curvy/fat - long running issue

LegacyUser

So this may be a bit of a long one so apologies in advance.

I was always pudgy as a child and in my early teens, i used to get teased quiet alot by siblings and classmates. Once I started secondary school I became more conscious of it and aware, obsessed almost. I used to look at my classmates and feel so envious of their teeny frames, especially when we were out at youth discos. I mean looking back now I was by no means massive, probably a size 14, but at the time no boys would look at me and I felt crap and ugly the whole time. The obsession took over and I fell to 7 stone - and looking back I looked emaciated on my 5 foot 4'' medium frame - this brought me no confidence or happiness either, I still felt so ugly, boys would still point out the fact I had 'big boobs' or a curvy ass or they would say I was curvy and always prefer my friends slender bodies over mine.

Fast forward to college, I gained loads of weight throughout Leaving cert, I was nearly 12 stone between this time and 1st year in college. People would still call me 'curvy' or 'cuddly'...I was always classed as one of the bigger girls in the group. This was the only time I had a boyfriend and I drove him away because I had no self confidence and was convinced he was always looking at other girls. this wasnt helped by the fact he cheated on me. I would hate when he touched me and I ended up never actually sleeping with him because I felt so inadequate and self conscious. So I am still a virgin to top all things off.

I decided to take time out for myself and started to do weight watchers to discipline myself once and for all about being healthy. So I did the programme and over the course of a few months I got down to around 9 half stone. Again, people would still call me 'curvy'. I have a problem with this, as I associate it with being fat. Yes I do have big boobs, a 34dd to be exact, no dieting in the world has been able to get rid of them. Some friends were like 'its amazing how your still so curvy'...to me thats saying i am fat. All I want to be is thin and healthy. It really upsets me and gets me down. So much so I plan my hole day around when I am going to exercise and at what time I will eat. everything revolves around food. If someone asks me to go out in the evening, my instant reply is 'no'.....because I cant deviate from my eating pattern and exercise schedule. It is really beginning to effect my life. Alot of my friends are now settling down, and I feel so inadequate to them. I never attract anyone when I am out, I dont know I am always to concerned about the way I look. Running to the bathroom every half hour to reapply my make up to make myself feel better about myself. I feel I am never going to meet someone like this, add to the fact i am a virgin I am scared to get close to anyone.

Then I think of all the other things that are happening in the world and I know I need to snap out of it. I just feel so guilty when I eat out or if I eat chocolate or a takeway. I am going away travelling in the new year and I am alreay panicking about the weight I will put on backpacking. This is not something which I should be worried about, I should be excited. Instead im dieting everyday to try and lose another stone before I go. Its the last thing I think of at night and the first in the morning.

I am so sick of being like this. Really all I want to know if anyone else has felt like this? how do I stop associating curvy with 'fat'....or what does curvy actually mean. I have never gone to counseling, and I know i should have during my teens when my weight plummeted. I am renting and saving to travel so its not something I could afford now. I just really want to get out of this state of mind and start enjoying my life.

Sorry for the long rant, feels good to finally get it out there..

butterfly84

First of all I think when people call you curvy they are meaning it as a compliment.It sounds like you have a lovely figure and a healthy weight for your height.I for one would love to have your boobs.Im 5,5 and 9 stone but with none of the boobs(big enough bum though : ) ).Sometimes I have "fat days" where I obsessive about my stomach not being flat.Right now I am sitting on the couch half working myself up to go to the gym,half trying to get out of it.Mostly I am content with my body.I love food but try to make healthy choices,not looking exercise so much..but again trying to do the healthy thing.Also I have a long term bf so its not your weight stopping you meeting someone.

The problem doesnt seem to be anyones else opinion of you..its your own opinion of yourself and what you think others think of you.Other girls are saying wow youre lucky to have slimmed down and still kept those great boobsYou just hear them say that you are still fat which you are clearly not.You seem to be lacking a lot of confidence and have some issues from your younger days.The good thing is you realise that you are being too obsessive and that you can do something about it.I hope you do before its too late.

As for travelling.I went myself and actually lost a lot of weight through being on a budget and lack of food i wanted to eat in certain areas.At first I was thinking ooh great Im 8 stone now just like ive always wanted but I ended up hungry a lot and was glad of getting home to eat the food I loved again.Bottom line is youre going to be having too much fun travelling to worry about your weight so please put your energy into stopping the destructive path your heading down before you leave.Plus you need to be healthy travelling as you can pick up a lot of bugs that will drain you and you will likely be walking/hiking a lot so you need good energy levels and not to be starving yourself.

Best of luck

beks101

** Warning: long post! I feel quite passionately about all this stuff...

Hi OP,

I feel for you and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I've been through a similar experience - both ends of the weight spectrum, from 'skinny', which is far from a natural state for me and took a lot of self-starvation, over-exercising and misery...to slightly 'chubby', where the misery was just as great but instead it was a perpetual binge/starve cycle that got me there.

The obsession, preoccupation and need to control my food/exercise was just as great in both cases and as cliched as it sounds, it was nothing to do with food or my weight. I had such a poor self-image, low self esteem, a raft of insecurities and just a general unhappiness in my own skin. Lots of deep-seated issues, no major childhood traumas but just a way of coping that I adapted to over the years. The weight thing became a handy projection - and still is, sometimes, but I work hard to use other healthier outlets. Things that work for me are music, exercise (goal-oriented rather than calorie-oriented, an important distinction), spending more time with friends, calling home and having a chat with my folks or my sister when I'm feeling crap - instead of spending countless hours devising 'meal plans' and agonising over every little morsel that will go into my mouth.

It's no life OP, and I think you know that already. You said it yourself - you've been at a low weight, a high weight, and both places were equally miserable. The 'control' thing is a farce anyway - if it actually worked, you'd stay at the same weight all the time, without a hint of any deviation, but you don't, because you're a human, not a robot, and that's life.

So why not take a chance and relenquish a little bit of that 'control', to discover other aspects of yourself? Do something that makes you love and appreciate how special and strong your body is - take a dance class or try some yoga or start training for a half marathon or start hiking. Start keeping a journal and chronicle all the weight-related thoughts and fears and worries and stresses that come into your head, just write them down and acknowledge them, let them out of your system and let that be the only disruption they have in your day. Eventually you'll see a pattern or an underlying theme in your journal and come to understand yourself a little more.

Do some volunteer work, sign up with a charity and spend some time in a homeless shelter - there's no dose of perspective quite like it. Arrange to meet friends if you have a long evening of doing nothing. Just keep busy, busy, busy and don't give yourself a chance to obsess.

I feel strongly about being proactive in dealing with eating distresses and body image issues like this, because otherwise these can be issues that haunt you for decades, for the rest of your life if you're not careful. I know women my parents' age who still agonise over their eating habits, have a warped body image and live in fear of gaining half a pound and it's just the saddest thing ever. I'll be damned if that's me so I committed to change - you really need to commit to doing the same.

And the 'curvy' thing. I struggled with this for years. At my thinnest, I had an obsession with removing every hint of femininity from my body and becoming as straight-and-narrow as possible - and really OP, this was eating disorder territory. No periods and a reversion to an almost-childlike state. Just be very, very careful. You are a woman, you have boobs and hips and an ass and this is your privilege as a woman, not your curse. I've always had big boobs and I've learned to live with them. There's enough women out there who would kill to be able to fill a top like I can, it'd be disrespectful to myself to wish for anything else. I'm healthy, I train hard every day and eat all the right things, I keep in shape...these curves are just a part of who I am meant to be and there's no point in fighting a losing battle. The risk you take with that is really too great. Once you start to feel better about yourself and discover other talents and aspects of yourself, you'll begin to feel differently about this too.

Best of luck OP. It's a long, long road but it's really up to you to take the first step.

LegacyUser

ah honey i feel for you so much- your not big- bless you- honey you need to gain confidence:)

ive been big love- iv been 18 stone(size 24-26) im now 14 stone (size 16-18) and i still feel huge- my hubby tells me im gorge

At the end of the day ive found confidence matters more than the mirror- ive been in clubs and felt great cos a guy asked did i want a drink, ive felt great when a guys asked me for my number- but when i get home my hubby giving me a hug and kiss means more than strangers fancying me

being attractive is not everything love, my hubby met me at my biggest and he still loves me

tatabubbly

Girl, I have the same body shape as you. Sweetie, as my mum said, I've always always for the last 4 years being exactly the same shape a size no matter what dieting I do.

Just understand that just because we are bombarded with pictures of people who aren't the same as us doesn't mean we are not beautiful.

I had really really bad self esteem and I figured, I'm probably not going to change but I'm gorgeous in my own way!

I hope you understand that and get that YOU ARE FABULOUS..

Love and kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mikemac

Are you allowed mention celebrities here?

Just your thread reminded me of Kate Winslet and her struggles and how she overcame it and is now very happy. A quick google will get you any number of stories on it

If my post is out of line, delete it. Just seems an obvious example to look at and might reassure the OP

CyberJuice

lots of men love a curvy woman

if i was to say to a friend " you should have seen this beautifull curvy woman i saw earlier she was very sexy" or something like this

it would mean she has nice curvy bottom and nice big curvy breasts,it does not mean shes an over weight woman or a big fat ugly woman or anything of this nature.. curvy is a good word not a bad one,you shouldt get hung up on someone calling you curvy