Is he faking orgasms?

worryingwife

Was not sure to post in relationships or ttc but was hoping for some male opinions. We started trying for another 4 mhs ago. My husband didnt want anymore kids. I explained my feelings and so did he. My feelings overwhelmed us so much, that after loads of arguing the husband changed his mind and said fine we will have another. I knew he was not happy and I was being selfish but its want I wanted.

So we started having sex without contraceptives but I think he is faking cause I can normally tell by his breathing when he is close to coming and before when we used condoms he would stay inside for a few seconds cause he said it hurt to withdraw too soon. Now when we are doing it he just says is it ok to come his breathing doesnt really change and he cant pull out quick enough.

I asked him if he was faking and he said no and got annoyed. I woud prefer if he told me so that I didnt get my hopes up thinking each month if I could be pregnant.

What do you think, hoping i get some male replies.

tenchi-fan

Op, if you don't know, how do you expect us to know!

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. Talk to him more about having another kid and see if he opens up any.

Miss Fluff

I'm not being smart but you already have children so I'm sure you know how reproduction works. If he comes inside you then there'll be semen in your vagina - have you thought of perhaps checking after intercourse to see if this is the case?

Sleepy

I wouldn't blame him if he was tbh. You're quite clearly ignoring his opinion on the matter even when you know you're being selfish. He obviously doesn't know a lot about biology though because the withdrawal method is so unreliable I'd almost recommend it to couples that are trying to conceive!

I think you need to have a calm conversation with your husband about your desire to have more children. Your description of your last conversation on the topic reads as if you threw so many tantrums on the issue he went along for the sake of a quiet life tbh.

Esoteric_

You need to talk to youe husband properly to know if he is or not, or check yourself after sex as one poster pointed out.

Either way, he clearly doesn't want another child and it sounds like you pressured him into it, so don't be surprised if he is faking.

floorpie

Yeah, seems like there's a few simple solutions to figuring this one out, e.g. stand up.

Having said that, obvious pools of semen aside, your reasons for doubting him aren't necessarily the best ways to figure out the truth; it's possible to orgasm in all sorts of different ways. To be frank, i think it takes more 'faking' to have the breathless body-shaking type than the type he's having now.

Sleepy wrote: »

He obviously doesn't know a lot about biology though because the withdrawal method is so unreliable I'd almost recommend it to couples that are trying to conceive!

They aren't using the withdrawal method, but just as an aside, failure rates for that method are around the same as condom usage, though higher than pill usage. And perfect usage shows that it's basically as effective as perfect usage of condoms, as counter intuitive as that sounds. Obviously it wont prevent STI's so it depends on the situation. I'm just saying it just in case there are couples reading this who're relying on it, and also because it definitely isn't the method to use if you're trying to get pregnant (unless you want a 96% chance of not conceiving in a given year).

Neyite

OP,
I have been off contraception since July 09, trying for a baby. Trust me, you would know if he is faking it, since you would have no semen dripping out of you. It all comes out at some point, the minute you stand up. The sperm swim in that through your system so after an hour or two, what drips out of you no longer contains live sperm.

I think he probably pulls out because your demands have changed the dynamic of your lovemaking - you want something out of it, he does not. Its a good chance that he is not enjoying it the way he used to and thats what has changed.

gerryk

worryingwife wrote: »

I knew he was not happy and I was being selfish but its want I wanted

I'm sensing a general lack of communication in this relationship.
Can you not just ask him?

LegacyUser

I know biology and there is stuff coming out but not sure if its me or him. Gerry I did ask him and he said he did. I know he doesnt want to have another and i probably did throw enough tantrums but its easy for people to say lack of consideration for him. In this situation its someone wins someone loses, should I put my feelings and need aside because he doesnt want another. If I do that, I am afraid I will always resent him and yes I do know that is selfish and I have tried to forget about another and put my mind to other things but its constantly nagging at me.

aidan24326

worryingwife wrote: »

My feelings overwhelmed us so much, that after loads of arguing the husband changed his mind and said fine we will have another. I knew he was not happy and I was being selfish but its want I wanted.

You're being extremely selfish. Aside from whether he's faking, to be honest I'm surprised he wants to have sex with you at all right now. By the sounds of it you basically threw a tantrum to get your own way about something that really has to be a joint decision. Do you think that's fair?

He'll just resent you for forcing him into it, and may even resent the baby to some extent aswell since he clearly has his reasons for not wanting any more. You need a serious talk about this and that means compromise on both sides, not just you throwing your toys out of the pram until you get what you want.

Abi

Sleepy wrote: »

I wouldn't blame him if he was tbh. You're quite clearly ignoring his opinion on the matter even when you know you're being selfish. He obviously doesn't know a lot about biology though because the withdrawal method is so unreliable I'd almost recommend it to couples that are trying to conceive!

I think you need to have a calm conversation with your husband about your desire to have more children. Your description of your last conversation on the topic reads as if you threw so many tantrums on the issue he went along for the sake of a quiet life tbh.

I agree with Sleepy, it's the bit that stuck out the most reading your post OP. Do you really think that it's an ideal situation to be bringing another child into the world? If he is faking it, you have to realize that it's because he feels bullied into this. Are you really happy to ignore it?

Taltos

All - while we understand this can be an emotional topic for folk can I take the time to remind you all of our charter.

Let's keep the advice constructive and non-abusive.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Probably so, and with good reason. I hope you realize that by forcing your demands on him, you have more than likely turned what should be intimate, enjoyable lovemaking into an unpleasant situation for him. Try some empathy.

LegacyUser

To all those who are slating saying it has to be two sided and agreed on. How can that happen when one person wants one thing and the other doesnt how does that work. Have you never wanted anything in a relationship that your partner didnt, no matter how small it is. I have given a snippet of our relationship. I have compromised and given in to things I didnt agree on in the past.

If someone knows the secret to us both being happy with not getting what either wants please let me know cause certain posters are so quick to judge.

floorpie

She said they argued alot and then he changed his mind. Let me rephrase that for her "We discussed it for a long time and he then decided that it would be in our interests to try for a baby" - the same type of advice yous all give every day - 'discuss it'. If he said he changed his mind, whether he was badgered into it or not, and is now faking orgasms, the onus is on *him* to communicate the problem, or *at the very least*, there's ineffective communication going on between them. It's not her sole problem. There's no point in repeatedly telling her that she's a selfish bully.

Without being too graphic, if there's stuff dripping out as you say then it's more than likely him, especially if he did say it. Just relax and enjoy the intimacy without focusing on whether he's breathing and moving the way you expect him to, it'll work out.

LegacyUser

floorpie wrote: »

She said they argued alot and then he changed his mind. Let me rephrase that for her "We discussed it for a long time and he then decided that it would be in our interests to try for a baby" -

My feelings overwhelmed us so much, that after loads of arguing the husband changed his mind and said fine we will have another. I knew he was not happy and I was being selfish

That doesn't sound like what most people consider "discussing". Many spouses decide after "loads of arguing" to give up the effort to communicate, as eventually it becomes a waste of time. That's usually when you get "fine" as an answer, as opposed to "yes, I agree with you now that we've had some long, rational discussions".

Abi

floorpie wrote: »

She said they argued alot and then he changed his mind. Let me rephrase that for her "We discussed it for a long time and he then decided that it would be in our interests to try for a baby" - the same type of advice yous all give every day - 'discuss it'. If he said he changed his mind, whether he was badgered into it or not, and is now faking orgasms, the onus is on *him* to communicate the problem, or *at the very least*, there's ineffective communication going on between them. It's not her sole problem. There's no point in repeatedly telling her that she's a selfish bully.

I don't mean to be rude, but have you actually read this paragraph?

worryingwife wrote: »

My feelings overwhelmed us so much, that after loads of arguing the husband changed his mind and said fine we will have another. I knew he was not happy and I was being selfish but its want I wanted.

The 'onus' may very well be on him now to say something, because he allowed himself to be emotionally manipulated into having another baby. But it would never have gotten to that stage if his wife was accounting for his opinion on the matter.

Faking an orgasm is only secondary to a much bigger issue here.

floorpie

Abi wrote: »

I don't mean to be rude, but have you actually read this paragraph?

...

Faking an orgasm is only secondary to a much bigger issue here.

That's not rude, i know exactly what you mean, and of course i've read it. But the pertinent bit is "husband changed his mind and said fine we will have another". And you're right, the 'faking' *is* a secondary issue, which is exactly what i said. As Gerryk said too, there's a lack of communication which is the fundamental problem, but i'm saying that it's a two-way problem: both parties aren't communicating.

Anyway, half my point was that there's no point telling her that she's a bully as pretty much everyone has, because *nothing* you say is going to make her change her mind about wanting a baby. What they *can* do is start communicating more effectively. Anyway from her postcoital descriptions it sounds like he genuinely did change his mind, to the point that her issue now is whether he's faking or not (not that he doesn't want a baby), which, again, could be solved via communication.

Abi

floorpie wrote: »

Anyway, half my point was that there's no point telling her that she's a bully as pretty much everyone has, because *nothing* you say is going to make her change her mind about wanting a baby. What they *can* do is start communicating more effectively.

I think the bit in red exactly what changed his mind for him, and there were arguments over it. I don't see how that is 'discussing' something. I get the impression that the wife's attitude is 'my way or the highway', and the husband grew weary of it. For the sake of a peaceful life, he 'changed his mind'.

You can only hold a discussion about something if you are willing to hear the other parties points and opinions on the matter, rather than looking at it as an opportunity to sway the others opinion.

In conclusion, I think they need to go back to the drawing board on this one. If these 'discussions' wind up in arguments constantly, I think counseling needs to be considered. It is definitely not the right circumstances to be bringing a child into the world. The husband may end up resenting his wife, and resenting the child. I personally wouldn't be willing to risk a marriage for the sake of another child. If they had none at all I would in some way understand her anguish, but it still doesn't give any woman the right to remove the mans choice to not have a child.

seenitall

Hi OP,

it reads to me like you have used some good old passive aggression (i.e. tears'n'tantrums) to manipulate your OH into saying "ok,fine" to the idea of another child, and now you are using the ridiculous excuse of "well, somebody has to win" to justify your take-no-prisoners tactics. Well done you!

All in all, sounds to me like you are not the person with the Relationship Issue in your marriage. Your husband sounds like the one with the problem on his hands, so I hope for his sake that he is faking. I don't know if he deserves to undergo your special treatment (as you insinuate in your last post), but I sure wouldn't be in any hurry to bring a new life into that kind of relationship if I were him.

Oh, and I'd say I am notorious for being quick to judge around here! But at least I can admit to my shortcomings.

Maple

seenitall, continue to use such a superior and sneering tone in these forums and you will find yourself on the end of a ban.

Maple

seenitall

sorry, Maple, I know I'm being all superior and sneering!!

I'll try and stay away more.

Maple

seenitall wrote: »

sorry, Maple, I know I'm being all superior and sneering!!

I'll try and stay away more.

Infracted for muppetry

Maple

Neyite

Op,
all of us in relationships end up being on opposite sides of the discussion - some get resolved by listening to the others point of view, and meeting halfway, some we just dont win.

I am with my partner 7 years. I would love to get married, he sees it as pointless - that we are already commited, that marriage is only a bit of paper etc. I had to have a long think about this. I finally decided that I could go without a wedding, but I could not go without him. So, in your eyes, I guess I lost the battle here. But, I chose to spend my life with him because being with him is more important to me than a wedding.

And I get the burning desire to be pregnant - We were 2 years trying and had agreed to see this road to its end, wherever that lay for us. We may very well have came to a point down the line where one of us broke and said "I cant do this anymore". The other would have to try to come to terms with that, and respect the fact that the other has genuinely taken on board their feelings but still cannot do it. Trying to conceive is immensely stressful, even if you both want the same outcome. I can only imagine how horrible an atmosphere it may be if there is one very unwilling person involved.

We dont always get what we want. Sometimes we get what we get, and learn to make peace with what we never have. I think that you and your husband now distrust each other in what should be the most trusting of actions - making love. He doesnt trust you because you got your way, and I am sure it flashes through his mind every time he does orgasm that this might be the shag that conceives the child he does not want. you are suspicious that he is secretly not letting you get your way, and not giving you his semen. It sounds really unhappy OP.

Why does he not want another child? What reasons does he have? Is his concerns valid?

Abi

I just wanted to say Neyite, fair play to you for seeing your partners POV regarding being marriage. Your love for each other doesn't need validation by a piece of paper. The stress of the preparations alone can be very trying for a couple =/

Neyite wrote: »

Why does he not want another child? What reasons does he have? Is his concerns valid?

I know from your posts Neyite, that yourself and your partner are trying for a baby, and I wish you both every success, the sooner the better

Obviously it's a subject thats very close to your heart, and it's something you both hope for. It's also something you've both discussed and you're both happy to begin a family. That, is called family planning. It seems to me that in the OP's case, the buck stops with her regarding family planning.

But you are right. I would be interested in hearing what his arguments against having a child were in the first place. Timing? money? It may very well have been a case where he could have changed his mind naturally down the line, but I think the pressure applied may have been damaging, in so far as he feels he can no longer be honest with her on the matter. It may also have been damaging to the intimacy in their sexual relationship, if he is in fact pulling out before ejaculation.

OkayWhatever

I don't mean to be harsh, If the comment is, but I have no other way to really say what I want to say.

I think you both need to have a good talk about it. Both say how you feel about the subject and just talk it out. You got to just listen to his reasons and try your best to understand what he's talking about, it might change what you want if you see things from somebody else's point of view.

You can't pressure somebody into doing something they don't want to do, especially something so big and life changing. It might seem okay now because he's agreed to it, but things could get worse if he resents you over it in a few years. This problem could be the least of your worries if you don't listen to what he says.

Having a baby is something huge, it's not really a subject to be messed around with imo. Your husband should 100% want this to avoid him feeling burdened in any way, it could have a horrible end result if he ends up feeling like this.

I am a friend

Op you really need to sit back and take an outside look at your situation.

You are trying to have a baby with a man who doesn't want one and the relationship is at such a low ebb that you suspect he is faking orgasms to avoid fatherhood... No alarm bells ringing for you??? Tbh, it's ludicrous and not a healthy environment to be bringing child into.

He doesn't want a child!

Virgil°

I am a friend wrote: »

"to avoid fatherhood..."

"He doesn't want a child!"

By the OP's post They already have at least one child, the OP's husband isn't pressed on having "another".

Firetrap

It doesn't matter whether they've already got kids or not. It's clear that he doesn't want to have another one but is playing the game. Probably for a quiet life.

floorpie

Several people have said some variation of this "He's doing it for a quiet life"...this makes no sense in the situation whatsoever, in a literal and figurative sense. Would any of you have a baby against your will for 'a quiet life', realistically? The answer is 'no', before you start soul searching too hard. You'd do anything within your power to not have a baby if you deeply definitely didn't want one.

Wibbs

I dunno floorpie, I've more than one married friend who have done similar for "the quiet life". Who've gone along with another child, or even accepted "accidents" in such cases. One can be in a situation where it's the lesser of two evils for the real want of a better turn of phrase. If they had dug their heels in what could have happened? Really bad downturn in the relationship with constant arguments over it until he gives in, and if he doesn't even separation and divorce? Not great alternatives, emotionally, situationally and financially. I know of a brother of a mate who did stick to his guns over a third child and that's what happened. So it can be a factor alright.

floorpie

Yeah i half changed my mind after i wrote that, thinking of sort of similar situations. But i'm still fairly sure that if he *truly* didn't want one, down to his bones, you'd notice more obvious manifestations of it e.g. staying in work more, going out with friends more, forced changes in sleeping habits, depression, anxiety, even panic attacks etc. If he's...ejaculating inside after a few arguments and explicitly saying that he changed his mind...maybe he just changed his mind.

Edit: eh if i wasn't clear with what i meant, think of any other situation where somebody truly doesn't want to do something, and think about their multifaceted reactions to the situation. E.g. something as simple as a child not wanting to go to school because they got in trouble last week, or, for example, half the threads on the front page of PI right now about situations that people don't want to be in. They don't just go "ohhh ok i suppose i'll just do this thing i really don't want to do for a quiet life". It'd be more reasonable to assume that, if they do it, they do want to do it on some level.

Abi

floorpie wrote: »

Several people have said some variation of this "He's doing it for a quiet life"...this makes no sense in the situation whatsoever, in a literal and figurative sense. Would any of you have a baby against your will for 'a quiet life', realistically? The answer is 'no', before you start soul searching too hard. You'd do anything within your power to not have a baby if you deeply definitely didn't want one.

Wibbs is right on this one floorpie, it's far more common than you realize. It's more common that the woman puts the pressure on to have a baby, and some selfishly think they have the upper hand when it comes to these decisions. It's either say yes or they may be facing the end of a relationship. I know I wouldn't stand for it, and you wouldn't stand for it. But there many that do, just to hold it all together. Yes it is manipulative, and emotional blackmail, but it does happen.

tiny_penguin

Firetrap wrote: »

It doesn't matter whether they've already got kids or not. It's clear that he doesn't want to have another one but is playing the game. Probably for a quiet life.

Why is she being attacked for 'forcing him' to have another baby, surely if the argument/discussions had gone the other way then he could be seen as 'keeping her' from having another baby. When it comes to things like there isnt really a compromise, its either one persons way or the others or the end of the relationship. Maybe he decided that he would rather stay with her and have another baby rather than break up as there was no compromise!

Though for the OP i think there does need to be more discussion. Maybe he said he changed his mind but is still having second thoughts so his heart is not in it. You need to discuss it and come up with a solution that you are both 100% happy with!

Abi

tiny_penguin wrote: »

Why is she being attacked for 'forcing him' to have another baby,

Firstly, she's not being attacked. If there was an issue here, I'm sure the mods would step in. She by her own admission said she's acting selfishly.

surely if the argument/discussions had gone the other way then he could be seen as 'keeping her' from having another baby.

The consequences are either scenario are quite different. There are things to be considered, including the financial burden. It would be irresponsible to just have a child for no other reason than being just plain broody.

When it comes to things like there isnt really a compromise, its either one persons way or the others or the end of the relationship. Maybe he decided that he would rather stay with her and have another baby rather than break up as there was no compromise!

Thats not a good thing...

Though for the OP i think there does need to be more discussion. Maybe he said he changed his mind but is still having second thoughts so his heart is not in it. You need to discuss it and come up with a solution that you are both 100% happy with!

I can't see that happening tbh. One or the other isn't going to like the outcome, and it will be quite trying for the one that loses out. A decision like this can be a make or breaker for some.

floorpie

The reason that it looks like she's getting attacked, which she basically is, is because *every single post* has been completely irrelevant to her actual question. I mean, fundamentally, without it seeming like i'm trying to attack you....

A decision like this can be a make or breaker for some.

...nobody asked. She asked if he was faking, then with further clarification it's been established that he probably isn't, and that's it. Probing any further into it, for example calling her selfish, a bully, etc, makes it seem more like 'an attack'. And just to clarify, the mods *did* have to step in several times because of it.

Edit: Although i do get why it's such a contentious issue, it just gets to a point where saying she's selfish once again is superfluous.

Firetrap

Well if the OP decides that yes, he is faking orgasms, it's not going to solve the problem, is it? She can choose to ignore people's comments and their opinions on what's happening if she wants. Sometimes hearing advice from others who aren't personally involved can help.

Abi

floorpie wrote: »

The reason that it looks like she's getting attacked, which she basically is, is because *every single post* has been completely irrelevant to her actual question. I mean, fundamentally, without it seeming like i'm trying to attack you....

...nobody asked. She asked if he was faking, then with further clarification it's been established that he probably isn't, and that's it. Probing any further into it, for example calling her selfish, a bully, etc, makes it seem more like 'an attack'. And just to clarify, the mods *did* have to step in several times because of it.

Edit: Although i do get why it's such a contentious issue, it just gets to a point where saying she's selfish once again is superfluous.

I'm not quite sure why you don't seem to be able to grasp this, but if there actually is any faking going on, well you have to examine the reason why he would do such a thing.

She gets the impression that he seems to want the act over and done with, and openly says it may be down to the pressure she has put on her husband to have a baby. We were never going to be able to tell by her description of his breathing if he was faking or not, but she did add the reason why she felt he might be doing it. His agreement to have a baby was forced from what I can see, so it's probable.

Firetrap wrote: »

Well if the OP decides that yes, he is faking orgasms, it's not going to solve the problem, is it? She can choose to ignore people's comments and their opinions on what's happening if she wants. Sometimes hearing advice from others who aren't personally involved can help.

Precisely.

MissFlitworth

If he's stressed enough & distressed enough over the prospect of a another child he might not actually be able to have an orgasm, people sometimes think men can just turn off their brains and go for it but stress is a funny thing. In your sort of a circumstance, if he genuinely isn't (uggggghh horrible word) 'cum'ing I'd say it's down to utter misery & stress rather than anything deliberate

floorpie

Abi wrote: »

I'm not quite sure why you don't seem to be able to grasp this, but if there actually is any faking going on, well you have to examine the reason why he would do such a thing.

I'm perfectly able to grasp it. And no, *you* (and anyone else here) don't have to examine the reasons why. That's not what she asked for, and none of us know enough to explore her and her husband's state in such a way.

Sometimes hearing advice from others who aren't personally involved can help.

Absolutely. At this stage it's far from being 'advice' however. Some of these threads turn into something akin to a social gallows, re-read the thread with an objective stance if you don't believe me, and it's really annoying that it seems to be unacceptable when the issue is overtly dangerous (e.g. depression, suicide etc) but it's ok when it's just a mild problem (though the mods do a good job about it).

In this case, if you're dead set on ignoring her original question, then given that she wants to have a baby, and he's already apparently ejaculating inside (urgh, can't phrase that nicer) despite being unhappy, then the absolute best that can be advised is to 'discuss it', maybe 'see a councilor', after that it's just irrelevant nonsense which will just be ignored by the OP through being too far outside of her frame of thought (that is to say, she wont give a sh*t what you think if she never asked, and that's not a fault of the OP, it's the way everyone is). It'd be good if vbulletin had meta-discussion pages for talk like this.

Abi

floorpie wrote: »

I'm perfectly able to grasp it. And no, *you* (and anyone else here) don't have to examine the reasons why. That's not what she asked for, and none of us know enough to explore her and her husband's state in such a way.

Then why did the OP not post just this;

I think he is faking cause I can normally tell by his breathing when he is close to coming and before when we used condoms he would stay inside for a few seconds cause he said it hurt to withdraw too soon. Now when we are doing it he just says is it ok to come his breathing doesnt really change and he cant pull out quick enough.

I asked him if he was faking and he said no and got annoyed.

There was a story-line to it, and it's there for a reason. She herself suspects that his motivation is that he doesn't actually want any more children. The way I've edit it, it could be perceived as anything. But it wasn't, and I take it that we're to consider this in our replies.


You seem to think those who have replied to the OP have our torches and pitch forks out, but it's really not the case. Most are just shocked that a much bigger issue is being ignored here.

If you think that by not isolating this problem strictly down to the orgasm faking is off-topic, report it. If you feel that the OP is in someway being 'targeted', report it.

To save the thread from derailment I'm not going to post again about the finer details of the issue with you any further, and I hope the OP will have a chance to come back and have her say.

I am a friend

I think all the posters who are going off in a tangent here are forgetting that at the end of all this is a (potential future) baby who would be coming into the world where only 50% of the people who create him / her want him/ her.

qwertytlk

Hi op, firstly i just want to say that im not going to go down the route all the other replies to your thread have. I.e giving you opinions on your apparent 'selfishness'. Thats not what you asked about.
Re him faking it, well you would know. 1. Because although a certain amount of the after sex discharge would be from you, it would be nothing like the amount of semen from your partner. This would actually be dripping out, or would make a large wet patch on your bed if you sat down. 2. His penis would not be erect anymore...like a couple of seconds after he finishes his erection would go.
I think he is pulling out so quickly as he is trying to lessen the chances of you becoming pregnant-well thats my take on it anyway.
Either way maybe you should have a chat with him about all this because if you are suspecting he is faking it...well thats something tht you really need to chat with him about imo.
Best of luck:)

Stheno

worriedwife wrote: »

To all those who are slating saying it has to be two sided and agreed on. How can that happen when one person wants one thing and the other doesnt how does that work. Have you never wanted anything in a relationship that your partner didnt, no matter how small it is. I have given a snippet of our relationship. I have compromised and given in to things I didnt agree on in the past.

If someone knows the secret to us both being happy with not getting what either wants please let me know cause certain posters are so quick to judge.

You are not talking about compromising on a small thing, but on something I would consider to be a veto on a relationship, the decision to have more children or not.

I left a very long term relationship after more than ten years due in part to a partner deciding they wanted children, and my not wanting them, there is no grey in this area it's black and white.

If I were you I'd take your husband making love to you, and orgasming inside you as his wanting to please you and give you the baby that you want, and the lack of enthusiasm normally displayed being his feeling reluctant to have another child.

I actually think you are very very lucky to have the partner you do, he must love you very much to want you to have that other child while he is uncertain.

op, i was the first child for my parents.
they were married after i was born.
my father wanted more, my mother really didnt.
he persuaded her to have one more, she got pregnant with twins, when my brothers were 3 months old, he left.

im just saying, think very very seriously about this decision. its one thing to go ahead when both people want it, but when only one really really wants it, what kind of damage can it cause?

in my parents case, it was my dad that wanted more, my mother left raising us all. its not a decision to be taken alone. its not fair to change someone elses life just because your feeling broody. my parents case is obviously different to yours but its just a different viewpoint.
maybe think about it some more?

worryingwife

worryingwife wrote: »

I think he is faking cause I can normally tell by his breathing when he is close to coming and before when we used condoms he would stay inside for a few seconds cause he said it hurt to withdraw too soon. Now when we are doing it he just says is it ok to come his breathing doesnt really change and he cant pull out quick enough.

That's a pretty good answer you've already got there. You can normally tell, now you can't. Even if he is ejaculating (which I'm 90% sure you'd notice for sure), he's clearly not reacting to sex as he normally would, which may be due to lack of ejaculation or may be because he isn't enjoying it. I think it's less likely that he'd lie to your face about whether or not he orgasmed, and more likely that what you're doing at the moment isn't really sex to him, it's an obligatory deposit. So either way there's something missing and it'll probably affect your ability to get pregnant.

worriedwife wrote: »

To all those who are slating saying it has to be two sided and agreed on. How can that happen when one person wants one thing and the other doesnt how does that work. Have you never wanted anything in a relationship that your partner didnt, no matter how small it is.

Sure I've wanted things my partner didn't. Sometimes I get my way, sometimes he gets his way. But a baby isn't like wanting to eat out or disagreeing about the importance of scientific research. It's the equivalent of this:
Him: "oh by the way I was thinking tonight we could cut off each other's arms"
You: "Let's not"
In this case, like having a baby, it's not a decision you make for yourself, it's a huge decision that's going to affect both of you forever. It's a life. Having a baby is a privilege, not a right. Saying that it's a case of one opinion against the other just isn't true. In this case, and I'm sorry that this is how it is, but, wanting to not have a baby carries far more weight than wanting to have a baby. The same way you should win the arm argument because not wanting to lose your arms takes priority over wanting to.

LegacyUser

Dear Worriedwife

Sorry to tell you but your husband does not want any more children and does not want to tell you this as he knows what/ how your going to react. I have seen woman who make having children the sole part of a marriage with out any regards for what happens when the child arrives.
Perhaps your husband is worried about what could happen in the future if you have another child. Will you be able to go back to work? What would happen if either of you lost your job.
At the moment no job is safe and everyone has taken pay cuts and is paying higher taxes but the cost of living is continuing to rise. Money problems can brake a relationship.
Perhaps your child is getting out of the baby stage and your husband feels that you will soon have more time as a couple as your child gets older.
You are lucky to have family already and maybe it is time to realise this.
You need to chat to your husband and tell him you know how lucky you are and that having another baby is not important.

Abi

I was so involved in another conversation on this thread, I missed this at the time.

worriedwife wrote: »

To all those who are slating saying it has to be two sided and agreed on. How can that happen when one person wants one thing and the other doesnt how does that work. Have you never wanted anything in a relationship that your partner didnt, no matter how small it is.

But this is not a small thing. You're bringing another life into the world, and it's for life.

I have given a snippet of our relationship. I have compromised and given in to things I didnt agree on in the past.

Was it as big a thing as having another child?

If someone knows the secret to us both being happy with not getting what either wants please let me know cause certain posters are so quick to judge.

Sorry WW, but comprimising is fine if they're relatively small things, but something this big, no. You can't just make the family planning decisions by yourself. Your husband has a right to choose to be part of this or not. You say by your own admission that you are acting selfishly on this, and I'm afraid thats exactly what this is. Your determination to get your way may actually be now effecting your sex life with your husband. It's having a knock-on effect here, and I strongly suggest you have a re-think on this one.

I know you're probably not my biggest fan for being so straight up with you about this, but I don't know you, so it's nothing personal. Just a stranger telling you that in my own eyes, this baby plan is not getting off on the right foot. I think you should set the plan aside for just now.

Your husband said no to you first, anything after that it seems to me that he had to comply or else. Why don't you have another chat with him about this? I'd start off by saying to him that you've changed your mind for now, and would like to put things on hold. I think this would be an opportunity for him to be able to voice his opinion again. You may or may not like what he has to say, but it is the right thing to do in my opinion.

In time, he may warm to the idea himself. But focus on something else for now, your sex life is an important part of your relationship, because it's bonding time. He may well be seeing it as a battle-field at this point, if you've noticed some changes in his behaviour yourself.


As I said, you may very well get the baby you crave for, but the timing has to be right and with you both on the same page.

Delphi91

worryingwife wrote: »

...My feelings overwhelmed us so much, that after loads of arguing the husband changed his mind and said fine we will have another.

I'm just curious, why did he change his mind? Did he feel under pressure?

worriedwife wrote: »

...I know he doesnt want to have another...

I think therein lies the nub of the problem irrespective of whether he is faking or not.

As for compromise, I don't see compromise happening here. Compromise involves both parties adjusting their desires/wants/position, etc. In this situation, I don't see compromise as an option - one party will lose out especially when your husband is adamant that he does not want any more children. If you chose to not have another, you lose out. If you chose to have another, he loses out (Sorry to say, but I don't believe that he has really changed his mind!)

This needs to be talked out much more by the two of you. You suggested in your original post that your husband "gave in" after loads of arguing. Is that the way you want this child to be conceived?

You've admitted that if you put your feelings aside, you might always resent him. Maybe that's true. How might he feel towards a child that he didn't want?

I think you both need to take a big step back from this and take a LOT of time to discuss it openly.