"Friend" got forceful with me today

LegacyUser

Hi Guys.
I'm still feel freaked out so excuse any rambling.

Basically, I was walking out of University today with a guy I did a course with last year and we were chatting. He said he'd walk into the city centre with me, I didnt mind, I had a little crush last year on him and always had a soft spot for him. But now I've an amazing boyfriend that I'm falling in love with and I dont see that guy like that anymore.

Anyway, he said lets go a different way to town and I didnt really think twice cause, he was meant to be a "friend".
Anyway, he then insisted we cross the road and when I said "No, I'm going another way", he took my left arm, with both hands and literally, dragged me by the jacket.
Now, at first I thought he was having a laugh. But he continued to drag me when I pulled back and he got much more forceful. I told him to stop but he kept blocking my way and said we were going the "scenic route" and its a "different way into town".

People passed us and no one even stopped to see if everything was ok!!! But then again I didnt say help. But I think a girl trying to get away from a guy dragging her should say it all, right???
I saw a bus and said "Theres my bus!".. he let go straight away. But it went past me.
I kept my cool and said I was walking to the next bus stop and walked away. He caught up with me and walked me into town.
I finally reached my bus stop and I told him to go and do his own thing but he insisted on waiting with me. He seemed back to normal. I got on the bus and let out a breath of relief. I was so scared.

I mailed my friend what happened cause she is friendly with him too. And she said shes going to avoid him etc etc but shes in medicine. Different building.

I am in the same course as this guy again and he's in my lectures... What the hell do I do?
I blocked him off FB straight away. He doesnt "own a phone" so he doesnt have anyother way of contacting me, which is lucky now since as his "friend" I used to pester him to get a phone.

I was shocked to think someone I considered a friend, do that to me!! I knew he was kind of weird last year but I gave him a chance.
I think he knew I liked him last year and saw a weakness. But why the hell would he think it was ok to act that way? I dont like him and he's not a nice person.(I see that now as I dont fancy him)

Also, do I tell my boyfriend? We've only been together 3months and I know he cares/loves me but I dont want to upset him or create drama or a perception Im always vunerable.

I feel very unsafe now. I felt so happy with university, my bf etc but that truly scared me. I want to feel safe again.

Please help me guys. Sorry about rambling.

Ainekav

i would tell your boyfriend, if he is as nice as you say he is then he will be supportive.

i would be inclined to make this public - this guy sounds like he might do something more serious next time and someone else could be seriously harmed...

but i dont know how you would do that without making a big fuss and people maybe thinking you are being dramatic. i would definitely tell a few friends in college who you trust.

if you are feeling afraid and upset I would get yourself to a counsellor and if this guy so much as comes near you again I would go to the cops.

thats my 2c, hope youre ok

jonevin

I would tell your boyfriend now and also advoid this person. God this is not normal behaviour!

Imagine if it was dark what would have happened, totally weird.

Hope ur ok x

qwertytlk

Scary.... Hope ur ok.
If i was you i would yell your bf. He needs to know. As for this creep, well needless to say you should stay as far away from his as possible. I know you say hes in some of your lectures but just try to distance yourself from him. Dont talk to him, or look at him. If you did then he may get the wrong idea. Chances are if this comes out he will say he was just messing(i dont think he was though), but regardless of wheater he was or not, he made you feel scared and unsafe and thats not on.
When you say you knew he was 'weird', what did you mean by this? Obviously you never thought he would do something like this but....what?

Overheal

jonevin wrote: »

I would tell your boyfriend now and also advoid this person. God this is not normal behaviour!

Imagine if it was dark what would have happened, totally weird.

Hope ur ok x

I wouldn't keep it secret either tell the bf. and I know you've looked at this retrospectively: if something like that ever hapPens again don't wait for bystanders to ask if you're ok. Call out for help. And be forceful by telling him no or to get the **** off you, verbatim.

Next I would immediately contact student services or counselling about the incident.

RandolphEsq

runningscared wrote: »

Hi Guys.
I'm still feel freaked out so excuse any rambling.

Basically, I was walking out of University today with a guy I did a course with last year and we were chatting. He said he'd walk into the city centre with me, I didnt mind, I had a little crush last year on him and always had a soft spot for him. But now I've an amazing boyfriend that I'm falling in love with and I dont see that guy like that anymore.

Anyway, he said lets go a different way to town and I didnt really think twice cause, he was meant to be a "friend".
Anyway, he then insisted we cross the road and when I said "No, I'm going another way", he took my left arm, with both hands and literally, dragged me by the jacket.
Now, at first I thought he was having a laugh. But he continued to drag me when I pulled back and he got much more forceful. I told him to stop but he kept blocking my way and said we were going the "scenic route" and its a "different way into town".

People passed us and no one even stopped to see if everything was ok!!! But then again I didnt say help. But I think a girl trying to get away from a guy dragging her should say it all, right???
I saw a bus and said "Theres my bus!".. he let go straight away. But it went past me.
I kept my cool and said I was walking to the next bus stop and walked away. He caught up with me and walked me into town.
I finally reached my bus stop and I told him to go and do his own thing but he insisted on waiting with me. He seemed back to normal. I got on the bus and let out a breath of relief. I was so scared.

I mailed my friend what happened cause she is friendly with him too. And she said shes going to avoid him etc etc but shes in medicine. Different building.

I am in the same course as this guy again and he's in my lectures... What the hell do I do?
I blocked him off FB straight away. He doesnt "own a phone" so he doesnt have anyother way of contacting me, which is lucky now since as his "friend" I used to pester him to get a phone.

I was shocked to think someone I considered a friend, do that to me!! I knew he was kind of weird last year but I gave him a chance.
I think he knew I liked him last year and saw a weakness. But why the hell would he think it was ok to act that way? I dont like him and he's not a nice person.(I see that now as I dont fancy him)

Also, do I tell my boyfriend? We've only been together 3months and I know he cares/loves me but I dont want to upset him or create drama or a perception Im always vunerable.

I feel very unsafe now. I felt so happy with university, my bf etc but that truly scared me. I want to feel safe again.

Please help me guys. Sorry about rambling.

I think you have overreacted completely. I read the OP twice and the 'incident' didn't seem like a big deal. He manhandled you, you felt uncomfortable as a result of your own doing. Then you ignore him, without asking him why he was so forceful or telling him you didn't like what he did. Probably he has been done a favour.

LegacyUser

Hey again guys,

What I meant by him being "weird" was that he constantly insulted people/strangers to their face from pointing out a flaw about them to telling them to f-off with no merit to do so! Always make weird sexual "jokes"/comments about people we know and my friends all stayed away. But he used to talk to me and once, he was there for me when I broke up with my ex last year. He listened. But now that I look back, he didnt actually offer any advice

One thing I really dont like is that in all the time Ive known him, Ive had 2 boyfriends. And he constantly talked/mocked something about anything I said about them.
Recently my current boyfriend, the guy would say out of nowhere comments.

Also, I'm not sure about telling my boyfriend. Yes, I'll talk to my girlfriends about it but I dont want my boyfriend to worry. But then again, this guy was a constant trouble maker and used to repeat what someone told him to the person it was about infront of all parties!!
So, imagine if my boyfriend and I were near him, what would he make this situation sound like!!

And, I dont think I need counselling. I think he does... Why should I get it? One of the girls said last night, he clearly has issues!

HalloweenJack

The important things is to tell your boyfriend. He's going to know something's up and it's best to just open up about it. You've no reason to feel guilty or anything. He should be supportive and understanding.

Also, stay away from that gob****e.

leggo

RandolphEsq wrote: »

I think you have overreacted completely. I read the OP twice and the 'incident' didn't seem like a big deal. He manhandled you, you felt uncomfortable as a result of your own doing. Then you ignore him, without asking him why he was so forceful or telling him you didn't like what he did. Probably he has been done a favour.

Huh? She should have gotten sexually assaulted or god knows what else before she had a problem with it?!

Very worrying and creepy reply there tbh. The fact you think a woman being manhandled by a man isn't a big deal, alone, is bad enough. That's before you even read into what you're saying further.

There's no reason for her friend to behave like that and his manner screams of every warning sign in the book. The OP handled the situation perfectly and, thank god, because who knows what could've happened. I can only imagine how she feels now, that would be scary enough to happen with a complete stranger, but her trust in a supposed friend is now shattered on top of it all.

OP I wouldn't be afraid to say it to anyone at all. Trust your gut on this one. People need to know that this guy is trouble. And letting everyone know will hopefully push him further away from you because not only will your close friends not want anything to do with him, but he probably won't want to damage his reputation any further by being seen to confront you.

A0

OP, make sure you let as many people as possible know about his behaviour. Tell your bf, friends, etc. Shame on him. I'd report him to the police.

Taltos

RandolfEsq please review our charter if you have not already done so.

While opinions are welcome the intent is to provide the OP with some constructive advice.

Taltos

tenchi-fan

It's possible he's just really socially awkward and was just messing.
Having said that, best to avoid him for a while.

I am a friend

tenchi-fan wrote: »

It's possible he's just really socially awkward and was just messing.
Having said that, best to avoid him for a while.

Tbh, I agree....

LegacyUser

No friend, socially awkward or not, simply drags someone along against their wishes, while their supposed friend tells them to stop and resists the entire time. It's very dangerous to whitewash this kind of behavior.

Extremely scary situation OP. I think those suggesting that you talk to some one aren't suggesting there's anything wrong with you, just that it might help to deal with any feelings of fear or vulnerability that you may be experiencing.

LegacyUser

First off, the guys behaviour is not normal. If I was the guy walking with you and you said you were going a different direction, sure I might go with you to ensure you got there safe but I would certainly not drag you along the road. I think the guys behaviour of dragging you along the road is far worse than being 'socially awkward' as other posters have suggested.

You are in a tricky position here. I would certainly advise telling your boyfriend (As long as hes not somebody who gets into a rage and will go and beat the crap out of the guy).

Bit the real question is if you should tell your classmates; this guy could potentially pose a threat to some of them. And if something does happen, and you hadnt said anything, would you wish you had said something? But if you do say something, then this guy could be ostracised when he may not deserve to be. I think you should contact a university counsellor and ask for their advice; they must have experience in stories like this and should offer the correct advice.

SlimCi

I would tell your boyfriend so he knows if anything happened to you that you were having trouble with this guy, and also for support. (Dont mean to scare you but its for your own safety also)

I would not make this public knowledge however amongst your classmates as it just could have been complete social gombeenism and messing and it could just provoke him.

I WOULD however go out of the way to meet the guy while you are with your boyfriend and point out that he is not to EVER approach you again and to STAY AWAY or you will report him.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would you not say it to your bf? If something had happened him that upset him or played on his mind would you want him to tell you? Or to keep it from you so that you don't worry?

Your man sounds a bit "odd" alright... maybe he thought he was messing. Maybe he thought he was being hilarious... but once you showed sign of being uncomfortable, he should have stopped.

Maybe he just hasn't a clue...

It's not your job to teach him social awareness, but if you do bump into him you should let him know in no uncertain terms that you are ending your friendship, and why.

LegacyUser

I would echo a previous poster here and say be sure to shout if it ever happens again.

Scream, shout, scratch, whatever.....do whatever it takes to get this creep away from you.

His "social awkwardness and messing" is his own weird business, but there's no way I'd want him anywhere near my girlfriend, sisters or anyone else.

Don't be afraid of making a scene. This guy sounds dangerous, big time.

snafuk35

This guy is a nut and he sounds dangerous.
Stay away from him and if he comes near you tell him to get lost.
Tell your boyfriend what happened and tell your friends too.

Overheal

And, I dont think I need counselling. I think he does... Why should I get it? One of the girls said last night, he clearly has issues!

A counselor would be able to give better, structured advice on what might be a good course of action. Counselors can even in some cases (at least in some US colleges) take an 'early alert' approach, and schedule 2nd/3rd party students for voluntary counseling based on the credence of other people. Basically if the guy needs help or theres action that needs to be taken, they are in a position to help out with that. So no it's not necessarily that you yourself would need counseling; don't take that the wrong way sorry.

WesternNight

runningscared wrote: »

And, I dont think I need counselling. I think he does... Why should I get it? One of the girls said last night, he clearly has issues!

It's not an insult for someone to suggest that counselling might help.

You've been through something that has affected you, it certainly would have traumatised me if it had happened to me. You don't have to do anything, and talking to family/friends/boyfriend might be all you need, but there are very good counsellors available too if you want to talk to anyone else who may be in a better position to give particularly constructive feedback. It's entirely up to you.

It doesn't mean you're in any way mentally ill/unstable/crazy/whatever, if that's what you think.

kylith

I would advise that if you see him in a social group you should ask, in front of other people "What did you think you were doing trying to drag me down X the other day? It made me feel very nervous, and I don't think I'm comfortable being alone with you again." This will let other people know that he behaved in an inappropriate manner without you calling him an attempted rapist.

I was in college with a guy who liked to try to get behind girls and hug them. I found that the best way to deal with it was to say, loudly and clearly "Please let go of me, I do not like it when you try to put your arms around me". It lets him, and everyone else, know what's going on without saying anything libellous.

Tefral

I would hit the roof if my Girlfriend came home and told me your story. Personally speaking id go and knock his head off his shoulders.. but thats just me. Id struggle to think even my most docile friends wouldnt find this hard to deal with if their Girlfriends came home with this story.

I would most certainly tell your Boyfriend of this. This way you can text him for the next few days when your in college and are leaving, he might be able to come meet you or something. If the guy sees you with him he might retreat from his position. He might also offer you some advice that would help you both.

I think you've handled the situation well so far I definitely wouldnt go along and not tell someone else though.

LegacyUser

Hey again,

I think I might tell my boyfriend. But how do you bring it up? "Oh hey, by the way....."

Since it happened, I've felt extremely guilty, stupid and ....disgusting?
Why do I feel like that if that guy didn't sexually assault me? Is it the fact I'm constantly picturing what might of happened?
I'm so scared of telling my boyfriend. He told me I could tell him anything. But we are getting on so well and enjoying the first stages. It feels like this could damage us but at the same time, I feel really hurt and unsafe still. And from past experience, the "i like to drag people" guy would, if given the opportunity, try and make it sound like something else. I cannot believe, now in hindsight, how I didn't see the signs of dangerous trouble, even personality wise......I feel so stupid....

So, how do I bring it up with my boyfriend?

leggo

Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. These incidents have a way of bringing every fear, doubt and insecurity to the fore...simply because it's so irrational and unpredictable that it causes people to ask every single question and even try to put the blame on themselves if it helps explain it ("Why didn't I see it coming?" etc). On top of it all, you've also lost a friend and your trust has been broken so that makes the whole thing worse.

The important thing is that you are a victim here, completely blame-free. But a victim who had a lucky escape thanks to quick-thinking on your part. You are not in any way to blame and any of the feelings you're going through are just your brain going into hyper-drive trying to think of the 'What If's'.

This is why counselling can help. As stated, counselling isn't for crazy people, it's for people who have gone through traumatic experiences and need to make sense of it all to get their head back where it was by talking to a trained professional who can help them do so.

Talking to your boyfriend will help. There's no wrong way or inappropriate time to bring it up. If it makes it easier, maybe even send him a text beforehand like "Can we talk later? Need to tell you something. Don't worry it's nothing to do with us just need to talk to someone about it" (the latter put in in case he thinks you're going to break up with him or anything) That's it, job done. And you'll probably see that just opening your mouth and saying the words out loud to someone who'll understand will lift a weight off your shoulders in itself.

Danniboo

Op, I think counselling for yourself is a good idea. For a start you need to find out why you'd keep company with someone and "fancy" someone who you admitted is "weird, insults people, randomly tells people to f**k off and is just a bit strange." Sounds to me like you liked the fact that this guy would listen to you sounding off and gave you an ego boost. Nevertheless, you weren't to know this guy was a complete whackjob. OP, tell your boyfriend for goodness sake before this eats you up. His support will help you and you can find a way to deal with it together. In future don't confide in someone that fits the above description. Keep yourself safe OP xxx

LegacyUser

Guys thanks for the great advice.

And to the last poster, "Dannii" something or other, who literally told me I like the company of cruelity, we all make the wrong judgements and mistakes, quite obviously on your part if you just said that about me. I feel hurt and scared enough without you coming on here and ripping me for something else.
It is no secret among me and my friends, I always give people a chance and unfortunately I've been silly enough in the past to keep giving people the benefit of the doubt and look where it has gotten me. And yeah, I got bitten. Lesson learned.

I knew he had issues. But since this has happened, me and my friends have connected the dots about him and how weird he was.

Frankily, I'm actually astonished at that response. You dont know me and I did my best, while I was still shaking, to write stuff that made sense about what happened.

Thanks to everyone else though. Ye've been great to me. Really appreciate it.
At least some of ye know how to be tactful....

MOD: Thread can be closed, everything was sorted today. Thanks.