My boyfriend is lying ,,,any advice?

oisindoyle

So my Bf said to me last nite (thurs) that he was going out with some new college friends on friday to talk about their asignment for the coming few months.
I dont have a problem with that at all .I never have/had any problems with him if he wants to see his mates in general.
(by the way we live together)
Anyway,last nite he was in the shower and his fone was on the bed so (and we have all done it ) had a look at his messages.
Saw one from a female ex workmate(Sarah) of his and basically they arranged to meet tonite friday for a few drinks .(i never said anything to him obviously)
Again i have no problem with that in the main ,BUT he did tel me he was meeting college mates to talk about college..
Anyway i finished work tonite and rang him as i usualy do and he was in the pub and said why not join him he was with "sarah" and said the "guys textd him and cancelled their "arranged meet"......
Now i dont know what to do ,,,the bottom line is he lied to me about meeting his college mates,As far as i can see he never made any arrangements to meet them ,,he was meeting Sarah all along ...
So why did he lie to me ? Should i confront him about it ??If i do he will kno i looked at his fone ...
If he could lie over something so simple couldnt he lie about something more important ?
Could i trust him AT ALL ? I feel him doing what he did shows no respect to me at all
Any advice please?
Am i over reacting ? how do i handle it without coming across as a moaning minnie (which im not )..
Im confused ,,any advice people please?
Thanks

Conor30

Perhaps what's more important is that you should even see this as an issue at all...what I'm saying is that it's really probably quite a trivial thing...maybe he just forgot to mention to you that he changed his plan to meeting Sarah instead. But you see something potentially more than that. Ask yourself why? Why don't you trust him completely? What is your gut feeling telling you and why? Are there other things you're suspicious of? Therein lies your real question (and answer). Good luck with it.

TylerIE

Why did you read his messages in the first place? Were you suspicious or? do you feel there is more than friendship to his meeting with Sarah?

Do you normally look at each others phones - or what would he think of you reading his messages?

I dont know if its worth creating a fuss over, but if you dont bring it up Id forget it fully. Its probably worse not bringing it up and letting it fester - which could ultimately destroy the relationship.

baby and crumble

OP, the fact that when you rang him he told you he was in the pub with sarah and invited you to join them suggests to me he's not hiding anything, or if it is it's a tiny thing and he thought better of it.

oisindoyle

thanks for the replies so far guys ,,,
Yes i kno he invited me in to meet Sarah ,but my problem is he told me last nite that he was meeting his college mates outside easons at 8pm,BUT the txts to and from sarah said they would meet at 8pm outside Easons..
Yet when i spoke to him he said his college mates sent him a txt tonite to cancel so he met Sarah instead ,
He never mentioned meeting Sarah to me last nite (not that it would be a problem for me ) he just said he was meeting his mates ,which i dont believe he was going to do in the first place ,hence my all over the place at the minute head .

TylerIE

oisindoyle wrote: »

thanks for the replies so far guys ,,,
Yes i kno he invited me in to meet Sarah ,but my problem is he told me last nite that he was meeting his college mates outside easons at 8pm,BUT the txts to and from sarah said they would meet at 8pm outside Easons..
Yet when i spoke to him he said his college mates sent him a txt tonite to cancel so he met Sarah instead ,
He never mentioned meeting Sarah to me last nite (not that it would be a problem for me ) he just said he was meeting his mates ,which i dont believe he was going to do in the first place ,hence my all over the place at the minute head .

Maybe it was in his head that he would have to meet them or something?

Or maybe Sarah had something private or important that she needed to talk to him about and didnt want you to be worrying about it (ie Personal Issue for her, but didnt want him saying to you he was meeting her as she might have felt intrusive).

Theres plenty of innocent possibilities, and Id only pick the innocent ones as he invited you along.

I know your bothered about him lying - but some would argue looking at his phone is potentially as bad - Id seriously suggest if everything else is ok just forget about it!!!

I had a relationship where little questions or breakdowns in communications caused the OH to get paranoid and panic all the time, and always over nothing. Its became VERY draining for him (head space if he didnt mention it and hassle if he did) and frustrating for me (being questioned on nothing, and the hassle of explaining myself).

waterford051

oisindoyle wrote: »

thanks for the replies so far guys ,,,
Yes i kno he invited me in to meet Sarah ,but my problem is he told me last nite that he was meeting his college mates outside easons at 8pm,BUT the txts to and from sarah said they would meet at 8pm outside Easons..
Yet when i spoke to him he said his college mates sent him a txt tonite to cancel so he met Sarah instead ,
He never mentioned meeting Sarah to me last nite (not that it would be a problem for me ) he just said he was meeting his mates ,which i dont believe he was going to do in the first place ,hence my all over the place at the minute head .

I have to hold up my hand and say I did the same as you and "inadvertently" looked at my boyfriends phone and saw something quite similar to your situation. I couldn't hold my tongue and blurted it out later that night when we were out. He saw nothing in it and didn't feel he was doing anything wrong but i guess thats the difference between men and women. He was completely honest and told me everything and didn't seem to get too excited about the fact that i looked at his phone at all more annoyed than anything that i thought he was up to something which made me feel even more at ease that he had nothing to hide. Now he frequently jokes if i want to check his phone when he gets a text but we're still together! I think he may have felt there was no harm in telling you a white lie that he was actually meeting sarah cos he didn't want you looking into the situation as anything more than it was. Especially when he suggested you come and meet them that doesn't tell me that he's trying to hide anything. If it's really bugging you I'd just say straight out to him that it seemed a bit odd to you that Sarah suddenly appeared when the college boys were a no show and does she fancy him but keep it light!?

Conor30

waterford051 wrote: »

I have to hold up my hand and say I did the same as you and "inadvertently" looked at my boyfriends phone and saw something quite similar to your situation. I couldn't hold my tongue and blurted it out later that night when we were out. He saw nothing in it and didn't feel he was doing anything wrong but i guess thats the difference between men and women. He was completely honest and told me everything and didn't seem to get too excited about the fact that i looked at his phone at all more annoyed than anything that i thought he was up to something which made me feel even more at ease that he had nothing to hide. Now he frequently jokes if i want to check his phone when he gets a text but we're still together! I think he may have felt there was no harm in telling you a white lie that he was actually meeting sarah cos he didn't want you looking into the situation as anything more than it was. Especially when he suggested you come and meet them that doesn't tell me that he's trying to hide anything. If it's really bugging you I'd just say straight out to him that it seemed a bit odd to you that Sarah suddenly appeared when the college boys were a no show and does she fancy him but keep it light!?

Yes I agree. If the OP wants to bring it up with his bf, I think he shouldn't bother mentioning that he looked at his phone, as the bf might be annoyed by that (depending on how long they're going out). He could just casually mention that he was surprised that he was meeting Sarah because he'd never mentioned meeting her.

It does seem slightly odd that the bf was meeting Sarah at the very same time & place he was supposed to be meeting the college mates. It's very convenient. It's probably nothing but I can see why the OP is wondering about it...

Killer Pigeon

Well, as others here have suggested, he invited you down to meet this Sarah person, so he clearly isn't trying to hide anything from you. I think you're just being over-sensitive.

Aard

oisindoyle wrote: »

So why did he lie to me ? Should i confront him about it ??If i do he will kno i looked at his fone ...
If he could lie over something so simple couldnt he lie about something more important ?

Are you not also lying about "something so simple" as looking at his messages? You certainly seem worried he'd find out, so you obviously think it's wrong. Just saying. Sounds like you have difficulty trusting people.

MagicMarker

OP, he lied to you, you invaded his privacy. Either call it even and forget about it, or confront him about it and tell him you went through his phone.

Killer Pigeon

Also, personally, if I found my partner looking through my text messages without my permission, I'd break up with them there and then. So count yourself lucky OP.

syklops

...and said the "guys textd him and cancelled their "arranged meet"..

By text'd did he really mean SMS? Maybe he meant MSN or some other instant messaging protocol. I have a friend who refers to the email he gets on his phone as texts because they go to his phone(). Maybe he got an instant message or email from his mates saying they couldnt make it so he arranged to meet Sarah?

Maybe she wanted to talk to him about something personal and asked him not to let on. Or maybe it was the other way around. To know for sure, you will need to check all his messaging history, and his email(all accounts), and lets face it, if reading his texts doesnt freak him out, digging deep into his private life definitely will. Or, drop it.

Also, I'm assuming he is bi, yes?

Conor30

Aard wrote: »

Are you not also lying about "something so simple" as looking at his messages? You certainly seem worried he'd find out, so you obviously think it's wrong. Just saying. Sounds like you have difficulty trusting people.

You can't extrapolate he has difficulty trusting people in general. Maybe he has gut instincts in this instance that make him feel there might be more to it. There's obviously some reason why there isn't 100% trust in your relationship at the moment.

Personally, I'd let it go. It's very trivial. However, keep an eye on things in the future.

Conor30

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

Also, personally, if I found my partner looking through my text messages without my permission, I'd break up with them there and then. So count yourself lucky OP.

Wow, that's very drastic! Even if you were going out with someone for a few years? I wouldn't break up with a bf for that reason; instead, I'd try to address the problem of lack of 100% trust in our relationship.

Killer Pigeon

Conor30 wrote: »

Wow, that's very drastic! Even if you were going out with someone for a few years? I wouldn't break up with a bf for that reason; instead, I'd try to address the problem of lack of 100% trust in our relationship.

Well, okay, if I was going out with him for a couple of years, then no, I'd just give him a good clip around the ears. But if I were going out with him for only a few months, then yes, I would break up with him.

floggg

Conor30 wrote: »

Wow, that's very drastic! Even if you were going out with someone for a few years? I wouldn't break up with a bf for that reason; instead, I'd try to address the problem of lack of 100% trust in our relationship.

Well, I'd be fairly pissed myself, especially if I was going out for a few years. It would mean not only did he not trust me, but that he was snooping around my stuff instead of talking to me about it. Not exactly a good sign in a long term relationship, and should raise questions.

If it was after a few months, I'd definitely be bouncing !

stephen_n

I would have a serious issue if it was a regular thing but from what the OP seems to be saying this was just a random one! I picked up my GF's phone last week and started reading the push notification without even thinking what I was doing, wasn't even nosey just not thinking! So I don't think random occasions warrant diagnosis of trust issues or ending relationships!

OP as was said I don't think your BF has anything to hide or he wouldn't have invited you along afterwards. There are always loads of unconsidered possibilities, maybe she asked to meet him alone first to discuss something in private and to avoid making you feel left out he created the story. However I think you are now into the part where a lie begets a lie and by not confessing what you know you are in effect lying too. Maybe you need to come clean about what you know and in a strange way place a little trust in your BF to be able to deal with that information!

cgcsb

have you considered the possibility, that he was meeting his college friends and they cancelled before he text sarah and he just didn't tell you right away.

I wouldn't want a bf that needed 24/7 updates on what's going on with me,

Conor30

floggg wrote: »

Well, I'd be fairly pissed myself, especially if I was going out for a few years. It would mean not only did he not trust me, but that he was snooping around my stuff instead of talking to me about it. Not exactly a good sign in a long term relationship, and should raise questions.

If it was after a few months, I'd definitely be bouncing !

Fair enough, but if you've been having a relationship for a few years, you should be able to look at each other's phones without any cause for concern. You should trust each other and be strong enough together that it doesn't even matter.

Conor30

stephen_n wrote: »

However I think you are now into the part where a lie begets a lie and by not confessing what you know you are in effect lying too. Maybe you need to come clean about what you know and in a strange way place a little trust in your BF to be able to deal with that information!

That's a good point. Maybe you could come clean and tell him you're sorry for not completely trusting him. Most people would do and say nothing though, I'd imagine.