Need to Vent

LegacyUser

Hi all, long time poster but going unregged for this.

Apologies in advance as this is a very long winded, epic story but my head is melted with it and I guess I am looking for a kick up the arse, albeit, a cyber one

So here goes, about 10 years ago in my early 20s I realised I was gay and madly in love with my best friend (we're women). She had always flirted back and forth with me jokingly so I always wondered whether she was gay too. Anyways, one night I built up the courage told her I was gay and that I was in love with her. She was very supportive but did not feel the same way about me, so that was that. I was disappointed but obviously respected her for being honest with me.

So, fast forward 6 months, on holidays she decides that she does want a relationship with me and goes to great lengths to win me round to the idea (I had moved on). Lo and behold we start a relationship which was perfect when it was just us but a secret when other friends were around. I now know looking back that this had disaster written all over it but I was mad about her and I guess I wanted her to feel comfortable with it all.

The relationship lasted about 3 years, we both travelled a lot for University so we both had to make big efforts to see each other. We both put the effort in and despite it still being a secret we were both very happy.

However one night whilst out with our friends she let slip that she was interested in a guy at her University and well all hell broke loose. With no warning whatsoever I was dumped and we were finished. Bearing in mind that we were still a secret it was incredibly difficult for me to still associate myself with the same group of people. I had to keep my mouth shut for her but where I previously had her to talk to day in day out, she just stopped speaking to me. Gradually I moved away from the group, they basically cut me out as I wasn't putting any effort in, little did they know.

After that we had a couple of relapses, she'd get let down and come running to me to assure her that she was wonderful but always ended the same, she'd go off happy and promptly ignore me again.

After that experience I ended up in a bad place mentally, I was very very hurt by the ex and worse off that I had noone to confide in, I lost her and the rest of my mates and I guess basically my world just fell apart. I suffered really badly in the aftermath, anxiety, eating disorders etc and in the end I spent about 5 years putting myself back together.

I finally got back to being me about 2 years ago and a year later I met my current GF whom I adore. Fast forward to present day and I get an email out of the blue from the Ex saying hey lets meet. My initial reaction is to move to trash and have done with it but curiosity gets the better of me and I agree to meet with her.

I go along and I am like a nervous wreck and I have buckets to say about how let down I was by her and how ****ed up my life was when she did what she did, I couldnt say it though, we barely even touched on it. Instead conversation is filled about her new found sexuality (shes gay NOW, could have told her that years ago ) She is single and all happy etc. So that was that, I left a little bit in a spin as the mates still don't know what the hell happened and I still get spoken to like dirt if I ever bump into them.

I do still have feelings for her but I think they are more based on the past than the present and I am torn as I still harbour a huge amount of resentment about what she did to me. She has been texting me since we met up, when it suits her of course and tends to ignore me if I text her, bit of a joke really as she knows the effect she has on me.

So PI after all that, if you have got this far, thank you, my question is what do I do now, I could easily write her a stinker of an email telling her in detail what she did to me and my life but don't want that to be the last she hears from me as that relationship did mean something to me, as ****ed up as it was/still is. I know she is no good for me, how do I let go?

Help.

tenchi-fan

Op...
Get over her!! You are wasting so much effort on resentment.

First, This girl doesn't even realise she's hurting you.. she obviously appreciates you as a friend who helped her to come to terms with her sexuality. She also supported you when you came out to her. Be happy for her and the time you were together. But not all relationships are for life.

Second, She's only human and she seems to have major character flaws. She probably gets a few kicks from feeling she has a hold on you, and plays it over in her mind that she *could* get back with you. You're her safety net and her ego booster. So learn to keep your distance. When you meet by accident, you can be outwardly friendly towards someone you know you can no longer trust.

And finally, you're not blameless. You went out with her for 3 years. The next 5 years you're accusing her of destroying your life, your confidence, your friendships, the anxiety, the eating disorders, the nasty emails you could write.. that was all you and you need to stop. Despite claiming you "got yourself back together" you let this woman back into your life and all the anger is coming back with it. It sounds like you could easily allow your current relationship to fail knowing that you can simply blame your whirlwind of an ex!

It's time to move on. In your mind, say "all is forgiven, I'm moving on" then leave the past in the past.

As for the texts, time to wrap them up too. Be curt, uninterested, and stop replying altogether.

curlzy

Hey OP,

If I were you, I would write a long email about the whole thing, what she did and how it affected you. Then at the end of the email I'd tell her that I'm now in a happy relationship and that I am cutting contact and won't be replying to her again. Then I would cc it to every person that was in the group around that time as well as her. I think it's important that you get all this out and stop covering up for her.

Best of luck.

Kanoe

I think you need closure and the best way to do that is to go back and revisit how you feel when you are with her. After ten years things are going to have changed, what you expect from life and how you plan on going forward are probably very different to how you viewed life when you were younger, you'll probably find that the things you longed for back in the day are no longer relevant but until you come face to face with them and until you do you'll always wonder what if. get it over with and then you can move on with your life. Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

She is an A-Grade bitch and has come looking to you for an ego boost. You poor thing. I can see how her treatment of you now would dig up old feelings of hurt and pain. You're not going to let her treat you like that again are you hon? In a situation like this I'd say just ignore and pretend she doesn't exist but I do think that some type of closure would be cathartic. I also think that if you just ignore her she will persist as sounds to me like she has some type of agenda tbh.

I'm not talking about a lengthy, spill your heart out email but instead a short note to say that meeting her answered a lot of questions and that while you wish her well you are not interested in any kind of friendship with her and that you are glad she had the courage to finally admit she was gay (perhaps throw in what a pity it was she hadn't had the courage to stand up for you at the time).

I'd then leave it and I'd block her number. I don't think this particular leopard has changed her spots and if you know she's not a positive influence/person in your life then you need to take a control and put a stop to it.

Neyite

Its hard to see an ex who is oblivious to the devastation they left in their wake, and you have such an urge to tell them that, you want them to see that they hurt you, or you may (in the earlier days of the breakup) want them to experience some of that hurt themselves, but to my experience they rarely do.

She is a user. She used you when it suited, and would probably still do the same now, and hurt you all over again. Keep your dignity this time. A polite email saying it was interesting catching up with her, but tell her you no longer have feelings for her, and wish her well.


Consider it from this point of view, sometimes we learn a lot more from a bad relationship than a good one. Thats what happened here. I learned from my bastard ex what I would never want in "the one" I am glad to say that I applied that knowledge well and came up with a diamond. Sounds like you did too The best revenge is our own happiness.