Extract

Robbyn

This is an extract from something I've been working on.
I've been thinking about writing a novel about one central main character, but it being told through a series of short stories, rather than chapters. Similar to James Franco's Palo Alto, but focused on a main character, or Brett Easton Ellis' Rules of Attraction, however, written in a series of different narrative forms. i.e. one "story" or chapter being told in first person, the next in third person, maybe even second person, and from a variety of perspectives of different characters and sometimes an omniscient narrator.

Thoughts?

There's a link to the extract below also, so feedback on that would be appreciated too, although it's out of context I could use feedback on the writing. Thanks.

http://webothcanspeakintongues.tumblr.com/post/11815058986/julien

Kinski

I like your writing style, but you seem to have a tendency to just name the emotions the characters are feeling, rather than implying them through the action. For example, "the driver is turned around looking at him, post-shout, red faced and angry." First off, "post-shout" is one phrase I'd drop. Secondly, "red faced and angry." Well, having a red face could signal a number of different emotions so you end up putting angry in there too. Also, "the driver is turned around looking at him." If he's in the back seat then the driver has to be turned around to look at him, so you could just say, "the driver is looking at him," or if you say "the driver is glowering at him," then you convey the cabbie's emotion without needing the other stuff.

Again, this crops up when you write that handing over the note was "depressing." How can you convey the emotion through the action, rather than just telling the reader?

Also, it's difficult at first to know what the “You’re so pretentious.” line refers to. I assume that it's the character thinking to himself, but it appears abruptly, in a place where I would have expected a line of dialogue, so it's kind of jarring.

Robbyn

Kinski wrote: »

I like your writing style, but you seem to have a tendency to just name the emotions the characters are feeling, rather than implying them through the action. For example, "the driver is turned around looking at him, post-shout, red faced and angry." First off, "post-shout" is one phrase I'd drop. Secondly, "red faced and angry." Well, having a red face could signal a number of different emotions so you end up putting angry in there too. Also, "the driver is turned around looking at him." If he's in the back seat then the driver has to be turned around to look at him, so you could just say, "the driver is looking at him," or if you say "the driver is glowering at him," then you convey the cabbie's emotion without needing the other stuff.

Again, this crops up when you write that handing over the note was "depressing." How can you convey the emotion through the action, rather than just telling the reader?

Also, it's difficult at first to know what the “You’re so pretentious.” line refers to. I assume that it's the character thinking to himself, but it appears abruptly, in a place where I would have expected a line of dialogue, so it's kind of jarring.

Yeah in writing in that style (which is pretty new to me) I've fallen a little bit into the telling and not showing pitfall. I'll work on that. The "you're so pretentious" is supposed to be dialogue as in the character telling the driver, but it needs to be clearer somehow.

Thanks.
I may submit an edited version in this thread.

CaoimH_in

I don't like 'Post-shout' as a description.

It flows really well for a while, then it's just, he did this, that, this, feels this, drank that, loves this, blah blah blah. Development seems rushed at that point - only people you really don't like and anti-hero types run on in this vane; uncaring and self-centred (elementally anti-heroes must have humour, or a sad history) - take it slowly and develop a few things well.

Usual stuff after that, not clear, not succinct, though it is interesting. Keep going.