yourself from him...
If you want to give it another go, leave him to his own devices, let him come to you... Discuss it with him then as he might have had time to reflect, and be calmer...

Normally I would say forget about... But you seem like you are still keen on him...

If after this, he continues, you have given him the chance...

Really tho, I have a feeling from what you've said, he has issues... And he won't change...

Is it worth going through all this?

Miss Fluff

There are so many elements of this relationship that sound terribly toxic. On top of all that you sound slightly scared of him. How exactly are you benefiting from this relationship?

You also seem to have totally disregarded the fact that he is taking semi naked pictures of himself. If you're not receiving them then someone else is. Does this not eat you up inside?

He is abusive, he is suspicious (all a ruse in my opinion to take the spotlight of himself), he won't deal with the issues at hand and you're afraid of his temper. I get that you've known each other since you were children (he doesn't sound like he has matured much since) but what's actually keeping you with him? He sounds like a knob if you don't mind me saying.

Lola92

ruboo wrote: »

Parrai - I don't know if he can be talked to. I have tried and tried and he tells me that this is just how he 'deals with things'. It seems that when I want to talk, or anything, he doesn't. But, if he wants to talk, then by God, I better because he will get angry and start swearing and yelling.
I would like to point out here that no children are present for this.
Lola92 - I know... I really do. I am at my wits end here. We have known each other since we were children and he was my first love. We reconnected as adults, but it seems like he just never learned to discuss things like an adult.
The picture thing is trivial, I know, but I would just like to know why. You know?

Maybe he saw it as a way of 'getting back' at you? Immature to say the least if that is the case. All I can say is don't keep yourself tied to him just because of history. There comes a point when it's just not worth the hassle any more unfortunately

amdublin wrote: »

Those naked photos he took does not sound like the actions of a good person..

+1

amdublin wrote: »

Why does it matter "why"?

What matters more is he going to change? Frankly I doubt it.

I think even more important is does he see himself why he should change? Does he know why his behaviour is unacceptable from a grown man? It sounds as though he's only short of throwing a tantrum. Honestly can he not speak to you face to face without fidgeting under a blanket?

ruboo

Another thing. When he does have his freak outs, he is always welcome to go through my phone. To go through my emails, my pictures, my laptop. I really do not have a damn thing to hide. I gave up my marriage for him.
He says he has nothing to hide, but a couple of things have happened that makes me think different. I do NOT go through his phone/emails/laptop for the simple reason that he gets completely offended and upset and I don't like creating that animosity.
But, there a few weeks ago he left his iphone open. I glanced at it, GLANCED. If you have an iphone you will know that the main page on your messages lists all the people and then you have to click on it to access the messages. Anyhoo... it was on the main page and I noticed there were damn all messages. We get an itemized bill. There were 10 pages of messages for his phone. It didn't add up. Why is he erasing all these messages? I have not and will not confront him on this.
Another instance was a couple of weeks ago. I grabbed the phone, we were messing about and he got this look of pure panic on his face and demanded the phone back. He was really freaked out. I gave it back and he said 'Sorry for reacting like that, I thought you were going to call my mother'.... WHAT?????

ruboo

Another thing. When he does have his freak outs, he is always welcome to go through my phone. To go through my emails, my pictures, my laptop. I really do not have a damn thing to hide. I gave up my marriage for him.
He says he has nothing to hide, but a couple of things have happened that makes me think different. I do NOT go through his phone/emails/laptop for the simple reason that he gets completely offended and upset and I don't like creating that animosity.
But, there a few weeks ago he left his iphone open. I glanced at it, GLANCED. If you have an iphone you will know that the main page on your messages lists all the people and then you have to click on it to access the messages. Anyhoo... it was on the main page and I noticed there were damn all messages. We get an itemized bill. There were 10 pages of messages for his phone. It didn't add up. Why is he erasing all these messages? I have not and will not confront him on this.
Another instance was a couple of weeks ago. I grabbed the phone, we were messing about and he got this look of pure panic on his face and demanded the phone back. He was really freaked out. I gave it back and he said 'Sorry for reacting like that, I thought you were going to call my mother'.... WHAT?????

ruboo

Missfluff - You are absaloutly correct in saying that I am afraid of his temper. I don't think he would ever harm me, but he gets angry to a point that I do feel fear. THAT is an issue. I don't think he is happy with me, but he won't let me go.
He hardly talks to me and spends ALL day on his iphone. He wont sit on the same sofa as me, he chooses to sit away. When people come over he tells them about all these things that are going on, that I knew NOTHING about because he hasn't conversed with me.
Im just lost. And I don't want this relationship to fail. I really don't.

Miss Fluff

ruboo wrote: »

Im just lost. And I don't want this relationship to fail. I really don't.

You poor thing. Seems to be like you're only staying with him because you left your husband to be with this bloke and are now terrified that this relationship will fail too. Do you think that's the case? If so that is not a good reason enough to stay with him hon. It's bad for you and it's very bad for your little girl

Lola92

ruboo wrote: »

Missfluff - You are absaloutly correct in saying that I am afraid of his temper. I don't think he would ever harm me, but he gets angry to a point that I do feel fear. THAT is an issue. I don't think he is happy with me, but he won't let me go.
He hardly talks to me and spends ALL day on his iphone. He wont sit on the same sofa as me, he chooses to sit away. When people come over he tells them about all these things that are going on, that I knew NOTHING about because he hasn't conversed with me.
Im just lost. And I don't want this relationship to fail. I really don't.

I'm sorry to say this but what you just posted above sounds like it has already failed. Staying in a relationship out of fear whether it be fear of your partners temper or fear of it failing is no reason to stay if you ask me.

dellas1979

Oh my gosh - he is HORRIBLE to you!

You know what he is doing? Clever guy.

I'll tell you what he is doing - his insecurities? He is turning the tables on you because I bet you any money those pics did go somewhere. He is not really capable of dealing with what he has done, so he is projecting it on to you and accusing you.

And you are letting him walk all over you. Jebus. You are so scared of loosing him that you are loosing yourself (and your mind), and saying "oh but he is this and he is that" -almost praising him - is nonsensical and bizarre.

You have your child and yourself to look after. That should be your priority than staying in a ****ty and yes, abusive relationship.

He told you to "**** off" how many times?

beks101

Jesus OP, it was exhausting even reading that.

Why exactly are you with this man?

LegacyUser

Yeah to me it sound suspicious alright. As a man I get the feeling that he might be on AdultFriendFinder or something like it, probably looking for anonymous sex and he's trying to hide it. Semi naked and full frontal photos are all over that site. I will admit I have visited the site but don't use it. Nobody takes semi naked photos of themself to get off on it, its more likely being sent to someone. You say he hasn't dumped you and while he is having is cake and eating it he's not going to either. He sounds immature and you would be better off with a real man. I suggest dumping him. Sorry to say.

Katgurl

Oh god OP get rid. You sound like an extremely tolerant and easy-to-live-with person, you will of course have to mourn the relationship but you will find someone so much better.

A suspicious man (when completely unjustified) is an untrustworthy one and he is making you miserable! How dare he throw accusations, rifle through your stuff and then lose his temper if you ask for an explanation under the circumstances you have described.

This relationship is all about you giving and him taking. He is a liar and a bully.

Walk away. Things won't get better, they'll get worse. And you are setting a terrible precedent for your daughter about the type of man she should be with.

I suspect you are so emeshed in the drama you can't see it. I've been there. I'd be so relieved with my ex when calm would finally prevail that I'd ignore the boggling worries that this wasn't acceptable and continue on.

If you really do believe there is something to salvage then take some time away, two weeks visiting family member or old frends who have known you a ling time. Don't mention necessarily you are having problems, just take the space to breathe and remember who you used to be.

johnr1

Hey OP,
I really feel for what you're going through, - it will be very hard to admit that this relationship is gone- again, but know this for sure, it IS.
He's already left, you just haven't quite caught up.
He may be feeling some guilt for you having left your marriage for him, now that he's figured out it's not you he wants. He may be convincing himself you're cheating in order to be able to live with what he's done or is doing to you.
You alone can't make this relationship succeed, - not when he's looking for a way out.
It will be very hard to face the people who advised you against leaving your marriage behind for this guy, it will be hard to face your ex-husband, it may even be hard to face yourself. But it's gotta be done.
The alternative is to hold on for dear life to someone who is with you out of pity or guilt, all the while he cheats, hates himself, hates you, and your whole life becomes one long misery.
Whatever age you are, whatever your financial circumstances, if you bite down hard now, and call it, you can still meet someone who will excite you, love you, and who won't change his mind as this guy obviously has.
Im sorry to be the author of such a depressing post but this is how I see it from what you wrote.
Good luck.

ruboo

Thank you all for your posts. They are really helping me think about things here.
He came downstairs after a while that night and just started talking to me as though there was nothing wrong. I was even more confused then. That was, until he asked me for a lift to his friends house to pick up one of his guitars.
I told him I didnt want to bring him anywhere, I wanted him to sit down and talk to me. Like an adult. Of course, he wouldn't sit. But, he kind of talked.
He said that I embarrassed the hell out of him when I brought up the pictures. He said that he took them for vanity. He said that there was nothing more to it....

He also told me that it was very 'unnerving' being with someone that left their husband to be with you. I flat out told him then that I was not going to live with that over my head. I can't spend the rest of my life being under constant suspicion just because he is insecure. My ex husband and I had drifted apart YEARS ago, whether or not this relationship had happened, we still would have separated.

Anyway, it kind of got sorted. The next morning I went out to my friends house to surprise her for her birthday. It was early. I told him that I wouldn't be that long, but I wasn't too worried anyway because he doesn't get out of bed most days until about 1-2pm, whereas I am up at 7.30am everyday. I believe that YOU need to show your kids that you are up, dressed, ready to take on the day and all it brings and it is not ok to sleep your life away.
I get to my friends house, and I am having a wonderful time drinking tea and smoking and talking. Before I know it it's 11.30am. I get a a text from him saying 'having fun?'
I tell him yes and I will be home soon.
He tells me not to worry about it, he is not at home.
Now I'm curious. For a couple of reasons. First, like I said... he will NOT get out of bed come hell or high water for me, and also I had the key. He would've bin locked out. So, I ask him where he is?
He ignores me.
I ask again.
He tells me he is meeting a mate.
I ask him why is he being so evasive? Why wont he tell me where he is? (I was more annoyed that at this point he didn't just say 'im in Adams house' or something. He was DELIBERATELY trying to annoy me, and I knew he was)
He finally text back telling me that he was mad at me because I took the keys and he had to leave the front door on the latch all morning.

I smell bullcrap... and a lot of it. I get home. I am PISSED. I knew he hadn't been ANYWHERE, with ANYONE. I knew that he was pissed off because I wasn't at home, because I was out having fun with someone else and he couldn't handle it so he decided, for some reason, to wreck my head.

HE didn't admit it till later, but I was right. He told me later in the day that he did do it to piss me off and he did it to 'get me back' for being gone for so long.

I was actually TOO angry to say anything. What age is he??????????????

I dont need this ****e. Who does?

Firetrap

Leave the bit about you giving up your marriage for this guy. That seems to be colouring your outlook somewhat. Take this relationship on its own merits. Or demerits from what I can see. Are you only staying with him because you feel you have to justify why you left your husband? That you have nowhere else to go?

Honestly, this sounds like a headwreck of a relationship that is making you very unhappy. You're staying with him for all the wrong reasons from what I can see.

ibarelycare

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need to cop on and think of your child in all of this. How can you have your daughter living in the same house as an abusive, tempermental man? No matter about your needs, you need to put her first.

Curry Addict

it sounds like he may be cheating on you. its common for cheaters to be the checker and accusor. maybe he is being purposely antagonistic to create distance between ye and so he can justify it in his own head as being your fault.
at the end of the day, partners are supposed to enhance your life not make you miserable.

I am a friend

Is your child seeing all of this??

gypsy_rose

I am a friend wrote: »

Is your child seeing all of this??

She's already said the child isn't there when this stuff is going on, Miss Fluff asked that already.

WhiteRose90

Why are you still with this guy? In all honesty, I see nothing about him that could be attractive. Accusing you of ridiculous things every week? Sorry but I'd have gotten rid of him long ago. You shouldn't have to put up with someone so insecure that he loses his temper and throws his toys out of the pram over things he's fabricated in his head (from the sound of your OP) that simply aren't true. You deserve much better.