Breaking up to travel.

cnelo

Hi guys, hoping to hear from people in similar situations. Myself and my boyfriend have been together 4 years and lived together for the majority of that time. In June we both moved back to our parents to save. We both planned to travel - it was me who really wanted to where he said he did but really only was because I wanted to. We were fighting alot as he wouldn't make a definitive plan etc. So a few weeks ago I put it to him that he didn't want to go and that I should go on my own. He agreed that he wanted to stay for his career and agreed that I should go. We agreed it would be too hard to stay together long distance for a year maybe two. So I'm booked and going mid nov. The advice I need is how to deal with contact etc. Should I let him come to the airport or just do something with him the night before. Should we cut all contact as soon as I go? I think I will want to get back with him when I get back so I'm just at a loss as how to go about contact etc everytime I think about having to say goodbye and actually go I get very upset but I know it will be harder on him here. So if anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it x

LegacyUser

hi there. in the same boat here, but i'm the boyfriend being left behind. i think what you need to do is tell him where you stand. if you want to get back with him in the future you need to make that clear, but that you need to realise that that might not happen. try to look at it as a chance for both of you to live apart to see if you're meant to be (and say this to him). in terms of contact i'd suggest no to airport -- that'd be a selfish thing for you and would leave him standing there alone after you go on your adventure. i think you should organise a special night for the two of you in a hotel or something the week before you leave and explain to him you want a break. in terms of beign over there, keep the contact minimal. leave it to once/ twice a week. if you allow him to contact you regularly it might get annoying for you and it wouldn't be good for either of you.

a lot of posters here might suggest making a clear break - make it into a proper break up and go cold turkey, but do what YOU want to do, not what others think you should. i hope this helps.

floorpie

I've kind of had to consider the same thing as your boyfriend at one point before, though it never came down to it in the end, but at the time i was thinking "i'd definitely have to break up, it's far too long to be apart", i don't know if that sentiment was borne out of insecurity or selfishness or pride or what. BUT. Since then i've had several close friend couples go through the same thing, and the thing that's blown my mind in each case is just how quickly time flies; before i knew it they were back together. A year sounds like a long time to be apart, so long that you'd have no choice to break up you'd think, but i'm not so sure anymore.

If yous both want to stay together it'd easily be doable i think, but you'll have to decide beforehand, and judge the amount of contact accordingly. If you're breaking up, it surely wouldn't be fair on him to be expecting twice a week contact. If you are not breaking up, it wouldn't be fair for either of yous to be hooking up/starting relationships while apart. You'll just have to negotiate all this stuff, ask him about contact etc.

greenprincess

Well I think she is saying they have both already decided that they are going to break up with the possibility of getting back together.
I have been in the same situation, I was already living away with my bf, also of 4 years. I wanted to do more travelling he didnt so we decided it was best just to break up. It was really really really hard for the first few weeks, mainly I think because we were still talking every day. In the end we said we shouldnt talk so much. We never agreed to start talking again it just happened and now I'd say we have a chat about once a week on FB or something. It might be best to cut contact for a few weeks.
It will be hard but if you really want to travel it will be fine in the end! Travelling is great I love it. With regards to him going to the Airport it is a tricky one, seeing as I was still living in a foreign country with my bf until the day I left he did bring me to the airport which was heart breaking!! But it felt right because we were living together right up until I went travelling.

fungun

I think breaking up and saying you might want to get back together is a recipe for heartbreak. Either break up or dont. Or allow certain things to be ok. But in terms of emotional connection in a reln there really is no in between.

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

I think breaking up and saying you might want to get back together is a recipe for heartbreak. Either break up or dont. Or allow certain things to be ok. But in terms of emotional connection in a reln there really is no in between.

I'm not sure if this is accurate. I know of many relationships where people have broken up and gotten back together. I think it's a case where both say they're going to move on and try to be single when they're apart... but are more or less waiting for the circumstances to improve to be with one another again. What do you mean by 'allow certain things to be ok'? That's a bit vague. You're saying to the OP either break up or don't... or allow things?

floorpie

similarboar wrote: »

I'm not sure if this is accurate. I know of many relationships where people have broken up and gotten back together. I think it's a case where both say they're going to move on and try to be single when they're apart... but are more or less waiting for the circumstances to improve to be with one another again. What do you mean by 'allow certain things to be ok'? That's a bit vague. You're saying to the OP either break up or don't... or allow things?

He means don't break up but allow each other to, for example, see other people. It might or might not work, breaking up with the view of getting back together. I mean, she could be traveling for two years, she's not going to be starting up any longish term relationships in that time, but there's nothing to say that he wouldn't (if they were broken up). So he's saying, if they want to stay together, the only real workable option is to 'stay together' and come to arrangements as to what's allowed.

G-Money

It's better to make one decision either way and stick to it I reckon OP. However I guess if I was you, I wouldn't necessarily expect him to be single and/or still interested when you get back after 2 years. Especially if the reason you two are finishing is so that you can see other people. I wouldn't really hang around myself if I was in his shoes.

As for him dropping you to the airport or whatever, I wouldn't suggest it if I was you. If I were him, and if I wanted to do it, I would offer. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't say anything.

I am a friend

IMHO if this was a true love story, you would not be breaking up for any reason...

floorpie

I am a friend wrote: »

IMHO if this was a true love story, you would not be breaking up for any reason...

I get what you mean but 'love' has a funny way of being de-prioritised in ones life once you have it. Doesn't mean it isn't 'true love' or whatever, and doesn't mean that traveling will ruin it.

cnelo

Thanks for the posts. The way it is, I had originally thought it would be too hard to stay together long distance. But now I think I want to try and stay together. I know that if we were broken up it would hurt for either of us to hear of us being with someone else and would cause jealousy and I'm afraid that jealousy would lead to us not being able to resume our relationship when I come home. I just wonder how hard it is to continue the relationship long distance. I have been on plenty of weekends away and Girly holidays and nights out and have never cheated before so I don't see this as a problem and I trust that he won't either. Maybe I will just have to take things as they come. Re airport. He had presumed he was bringing me to the airport but I told him it wouldn't be fair on him.

Acoshla

My ex broke up with me to go travelling but said he wanted to be with me when he got, he's my ex now so you can guess how that worked out. Whereas my best friend moved abroad for a year when she was with her boyfriend 4 years, they did fine, stayed completely loyal to each other, they've also lived in different counties and continents and have always stayed together, where there's a will there's a way. Either break up completely or stay together, the middle ground is too messy IME.

fungun

What age are you OP?

imo you have decide you want to travel more than you want a stable reln right now. Im not criticising this decision at all, but to then follow it with saying you think its best to break up, but then follow this with

I'm afraid that jealousy would lead to us not being able to resume our relationship when I come home

Sounds like you have suddenly realised that although you will be the one having the fun of travelling, he will be the one more likely to have moved on by the time you come back, and you are now a bit nervous about this. Sounds like you now want best of both worlds by asking him to wait for you.

Not sure where/what your travel plans are but Im not sure I could genuinely ask anyone I loved to wait for up to 2 years for me without seeing me, just so I could go and travel.

LegacyUser

I think a lot of people here have been burnt in the past. I think the best situation is go on a break, stay in contact (once-twice a week) and cut the contact if either of you meet someone special. I say keep talking until your home. If neither of you want to close the door on it, why would the hunches of boards' members change your gut feeling? Yes, you're opening yourself up to being vulnerable - but this is what love is all about.

cnelo

popopop wrote: »

I think a lot of people here have been burnt in the past. I think the best situation is go on a break, stay in contact (once-twice a week) and cut the contact if either of you meet someone special. I say keep talking until your home. If neither of you want to close the door on it, why would the hunches of boards' members change your gut feeling? Yes, you're opening yourself up to being vulnerable - but this is what love is all about.

Thanks. Youre right

parrai

cnelo wrote: »

Hi guys, hoping to hear from people in similar situations. Myself and my boyfriend have been together 4 years and lived together for the majority of that time. In June we both moved back to our parents to save. We both planned to travel - it was me who really wanted to where he said he did but really only was because I wanted to. We were fighting alot as he wouldn't make a definitive plan etc. So a few weeks ago I put it to him that he didn't want to go and that I should go on my own. He agreed that he wanted to stay for his career and agreed that I should go. We agreed it would be too hard to stay together long distance for a year maybe two. So I'm booked and going mid nov. The advice I need is how to deal with contact etc. Should I let him come to the airport or just do something with him the night before. Should we cut all contact as soon as I go? I think I will want to get back with him when I get back so I'm just at a loss as how to go about contact etc everytime I think about having to say goodbye and actually go I get very upset but I know it will be harder on him here. So if anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it x

I had this exact same situation... years ago mind you, but in principle the same.

Do whatever you both feel feels right, it's too difficult for someone here not in your relationship to tell you what to do about going to the airport, or what you'll do the night before... Just do what feels right to both of ye.

You've no way of knowing what will happen when you are gone and 2 years is along time... You could meet someone and so could he...

In my opinion the best thing to do is finish the relationship before you go... You will know pretty quick how you feel about it when you reach your destination, and realise that you are on your own (as in not in a relationship) cause when you go to start life in another country there is a feeling of 'starting over' and sometimes that can feel quite overwhelming.

It may work out that he really misses you and wants to be with you, how will you feel about that?

Then on the other hand you may feel the same, but seeing as you want to travel this may not happen at all... It's hard to tell...

The thing you have to take into account is that when you come back, you or he may be in relationships, so this is why I think you should both talk about your relationship, think about breaking up completely at first, so at least you can then decide freely what you both want to do, instead of 'stewing' about each other guiltily... Just make sure you both agree...

Travelling is great for the mind though... Best of luck to you both.

fungun

Just to add a little - it also really depends on your life priorities.

Previously was going out with a girl for 2 years. Her dream job came up abroad....best of the best for her line of work. She decided not to take it as I was in education here at the time (early 20s) and would have meant moving away. We broke up year later. Have since asked her did she regret not going for that job and her answer was no....that what she would have regretted was not giving our reln the best chance she could as it felt like a 'once in a lifetime reln'.
So I guess it depends how you feel about your reln vs the opportunity to travel. Which is a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity....and if both are, which is more important to you