How to start living my life

Newbie555

I am a long time reader of Boards but this is my 1st time asking for help. Sorry but this is a long one.

I am a 33 year single female, people would think I have a good life. I have my own house, a mortgage I can afford, car, good job, go on 2 holidays a year but the thing is I am not happy.

I live in my house on my own, and I always feel everyone is doing something where all I do is sit on the couch and watch TV. Noone ever calls to see me. If I want to meet family & friends I always have to call to see them. I had lodgers in the past but they have moved out to live with their partners, as I don’t want to live with complete strangers I find it hard to get someone to move in.

I have a good family but it is like there life is moving on where’s mine is a standstill. I have brothers and sisters who are married with children, one is planning his wedding for next year, they have built new houses, opened a new business and I am still in the same rut I was in 10 years ago. I don’t want to be jealous of them but I know I am a bit. Sometimes they would ask why I’m so down but I feel I can’t tell them that I don’t like my life.

I have been single for a long time (5 years), in the last 3 years all my friends have gotten married, and some have had children. I hate going to weddings on my own but I don’t have anyone to bring

I would love to have a boyfriend but I honestly can’t see it ever happening now. I get on with guys as friends but if some guy starts chatting me up on a night out my mind goes completely blank and I honestly can’t think of a thing to say and eventually they leave again. There is a guy I like but I haven’t told anyone this as I think it’s a bit childish to say you like someone when you are 33 years old and the person I be telling is married with children, these are conversations you have in your teens.

There is this party on at the weekend that I have been really looking forward to and I know he is going to be there, for the last while I am be thinking what if we get on, what if he asks me out and so forth but now it is near I feel depressed about going to it as I know it won’t happen and I will be down about it afterwards

One of my closest friends is emigrating in a week and 2 other girls are pregnant and have no interest in going out now so I know I won’t be going out as much from now on.

Over the last few months this has been getting me down quite a lot. I could spend half the night dreaming what my life could be like but then when I wake up I realise it is just one long boring one and feel very down about it

Any advice how I can start “living my life” again

Miss Fluff

Newbie555 wrote: »

There is this party on at the weekend that I have been really looking forward to and I know he is going to be there, for the last while I am be thinking what if we get on, what if he asks me out and so forth but now it is near I feel depressed about going to it as I know it won’t happen and I will be down about it afterwards

What?! Why on Earth would you be so so negative? If you really have so little hope in the future then you might as well take up knitting and buy a few cats. Oh and a big stick to wave at unruly neighbourhood children!

The most attractive thing in another person is optimism, humour and confidence. I get that you're feeling down about things and holding a pity-party for one, I've been there in the past and it can leave you feeling very sorry for yourself. But you can't ever EVER give up hope. If you want to meet someone and fall in love and have the fairytale then you have to believe it will happen. If you believe in it enough and project yourself as a warm and friendly person who is happy in themselves then people will gravitate towards you.

They won't gravitate towards someone who is stood in the corner looking miserable. I know that it's easier said than done but you do need to believe that it will happen for you when the time is right and until then you need to enjoy the journey.

Sitting at home on the sofa plonked in front of the TV night after night is not good. He's not going to come knocking at your door. Join a wine tasting group, take up a sport, go to table quizzes, find other single girls to go out with and have a laugh and start being proactive! Convincing yourself that you're doomed before you've even left the house has to stop.

coolcat63

You need to start being proactive - life isn't going to come and knock at your door - you're going to have to put in a little effort.

Your flirting muscle is flabby and needs some exercise! Get online and join some internet dating sites; not necessarily to find Mr Right (although that would be a bonus) but to learn how to chat, flirt and interact with men again.

The problem with lack of "success" getting you down is that nobody is going to be attracted to someone who is down.

OP you said you are sitting watching tv a lot. Why don't you take up some hobbies. There are a variety of things which could be done in groups - music workshops or language courses, or art courses, or hillwalking or all sorts of things. It will get you out there doing things, cheering up a bit, meeting new people, etc.
Once you get the ball rolling you may find the rest falling more easily into place. Find something that interests you and makes you happy doing it and go from there.

lisa_eire

Pretty much in the same boat. I think its a common problem as you get older and your friends get settled when your still single.
Have you thought about furthering your education and doing a course that will help you in your job or even just a course for fun perhaps in something you have always been interested.
How about volunteering or taking up a new hobby. Tagrugby and hockey are meant to be very social.
I have a friend who volunteers for the niall mellon township, travels to Africa every year and loves it, though there is a lot of fund raising involved.
You just need to find something that interests you.
Good luck :-)

LegacyUser

You know, I feel the very same. I ended up seeing a counsellor about some other problems recently and things got around to something a lot like what you're feeling. I'm a few years older than you, female, single, good job, not short of material things. Yet, despite what I've achieved in life (which I've undervalued) I still feel I'm in this rut. It does hurt like hell when you realise that your siblings, cousins and friends are all settling down around you and you're like the last man standing. I found myself sitting on the sofa, bawling my eyes out over it. If I'm honest, I feel very lonely sometimes and have given up on the idea of meeting someone.

What you need to do is get out of the house more and meet more people (this is advice I'm directing at myself as well - perhaps I should take some of it ). Try out new hobbies etc. Much as we'd like Mr Right to show up on our doorsteps, he ain't coming. Maybe try online dating. The counsellor suggested I do it but so far I've not plucked up the courage but I might.

There's not much more I can suggest really only to say chin up. I know exactly how you feel.

tenchi-fan

Newbie555 wrote: »

I am a 33 year single female, people would think I have a good life. I have my own house, a mortgage I can afford, car, good job, go on 2 holidays a year but the thing is I am not happy.

You have a good life! You just need to be happy.

Newbie555 wrote: »

Noone ever calls to see me. If I want to meet family & friends I always have to call to see them.

I don't think there's any shame in inviting people to your house, or visiting other people.

Newbie555 wrote: »

There is this party on at the weekend that I have been really looking forward to and I know he is going to be there, for the last while I am be thinking what if we get on, what if he asks me out and so forth but now it is near I feel depressed about going to it as I know it won’t happen and I will be down about it afterwards

I read somewhere that men like women to make the first move. And women have a habit of getting what they want and making the guy think it was his idea. Get into a convo with him and if you hit it off casually mention that you enjoyed the chat and would he like to go for coffee during the week.

Also, without being negative... don't pin all your hopes all on this one guy. If he doesn't bite, don't give up. Consider networking.. if any of your friends have friends or brothers that caught your eye, ask your friend is he single and try to find out a little more about him.. your friends will be only too happy to try to play matchmaker.

solovely

I'm sorry OP, posts like yours used to make me feel sad, now they make me feel angry.

You say yourself you have achieved great things, yet you choose to look on yourself as a failure because you haven't as of yet, as of much less than halfway through your life, met someone that you would like to spend a good chunk of it with. So what? You're in a great position and are doing yourself (and other singles in similar positions) a great disservice by moping around feeling sorry for yourself, when you should be out making the most out of the one and only life you will ever live.

I know you know this, otherwise you wouldn't have posted, but you seem have become so fixated on being single that you can't see beyond it and get out there and enjoy the amazing opportunities and experiences, we, as Irish people, have on our doorsteps.

I'm close to your age and single also. There are times I've moped around and felt sorry for myself like you are doing now, but I would hope I never let myself get that despairing.

OK, so some tips to get you out there...

- find new friends! Most of the people I hang around with these days I didn't even know 5 years ago. Yeah, I still have my married friends, but they take up a different space in my life to my new, fun, single friends (by fun and single, I don't mean desperate 4am nightclub girls, I mean new people, up for a laugh, doing stuff, weekends away, nights out, walks, hikes, runs, etc.) How do you this? It's not easy, I grant you, and you do have to put yourself out there and be the desperate one. The ways I did it was through work, friends of friends, new groups, volunteering. You need to be proactive, suggest stuff to do. There's tonnes of other girls out there in the same situation dying for stuff to do.

- turn off the TV and find stuff to do. I couldn't tell you the last night I sat at home in front of the TV. There is SOOO much stuff to do in Ireland. We are blessed. When you're maried and boring, you don't have the opportunitity to take up all the excellent stuff on offer. Get active, get fit, you'll feel so much better about yourself. Run, join bootcamp, a hiking club, whatever it is that takes your fancy. Join a meetup.com group, go to a museum a week, to the theatre, comedy gigs, music gigs....all the stuff your married friends would love to do, but can't cos they're in a different lifestage now. Just imagine yourself settled in ten years time and do all the things you think you will have regretted not doing.

- stop fixating on finding a man. You will. Tell yourself you will. You know you will. So be concerned about the now, and making YOU happy now, and out of that some amazing man will see the happy, confident you and be dying to be with you. Who would you rather? The guy who wallows in front of Corrie every night on his own feeling sorry for himself, or the confident guy out there 7 nights a week doing stuff that makes him happy??

To do all of this, you need to be brave. Before you talk to that guy, you need to talk to five girls. You need to stop being afraid. What's the worst that can happen? You look desperate? You get hurt? So what, these are all part of life experiences and you move on and get over them!

I'm not saying this as someone who has never been there. I know how much easier it is to sit in and wallow than it is to get out there and live life. But life is not going to get any better living it as you are now, and only YOU can change. Blaming friends moving on (it's the circle of life), lack of a boyfriend, etc. is only pushing the issue onto others.

Now, get up and get going :-)

Zen65

solovely wrote: »

I'm not saying this as someone who has never been there. I know how much easier it is to sit in and wallow than it is to get out there and live life. But life is not going to get any better living it as you are now, and only YOU can change. Blaming friends moving on (it's the circle of life), lack of a boyfriend, etc. is only pushing the issue onto others.

Now, get up and get going :-)

+1

Solovely has hit the nail on the head really. Life isn't a rehearsal, get out and live it the way you want.

Be at peace,

Z

Xterminator

saw a motivational poster recently

dont wait for your ship to come in - swim out to meet it.

i reckon that is very appropriate in your case.