How to train your in-laws

LegacyUser

I'm not actually married to my OH but we've been together long enough that in-laws is easier than "my partner's family".

Basically, both my OH and I are pretty organised people - we plan our activities and travel quite well and if we're visiting people (including family), we try to give them as much notice as possible so that we're not interfering with their plans (it's common courtesy if nothing else). His parents are significantly less organised and it's causing us some stress. We live in a different country to them (by circumstance although I suspect it would be by design otherwise). However we live near one of his siblings who has children. When his parents come to visit, we're aware that they're primarily visiting their grandchildren (which is fine!) but we're expected to be involved in the visit as well, which would also be fine but that the general lack of organisation means that they pretty much expect to monopolise our time for the majority of their visit (usually a weekend) while doing nothing much except cooing over the children and drinking tea. There seems to be an expectation that we should drop our plans to accommodate them (we don't!) and despite seeing them on a regular basis, my OH has to put up with "We never see you!" constantly.

This is coupled with the fact that they usually give us very little notice of visits or plans that they expect to involve us in. My OH is always the last to know when "family plans" are made - we found about their latest visit a week before they came, despite them having booked flights months in advance and, due to lack of planning, we ended up having to put them up for a night at only a few hours notice.

To top it off, my OH is the youngest of his siblings and is, to a certain extent, treated like the "kid" of the family. There's a general lack of consideration for his life, plans, opinions, experience, etc. The sibling that we live near has a tendency of treating him a bit like a child (it's manageable normally) but this peaks to an almost bullying level when his parents are visiting and it seems to transfer to me too. I'm the oldest of my bunch so I do not appreciate being treated like a child. The sibling in question I normally get on well with but imo turns into a grade-A assh*le when his parents are visiting.

As a result of the combined factors mentioned, most parental visits over the past 5 years have resulted in my OH getting pre-emptively stressed and we usually end up having a higher than average number of small arguments while they're here. I try to keep him on an even keel but it seems like I'm fighting a losing battle since the stress is now rolling off him and onto me so I've been in bad form for the last few visits. I pretty much snapped at the latest one (during a family night out, I ended up with a tension headache) and while nothing was explicitly said, it must have been obvious to everyone there that I was in a foul humour.

As a result of the night, I ended up basically ranting at my OH about the various issues (all of which he agrees with) and I feel quite bad about it because I don't want to be a person who bad-mouths someone's family to them especially when that someone is my OH. I just don't feel that I'm handling this particularly well. Tbh, they're a pretty good family (and believe me, I know that mine are no angels but these particular issues don't arise with them). It's just that the little things build up over time (lack of consideration, being overly clingy, talking down to us) and now it seems a valve has blown without relieving any of the stress - I'm actually dreading the next visit!

So, I'm wondering how we can effectively train them to treat us with some consideration. I had thought about confronting them over it but they don't seem to get when we're being serious about these things so they'd probably just laugh it off. My OH suggests just telling them that we've plans that won't be cancelled the next time they don't give us sufficient notice of a visit - I'm beginning to think that this isn't the worst idea. Also I've told my OH that I'm considering avoiding his sibling when his parents are around - mainly to save our relationship (mine and the sibling) as I'm pretty sure I'll unleash an uncensored piece of my mind one of these days which won't go down well. Does this all sound mad to anyone else?! I really feel like I've just had one big long whine - I feel like a crap, intolerant person today and that damn headache is back which just isn't helping

Big Bag of Chips

The talking down to you bit can possibly be fixed without confrontation. If someone says something you don't like, or don't agree with just ask them directly, while looking at them "why do you say/think that?" And then pause and wait for an answer.

It may make them more aware of what they are saying. It mightn't stop completely but will make them think about what they say.

As for the bil.. if he talks down to you just laugh, and say "who do you think you're talking too?" All the time smiling and making a joke of it.

The bit about being annoyed at them for being disorganised... sorry, but you are coming across as very intolerant and picky. Which I'm guessing is coming from other feelings you have about them (treating you like a child etc)

But... they live in a different country to you. They visit occasionally? Or very frequently? The fact that you were annoyed that they had to stay with you struck me most from your post. They are your OH's parents. If it were your parents would you expect them to stay somewhere else?

If it's a case that they always stay with you and not with their other son, I can understand why you'd be annoyed. Unless you have more room? No kids? Better facilities for them to stay?

But from what I can gather from your post and the fact that you said they stayed with you because they hadn't made other arrangements makes me think it was a (sort of) once off.

I can understand your annoyance at them being disorganised if you are usually very organised. But the fact that it is an occasional visit, from another country, for just a weekend. I think you should go with it!

If you have plans that you don't want to change let them know you're not available such a day and such a time, but don't just not see them as a point of principle. Which it sounds like you're on the verge of doing!

I think if you can get them to speak to you in a way that you are happier with then the rest of the stuff will annoy you less.

Squiggler

Unexpected guests don't HAVE to be accommodated at short notice. "No" (combined with "I'm sorry but" or any other conciliatory language you choose) is an extremely strong word.

Regarding the other issues. My oh and his parents have an uncomfortable relationship. They are not easy people to deal with. They constantly attempt to enquire into our private business. Silence is a wonderful response. I agree too with the suggestion above of "Why do you want to know?"

A lot of people don't think before they talk. It's possible they are just trying to show an interest... and there is no harm in telling them if it is getting too personal.

Do you ever visit them? Is it an option? Maybe you could free yourselves up a bit from obligation when they visit your BiL by arranging to see them at another time that suits you?

My OH is 40, and his Mother still asks after her "Baby Boy". My answer... "Who?" Works every time.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know can parents be classed as "guests"... unexpected or otherwise!

Don't get me wrong, I don't have the "perfect" relationship with my parents, or my in-laws! My husband's parents drive him up the wall. And I'll admit to being relieved when they go home from a visit. Similarly with my own parents. My father is quiet and blends into the background, but my mother is still well capable of seeing me (us) and treating me (us!) like a child. We're mid to late 30s, with a house with no mortgage and 3 kids!

But.. I'm my mother's child!

Unless relations are unbearable and non-existent, then I don't see parents in a house as visitors or guests. And I would hate, in years to come, to think my child begrudged putting me up for an occasional weekend pre-organised or not!

Squiggler

I guess it depends on expectations. My parents would never just show up unannounced, and they know that they would always be welcome if they needed to stay with us for any reason. I wouldn't arrive on their doorstep and expect them to provide me with a bed either. When we arranged to visit my OH's family we weren't offered accommodation and made our own arrangements, we've put them up for a couple of nights when they visited at fairly short notice (they live on another continent)... they're my OH's parents after all.

But the OP's In-laws showed up with only a few hours warning, when they could have made other plans or advance arrangements with the OP and her OH, and expected to be accommodated - people do that at hotels and guest houses, not at private homes and I don't care what the relationship is.

There is a fine line between relying on family and imposing on them and it sounds like the OP's in laws are imposing.

Daisy M

I agree with big bag of chips parents should not be classed as guests surely to God the people who brought you into this world and raised you to adulthood are at least a few steps up from been an "uninvited guest"?
Op how often do your inlaws visit? If its once a month or more then I can understand your fustration but if its only 5/6 times a year you are been too dramatic! You have said that they expect you to change your plans when they decide to visit but you dont so what is the problem? I think your other half needs to step up a bit here and take a little responsibility. He should ask when the next visit is planned if they say they dont know then he should request that they let him know when they book it so that you can try and keep that weekend free. If they dont let him know and again he turns out to be the last to know he needs to address this and remind them he asked to be let know as soon as any firm plans were made. He doesnt need to be confrontational just firm. You say there doesnt seem to be any organising made when your inlaws visit that there is a lot of sitting around its possible that this is what they want to do, that they just want to sit and enjoy catching up with their children, daughter inlaws and grandkids, after all they are coming to see ye not the sights.
If his brother tries to put him down then he needs to nip it in the bud, tagain there is no need to be confrontational just firm and direct. My husband is the youngest of a large family and some of his siblings treated him similarly on occassions, so I can understand yours and his fustrations. I got fed up of it and I would thik it is fair to say I stopped trying to hide my displeasure when comments were made, I think it was written all over my face and I didnt care. My husband began to stand up for himself its amazing how a few "I beg your pardons" and "are you joking speaking to me like that?" can pull someone up. Your brother in law is not considering your partner or your feelings or the relationship he has with ye when he is behaving like a bully so you need to stop considering his and not allow yourselves to be treated this way.

estar

i am intrigued by the use of the word "train".

why not ask to be notified in advance of travel plans.

if you can at all - listen to your partners complaints, advise him generally but try not to get involved in openly criticising your own inlaws unless they are very out of line or abusive.

my own feelings are that someone inside a family might criticise and complain but if you start doing it, it can cause conflict and resentment between yourself and your partner. listen to him and encourage him to resolve this issue for himself in a peaceful way.

LegacyUser

I should point out that I don't mind them staying with us - friends and family (on either side) are welcome...within reason. Myself and my partner consider it to be reasonable for guests and visitors to give us notice of their plans if they involve us. And in our house, family members (including parents) qualify as guests. I know that some people will consider me off-putting because of that attitude but I've had enough experience with unacceptable behaviour from some members of my own family that I'm pretty up-front about what I will and won't accept from family members... I've tried to do the same with my OH's parents but they have very selective hearing when they want to.

I think I agree with Big Bag of Chips that a lot of the "little things" would be easier to deal with if the we were happier with the way that they treated us. I'm starting to resent the lack of consideration shown when they don't keep us informed of family plans as they do with the others - I feel like we're being relegated to the "kiddie" table. We've asked that they keep us informed of their plans once they make them (e.g. when flights are booked) and that, at short notice, we are likely to have made plans already but it doesn't seem to be working - if anything, the notice periods are getting shorter. I know that the best way to deal with this is just to tell them outright that treating us like this bothers us and we should work at being less stressed by them. I'm just not convinced that they'll actually listen to what we're saying...

estar, I totally agree with you that openly criticising them in front of my partner isn't a good thing to do and I don't like that I descended to that level.

As for use of the word "train", that was a weak attempt to inject humour while in a bad mood. If I really wanted to train them, there'd be a box of treats and a spray bottle of water waiting for them when they next visit...

This really isn't a major problem by any means. I just wish I was handling it better - mostly I'm pissed off at myself.

Abi

Stressedout, you're not going to like what I have to say, but I don't know you - so don't take it personally.


You may very well give me a better insight with your next post, but all I've read from your post is that you favour a more clinical relationship with your in-laws. I think you are being unreasonable about their visits. If they live in another country, I'm assuming they will try to get the best priced flights etc., so perhaps it's a thing where they can't give any more than a weeks notice at a time for their visits. But really, is it that much hassle?


I despise surprise visits myself, the house can be turned upside down if I've had something more pressing going on in my life, but if I knew a week in advance I'd be a happy out with that.


Your would-be-in-laws are not strangers off the street, they may be potentially your mother and father in law in the future, wouldn't it be a nice idea to have a better relationship with them rather than trying to avoid them? While meeting up for tea seems to be the least of your priorities, it seems to matter a lot to your partners family to catch up.

I'm sure your partner loves his space too, but you have to put yourself in his shoes, they're his family. I suspect he may wish you wanted to get involved, but afraid to say so.

I might also add, if a certain week is spoken for, holiday-wise or whatever, if you had a better line of communication between his parents, they'd know not to land on you.

I'm not judging you, but I can't shake the feeling that his family are a complication you'd rather do without.

I am a friend

Abi I totally agree. I hate to see these posts where girls / guys start to deliberately come between their oh and the oh's parents...

I know that all families are different but his parents won't be around forever and you should not be trying to mess with their relationship.

estar

i find it interesting that you mentioned some negative experiences that you have had within your own family. do you think the reason you find this so stressful is that it reminds you of some previous negative experiences where people have not respected your boundaries.

it is up to you to set what is acceptable and not acceptable in your own home. i find that accepting in laws as one finds them, having no expectations of them, while also maintaining a healthy distance is the easiest way to proceed.

you don't have to accept their opinions or listen to what they say. however your partner for better or worse is going to care what they think, and how they treat him. this is for him to resolve. you can support him, but dont tell him what to say or do or what to think. just listen to him and try and help him work it out for himself. this is my personal advice and opinion.

i find if you decide in your own mind that peoples opinions and behaviour does not matter to you, it makes it easier to ignore negativity.

if you are both finding a whole weekend difficult it is perfectly reasonable to drop in for a few sociable hours, be pleasant, enquire after everyone, but dont stay too long.

you must have really busy lives that some hours over a weekend need weeks and weeks of advance planning.

neuro-praxis

People can be so sanctimonious and judgmental on the issue of putting up with any behaviour from parents. I am firmly of the belief that you cleave and you leave. This is your home OP, and you have the right to run it any way that you please.

I think your stress is understandable. Not everyone would find this situation stressful, but you do, and that is ok. Not everybody is the same. Ask yourself, what could be done differently that you experience less stress in relation to your partner's family? If for example, you feel that you need at least 2 weeks' notice for visits, have your partner explain this to his parents, nicely. If they refuse to respect this, then simply become unavailable for whatever visits they may impose without offering you at least two weeks' notice. They will learn, in time, to give you this notice. This is teaching someone else how to treat you - verbalizing a boundary and then following through on it. The boundaries are up to you. If you set a boundary and do not follow through, then you teach them that your word is worth nothing and they will continue to show up at a drop of a hat.

As for people speaking down to you, all you can do is rise above it. Kill with kindness. Respond to every rude comment with a friendly one. This is completely disarming for someone who is being passive aggressive.

Families for some of us are intensely difficult and learning to manage them is one of life's great challenges. You are up to it! Don't beat yourself up. Good luck!