Should I tell her I like her?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just looking to see what people think about this (mainly female opinions I suppose, but any thoughts are welcomed!)

There's a girl I've been working with for the last year or two but more closely in the last 3-4 months, and since getting to know her, I really like her. I think she may like me too but i'm not sure. At times I think she may be dropping hints but then at other times, I have doubts about whether she is interested. I do know she is single.

I'd like to ask her out or tell her I like her. It's not really the fear of her saying no that is stopping me though. I just don't want to make things awkward (for both) if I ask her and she isn't interested. I'm saying this as we'd see each other a good bit 2-3 days each week.

I really like her and hope she feels the same and would love to get it off my chest + let her know. However, if you were the girl and possibly knew how I felt and let's assume you didn't feel the same way, would you prefer if I didn't say it?

Thanks!

LegacyUser

I'd want to know.

I'm not a very good flirt. I therefore can appear to send mixed messages (even when I think I'm being very clear).

Even if I wasn't interested, I'd be flattered.

That said, I cope rather well with awkwardness and not everyone does.

Perhaps hint more strongly?

LegacyUser

Thanks, op here.

I have tried hinting and flirting and sometimes the signals seem v good but then at times I'm not so sure. The cliche about guys not being able to read the signals is def true in my case! If she's not int, I really don't want to become a nuisance to her in work or some guy she may feel "will he ever get the message, I'm not interested". Id rather be honest with her and even if she said no, it would be out in the open and I would be fine with that (disapointed of course) but if it's a yes, it would be amazing.

But would that honest approach make it awkward for her? Has anyone else been in that situation? Would she be saying to herself "oh god, I've got to see this guy who has just told me he likes me"?

I know it's only a trivial matter when there are other more imp post on here but i really like this girl and at times i think she possibly likes me too. Just don't know what to do and any insights would be great to hear!

floorpie

ItIsMoi is right, send stronger signals.

Because for as many people as there are who'd be flattered even if not interested, there'd be lots of people who'd be turned off even if they *were* interested.

Don't worry about 'hints', just flirt until the tension's unbearable. If she's not interested you'll figure it out along the way.

LegacyUser

How much flirting is acceptable in the workplace?

Can you give some specific examples?

Thanks.

qwertytlk

Hi, i say tell her... In a round a bout way. Like ask her for a drink but dont ask her in a 'lets go on a date' way. For example after a long day at work say ' its been a long day, id love a pint...actually do u fancy going for one or two after work' and see how she responds. If she is not into it at all then i think you will know that she doesnt like you in the same way you like her. However, if she says yes then you should go out and see how you get on, then if its appropriate or an opportunity comes up during the course of the night, tell her how you feel.
Thats how id prob go about it anyway.
Best of luck whatever you decide, and i hope she feels the same!

LegacyUser

Never mix business with pleasure. I'm not sure what line of work you're in but either way I don't think it's very professional to be seeking romance at work. Messy, complicated,
and doesn't reflect well on you to be seen pursuing personal issues in the workplace

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation before - as the woman. There was this guy I was close to, and I didn't know how I felt about him, or how he felt about me. Sometimes I thought I liked him, other times I didn't. Eventually, he told me how he felt. I wasn't sure how I felt, and decided that the awkwardness of having to say no would be better than the awkwardness of getting into a relationship and ending it because I wasn't interested. So I said no to him. We didn't work together, but we were very good friends and I saw him often. It was awkward at first, but that was mainly because I was afraid that he'd be upset. However, I was so glad he told me - it cleared the air completely and we both knew exactly where we stood.

LegacyUser

Hi op here, thanks for the responses.

Floorpie, just wondering what you mean when you say lots of people would be turned off even if they were interested? Do you think it's coming on a bit strong by coming out with it? Tbh, I've tried the flirting / hinting and it has gone well but I've done nothing as I just didnt know if it's appropriate (or just chickened out!)

The two main things are-
1. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for her in the event that she's not interested and I ask her out.
2. In the event that she is interested, I don't want to do anything that would turn her off.
To the person who said never mix business with pleasure, it's a fair point but what if you meet someone you really like? Obv it would be better to meet them outside of work but you can't really chose where you meet someone you like.

The thing is, I don't want to not do anything as I know I'll really regret that in the future.

LegacyUser

The reason I said not to mix business with pleasure is because I've been in this situation before. And more than once too. The times where I ignored my male colleagues and bosses advances resulted in an incredibly strained atmosphere and awkward exchanges any time we were around each other.

The time where I kissed and subsequently dated a colleague also resulted in both of us being very uncomfortable from trying to maintain both a professional and personal relationship and to be honest, the constant proximity ruined any sense of mystery or anticipation that forms the basis of new relationships.

People falling for each other at work is incredibly common because it's easy and simply because the person is just, *there*, The equally common number of cases where these office flings never work out reflects that it's more often than not just a 'love the one you're with' mentality.

With regard to your point about not being able to help who you like, I don't agree. As a result of my experiences, I've decided to never even consider a work colleague as a potential love interest as I now see that such things are breaking necessary boundaries of professionalism. I think it's inappropriate to ever bring your personal life into the office but you seem quite determined to pursue this for fear you might regret it if you don't -the thing is, I know plenty of people who regretted that they did and wished they'd left well enough alone. What's your priority here -trying to get with this girl or keeping your professional life focussed and professional?

LegacyUser

Hi 12345xyz,

Thanks for the reply. It's a fair point and I suppose it addresses what I'm trying to avoid - making the girl I am talking about uncomfortable by saying something to her. If that was the case, I wouldn't want to do it. But it seems we get on really well and i'd love to just let her know, as casually as possible so as not to make a big deal of it if it's a no. I personally don't see how one can't do this while still maintaining a professional attitude to work. I completely respect what you are saying but I think if two people are mature enough, they should be able to brush something like this off and get back to work. As ridiculous as it is to mention Barack Obama in this thread, he and his wife Michelle met in an office! Having said all that, i’m only saying that I think I could carry on and get back to normal if she wasn’t interested (disappointed obviously!) but I don’t know how other girls would feel if it was said to them in work so I appreciate your post.

I think I’m probably boring people at this stage so thanks to all who replied!

floorpie

I've never really been in too many work environments where utmost professionalism was important, so it sounds like 12345xyz is making some good points.

Having said that, i said don't literally 'tell her' you like her because i've had girls do it to me, i've had guy friends who did it to girls, i've read countless threads about it on PI and other forums (probably thousands of threads at this stage), and invariably it never seems to work out well. It's worked out so poorly, so often, that my only conclusion is that something about 'telling someone' is inherently unattractive, and i don't think it's a giant leap to figure out what might be unattractive about it. I think there's a whole bunch of implications that are wrapped up into the little nugget, the main one being 'insecurity' and something approaching 'weakness' (in my opinion). I mean you said it yourself:

It's not really the fear of her saying no that is stopping me though. I just don't want to make things awkward if I ask her and she isn't interested.

If i translate that for you into underlying emotions that she might pick up on (rightly or wrongly)... "It's not really insecurity. I'm just a bit scared by the possible outcomes". I understand what you mean with the sentence, but think about it from her perspective, her potential man is fearful about making a move and has to make sure that she likes him, verbally, before he'll make one. I'm not saying those sentiments (insecurity etc) are bad, but if your first big move is to basically tell her that you're insecure then it'd be a killer. That's why i think 'telling someone' doesn't seem to work in general. Flirting's a far better indicator of interest, and you say yous have been flirting already, so surely telling her is superfluous.

Anyway you said at the start "i want to tell her or i want to ask her out", and then in your last post you said "as casually as possible". Out of those two options, the far more casual choice is asking her out *for something casual*, it can't be awkward if she says no to something casual, sure it wasn't a big deal anyway right (like qwertytlk said)?

To be honest though, i've been completely swung around by 12345xyz's points. If you're in a similar environment it might be something to strongly consider.