Relationships and Finances

james.xix

My gf has been involved in a course for a few weeks but now she is not getting any unemployment payments due to being in college at a level she's been at before. She has two options, stay in the course she wants for up-skilling but not get any money whatsoever or go back on the dole and quit the course. She's angling she wants to keep in the course and wants my help. I'm all for helping to a degree but I'm of the opinion we need to be able to stand on our own two feet as adults. Have other couples been in this situation or something similar due to finances etc.?

tenchi-fan

Are you living together, and if so, for how long?

Generally, I think you'd be very foolish to fund her education particularly if it's an undergraduate degree or a course that lasts several years. If it's a shorter-term course she should consider a credit union loan, or asking her parents to help her out.

Your girlfriend should probably have looked into a part-time course (enabling her to continue claiming benefits or work full-time/part-time in an unrelated area), possibly followed by a higher-level course that would enable her to get a grant to cover books and fees at least.

james.xix

Thanks for your reply. We're not living together as of yet. I haven't thought it's the right time when she could take up course/job in a different town if she needs to. We're both in our late 20's. It's a short-term course for the year. I think she's looking at getting a grant and her parent + me help her out. There's a delay with the grant. The one year course is to get into some otehr course which will be over a few years but she would have entitlements with that. I'll help out a bit but I'm working hard on modest wages. I'd be of the mind we needs to be able to stand on our own two feet. I think your right, if she's to continue with the course she'll have to get money coming in through part-time work etc.

Squiggler

Yep, if you were living together and seriously committed to one another then I might view it differently (I'm supporting my husband while he re-trains and happy to do so because it will improve things for both of us in the long term) but when everything else is independent finances should be too. I have many friends who put themselves through college working part time jobs (with no Grant or other financial assistance). It's do-able, and it sounds like she has family willing to help her too.

Hope she takes your decision well

baby and crumble

I think once you're in an established relationship that you both have agreed is long term (ie engaged or know that's where it's going) I think it's not a bad idea to help out, but by that I mean perhaps have her over to yours for dinner most nights where you buy more of the groceries etc than her, or by offering to top up her phone etc. I wouldn't go paying for fees or anything unless you're married/ living together, in which case it's an investment for both of you.

IrishEyes19

Cant she get a part time job like everyone else. I dont think you should have to support her, OP. Its really important to be able to support herself in life. Constantly being helped doesnt prepare you. And jobs are out there. Its just a matter of spending a day handing out CV's, and asking to see the manager.

james.xix

I agree IrishEyes, that'd be my view on it, we need to be able to support ourselves. I can help some bit and have already.
Thanks for your reply baby and crumble. I agree with that and would be ok regards buying food, topping up phone etc. My gf has no money coming in at the moment. She'll have rent and bills to pay. I can help short-term i.e. a month or two until a grant comes in. Anything more I'd consider too much. Hopefully her grant will be coming through shortly and her parents can help her.

IrishEyes19

james.xix wrote: »

I agree IrishEyes, that'd be my view on it, we need to be able to support ourselves. I can help some bit and have already.
Thanks for your reply baby and crumble. I agree with that and would be ok regards buying food, topping up phone etc. My gf has no money coming in at the moment. She'll have rent and bills to pay. I can help short-term i.e. a month or two until a grant comes in. Anything more I'd consider too much. Hopefully her grant will be coming through shortly and her parents can help her.

Hope it works out for you. It's a tough thing to say, but people learn from hardship. Have to learn how to budget and fall on your feet so to speak. Grants and parents are all grand in short term plans. But Im assuming her parents are near retirement age ect, not their job and certainly not yours to support her. But Im a firm believer that once you are over 18, getting a job should be her first priority. Out of interest has she even tried this? Only asking as there really is work out there if you are prepared to look for it, and most businesses are looking to train in people now as the christmas season is looming.

I really dont agree with others saying you should support her even grocery wise. I understand she is your girlfriend and you care about her. But she's a grown woman and shouldnt be relying on the grant as a means of support on the way either.

james.xix

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Hope it works out for you. It's a tough thing to say, but people learn from hardship. Have to learn how to budget and fall on your feet so to speak. Grants and parents are all grand in short term plans. But Im assuming her parents are near retirement age ect, not their job and certainly not yours to support her. But Im a firm believer that once you are over 18, getting a job should be her first priority. Out of interest has she even tried this? Only asking as there really is work out there if you are prepared to look for it, and most businesses are looking to train in people now as the christmas season is looming.

I really dont agree with others saying you should support her even grocery wise. I understand she is your girlfriend and you care about her. But she's a grown woman and shouldnt be relying on the grant as a means of support on the way either.

They do have to learn from hardship. I wouldn't differ too far from your views but once people have done the leaving cert, people should have the option at least of a third level education.
Grants in education were given out too easy around 10 years ago. At the very least people getting grades of a certain level and of parents without the means to support them, should get support to go through third level. Once finished third level with the means or if someone has no choice but to work at 18 years of age, I agree, the first priority has to be to work and get money coming in.
I've worked in jobs I wouldn't have particularly wanted because of financial necessity and to be earning my own way. You're right as well, work is still there. I lost my job 3 years ago, was out of work for a few months but searched hard and was back to work in good time.
My gf has tried to get a job. She has been unable to get work so has looked to take up a course to upskill. She's done a course of that level before so has lost entitlements she's been on as a result. She can stay in the course and struggle on or leave all together. We'll work on that. I'm stressing while I can help in the short-term, getting a part-time job and money coming in has to be the priority. Any money given will be borrowed, I'm not a credit union or social welfare outlet.
I know what youy're saying regards grocery wise. I will help out though. Sometimes one has to give a little. I've set a clear time for how long I can support which is fair and accepted. She won't be able to rely on a grant but the grant is there for a reason. There has to be some support like that. I'm sure she will get a job. Thanks for your well wishes.

CarMe

You sound like a decent, fair guy and I assume your gf is just as nice but I can't help think it's a little cheeky of her to hint at help from yourself or her patents, especially in her late 20s.
In saying this I think in a long term relationship if you were living together I would expect that helping each other out like this would go without saying if it benefited you both long term, I just can't help being a little annoyed on your part that she assumes entitlement almost.

Love and money are a tricky combo but all the best.

LegacyUser

james.xix wrote: »

My gf has been involved in a course for a few weeks but now she is not getting any unemployment payments due to being in college at a level she's been at before. She has two options, stay in the course she wants for up-skilling but not get any money whatsoever or go back on the dole and quit the course. She's angling she wants to keep in the course and wants my help. I'm all for helping to a degree but I'm of the opinion we need to be able to stand on our own two feet as adults. Have other couples been in this situation or something similar due to finances etc.?

Has she gotten her grant application accepted yet? Because i think you cant get a grant for a course if you have completed the same level course already. You can only get it if you are going up a level.
I think your girlfriend is standing on her own two feet. The easy option would be to stay on the dole however she wants to improve her chances of getting a better job through further study which is admirable. You either have the money to give her or you don't. If you have the money but refusing to give her on a loan basis then really if you cant rely on your boyfriend/family to help you through the hard times then who will help you???
This advice is if ye are in a serious relationship.

james.xix

hgbodgsoubjk wrote: »

Has she gotten her grant application accepted yet? Because i think you cant get a grant for a course if you have completed the same level course already. You can only get it if you are going up a level.
I think your girlfriend is standing on her own two feet. The easy option would be to stay on the dole however she wants to improve her chances of getting a better job through further study which is admirable. You either have the money to give her or you don't. If you have the money but refusing to give her on a loan basis then really if you cant rely on your boyfriend/family to help you through the hard times then who will help you???
This advice is if ye are in a serious relationship.

The grant has not been accepted yet. It should not be an issue. She has not received any grant before so is eligible for a grant, despite being at that level before.
She is standing on her own two feet by looking to upskill, I do admire that. We are in a serious relationship. I agree with your point on "if you cant rely on your boyfriend/family to help you through the hard times then who will help you?". At the same time though I've always been a believer on working hard on earning my own way. Personally if I was to take on a course, I'd make sure I was able to fund it.
I will help my gf in the short-term, it's what I can do. It's bad of me but I'll probably lose a bit of respect for her if they situation drags out for a while. While people need support, there has to be standing on ones own feet as well. If someone isn't, it's unhealthy in some respects. Bad of me to think so maybe but it's what I think.

james.xix

inexperienced wrote:

it sounded like you are not happy with the amount of money that you are going to help her. Why did you agree to help then? If you can't help cheerfully, and you would lose your respect to her, better tell her that you can't help, but suggest her ways to get help from others, e.g. parents...

or you are willing to help, but not that amount of money, be honest to her. tell her that you can only help with such and such amount and she needs to sort out herself ...

I think there is also trust issue here too. I assume once she has her grant, she will pay you back the money, right? Do you not trust her for doing so?

I want to help her so I'm helping as best I can. I am making suggestions that she talks to her parents during Christmas, hopefully something will come of it.
I trust her to pay me back, she has before. I don't think it's healthy for an over reliance but she is in a tough position which is why I help.

james.xix

gmac102 wrote:

are u paying for her rent, food, bills and putting clothes on her back? if thats a no you arent supporting her

I am paying rent, food, bills. Her only incoming money is from myself at present.

lau1247

i think first thing first is that you need to be more financial efficient.. you mentioned you guys are in a serious relationship but living separately.. why not live together, cuts down unnecessary rent and bill.. (Of course sometimes there are problem with location etc, but it definitely something to consider)

If relationship is going well and you know where you're going, then yes by all means help.. i understand your thought process where she should be able to support herself and have sufficient fund to take the course for up-skilling..

But if you think of it the other way, you guys are in late twenties, for you it is ok because you are working, for her another year lost is one that can never come back.. when she complete the upskilling she will still need work experience and those take time.. i think time is the key issue..

Also generally for women by the time 30-35 comes, it is time to start a family so maybe she want to build up some stable finance as quickly as possible to do so..

The problem for her is fund is coming in slower than it is going out at the moment.. As I said, try to be more efficient with finance.. the benefit of coupling up is that you can share a lot of things which lead to money saving and thus ease your financial pressure.