How to get over somebody that wasn't a boyfriend?

LegacyUser

I'm just devastated at the moment. Basically I was seeing a guy for around ten months but because of health reasons and his relationship issues he was never my boyfriend. We went on dates to the Cinema, Zoo,gigs, etc and We were intimate. He is twenty seven, I'm twenty three.

He's never had a proper relationship in his life, the longest he was seeing a girl was three months. He ended things yesterday saying he needs to concentrate on himself and he just cant handle a relationship at the moment. I knew this was coming but I'm devastated, we got on so well and had so much in common, I just cant cope, how can I get over him??

mspink

I really feel your pain I was in the exact same situation as you except mine lasted 2 and half yrs! I'm glad it happened because I learned so much about what I want and don't want from a relationship but I wouldn't do it again.
I know you're probably in too much pain to see this now but you deserve someone who will commit to you fully no matter what his issues are.
Just beware, my guy came crawling back begging to get back together a month after he ended things so abruptly but thank god I resisted because I knew he would never change and never be able to fully give me what I wanted from a relationship but it took me nearly 3 yrs to finally admit that to myself. Please don't waste as much time as I did on this guy.
I wish you all the best x

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response, Its just so hard especially when he was so lovely to me and I felt like he was opening up to me a bit now its over and I'm lost.

I am a friend

He may have been lovely to you but he wouldn't commit at all and in effect, from the way you described it, ye were only friends with benefits. Better you are free now to meet someone who can & will give you the full package.

LegacyUser

It was more than friends with benefits though to me because I never felt the pressure to have sex with him, we didn't always have sex sometimes I would stay over and we would just cuddle, it was just a messed up situation..

Oryx

It doesnt matter that you dont give him the title 'boyfriend'. The feelings involved (on your side at least) are the same. So realise this was a relationship even if you didnt call it one, and allow yourself to grieve the loss of it. It takes time, thats the only real way to make this better.

I am a friend

Op I know it meant more to YOU...

If he was the man for you he would not be leaving things so loose as he would be worried someone else would snap you up...

Know your worth and move on while learning from this experience.

puffin24

This is unfortunately one of those things most of us will have to go through. It may be even more mixed up for you than usual as you didnt have the title of "girlfriend" so you may be even more confused. By the sounds of it this was an intense and complicated relationship, but you will get over it. And dont start worrying about him, and how he must be in this "weird place" to end it, and hes just "working through things" and maybe you will get back together because he was so sweet and nice to you. The fact is its over. He not "messed up", he will be fine, its time to be good to yourself and dont worry about anyone else. Your strong and you will get over this.

LegacyUser

I should add in regards to his health he suffers from an undiagnosed condition where he could be in bed up to seven days with a crippling headache, its taken its toll on his life so add his relationship issues to this it really was a messed up thing.

He's never let a girl get close to him before I was the only one he opened up to about his head and his family issues, I just feel stupid now for feeling like I was 'special' to him.

puffin24

No, you shouldnt feel stupid, and you shouldnt feel sorry for him. You are now not the person who should be worrying about him. He ended it, Im sure he had his reasons and fretting about his health will just lead you into using it to make excuses for him. You are your own person, he is not yours to care for. He can take care of himself, and if he cant, someone else will. He will be fine. You are the good guy here! Meet up with friends and enjoy yourself. By the sounds of it, this relationship probably took up a lot of your time and they may be missing you.

Simi know it all

Jayses girl, he was banana head and he doesn't deserve you!!!!! Problem with relationship but he has no problem to sleep with you on regular basis????? My advise???
Forget him, get laid with someone else just for one night, (every body are allowed that for once ), get drunk and remember the man who is worth it your tears will never make you cry!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everyone, my self esteem has plummeted he was always really attracted to me and people tell me I'm gorgeous etc but now I feel like rubbish because I feel like if I was better in some way or changed he might have committed to me.

He said he knew guys would be trying me but he has never got jealous over any girl in his life, he says he doesn't every feel that way about girls. He said he wanted to get out because feelings are getting involved now.

Distorted

He's not been lovely to you at all - he's used you for sex, knowing you wanted a relationship, and then dumped you. He will probably continue to use you for sex sporadically if you let him. I think you should stop idolising him and judge him on his actions. He has quite possibly only let you see snapshots of him at his best and left you wanting more. Yet the reality isn't probably half as good.

You have to question why this mysterious condition is undiagnosed - if it causes him to spend a week at a time unable to move from his bed, you would have thought it would be diagnosable. Is it really headaches, or some kind of social or personality disorder? One which obviously does not preclude him from having sex and short term relationships.

Do you really want someone who can't make long term social attachments?

eolasguy

Simi know it all wrote: »

Jayses girl, he was banana head and he doesn't deserve you!!!!! Problem with relationship but he has no problem to sleep with you on regular basis????? My advise???
Forget him, get laid with someone else just for one night, (every body are allowed that for once ), get drunk and remember the man who is worth it your tears will never make you cry!!!!!!!

Banana head?? Really? Think you need learn some offensive insults before giving advice.

Best of luck OP.

Firetrap

It doesn't really matter that he wasn't a proper boyfriend to you. And he wasn't by any means - read all the comments above this one. A part of you thought he was though which is why you're now devastated. Therefore, you need to do the one thing you don't want to. Cut contact. Yep. Delete his number, ignore any calls or texts from him. Defriend and block him on Facebook. Tis a cliché but time is a great healer.

You might not think it now but he has done you a big favour by dumping you. Once you start to get over this split, you will start to put things into perspective and see things differently.

parrai

Unfortunately, you need let this guy go... I say unfortunately because this is probably how it will feel for you... As said above, 'YOU are the victim in this', but not really the victim, cause you have empathy, understanding and the ability to love... You really need to let this one go, it sounds and probably will be difficult, but it's for the best...

If it was as good as you felt with him, he would be feeling it to and not let you feel like this... Having said that, in the future he may realise how good you were together when he winds up with someone who is not like you, understanding and empathic.

As advised by others here, spend some time with your friends, don't be on your own. Keep yourself occupied and who knows, as is always the way, someone else better will be around the corner...

LegacyUser

I just keep thinking there's something wrong with me, the sad thing is I would change for him..

parrai

feelingsad wrote: »

He's never had a proper relationship in his life, the longest he was seeing a girl was three months. He ended things yesterday saying he needs to concentrate on himself and he just cant handle a relationship at the moment.

For someone that never had a proper relationship in his life, he didn't recognise a good one when he had it...

I do not mean to come across as hurtful... I think you have given him confidence and now he is off, at the drop of a hat, not taking your feelings into consideration...Does this sound like what you deserve after helping him in his forst relationship in 27 years? Why should you change? You were good enough for 10 months...

I feel bad for you as you come across as genuine... You have to be strong.... as I and others have said, go out with your friends, meet new people, it'll take time but I assure you this will pass, especially if you keep occupied... don't let this change you cause some other guy will see these nice qualities in you... Don't give up hope... Talk to someone face to face and don't keep it to yourself or just on here.

Get out in the air and walk and talk with friends, it'll clear your head...

LegacyUser

Thanks all, today hasn't been too bad but the pain is still there.
Should I delete him from facebook or would it be incredibly childish?

parrai

feelingsad wrote: »

Thanks all, today hasn't been too bad but the pain is still there.
Should I delete him from facebook or would it be incredibly childish?

I would, it's part of the process of moving on... If it were the case of an amicable split, it would be different... But for yourself, I think it would be better cause then you don't have to be looking at him...

You have to let him go in order to get over him...