I don't know where to start: am I over-reacting?

sardineta

My (looking like an imminent ex-) partner and I are both ACA.

Whilst she has spent seven years in therapy exploring many, if not most of the issues in her life to conclude that her relationship with alcohol is healthy. My problem is her position that because she acknowledges that she drinks too much than is good for her validates her behaviour, because she is aware.

But how much is too much? 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine every night, of which some will be brought into our bedroom is making me very anxious, invading my place of safety and taking me back to many of those childhood experiences.

It then leads in to the disturbed sleep patterns she has, rising twice a night and constantly drinking water and sleeping in later while I take our son to school.

When I've told her of this 'place of safety' I need, she seems to trump it with it being her 'routine' that she's always had and that she would be facilitating my neuroses. I'm now being blamed for taking her back to a really bad place about her issues with alcohol and these are my neuroses and that she's not going to enable them.

I really don't know where to start - I'm being bamboozled by someone who has the processes and language borne of that extensive therapy to shut down my argument at every turn - is this the end and/or a new beginning in sight?

Chinafoot

ACA means 'Adult Children of Alcoholics', yes? Right, well I won't pretend that I have first hand experience of this because I don't, however I do think that your partner is being very unfair to you.

Relationships are all about compromise. Your partner is refusing to consider your side of things and, in my opinion, is being incredibly unreasonable. She considers her relationship with alcohol to be healthy? Up to 3/4 of a bottle of wine every night is not something that I personally would deem as healthy. Her complete inability to remove it from the bedroom is very unhealthy.

I don't understand how you wanting to have a secure place free from alcohol is deemed "neuroses" but her "routine" is something thats normal? Why can't she respect your request? Surely her inability to break this "routine" is far more neurotic than someone who grew up in an alcoholic home requesting alcohol be removed from the bedroom...?

Not only is your partner incredibly selfish, I also think she is in complete denial as to her drinking.

OP, its time to start thinking about yourself. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone so focused on themself, unwilling to compromise on something so serious, and basically in denial about how much they drink?

estar

rather than asking for her behaviour to change because of your own history why not address it by saying it is not something you want your child to be around as this to me is an issue. you are an adult - your child is learning that it is ok to drink yourself into bed, and not get up in the morning.

you are having to assume primary parenting responsibility every morning.

just because you are aware doesnt mean it is healthy.

for support i recommend alanon. i would keep your own issues out of it and focus on what is the best possible up bringing for your child.

she cant really argue with that. she may not deal with it however your own experience with your parents is going to make you aware of that. alanon will assist you in moving forward and working out what you want.

Daisy M

It sounds like her therapy has provided her with lots of jargon that she can bamboozle you with and use to help her win every argument. The therapy she attended was all about her and getting her to a good place your needs would probably never have been discussed if ye were together during any of the time she was attending therapy. However ye are in a partnership where both persons needs have to be considered and it doesnt sound as if she understands this.
She drinks far too much and insisting on bringing it into your bedroom is unfair and to be honest its strange that she cant see that needing to drink in bed is strange. If you are unsure about ending the relationship is it possible for you to move to another bedroom for now and give your self your own space there where she has no excuse to force her drinking habits on you.