Long Distance relationships

careymary

Hi,
I have recently been seeing a guy whom i get on really well with, theres a spark and plenty of banter, he is great fun to be around and for some unknown reason seems to think the same about me!
All sounds great but (why does there always have to be a but!) he lives about 2hrs 30 mins away from me.
I know that its putting me off and last time we met up, he said why couldnt we live nearer? so its obviously on his mind too but we havnt really spoken about the distance, infact we havnt really spoken about what we are to each other yet, or where we see things going.
I know if he lived in the same area as me, I would be going for it full steam ahead and see what happens but I cant help thinking there is more of an expectation for it to be a serious thing or be leading to a serious thing if we jump in with the distancce involved.
I guess what i am wondering is does anyone here have experience of a LDR, or would you consider one?

Giselle

When I hear of Long Distance Relationship, I think Ireland-England, Ireland-US, or at least a train ride involving a border crossing!

It would be more convenient if you lived closer, but I don't think a 2hr+ commute constitutes long distance.:)

Siuin

I'm currently in a LDR (try 5,000km :P) and all's going really well He comes to me for a few weeks around Christmas, I spend the summer months over with him. We chat every night on skype (I even have chats with his mom a few times a week :P), and tbh while I'm in college this really is the best option- he works long hours and I'm busy doing assignments and whatnot. In mid 2013 when I graduate and his contract is up, we're going to decide where we'll live. It can work if you've got something else to distract yourself, and we have had hard times (it never gets easier saying goodbye in the airport- it's such a horrible experience...) but if you love them enough, you can make it work

Dolbert

I have to agree, 2.5 hours does not a LDR make!
When I started going out with my bf we were 2 hours apart, I never considered it an issue tbh.
If you like each other enough and it's meant to be it should be fine.
One of you might have to consider moving eventually though.

harrythehat

What the other posters are saying makes sense, but having said that when I was doing Dublin -Limerick he might as well have been on Mars for all that I felt we were in an LDR. The week nights were a bit lonely at times but we skyped a lot and called, and I'll never forget when he opened the door to me after a week away and I'd just drop whatever baggage I had on me for a big smooch!

shinikins

I think you might be being a little harsh on the OP, okay maybe she doesn't have an expanse of water or several countries between herself and her boyfriend, but perhaps she lives in a rural area with no local bus and doesn't drive. Two hours is nothing when you have a car you can jump in, but trust me, its huge when you have to figure out timetables for three or more buses, and that's before you've even thought about what train you need to get.
I've done it in the past, I was in Laois, he was in Wicklow, and while he drove, I didn't at the time, and there was no bus. So what would have been a nearly three hour commute in the car turned into epic journeys for me. The local taxi service wouldn't turn up, which would mean missing the once an hour town link, which would mean missing the once every hour and a half train. Once I got to Houston Station it wasn't too bad, luas or bus to Tara Street, and the train to Bray, or Greystones if I was lucky, but then there was another wait on a bus, then yet another town link, then a 25 minute walk to his house in the middle of nowhere. What might be less than 3 hours as the crow flies turns into 5 1/2 on a good day, I can recall more than once the trip took 8+ hours, trains break down, full buses pass you by.
Skype and facebook chat is great, OP, if you really like this guy, and he feels the same then communication is the way to go. You can always move closer to each other later on.

Giselle

shinikins wrote: »

I think you might be being a little harsh on the OP, okay maybe she doesn't have an expanse of water or several countries between herself and her boyfriend, but perhaps she lives in a rural area with no local bus and doesn't drive. Two hours is nothing when you have a car you can jump in, but trust me, its huge when you have to figure out timetables for three or more buses, and that's before you've even thought about what train you need to get.

I was assuming it was 2 and a half door to door. Its not Dublin - Sydney! I know it seems a long way, but a long commute, while inconvenient, isn't the same as different time zones or a day long journey, never mind different continents.

I think she'd feel better about it if she thought about it with a bit more perspecive. Its a pain of a journey, but its not insurmountable if you like the guy enough. I think its the last bit thats key. She's just not sure if she likes him enough to commit to the commute.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

shinikins wrote: »

......then yet another town link, then a 25 minute walk to his house in the middle of nowhere.

He made you walk 25 minutes to his house after all that, and him with a car?

Hope you dumped the fecker

DRakE

my girlfriend has lived in manchester for the last year

man up

Princess Peach

My boyfriend lives a 2 and a half hour train ride away from me It works really well for us. I really love him so we both make a good effort to see each other. Usually ever second weekend, sometimes can be a few weekends in a row if we are free. We really make a lot of the time we spend together. My last boyfriend lived in my town, about 10 minutes away and we say each other maybe once a week for a few hours. With my new boyfriend we will spend the whole weekend together, a few days in a row like. Definitely seems like I'm spending more time with him! It is hard sometimes, when we are both at home doing nothing and if we lived closer we could be together alright. Miss him so much sometimes.

Moving to Canada in January so will maybe only see him once next year when he visits. Its easier these days to be in a distance relationship. We talk on a messenger app pretty much all day everyday. We have our own private group on facebook to send each other messages and links.

If you really like him give it a go. I guess the big question is, how long will it be long distance? I don't have a career here in my town so could easily move to Dublin after I finish college in Canada, or he said he would consider moving there if I wanted. I know it might be early days for you to be thinking so far ahead, but if its not a possibility at all maybe have a think about it. There may need to be a compromise somewhere down the line.

padz

i think 2.30hrs is kinda long distance, ive hit it off wit people then when we both found out where we lived we just kinda left it at that but it depends on the person,... i got the map out and a compass, put the center where i am and opened the width to 25miles so if you draw a circle from edge to edge its 50miles, anythin outside that is long distance for me, inside the circle is my dating area sounds dumb but to me it makes sence

Wibbs

More suited to this forum OP

shinikins

Giselle wrote: »

I was assuming it was 2 and a half door to door. Its not Dublin - Sydney! I know it seems a long way, but a long commute, while inconvenient, isn't the same as different time zones or a day long journey, never mind different continents.

I think she'd feel better about it if she thought about it with a bit more perspecive. Its a pain of a journey, but its not insurmountable if you like the guy enough. I think its the last bit thats key. She's just not sure if she likes him enough to commit to the commute.

Your right, its not Dublin-Sydney, but neither of us know OP's circumstances-if she comes back and says its a 2 hour car trip well then fair enough, thats more than manageable-I did the same myself at the start of my current relationship. But if she is in the same boat as I was in then she has my sympathy. 1 taxi , 5 bus's and a train and a 25 minute walk is not a simple journey and is not door to door, and constitutes long distance for me. As I said, on a good day I could make it in 5 1/2 hours, but its rare to see a day like that with public transport in Ireland. Most of the time I would eventually arrive at his place cold wet and miserable late in the evening after having left early in the morning. Very hard to sustain in the long term.

deccurley wrote: »

He made you walk 25 minutes to his house after all that, and him with a car?

Hope you dumped the fecker

Thats why I said "ex", although it wasn't purely because of that. In fairness to him(and I hate to defend him) he was working two jobs at the time, and I would rarely arrive at a time when he could pick me up, before he had to start his second job-I've yet to see an Irish bus or train that runs on time!

careymary

Hi all, thanks for the replies

The 2&half hour distance is how far apart we live, and I would still consider that a distance even if we both had cars.

I dont have a car at the min, and he lives in a very rural town,basically two bus trips away, with one bus a day running to his town, unfortunatly the bus I would have to get to get to the local bus doesnt arrive in on time i.e. bus 1 leaves at 4 arrives at 6, bus 2 leaves at 5.30 kinda job! Making me travelling up very difficult - I cant afford to taxi it the last part of the journey, he cant be gauranteed he can collect me as he shares a car with his brother, as he has had to give up his job.

Also he cant really commit to coming to visit me as he has moved home to care for his father and mind the family farm so it would involve him getting someone to take his place while he is gone which is ok every now and again but hardly sustainable!

I guess my point was that I feel that all the effort involved in organising it would put alot of pressure on us both at the start of a relationship, if we were together for a while and then he or I moved it would be different, it would still be difficult but at least ye would have had a base in your relationship.
Even though I know I really like him I think we will have to give it a miss until circumstances change for one of us, we are both in our thirties, I thought life was meant to get easier as we got older!

Good luck to everyone who is in a LDR at the min, I do admire ye, its not an easy position to be in but hopefully your OH makes it all worthwhile for you!

harrythehat

harrythehat wrote: »

What the other posters are saying makes sense, but having said that when I was doing Dublin -Limerick he might as well have been on Mars for all that I felt we were in an LDR. The week nights were a bit lonely at times but we skyped a lot and called, and I'll never forget when he opened the door to me after a week away and I'd just drop whatever baggage I had on me for a big smooch!

Well, that's just how you felt. You were in the same time zone, you could call each other anytime, see each other every weekend if you wanted. That is not a LDR. I know most aren't as extreme as mine was (he was in the Far East for a year and I saw him in person twice that year), but it's only really an issue if you're going weeks and weeks without seeing each other, IMO.

When I see this topic come up again and again, I just think, if a few hours of travelling once a week is too much, then how bothered are you about the relationship? If I really liked someone, I'd be fine with doing England-Ireland, or even most places in Europe, at least until one of us was able to move when it got serious. The idea of turning down a great relationship because the person is 2 hours away in the same country is laughable to me, but each to their own I suppose. Just please don't pretend that a few hours in the car or on the train is some huge effort.

Squiggler

I actually think that it is no harm to have to put in a bit of effort to see one another... it tests the committment of each person to pursuing the relationship and that can only be a good thing. If it is too much hassle for either party then it's better to find that out now than a few years down the line when busy schedules conflict or someone has to move away for work and it turns out that years have been wasted.

When my oh and I started our romance we were living over 5,000km apart. We managed to find time to talk on skype before and after work each day, in spite of the time difference. Seeing each other was expensive and had to be well planned, but we managed and we've now been married 2 years (he moved here).

Oh, and I also think distance helps to slow things down so that people get to know each other pretty well before the physical side of the relationship takes over.

Ireland is a small country, and sooner or later almost everyone will end up in one of the cities or a larger town.

Just my two cent worth.

Siuin

Squiggler wrote: »

I actually think that it is no harm to have to put in a bit of effort to see one another... it tests the committment of each person to pursuing the relationship and that can only be a good thing. If it is too much hassle for either party then it's better to find that out now than a few years down the line when busy schedules conflict or someone has to move away for work and it turns out that years have been wasted.

When my oh and I started our romance we were living over 5,000km apart. We managed to find time to talk on skype before and after work each day, in spite of the time difference. Seeing each other was expensive and had to be well planned, but we managed and we've now been married 2 years (he moved here).

Oh, and I also think distance helps to slow things down so that people get to know each other pretty well before the physical side of the relationship takes over.

Ireland is a small country, and sooner or later almost everyone will end up in one of the cities or a larger town.

Just my two cent worth.

I hope I have this situation too in the future! Flights are terribly expensive alright :S And so true about it slowing things down and allowing you to really get to know the person beyond the physical- I really do think that it was that year of chatting with him before meeting face to face which really gave us the close connection we have today.

charlietheminxx

I'm in a LDR and so far so good!

OP, you said you haven't discussed the issue of distance? That would be the first thing to do. You both have to be aware of the challenges you face and eachothers expectations.

chickenbutt

I would give anything to be within driving distance of my boyfriend!! 4,000 miles and an ocean apart is just too far! I never thought I would be in a LDR myself, but I met my boyfriend and after dating for 8 months, when it came time to decide what we'd do since I was moving away, I am so glad we chose to continue long distance. Best decision we've made! It's hard work and isn't always fun, but you get to develop other aspects of your relationship. For instance, I am learning how to trust like crazy!!

Don't let a few hours get in the way of something that might turn out to be great. Have a chat and see how you both feel about it.

h57xiucj2z946q

I was in LDR with someone from west coast of USA for 3 years. Thats over 5,000 miles away. Met her when she was in a study abroad program in Ireland. We are now living together in Ireland.

Siuin

Aryan Cold Hangman wrote: »

I was in LDR with someone from west coast of USA for 3 years. Thats over 5,000 miles away.

Oh the competition is on!
Glad to hear it turned out well for ye

daenerysstormborn3

I was in a long distance relationship for a year with my boyfriend before I moved to be closer to him.

We were a 2/2.5 hour train journey away but only saw each other once a month for 2 days maximum because he was in college and caring for his father. The fact we saw each other so little meant we had to cram so much into one weekend.

In the beginning it was great because we had the fun of discovering each other and getting to know each other but after a while as we got more involved and closer it became really really hard and it was upsetting to say goodbye and know we wouldn't see each other for ages. In the end I ended up moving down to him and obviously it has worked out. I was lucky enough to find a job and things are going great for us.

The only thing I will say about getting involved in a long distance relationship is that you need to consider that at some point one person will have to make the sacrifice and move. You need to consider if you will ever be prepared to do that as regards family, friends, your career, your living situation (whether you're renting/have a mortgage), there is a bit to consider. I was lucky that everything just fell into place at the right time.