In a Rut?

i124Q

So we have been going out for 18 months. Recently, she kissed a gay guy and I was shocked and dissapointed in her.. But long story short, we are moving on, I've forgotten about it and forgiven her. We talked, she promised not to do it again..etc Issue resolved.

But since then, I've become really insecure and even though that situation is gone and dealt with(we talked numerous times) I still feel insecure about myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to be happy, the way I was before we got into this rut.

We love each other a lot and I believe we will get through it. She says I've been really clingy lately, so I guess I'll back off a little bit and try and keep myself busy and chill with the lads.

I guess my main question is, has anyone ever been in a rut and gotten out of it? Its hard when you love someone so much, and your insecurity is getting them down too, and the relationship is in a rut. Helpp

Ickle Magoo

Hey there OP,

I don't know if I'd call the destruction of all trust and faith in your partner "a rut" tbh...it's really, really hard to get over the hurt and mistrust caused by one partner being unfaithful - it takes time and it could well be things just aren't ever going to be the same again.

You have a very good and genuine reason for feeling insecure, she doesn't sound like she is graciously accepting her part in that with any degree of understanding - or that you are attributing the source of that insecurity to the correct party. I think you need to talk again and perhaps you need some time and space of your own to work out whether you are able to draw a line under things and move on once and for all, or if you are going to spend the remainder of the relationship looking over one shoulder and second-guessing everything your partner does.

Some people are able to forgive and forget, some can't - there is no shame in falling into either of those camps. I think before heading down the road of blaming yourself for being clingy or insecure and getting your partner down you need to work out which camp you fall into and whether the relationship is ultimately salvageable after your partners transgression changed the dynamics of your relationship.

All the best.

i124Q

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey there OP,

I don't know if I'd call the destruction of all trust and faith in your partner "a rut" tbh...it's really, really hard to get over the hurt and mistrust caused by one partner being unfaithful - it takes time and it could well be things just aren't ever going to be the same again.

You have a very good and genuine reason for feeling insecure, she doesn't sound like she is graciously accepting her part in that with any degree of understanding - or that you are attributing the source of that insecurity to the correct party. I think you need to talk again and perhaps you need some time and space of your own to work out whether you are able to draw a line under things and move on once and for all, or if you are going to spend the remainder of the relationship looking over one shoulder and second-guessing everything your partner does.

Some people are able to forgive and forget, some can't - there is no shame in falling into either of those camps. I think before heading down the road of blaming yourself for being clingy or insecure and getting your partner down you need to work out which camp you fall into and whether the relationship is ultimately salvageable after your partners transgression changed the dynamics of your relationship.

All the best.

Thank you for the reply!

You see my girlfriend of 18 months, is my first love. We are crazy about each other. I posted about my situation somewhere else on Boards when it happened and I promised myself to not post any more because then I will never move on. I just posted here now, because I felt like we are in a rut and needed to clear my head. I hate posting about my problems especially when I'm trying to forget about it but why do I continue to post?

I trust my girlfriend, what she did was bad form, she can't remember it, it was nothing really, no emotion behind it.
So from this I want to move on because she is amazing and we can't throw away our amazing 18 months over some stupid drunkin thing.

i124Q

Also,

I am a 1-strike guy. Like when I was seeing a girl for a few weeks, she scored some other guy at the party we were at. I ended it.

We werent exclusive then so yeah I wasn't too hurt.

But this time its different. I'm in love and together for 18 months.

Zen65

i124Q wrote: »

She says I've been really clingy lately, so I guess I'll back off a little bit and try and keep myself busy and chill with the lads.

Do you think you have been clingy? Do you ask her where she's going and want her to spend more time with you? Do you check up on her from time to time? If not, do you feel a constant urge to know what she's up to?

If you are a bit clingy, then which came first.... the drunken incident or your clingy behaviour? Is it possible she was reacting against your behaviour, and using a "safe, gay" guy to do just that?

I read your other post about this and I do wonder if you're both really ready for a long-term relationship. She seems to have doubts about it, consciously or subconsciously, and you have issues about moving on despite saying that that's what you have decided to do. Ickle Magoo captured the real issue very well:

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think you need to talk again and perhaps you need some time and space of your own to work out whether you are able to draw a line under things and move on once and for all, or if you are going to spend the remainder of the relationship looking over one shoulder and second-guessing everything your partner does.

Be at peace,


Z

i124Q

Zen65 wrote: »

Do you think you have been clingy? Do you ask her where she's going and want her to spend more time with you? Do you check up on her from time to time? If not, do you feel a constant urge to know what she's up to?


If you are a bit clingy, then which came first.... the drunken incident or your clingy behaviour? Is it possible she was reacting against your behaviour, and using a "safe, gay" guy to do just that?


I read your other post about this and I do wonder if you're both really ready for a long-term relationship. She seems to have doubts about it, consciously or subconsciously, and you have issues about moving on despite saying that that's what you have decided to do. Ickle Magoo captured the real issue very well:



Be at peace,


Z

I don't think I've been clingy at all. Its only since the incident I have become like this. We always allocate time for each other and time to hang out with friends. I feel I like I check up on her the odd time just to say hey. Nothing too much, just the norm conversation and me showing I'm thinking of her.
I always know what she's up to anyway, with college and work....etc being the normal routine.
I just feel sometimes its me doing most of the work in the relationship(before the incident)

The drunkin incident was basically the trigger to my change in behaviour/thinking/ insecurity.

Its already a long-term relationship coming up to 19 months, so I don't think this is an issue?

I really do not want the relationship to end.

Maybe it will just take time for me to get back to normal and feel secure about everything.

She says I have problems that she can't fix and that she misses the old me.
I just want to be back to 'the normal me' and look forward to upcoming events and date nights.

LegacyUser

I don't think you have truly forgiven her. TBH kissing a gay guy seems like a silly drunken act which when drunk seem like a funny thing to do... he's gay he's not looking to get off with your girlfiend. You are still quite young and you sound a little possessive, like you can't trust her. Maybe a little chip on your shoulder. Could you not get back to the fun you were you dated during the fun times? You still seem to have this cloud over you, and it's up to you to keep the relationship fun and then she will maybe reciprocate...

Distorted

i124Q wrote: »

She says I have problems that she can't fix and that she misses the old me.
I just want to be back to 'the normal me' and look forward to upcoming events and date nights.

I recall your previous post and tbh you are striking me as hard work. Easy going, relaxed and chilled are not descriptions that would seem to apply. You seem to give off this idea that someone has to conform to certain standards of behaviour you have set down, and if they do not, you give them a hard time. The kissing of the gay guy only you can say on here how serious it was, but the guy is GAY! He is no threat to your relationship and the fact that you are still harping on about it shows that you are treating what some would have dismissed as a fun or silly incident too seriously. In fact, from the way you describe it, none of this relationship sounds fun at all, it sounds like being at school or in the army or something, where there is constant monitoring of standards of behaviour and consequences for not conforming.

Your girlfriend will know you better than anyone outside your family, and if she is saying the quote I have highlighted above, then that is because it is true. Its not the sort of comment someone makes to point score or cause hurt, its simply a reflection on your character and personality. I think you need to be more aware of the effect of what you do has on other people.

Ickle Magoo

What kind of kissing are we talking about here? And how do you know he was gay, OP?

i124Q

I_Kissed_A_Girl wrote: »

I don't think you have truly forgiven her. TBH kissing a gay guy seems like a silly drunken act which when drunk seem like a funny thing to do... he's gay he's not looking to get off with your girlfiend. You are still quite young and you sound a little possessive, like you can't trust her. Maybe a little chip on your shoulder. Could you not get back to the fun you were you dated during the fun times? You still seem to have this cloud over you, and it's up to you to keep the relationship fun and then she will maybe reciprocate...

Thank you!

And thank you distorted. I have realised, I am giving her too hard a time. It may take me a bit longer to get completely over it but in the mean time i will make sure we go on some fun dates to get back into the good books and to make the relationship as good as it was before my change in behaviour!

johnr1

Distorted wrote: »

I recall your previous post and tbh you are striking me as hard work. Easy going, relaxed and chilled are not descriptions that would seem to apply. You seem to give off this idea that someone has to conform to certain standards of behaviour you have set down, and if they do not, you give them a hard time. The kissing of the gay guy only you can say on here how serious it was, but the guy is GAY! He is no threat to your relationship and the fact that you are still harping on about it shows that you are treating what some would have dismissed as a fun or silly incident too seriously. In fact, from the way you describe it, none of this relationship sounds fun at all, it sounds like being at school or in the army or something, where there is constant monitoring of standards of behaviour and consequences for not conforming.

Your girlfriend will know you better than anyone outside your family, and if she is saying the quote I have highlighted above, then that is because it is true. Its not the sort of comment someone makes to point score or cause hurt, its simply a reflection on your character and personality. I think you need to be more aware of the effect of what you do has on other people.

I agree with most of your post here, but there are a couple of bits I would take issue with.

You point out that the guy his gf kissed is GAY. What does that have to do with anything? He wasn't the one in the rel with the OP.
Like if your own bf shags a gay girl - would that be ok with you as she's "obviously no threat to your relationship"
Would you continue to "harp on about it" or "treat it as a fun and silly incident"?
Maybe you and your OH have a non-monogamous rel where this kind of stuff is allowed and that's ok but the OP never mentioned being in an open relationship. Most relationships are'nt open, and most people take issue with their OH kissing someone else.
Gender and sexuality of the other person are irrelevant.

Don't try to make the OP out to be controlling or a freak because he's not cool with his Gf kissing some other guy.

Chinafoot

johnr1 wrote: »

Gender and sexuality of the other person are irrelevant.

Correct, but I personally feel that it all comes down to intention.

This kiss was a joke. It was a bit of drunken messing with a friend. There was no sexual intent behind it. Comparing it having sex with a gay person is a ridiculous leap to be perfectly honest.

OP, I read your other thread and I felt that you had completely overreacted to what was drunken messing between friends. By all means you don't have to be happy about it and are quite entitled to tell her that. But to allow it to affect your relationship to this extent would have me agreeing with the poster who said you aren't ready for a serious relationship.

If you can't let it go (and I'm not suggesting that you have to) then you should end the relationship.

I am a friend

I know we have been down this road before on the previous post but the fact remains she kissed someone else - doesn't matter if he is gay, straight, bi etc. She cheated so op, why are you feeling guilty for her actions.

Distorted

The thing is though, people are humans, and have flaws and make mistakes and have things you don't like about them. Unless you find an emotionless robot, or maybe someone from a very poor country brought up to be very subservient and maybe not able to speak much English, or just a very good actress who shows you and tells you what you want to see and hear, you are going to have to learn to deal with these things in relationships, or constantly be let down.

The kiss with the gay guy could be serious, or it could have been a very jokey, drunken, dare, in which case I don't even think its worth bothering about. I don't think even the OP is sure which of those it is, but I think it unlikely that she had a great passionate attachement to a gay guy and it was probably just a stupid thing that she now regrets in the cold light of day. By all means, if it happens again, then dump her, but there are so many mitigating circumstances here that the OP risks coming across as undly strict if he insists on treating her like a misbehaving schoolchild whom he has to deal with appropriately.