Can't stand my Sister-in-law

LegacyUser

As the title says, they sis-in-law is a constant annoyance to me.

She's constantly ringing the OH, sometimes 2/3 times an hour (that'd be the worst) The majority of the time, it's for the stupidest of things - her dog's bowel movements, (that's worthy of it's own thread though) something in the shop that had a couple of cent off it. A lot of times to bitch and moan about something/someone. A lot of times, it's at an unconvenient time - in the middle of dinner, watching a movie, etc.

The wife works awkward hours so we don't have a lot of time together, saturday is the only day we have to ourselves. But 9 times out of 10 times, the OH gets a phonecall "Oh, c'mon and lets go shopping" (more of an order than a request) and off she goes for a few hours. Some days, we'd take a spin out of town and the s-i-l would "tag along" but if the s-i-l and her mot go off anywhere, the OH only hears about it when they come back. When she does tag along, she'll go into every shop, drag her heels and not buy a thing!! (The OH has sensed my displeasure with this and keeps it quiet when we go anywhere lately)

I feel I can't say anything though - the OH and her are very close siblings and I don't want to go offending her but I'm sick of being in constant competition for my wife's time.

Big Bag of Chips

You shouldn't feel you can't say anything. This is your wife, and you should be able to discuss things that bother either of you.

I'm guessing your wife has caller ID, so knows who is ringing her. If so it's really up to her to stop answering the phone to her so often

If they've always had this sort of relationship then it's a habit, and your wife just may not be aware that it is annoying for you. She may not notice how ridiculous some of the things are.

You can say it to her without causing offense. Suggest a day out just the 2 of you. Go for a spin, and a pub lunch somewhere.

The sil doesn't always have to tag along with you. Your wife doesn't always have to tell her you're going somewhere. Same way as the sil and mother are doing nothing wrong by going out without your wife sometimes.

OS119

hi OP, i had a similar problem to you, though i didn't dislike my SIL, just found that i never had any time with my wife without her.

i repeatedly dropped subtle hints to my wife, none of which had any effect - so, admittedly in a rather stinky mood after yet another 'romantic day out' with the SIL, as we got into bed, i asked my wife if her (younger, slimmer, more out-going) sister would be joining us in bed, given that she shared every other area of our life.

sadly the bedshare didn't happen, and i didn't get any that night, but the situation with the SIL improved markedly.

try subtlty first, but don't be surprised if you have to be a bit more 'positive' before you get a result.

Siuin

OS119 wrote: »

after yet another 'romantic day out' with the SIL, as we got into bed, i asked my wife if her (younger, slimmer, more out-going) sister would be joining us in bed, given that she shared every other area of our life.

Uhhh, would not recommend this!! If I had a sister and my boyfriend said this to me, getting lucky would be his last concern.

Tell her honestly that you feel her sister's constant contact is impacting your relationship negatively. Don't allow phone calls during dinner- my family take the phone off the hook- it's a time to sit down and chat at the end of the day with those who are *physically present*.

To an extent, there's not much that can be done in such a situation. If she's close with her sister, and enjoys these interactions, she won't stop. But you can be honest and state your case, and hopefully get through to her. It might be better if you do this by voicing how you feel the relationship is suffering rather than having a go at her sister.

I am a friend

Op you sound really clingy and contrary... Its very extreme to say you can't stand her and also a bit immature as the fault actually lies with you as this should have been nipped in the bud well before now...

You should not have let it get to the extreme it has. Is all ok with you and your wife? The reason I ask is that a friend of mine is always surrounded by others ie mainly her family as her relationship with her husband has gone stale..

It's over to you to spice it up and make plans as a couple.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You shouldn't feel you can't say anything. This is your wife, and you should be able to discuss things that bother either of you.

I'm guessing your wife has caller ID, so knows who is ringing her. If so it's really up to her to stop answering the phone to her so often

.....................

The sil doesn't always have to tag along with you. Your wife doesn't always have to tell her you're going somewhere. Same way as the sil and mother are doing nothing wrong by going out without your wife sometimes.

The 2 of them are very good friends, I'd be afraid how she'd take it. We are very open with each other but this is one thing I don't want to go into with her.

It doesn't seem to bother her that much - she will apologise at certain inconvenient times (for answering it)

This has been taken care and hasn't been a problem for a while.

OS119 wrote: »

...............i repeatedly dropped subtle hints to my wife, none of which had any effect - so, admittedly in a rather stinky mood after yet another 'romantic day out' with the SIL, as we got into bed, i asked my wife if her (younger, slimmer, more out-going) sister would be joining us in bed, given that she shared every other area of our life...........

How did you not get your gentleman vegetables cut off?! I see where you're coming from and can relate in a way but I wouldn't have the courage to say something like that!

Siuin wrote: »

...................To an extent, there's not much that can be done in such a situation. If she's close with her sister, and enjoys these interactions, she won't stop. But you can be honest and state your case, and hopefully get through to her. It might be better if you do this by voicing how you feel the relationship is suffering rather than having a go at her sister.

Some good advice there I think suffering is a strong word for the relationship - we're not arguing over it or anything like that but you still have a valid point.

thefeatheredcat

The best way to deal with this is just sit down and talk about it and get it out in the open with your wife about how you feel that with working arrangements that you're not getting enough alone time with eachother.
You're not getting much time with just the two of you, and that is the main issue.

You will have to understand that from your wife's perspective given the closeness of the bond with her sister, she might have difficultly not "being there" for her sister....she might not have someone else to ring and gripe to about mundane stuff, might be lonely or whatever, and your wife may feel guilty if she doesn't answer the phone or may feel less needed if she's not available for her sister. She can't just suddenly stop answering the phone but she probably does need to learn to be a little less available to her if she herself is unhappy with being too available when she comes calling.

In any case, it sounds like some boundaries as a couple need to be drawn or you need a bit of space for eachother if you feel the connection/time between ye is being threatened by the constant presence of another that takes up what precious time you do have together to share.

Bottom line is that you have to communicate with your wife about this in a non-confrontational manner as she may not realise what the deeper issue is or that it has you unhappy.

shinikins

Speaking for myself, I would have no hesitation in telling my OH that taking a phonecall during dinner or a movie is not on. As in, I would be totally blunt and say "what the hell is so important that you need to let your dinner go cold" Its rude and whether your wife realises it or not, it shows exactly what she thinks of your company. I would also think that your dislike for her sister is probably misplaced-you feel you can't speak about it with your wife, so you begin to resent your SIL more and more.

Speak to your wife, unless you tell her how your feeling about this, it will keep going on.

King of Kings

Siuin wrote: »

Uhhh, would not recommend this!! If I had a sister and my boyfriend said this to me, getting lucky would be his last concern.

i think you mis understood his motivation for saying this. It was a very clever way to put it.
sometime you just need to be blunt.

LegacyUser

I agree, sit your wife down and talk. There is a big difference between a healthy, friendly relationship with your grown-up siblings and an unhealthy excessively close partnership which seems to have developed between your SIL and your wife.

Your problem here is not your SIL, it's your wife. She needs to learn about healthy boundaries. I think her sister is emotionally manipulating her. There is no problems with family supporting each other, but this is beyond that.

Encourage your wife to think about this and explain to her how her need to feel needed by her sister is infringing on your marriage.

Siuin

King of Kings wrote: »

i think you mis understood his motivation for saying this. It was a very clever way to put it.
sometime you just need to be blunt.

There's blunt and there's being tactless and upsetting one's partner :S

Beruthiel

republic of telly fan wrote: »

A lot of times, it's at an unconvenient time - in the middle of dinner, watching a movie, etc.

This is as much down to your wife as your SIL.
Myself and hubby would never answer the phone while eating dinner or watching a film. We're busy and the call can be taken care of afterwards.
It is the height of rudeness to expect your partner to just sit there and wait while you take a call. Your wife should understand that and as she clearly doesn't, point it out to her.

ash23

My problem if I were you OP, would be with my wife and not my sister in law.
Regardless of who it is ringing, your wife should be more considerate about making sure you have some quality time together.

I'd be broaching it with the wife. Not saying anything about her sister, but just saying you'd like some time with no phones and no distractions etc.