Think I Want to get back with my Ex

LegacyUser

Hey all, long time reader, first time poster here, so go easy on me

My ex and I broke up early this year. After a month we tried again and it lasted only a few weeks, with him saying he just wasnt in the place to make a relationship work, and me just not feeling the chemistry the second time around. It ended totally amicably. We cut contact for a while until we were both ready to be friends again, and for the last 6 months or so, we have been great friends. We hang out on a regular basis, we do things together, and go on nights out with friends. We also have a "Friends with benefits" situation going on, which suited me perfect as I had no feelings for him, the sex is great, and we have great chemistry. We would even chat about dates we had been on, people we had been seeing, etc., with no jealousy on either part.

However recently I have began to think that I may have feelings for him again. He is the first person I want to talk to when I have good/bad news and I want to tell someone, the person I go to to hang out with regularly, and its the same with him. He contacts me when he has a **** day and comes over to hang out. We dont just sleep together, we actually do stuff like go for walks and go shopping, etc. We pretty much have a relationship except without the exclusivity, and its quite casual, as some weeks we would see each other 2 or 3 times, and we might go a few weeks without seeing each other. Neither of us have been in any serious relationship since the split. I have begun to feel recently that he might feel something towards me too, as he is more affectionate with me, touchy-feely etc., and has been less sex-driven recently too, more wanting to chat and do things together. However he still does babble on about women being too much effort and not wanting a relationship, thats why he hasnt been in anything serious since.

Im not sure if I should say anything as I don't want to destroy what we have, it works really well. I would like more, but if I say it to him and he doesnt want what I want, it will mess everything up. I dont need more and going on the way we are now is fine, but I definitely dont want to destroy the friendship because he is a very close friend of mine and I would hate to lose that.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks. Sorry for the long post!

I am a friend

It still doesn't sound like he is in a 'place to make a relationship work' tbh... You have to listen to what he is saying about relationships??

What chemistry was missing when ye broke up the last time?

This is my main issue with fwb situations - someone's feeling always get involved.

Is seeing him stopping you meeting other people - if so you need to reassess the situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I think I didnt feel the chemistry because of how we broke up, he became ambivalent and avoidant, didnt want to make time to see me etc. He was the one who asked to get back together and I was reluctant and I found it hard to move on from the way the relationship ended. I am now in a better place and accept the way it ended with no bad feelings towards it, which might be why I am now feeling chemistry again.

It is not stopping me meeting other people, I have been on dates with a few guys, and was seeing one for a few months even, which didnt work out, not for any reasons particular to this situation. I will continue to meet other people, regardless of how I feel towards him.

maxwell smart

Maybe when he says relationships are too much trouble he is only protecting himself. Maybe he has feeling for you.
You should let it play out a little longer. Are there any birthdays or special days to you both coming up?
Why not suggest a night away with him, make it a joke suggestion. If he bites, I'd reckon he is interested. After all, if your already having sex why else would he be interested in a night away unless he felt something more.

Have you not tried getting him drunk to see what he says??

LegacyUser

@maxwell smart, thats kind of another reason that I thought there might be something more, he got drunk one night and started talking about how he messed up everything between us, and it was all his fault, he shouldnt have treated me the way he did etc etc. However I dont think that getting drunk is the best way to approach this, I'd like to know what he says sober...

Mc Kenzie

as soon i see freinds with benefits im thinkin...ifffy!....from my own expereince of this situation it may seem like the right thing to do to get back together but i really think your better off to move on. because of a situation like this i got really hurt in the end and i learned the hard way. but im glad i seen his true colours,

it might be i different case for you op, but i just think you should move on. some guys just play about after a relationship ends and just keep you hanging on a string to suit themselves.

my advise ...Be carefull.! really do.

Miss Fluff

This has disaster written all over it.

He has expressly said that he doesn't want to get into a relationship with you and yet is enjoying all the benefits of no-strings attached sex, the emotional support and familiarity that you can offer him because of shared history, the advantage of having you on hand when he is feeling lonely/wants to do stuff and yet will be able to drop you like a hot-snot the moment he meets someone with whom he wants to get involved with again.

You've been honest in your post and said that you don't want to say anything about your feelings in case it ruins everything. This is unfortunately what's known as making do OP so you're sacrificing your own wants and feelings for fear of rocking the boat. What a shame Are you really prepared to settle for a second-best arrangement for fear of losing him? Because I think you have already lost him tbh. Wouldn't you be back in a relationship by now if that's what you both really wanted?

FWB arrangements are fine but I think it's an arrangement based on dishonesty and false hope when it's with an ex. I'd be pulling the plug on it and getting my jollies elsewhere tbh - you're into him and want more than he's prepared to offer so don't put up with accepting any crumbs he can offer you until he meets someone else. Because he will and it will hurt you deeply.

Sorry to be harsh OP but that's the way it is.

LegacyUser

I've been in a very similar situation. I put my feelings on the line, and my ex gently rejected me. But we still kept meeting up and sleeping together, spending more and more time together, until it was apparent that we were a couple in everything but name. Eventually, we agreed to be exclusive, and a few months later, we made things official again.

It's a tricky situation, and you do stand to get very hurt, but it can work out too

LegacyUser

I'm a guy, had this situation for a long time with my ex.. years in fact.

Truth was, I was waiting for the right woman to come along and my ex was not her. When I did meet a woman who I truly fell in love with, I cut all contact with my ex as I guess I no longer needed her in my life. She didn't like it one bit, decided I'd led her astray all these years.

We both agreed to a FWB and nothing more, I told her I didn't want a relationship, yet the second it ended she admits she had been holding out expecting our relationship would re-start. She was the one kidding herself, not me. I have zero contact with her now and don't want any ever again as she has chosen to remain single and still expresses to friends that she would like to see me again. I'm with the woman of my dreams and will never look back.

OP, in your case, I think your ex is feeling the same as me, he thinks you're a nice girl but you're not 'THE ONE', he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you but you'll do for sex for now until he meets someone he really cares about.

If you can handle this, no problem, but if you are living the illusion that he will develop feelings for you, you're just kidding yourself. Men can switch off the emotion, few women can whatever they might tell themselves.

Don't put your life on hold for your ex. Don't allow your female friends to tell you he is 'totally into you', don't convince yourself that every tiny sign of interest from him means that he is just coming round to the idea of spending the rest of his life with you.

It'll only be you that ends up hurt at the end of it, not him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far. I think you are all right, maybe I am just creating something in my head that isn't there. I guess if he wanted to be with me, he would just say it. Although the last time we got back together, he said he had been feeling it for weeks but didnt want to say it in case he got rejected.

I know the right thing to do would be to cut contact and move on, or at least stop sleeping with him! What I'm wondering is would it be worth it for me to say anything at all, to maybe meet up, tell him how I feel? If he doesnt feel the same then at least I know and I can just move on. Or should I just forget it altogether?

LegacyUser

You should have a talk with him, so that he knows how you feel. If you were ever truly friends, then he deserves that before you cut all contact. If he isn't interested in a relationship, then due to yourself having feelings for him, I believe that cutting all contact is the best thing for you at the moment.

uyiuyiuyi wrote: »

Men can switch off the emotion, few women can whatever they might tell themselves.

It'll only be you that ends up hurt at the end of it, not him.

This is why IMO "friends with benefits" situations are a bad idea all around. It's too easy to develop feelings for a friend, and one person will usually end up getting hurt. **** buddies is a much safer arrangement. It's nothing but sex, and both parties know it.

Miss Fluff

If you feel that strongly about him then you should tell him rather than wondering "what if". He has expressly said he does not want a relationship though so if you do this you have to be prepared for the answer he gives you.

I'd meet up with him during the day (where you can't end up in bed) and tell him that if he doesn't want to make a go of things you're going to put an end to seeing him casually as it's too painful for you.

I wouldn't agree to take a "let's see what happens" approach with him which I have an inkling he may suggest. Or if you do then I'd stop sleeping with him for starters.

Hope it works out for you.