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LegacyUser

How do you open up? How do you make yourself emotionally available for love, romance, a relationship, a significant other?

I'm asking as a 26 year old woman who has been single forever, who on the surface has a lot to offer. I'm smart, friendly, ambitious, decent looking. But also the most insular, closed and cynical person when it comes to the opposite sex and I'm at the point where I know that something in me has to change if I am ever going to be capable of having a relationship.

I have flings, I've had fcuk buddies, one night stands, drunken hook-ups but nothing ever comes of them, I guess I don't have the self esteem to look for or expect any more. I hate my body, for one. I'm working against a deep history of food and eating issues that makes it difficult for me to see myself as attractive, despite a fair bit of attention from the opposite sex. I never feel 'good enough' on that front. And I guess I've done the sex-only thing for so long that it's hard to see myself as 'girlfriend material' to anyone I am attracted to.

I tried internet dating recently, met with three different guys - two were lovely and wanted more but the attraction just wasn't there on my end, the third was a classic player-type who I ended up sleeping with a few times but it was never going to go any further. I also had a 'fling' of sorts with a friend of a friend who came to stay over the summer. In reality I was mad about him, wanted way more than sex, but 'put out' so quick that I guess that's all he saw me as. I was crazy about him, still am really, and we're friends, but I know that I'd never be more than a shag to him on the relationship level and that frustrates me.

It's like a pattern I fall into with guys that I fancy - I don't know how to make myself emotionally available so I do the sex thing. I don't know if I even am emotionally available. In fact, I'm almost certain I'm not. I'm scared of giving of myself and getting hurt. Maybe I'm too selfish for my own good.

I don't know how to get over this. I am fcuked in the head right now, convinced that this is how life will be for the rest of my days, as others begin to settle down, I'll still be on my own, with the occasional fcuk buddy to tide me over although what I want is so much more than that. It seems incredibly sad. How do I break the cycle? What the hell is wrong with me?

parrai

closedbook wrote: »

How do you open up? How do you make yourself emotionally available for love, romance, a relationship, a significant other?

I'm asking as a 26 year old woman who has been single forever, who on the surface has a lot to offer. I'm smart, friendly, ambitious, decent looking. But also the most insular, closed and cynical person when it comes to the opposite sex and I'm at the point where I know that something in me has to change if I am ever going to be capable of having a relationship.

I have flings, I've had fcuk buddies, one night stands, drunken hook-ups but nothing ever comes of them, I guess I don't have the self esteem to look for or expect any more. I hate my body, for one. I'm working against a deep history of food and eating issues that makes it difficult for me to see myself as attractive, despite a fair bit of attention from the opposite sex. I never feel 'good enough' on that front. And I guess I've done the sex-only thing for so long that it's hard to see myself as 'girlfriend material' to anyone I am attracted to.

I tried internet dating recently, met with three different guys - two were lovely and wanted more but the attraction just wasn't there on my end, the third was a classic player-type who I ended up sleeping with a few times but it was never going to go any further. I also had a 'fling' of sorts with a friend of a friend who came to stay over the summer. In reality I was mad about him, wanted way more than sex, but 'put out' so quick that I guess that's all he saw me as. I was crazy about him, still am really, and we're friends, but I know that I'd never be more than a shag to him on the relationship level and that frustrates me.

It's like a pattern I fall into with guys that I fancy - I don't know how to make myself emotionally available so I do the sex thing. I don't know if I even am emotionally available. In fact, I'm almost certain I'm not. I'm scared of giving of myself and getting hurt. Maybe I'm too selfish for my own good.

I don't know how to get over this. I am fcuked in the head right now, convinced that this is how life will be for the rest of my days, as others begin to settle down, I'll still be on my own, with the occasional fcuk buddy to tide me over although what I want is so much more than that. It seems incredibly sad. How do I break the cycle? What the hell is wrong with me?

Have you tried counselling? It may be something in your past that has shaped you viewpoint...

ElvisP

Maybe try to find something which will build your self esteem. You seem to have a poor self image i.e. that body image issue you mentioned. As per above poster, someone to talk to might help.

qwertytlk

Hi, i have a friend who used to be exactley as you described. So much so that it could have been her who wrote that a few years ago.
She had poor self image etc and only ever had one night stands or fcuk buddies. She was known for it,which was awful, but she even made a joke out the fact she was literally the town bike. It was so sad. Like you, deep down she wanted a boyfriend so bad. Wanted someone to like her enough to be in a relationship with her, not just have sex and leave it at that. But the crazy thing was that the reason she had sex so easily with men was becasuse she gave them what they wanted,thinking she would get what she wanted in return, i.e a relationship. But we all know it doesnt work this way because the reality of it is, men dont want girlfriends that are easy or known as sluts. They are fine for one night, but not seen as someone they would take home to meet the parents.
Your low self esteem issues are only being made worse by having all these one night stands too. I mean they dont make you feel good do they? And at your age, and by reading your post, its clear you have worked out that having sex with a man isnt going to get you a boyfriend, so what you need to do is stop.
Start valuing yourself, start seeing your worth. When you meet a guy you like, talk to him, get to know him a bit, and at the end of the night dont do any more than have a kiss. He will be much more likely to want to see you again. This way you will get to know a man, build a friendship ands start a real relationshp. Have him take you on dates, buy you flowers. As this is what you deserve.
Also might be a good idea to see a counsellor about your lack of confidence, but my guess is when you stop the one night stands and actually have a man interested in getting to know you instead of getting you into bed, that this will increase your self image and self worth alot! Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

I feel a bit better today, less emotional at least! I think this is just such a persistent issue for me - like 26 years of eternal singledom and of the same personal crap - that it's easy to have days where it gets you down. All it takes is for a new couple to come together (which seems to be happening a lot with friends atm) or another engagement etc and I'm back in depressed mode. I feel as if it'll never happen for me.

I think I gave the wrong first impression in my OP. I'm not riding rings around myself and I don't just sleep with anyone at the drop of a hat. I've slept with less than ten guys. In 26 years of being single, I don't think that's a lot. I've been celibate for a lot of these years. My issue is, that's usually the way it goes if I get into something with someone. I meet someone, there's chemistry, I end up sleeping with them and there's zero relationship potential right off the bat. I can do the sex thing, I just don't know how to 'get' more. I don't know how to formulate a healthy relationship, maybe because of all my self esteem issues or maybe because I'm going for the wrong guys...but it's just frustrating and a bit depressing.

qwertytlk wrote: »

Start valuing yourself, start seeing your worth

You see, this is my problem. How do you do that though? I know in theory it's the answer, but when there never was any self worth there in the first place, it's hard to just magically start thinking you're awesome and deserve more than what you're getting.

I've tried psychotherapy in the past for my food issues, it worked, to a point, but I just felt like I spent six months crying. That was about five years ago, I'm no longer in a financial position to get into that so I'm really wishing I can get through this alone.

I've joined a gym and I'm really going to focus on feeling better physically for the next while, I've a feeling that could make a huge difference. People always say 'if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?' and I really feel like that's my problem. I project such a negative self-image that there's no way anyone could 'break through' at the moment.

Thanks again for the insights. Onwards and upwards I guess

BlueCool

I read you post and I wouldn't normally respond but your post reminded me so much of me I thought I'd respond- the only difference is that I'm a guy. And I can also tell you that it will get better- so much better you won't believe it, it just take a bit of time and a bit of work.
I like your description of yourself as "I'm smart, friendly, ambitious, decent looking". I would have described myself exactly the same- but deep down I always felt I didn't quite measure up. I had lots of friends- but I kept my feelings to myself(like a closed book). I might be the loudest person at a party but I was always so frightened of saying the wrong thing that people would figure me out- that i wasn't this confident character I portrayed.
Like you I really wanted a girlfriend- someone to understand me and to love me- but I could never give it a chance. Meet someone, have a shag, never text or call...it wouldn't work out anyways. The guys I went out with used to laugh about the girls I would go for..I wouldn't go for the nice girls if you understand! I did this for years and the only thing I succeed in doing was eroding my own self esteem.
By chance one day i got talking to a complete stranger, and he told me he was a counsellor. I thought counselling was for "weak" people(I apologise if this offends anyone) and what had that to offer me. Quite alot it happens! I know think of counselling of having a chat with a friend who doesn't judge you- and can give you good advice. I went for a few weeks and completely changed my life. I'm so open to new things...even activities I would never have dreamed of trying. Everyone I knew commented on the change and said how much happier I was. For the first time in my life i don't doubt myself and I am really happy...and I'm sure you can be too! Talk to someone you "really" trust and just see what come up....

snotboogie

Not sleeping with guys the first time you meet them is just a small component of a much bigger problem. I've gone out with some amazing girls who I met as one night stands, the overall way in which you carry yourself is the most important aspect in determining how a man will view you.
Just another observation from your story is that you seem to be sleeping with guys who might be a bit out of your league while you don't seem to be giving the "lovely guys" enough of a chance for an attraction to build. Maybe you need to reassess what you are looking for in a partner and start focusing on qualities other than good looks....

LegacyUser

Thanks BlueCool and Snotboogie (great name!!)

BlueCool, your post made me feel a little more normal. I could have a lot worse problems, that's for sure. And at least I'm getting laid, right??! Nah seriously, it's encouraging to see that you've come through the other end with this and I know I'll get there eventually, I just have some work to do on myself. I often think I'm such an unhappy, insecure person right now and it's fundamentally right that I don't end up in a relationship until I sort that out. I don't want to drag someone else down or end up in a destructive relationship that would double my problems.

Snotboogie - that wasn't fun to read but I think you're onto something. Looks seems to be a number one for me and I'll ignore a lot of red flags if I'm attracted to a guy. I nearly think it's the traits of a typical player / guy who only wants to shag me that attract me...if a guy expresses too much of an interest in me I'm a goner. I go for the ones that I know I can't have. Maybe the ones that are emotionally unavailable because I am the same?

But then I think, how do you change what you're attracted to? I can't help that I want the hot guys. Not even necessarily the hot guys - I mean I'm not looking for or attracted to superstar looks. For example the friend of a friend that I fell for recently wasn't all that, but his personality was gold, funniest and most charismatic guy I've met in a long time and that's what drew me (and countless other women) in. The 2 internet dates I had, I met up with each multiple times, kissed each, gave it as much as I could with each to the point where I knew there was just zilch on the attraction front for me and it wasn't fair, despite them being lovely guys. It's not that I'm not trying. It's that I can't force attraction and I wouldn't have 26 years of singledom behind me if I had it in me to overlook that.

Thanks again for the feedback. It's eye opening.

PennyLane88

Closed book - i can totally relate to your post. I dont like one night stands, never see the point and doesnt do much for your self esteem.
My problem is that i find it hard to open up to people, trust is a serious thing for me.

I mean i'm a nice person, and people say i'm good looking (not being cocky, just saying), but never had a proper relationship.

So now is my time to do stuff that i want, and i've stopped looking for a relationship, cos maybe thats not what i need.

Soul Stretcher

Just my 2 cents

• Don't make being "emotionally available" a goal. It's like the end of the rainbow, you will never get there. Do you really want to be wide open with all and sundry anyway. If you had been emotionally available with the people you slept with in the past, how many times would your heart have been broken ? Perhaps, your subconcious is protecting you from heart-ache but shutting down when you go too far too soon with strangers. Do you only really need to be emotionally available to your loving bf ? Given the Trust required for that.

• I don't believe in "leagues". You are just as entitled to go after the Johnny Depp lookalike as a Supermodel is. What has looks got to do with a successful long-term relationship ? 50% maybe - certainly not the be-all and end-all. It is perfectly normal and right to go after people you fancy - don't stop that. One man's rubbish is another's man treasure etc. There is deep-rooted genetic/psychological reasons why you are attracted to Man A instead of Man B. Work with that drive and not against it. I think it's kind of Nazi-ist to think "Well I'm a 4 on the Attraction scale, so that means I can only go after a person who's a 4 as well or lower !" C'mon we're not machine parts - only compatible with similar parts. We're spiritual, physical, emotional beings and attraction is a sum of the whole package. Too complex for our thinking mind to understand.

• Feeling good about yourself is primary. However you achieve this, it will be a life-changer. Similar to above, you will never get to the place where you 100% love yourself every day.. but, in my mind, the key is just to shut up the negative self-talk and just go with the flow.

• What about the friend of a friend ? Why on earth could it not work out ? You say he only sees you as a shag - are you sure of this ? Or are you only assuming this ? How about asking him out on a proper date ???? What have you to lose ?

• As others have suggested, I'd cut down on the random sex for a while. Just to give yourself a breather and space to look at things coolly and rationally. To give yourself time to trust yourself to do the right thing for you. How about just giving guys your number and a kiss on the first night and have a goal of going for a meal or something before anything physical happens. If you start behaving like a Lady, your self-doubting mind might actually start to believe that you are one (which I know you are - you just can't see it now).

Amateur psychology over !! I really wish you the best of luck.. and happiness in whatever form you get it.

Emme

OP you're only 26. Take time out from the one night stands. Sometimes sexual excess can go hand-in-hand with eating disorders - ie when you apparently resolve the eating disorder something else raises it's head.
The eating disorders and one-night-stands are your ways of beating yourself up.

Deep down do you really believe that giving a guy what he wants on the first night will hold his interest? Or do you think that you don't deserve anything better than a drunken fling or one-night-stand. Sometimes that can be triggered by a bad experience from the past.

Start looking after yourself. Eat healthily and take regular exercise. I'd recommend a group/team activity (tag rugby or bootcamp) rather than spending hours on your own in the gym. Zumba classes can be fun.

Good luck.