fancying your mate....getting over it

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,
I need some advice. Bit of a long one.

I joined a club a few years back. Made loads of new friends and that. One person in particular became particularly close too. We were travelling there together and just got on really well. Anyway I was going out with someone at the time but eventually I was spending more time with this new friend. Eventually I ended my relationship. Not because I wanted the other person but because I wasn't happy in that relationship.
I continued to see/hear from this club mate person everyday, it got to a stage where I decided to say something about it. I didn;t like that we were practically a couple but not. So i said to him. "I really like you...etc". He said ok lets talk about it during the week. First time I'd ever said that to someone. We talked about it, he mentioned something about dating and I said ok. He never once mentioned to me he liked me although he did say after that he had a thing for me a while back.

2.5 months nothing happened. I really lost it in this time, mixed emotions, have I messed up the friendship etc. I then invited him over for dinner. Nice evening and watched a movie. He made a move. We slept together but it didn't go well, I was so nervous/anxious especially after the 2.5months of waiting. We were together twice more didn't go great and then on one night out with mates he just left and said he wasn't interested. We met next day and he said he wasn't into a realtionship but I knew it was the sex thing. I just said "Look I'm not a weirdo and I really value our friendship" all well and no mishaps besides one drunken snog soon after that. I felt maybe it was for the best and sure gave it a shot so proud of that.

Anyway it's been a fair time after that (1.5years) and we are friends. We hang out, sometimes alone and I still enjoy his company but if we're out with mates he noticebly avoids me. I do still fancy him, it's normal for crushes to happen between friends but It's not out of control and I just want to have craic with my mate. He probably doesn't want to lead me on but what only hurts is the shortness he has with me and the fact that we don't really have a laugh together like we used to.

In any case what advice I would like is there anyone who has been on either side of this situation. Should I mention it to him???.

In my mind it's not going to happen romantically so I don't want a big "why aren't you being a better friend to me" conversation when I feel that friends should be easy. I want to move on but we will still see eachother and I can't avoid him and ignoring him just seems kind of childish. We got on so well before, ok it didn't work out between us, such is life but I am still the same person??
Also all the other friendships have suffered as I am trying to step away from him a little but we have so many common friends now.

Will it just take more time,????

Should I accept it for what it is, a pseudo-friendship built on politeness as we have to see eachother. If I mention it will it just make it worse. Should I let it run it's course over time the friendship might reestablish.???

ANy advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Another chump.

In case it matters we are both blokes but I would like any advice from any experiences with a similar situation.

LegacyUser

I've been here, in fact I'm still here, and it sucks

I'm a girl and a became really good friends with a guy. Lived with him abroad and we got very close. When we came back to Ireland we messed around drunkenly a few times and things didn't go anywhere. The friendship has been very different since then. Not as easy, there's a little barrier, one of us always worried what the other one will read something into a text that's not there or whatever.

And we didn't even sleep together!!

You say that he's avoiding you in groups. Did your mutual friends know about what happened between ye? (in my own situation the guy in particular was tormented about me from his friends- I should add that they're not jocks, they're a mixed group of, for want of a better word, misfits). Is it possible that he's feeling that your friends are looking out for any 'spark' between you?

Also wondering if one of you are not out yet?

Maybe it's not a case of him not wanting to be your friend, more that he has no idea how to deal with it. Once the barrier gets crossed, it's very difficult to cross back!! And it's always awkward to talk to someone once you've seen them naked.

Of course you're still the same person but the dynamic of the friendship has changed now, if this has been going on for so long it's hard to see past the mixed feelings, drunken snogs etc.

Honestly if you want my advice, move on from him. Don't talk to him about it, I think it may do more harm than good to constantly reflect on your friendship. Sure be pleasant to him and whatever, the friendship MAY reestablish, but at the moment you need to put yourself first. His being weird about you is outside your control, but you can control how you deal with it. Accept that there's nothing wrong with you at all, you've been really mature and honest in the whole situation, if he can't deal with the awkwardness it's not your problem.

It's easy to idolise a friendship or a relationship. Get out there and find more friends, ones that have nothing to do with this guy. Sure keep in contact with him and your mutual friends. And the mutual friends don't need to suffer if you and the other guy are polite to each other, and you can still meet them on a one-to-one level.

Finally I said I'm still there- I'm not really, only in my head. I've moved away, and despite my friend's promises, I've gotten one group text off him in over two months. (And I've contacted him by text and Facebook, only to be ignored). It proved to me that he wants to let the friendship die. It's hard, it cuts me to the quick when I see all the fun he appears to be having on Facebook, but it's what he wants and I can't change it (although, I've also presented a very happy face to Facebook too! )

I'm not saying that your friend is like that, but a friendship can't be one-sided. Don't push him into something he doesn't want.

Hope this helps and you feel better soon

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Can't be easy, particularly if it's over a year and things are still not right. I usually run with the "time heals all wounds" mantra but it seems this is not true in your case. I'm a guy btw, and I'm going through something not too dissimilar at the moment, albeit much earlier in the process than you. I got feelings for a girl I've been friends with for over 6 months, we got very close, talk every day etc but she's not into me. It came to a bit of a head for me recently, wasn't sure how to go on without opening my heart and telling her how I feel, luckily I kept my feelings to myself and we're getting on fine, but tbh I'm not sure how long the friendship will last.

My opinion, is that guys and girls are not supposed to be 'friends'. They can be in a relationship but friendship is not possible in most cases because one party usually wants more than the other and this leads to an imbalance - one party is going to lose out. At it's most basic level, guys become friends with girls to (1) sleep with them or (2) start a relationship with them. In your case, this guy doesn't seem to have ever been really in to you, he may have had a thing for you at the start but it doesn't appear to have been very strong, if it was, you'd probably be together right now.

I hope this doesn't make you feel worse than you did before, I know exactly how you are feeling and it is the toughest pain I have felt, ever. The easiest way for you to deal with this is to move on, continue to see him and hang out with him, but move on mentally. If he feels that you are still attracted to him you will push him away further. Once you get over the attraction, you may be able to become good friends with him again and prove my opinion above wrong.

LMR

P.S. You are not a chump, the chump is the one who never allows someone into their heart.

LegacyUser

Thanks to the above two for advice, really appreciate it. The following was brilliant and really makes sense.



[q]Honestly if you want my advice, move on from him. Don't talk to him about it, I think it may do more harm than good to constantly reflect on your friendship. Sure be pleasant to him and whatever, the friendship MAY reestablish, but at the moment you need to put yourself first. His being weird about you is outside your control, but you can control how you deal with it. Accept that there's nothing wrong with you at all, you've been really mature and honest in the whole situation, if he can't deal with the awkwardness it's not your problem.[q]

In looking at it written down it is such a non-problem. Mates are mates no matter what and I know that hanging on to something that isn't there is a mistake.