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Separation advice

  • 13-10-2011 1:50am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    My marriage of 9 years has broken down. I am self employed and business is very quiet. Finances are difficult. Mortgage is in arrears by about 5K. I have two great kids 10 and 5 years old. Almost constant fighting, sometimes physical. Although she hasn't been in a while. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a while now. The atmosphere in the house is suffocating. I make any excuse just to get out of the house pretending that I have jobs to do. I really miss my kids when I do this. I really love my two kids but I have come to realisation that I should leave the house for their sakes. The only thing is, I cant afford to. My wife is a great mother to the kids. She has never struck me in front of the kids. No matter what I say or do, it is always my fault. I'm the failure. I am sorry for rambling. It is very difficult for me to write this. I long for the time when I can afford my own place with enough space for my kids to stay over.

    Basically I am asking for any advice in what I should or could do. If and when I can leave I will still support my kids. I don't want this to affect them in any way. What are my rights and entitlements? Thank you.


Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Hi OP,
    Sorry to hear how rough you're having it.
    Be assured, it will not always feel like this.
    It will be tough for six months or more. After a year or so, you'll be a happier more confident person. Hang on to that thought.

    Get yourself off to a family solicitor, s/he will be qualified to inform you of your rights.

    When you split with your wife, try to keep it as calm as possible.
    You two will need to work together for the next number of years in order that this transition is as easy as possible for your children. Being on good terms with your wife will make all the difference.
    If you guys can manage to do that, life will be so much better for everyone involved.

    Your kids will be upset, but, will learn very quickly to live with it - IF - you are consistent in your time with them and not change your behaviour towards them.
    Show them love and they will be fine.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,940 ✭✭✭maxwell smart


    Its better not to go to court and work something out in mediation with your and her solicitors.

    Why should you leave the house? I'm going through a crisis at the moment but she will never get me out of here. This is my home and the kids home. If she wants to live apart from me then she had to go.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 205 ✭✭MiniSquish


    When my parents split up they were in the same situation as you (living in the same house). My Dad refused to leave and in the end my Mom left and stayed with her friend. The time that they lived in the house with us together was terrible though- one parent in the kitchen watching tv and the other in the sitting room in the evenings, so tense and every night I'd hear my Mom crying from my brothers room where she was now sleeping. I really think that now looking back it was for the best that my parents split up but it was really horrible while they lived together. If there is anything you both can do to remedy that I would, because I'm not being horrible but kids do pick up on a lot more than you think that they do and this cant be good for them either.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Solid advice from Beruthial there OP.

    MiniSquish wrote: »
    When my parents split up they were in the same situation as you (living in the same house). My Dad refused to leave and in the end my Mom left and stayed with her friend. The time that they lived in the house with us together was terrible though- one parent in the kitchen watching tv and the other in the sitting room in the evenings, so tense and every night I'd hear my Mom crying from my brothers room where she was now sleeping. I really think that now looking back it was for the best that my parents split up but it was really horrible while they lived together. If there is anything you both can do to remedy that I would, because I'm not being horrible but kids do pick up on a lot more than you think that they do and this cant be good for them either.

    @ Maxwell ^^^ THAT is why one or the other goes. It's not healthy for the kids to be in a situation like that. Kids need happy parents to feel happy and secure themselves. If both have the "why should I leave" attitude, it's like living in purgatory for them. Mediation, mediation, mediation all the way. It's the only way to ensure your heads are focused on the most important people in the scenario, the children. They don't ask to be born, and have a right to a happy environment. Time to put down the swords, and act like not only grown ups, but parents.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,497 ✭✭✭omahaid


    Hi OP, have you made any reports to the Gardai regarding the violence you are suffering from your wife?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here. She now wants me to leave the house and to give €400 a week. I told her I cant afford to leave and she told me to live with my parents which I am not too keen on. I dont want my kids hurt. They've been great. She wants to be able to "move on" which she said she cant do with me still in the house! I cant believe it has come to this! Thanks for letting me blow off steam here.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    OP here. She now wants me to leave the house and to give €400 a week. I told her I cant afford to leave and she told me to live with my parents which I am not too keen on. I dont want my kids hurt. They've been great. She wants to be able to "move on" which she said she cant do with me still in the house! I cant believe it has come to this! Thanks for letting me blow off steam here.

    What the hell for :S


    She can't expect you to leave and make a life for yourself if she's milking you dry. I know you're not going to like this, but go back to your parents till you've worked up some cash for a deposit for an apartment or a flat. Make sure you've enough room in the new place for your childrens over night stays. I know you're worried about them being upset over all this, but it's going to cause a lot of upset in front of them if you're still in the house and she's bringing a new partner in. Do you actually want to be there for that either?

    You know the day to day costs of the kids. Account for childcare, clothes, food, school stuff etc, and put into her account whatever you think is genuinely fair in this case. Ask to see the bills for the house and contribute as fairly as you can given you need to be saving for a deposit for a new place. If she is unhappy with that, she will have to take you to court for maintenance. you will be given a sheet to fill out all of your expenditure, and a fair amount will be sorted in court. I would try to be in a new place before this happens, so you can account for rent, electricity and all other bills you may have.

    But do pay something towards the kids and the bills you're still accountable for. The kids shouldn't suffer financially for their parents split, which happens all to commonly, unfortunately.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    OP here. She now wants me to leave the house and to give €400 a week. I told her I cant afford to leave and she told me to live with my parents which I am not too keen on. I dont want my kids hurt. They've been great. She wants to be able to "move on" which she said she cant do with me still in the house! I cant believe it has come to this! Thanks for letting me blow off steam here.

    She obviously has euro signs in her eyes to think all her problems will be solved if only you'd move out, leave her the house, she'd claim OPF benefit and receive over €20k a year tax free from you, and you'd be stuck with a mortgage on a property you don't even live in.

    Even then, you will not be supporting your kids. The state will be supporting them.. you will just be allowing your wife to live a lifestyle which previously she needed a husband to fund.

    Do not leave your home. As soon as you do, you will have ZERO legal rights in Ireland.

    I hope it works out for you but the atmosphere in the house seems to have been created by your wife and she is trying to bully you out. If you leave, she will poison your kids against you by saying you walked out.

    The best thing you can do is spend as much time as possible with your kids. Do everything right. Even be a perfect husband and treat your wife well. Ask her how her day is, even if she's doesn't answer. Cook dinner occassionally even if she refuses to eat it. Wash the dishes and hoover even if you're tired. She will no doubt bitch to her friends that you're somehow trying to undermine her, but your actions won't correspond to what she's saying.

    Also, bond as much as possible with the kids. When you leave the house for some space don't use a pretext of "having jobs to do".. just take them with you!

    Moneywise, have you met MABS yet? Have you had an interest only period, a payment holiday, or have you extended the term of your mortgage to 40 years? Have you claimed mortgage interest supplement for a year? Have you maximised your income, even if it means going door-to-door asking people do they need odd jobs done and perhaps forgetting to file a tax return? And also, as you're self employed, have you seen whether family income supplement is available, and have you considered that maybe you are better off on the dole? Don't forget also that there is a moratorium on house repossessions, particularly for families, so don't worry too much about the arrears on your mortgage.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Abi wrote: »
    I know you're not going to like this, but go back to your parents till you've worked up some cash for a deposit for an apartment or a flat. ...
    it's going to cause a lot of upset in front of them if you're still in the house and she's bringing a new partner in. Do you actually want to be there for that either?

    :O Why can't his wife move back with her parents? That's disgraceful, sexist advice.
    What's all this garbage about bringing a new partner in? So the op works all day to pay bills while his wife goes on a man-hunt? I don't know what happened between women's rights contained in the constitution and the end of the celtic tiger but whatever it was extremely damaging to families.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Why should you leave the house? I'm going through a crisis at the moment but she will never get me out of here. This is my home and the kids home. If she wants to live apart from me then she had to go.

    Fair play, maxwell,

    I know a guy who got married and gave his wife everything she wanted. A car, a baby, and then a massive home valued at over €400k (which she obviously saw as a golden goose!) - edit: did i mention he spent months building it himself with the help of his family

    Then she started seeing her new, young, unemployed boyfriend. She moved herself and her baby in with her father while looking for a new property to rent with her fancy man. She began legal proceedings to force her husband to sell his house and give her the profit of over €200k to start her new life.

    Fortunately, the bust struck.

    Knowing that the house on the market would just about cover the mortgage and her husband no longer had enough hours to pay the mortgage AND rent on a house of his own AND child maintenance, she asked to get back together with him.

    He said "not a chance." The firesale of the house just about covered the mortgage. The guy was self-employed and makes just enough money to pay his own rent and some child maintenance. And his wife and child are now living with her father.

    I was so delighted for her. She was a despicable human being. Hopefully her son will see this when he is older.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    tenchi-fan wrote: »
    :O Why can't his wife move back with her parents? That's disgraceful, sexist advice.
    How the hell is that sexist? I'm thinking of the practicalities behind it all. The children generally stay with the mother, what is the point in upsetting the children and removing them from their home. Is the split between their parents not catastrophic enough? :confused::confused:

    What's all this garbage about bringing a new partner in? So the op works all day to pay bills while his wife goes on a man-hunt?
    Hold on just a minute here. He said his ex wants to 'move on'. You've taken what I've said to be an actuality, that it's happening now, that she's currently seeking a new partner. I was talking about further down the line.


    I think the main focus here isn't the OP or his wife, it should be the children involved. They are 5 and 10 years old, so they have their wits about them. They see their parents aren't getting on under the same roof.

    The marriage is obviously over. The OP and his ex have to remove their own feelings for each other, the bitterness and the stubborn 'you leave / no you leave!!' behaviour and start doing right by their children. I would have thought that this was blatantly obvious, but apparently not.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Abi wrote: »
    The OP and his ex have to remove their own feelings for each other, the bitterness and the stubborn 'you leave / no you leave!!' behaviour and start doing right by their children. I would have thought that this was blatantly obvious, but apparently not.

    What is obvious is that op's wife knows the lie of the land in Ireland, i.e. fathers have few rights. She knows if she can bully him enough to move out of the house, he will never get back in. That is why she is behaving like that.

    Which is why he need to show his wife whose house it is, i.e. his and his family's.

    Now I'm only going by the op's post so I only know one side of the story, and I am basing my advice on it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    tenchi-fan wrote: »
    Now I'm only going by the op's post so I only know one side of the story, and I am basing my advice on it.

    Okay. Well I'll show you how I see it:
    Almost constant fighting, sometimes physical. Although she hasn't been in a while. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a while now. The atmosphere in the house is suffocating.
    *Alarm bells*

    Not the kind of environment children need to be growing up with.


    If she leaves she's entitled to take the kids with her. If she's forced to leave the house with them, it may mean she will have to seek cheap accommodation, which in turn may mean she may have to leave the area, which in turn she may have to change their schools... the knock on effect this could have to the childrens lives, on top of the fact that their parents are split up and constantly at loggerheads.

    I'm astounded you think this is the better option.



    Don't get me wrong. I think this woman is a piece of work, and I do feel sorry for the OP - believe me. But my attention goes straight to these kids first.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 965 ✭✭✭johnr1


    Abi wrote: »
    Okay. Well I'll show you how I see it:


    *Alarm bells*

    Not the kind of environment children need to be growing up with.


    If she leaves she's entitled to take the kids with her. If she's forced to leave the house with them, it may mean she will have to seek cheap accommodation, which in turn may mean she may have to leave the area, which in turn she may have to change their schools... the knock on effect this could have to the childrens lives, on top of the fact that their parents are split up and constantly at loggerheads.

    I'm astounded you think this is the better option.



    Don't get me wrong. I think this woman is a piece of work, and I do feel sorry for the OP - believe me. But my attention goes straight to these kids first.


    You're clutching at straws here to back up your biased opinion that in every case, the guy should leave his home. Why should he be the one to go into "cheaper accommodation" Why should his wife automatically get custody, - yes, that usually happens in this backward country, but should he make it easier for her by slinking off home to his parents like a whipped pup? Oh yes, I forgot, - she needs to move on, read: move in some f*ucker who never paid a red cent towards the house, so the OPs kids can learn to call him Daddy.
    I have never been so angered or sickened by a series of posts on boards.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,940 ✭✭✭maxwell smart


    Abi wrote: »


    If she leaves she's entitled to take the kids with her.

    I think she is not entitled to take them with her. Her husband has to agree to it. Only if she got a court order would she be entitled to take them. She has no more right to take them then he has to keep them as far a I understand the law.

    They would have to agree to some sharing to facilitate that.

    If you do both get solicitors then try for mediation between them, it would seem that this will at least save you going to court.

    Good Luck


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    johnr1 wrote: »
    You're clutching at straws here to back up your biased opinion that in every case, the guy should leave his home. Why should he be the one to go into "cheaper accommodation" Why should his wife automatically get custody, - yes, that usually happens in this backward country,
    Accusing me of being biased is pretty damn weak. The law is a bitch. But you being emotional and gender bitter about all this, and I'll be realistic.

    Whatever way you look at this, someone needs to piss or get off the pot, for the sake of the children involved.

    I think she is not entitled to take them with her. Her husband has to agree to it.
    She is actually, if she has custody of the children, but not out of the country. No court in the land would take children off their mother without believing that they are in danger in her care.
    If you do both get solicitors then try for mediation between them, it would seem that this will at least save you going to court.
    Now, finally some goddamn sense.



    Of course emotions will run high on a topic like this, and I openly admit the law isn't fair to men. I'm just saying if theres shouting and roaring going on around the kids, it CANNOT GO ON.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 558 ✭✭✭bradolf pittler


    OP here. She now wants me to leave the house and to give €400 a week. I told her I cant afford to leave and she told me to live with my parents which I am not too keen on. I dont want my kids hurt. They've been great. She wants to be able to "move on" which she said she cant do with me still in the house! I cant believe it has come to this! Thanks for letting me blow off steam here.

    hi op,
    i was\am in the same situation as you.i left my ex 2 years ago,had to move back in with the parents etc.felt like crap for leaving my daughter.she was 5 at the time but looking back it was the best thing for all involved.
    i left her the house,the car,t.v's,pc's,laptops everything,i walked out the door with a gym bag full of clothes and have never set foot inside the door since,she moved a guy in 5 months later,salt into the wound but now its doesnt bother me,i see my child everyday which im gratefull for and the ex leaves me alone,currently saving for a place of my own but with loans etc its not easy.....i WILL get there tho.
    1st off millionaires dont give their exs 400 euro per week,why should you?she wants you out so she can "move on"therefore she should have the decency to allow you to make a fresh start too.point this out to her.
    just make sure the kids are provided for,thats all that can be expected of any guy in your situation these days.be there for them when they need you,dont obsess yourself with toys,expensive days out etc....they will just want to spend quality time with you.they will worry about you just as much as you will worry about them.
    i wish you the very best,its a long,hard road but if i may i will pass on these words of wisdom that a friend of mine said to me..."you left your ex,you never left your kids"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Abi wrote: »
    Of course emotions will run high on a topic like this, and I openly admit the law isn't fair to men. I'm just saying if theres shouting and roaring going on around the kids, it CANNOT GO ON.

    Disgusting attitude, Abi. His kids would grow up with zero moral fibre if they learn that they will get their way through bullying and manipulation. I hope the op is able to put his foot down and sort his wife out before she destroys his family.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Also, op... do not move back in with your parents as Abi advised you.

    If you are kicked out, rent a nice place with 2 bedrooms, and have plenty of bills including a car which is necessary for your job. That way when you go to court you can show your income less your expenditure leaves you with a certain amount, out of which child maintenance will be paid.

    Also, do not agree to anything without taking legal advice and ensure everything is put in writing. Your wife wants €400... don't say €200 in the hope she'll split the difference, just let the courts decide. They can't take blood from a stone.

    Start firewalling your income from your wife. Set up a separate current account and ensure all transactions on your joint account require two signatures. Pay her a monthly allowance. (I assume she doesn't have a separate income).


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 773 ✭✭✭echosound


    If the wife is the one demanding the separation, and is the violent spouse in the situation, why is it down to the OP to suffer even more and move out of his own house to start building his life up from scratch and leave his own children behind - why should the wife not be the one to move out in order to "move on" with her life, leaving the children in the house with their father, who is not violent towards his spouse?

    I fully understand that it seems everything is weighted in favour of the mother/wife when separating, but I don't see how the spouse who is being abused and assaulted in the relationship is the one who gets to uproot his life and leave the house and kids and being asked to shell out 400 a week while trying to save a faltering business and pay his own rent and bills??

    OP have you suggested that she should move out to give you both some space, and she can be the one who goes to cool off at her parents' house?

    Some good advice given already in relation to dealing with mortgage arrears/FIS/etc, and could you consider mediation to come to an arrangement that works for both of the adults, and importantly, for the children?

    If it does come down to you moving out, don't go to stay with your parents, rent your own place with a minimum of two bedrooms so you have adequate accommodation to have your children stay over with you when you have access. Perhaps citizens' information could point you in the right direction as regards any supports available, both financial and legal.

    Sorry to hear of your situation OP, I wish you the strength to get to a place where you can be happy in the future.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    tenchi-fan wrote: »
    Abi wrote: »
    Of course emotions will run high on a topic like this, and I openly admit the law isn't fair to men. I'm just saying if theres shouting and roaring going on around the kids, it CANNOT GO ON.

    Disgusting attitude, Abi. His kids would grow up with zero moral fibre if they learn that they will get their way through bullying and manipulation. I hope the op is able to put his foot down and sort his wife out before she destroys his family.
    It's disgusting I don't want to see the kids in a war zone? I know, I don't know how I live with myself at times :rolleyes:


    Moral fibre my backside. The children are five and ten. They need a safe and happy environment, not be dragged through every aspect of their parents separation. At that age, all they should be told is their parents are splitting because they don't get along anymore, and reassure them everything will be ok, and they still love them. Not 'mommy did this' and 'daddy did that'.

    The parents need to mediate to be able to make this as fair as possible. Show some kind of unity rather than drag them through the dirt.

    A continuous theme in your posts is this one up-man-ship over the wife, if she's doing the same, nothing is being done here, and the kids suffer as a result.

    It's the height if irresponsibility on both of their parts to allow this to continue. Children don't ask to be born, but they deserve a happy environment.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 965 ✭✭✭johnr1


    Abi, I'll ignore your previous insults.

    So let's look at the situation coldly then.

    Facts are

    1. There is a violent and abusive partner in the marriage whom ro be fair the OP says has not hit the kids - yet.

    2. This partner would like to move on, the only reason she needs the OP gone to do this is in order to move someone else in "down the road" as you put it.

    3. The OP can barely or cannot meet the mortgage repayments.

    4. It's not clear if the woman works or not but if she expects 400 pw from a struggling business, I think it's likely she doesent.

    5. There is NO custody agreement yet.


    So the only answer is for the guy who is doing what ge can for his family to move back to his parents and let her continue on with her life as normal while he is left with nothing but repayments he cant make and no access agreement to see his children?
    How the hell do you call this un-biased advice.

    On the other hand, the violent abusive partner who wishes to move on without the inconvience of a husband who lives in their house, move out and get access to her children through the courts. Why did you not suggest this alternative?

    Because you clearly believe that when a marriage breaks down, that the woman deserves to have no interference with her standard of living simply because she is a woman !!

    We all agree that the children must be protected, and that their rights and safety comes first, but to use that as an excuse for destroying the mans life while cosseting her's is blatantly sexist and disgusting.

    OP, if you move out, as other posters have said, you will have no legal right to your home, and no guaranteed right to see your children.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Squiggler


    I may have picked it up wrong, but it sounded to me from the original post as if the Mother is the one who is physically violent. Under no circumstances should children be left alone with her.

    A friend of mine left to save his children from seeing him beaten up by his violent wife. She turned on their small children (then 5 and 3). Every time he picked them up they had some new bruise or other.

    Thankfully he did get justice, he has full custody of the children, and the house and she has been ordered to pay maintenance (she has no job or income so he doesn't get a penny out of her, but that's in his favour too).

    But my friend is still wracked with guilt that he left his children alone with that woman.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    johnr1 wrote: »
    Abi, I'll ignore your previous insults.

    Excuse me, where exactly did I insult you? You are determined to tarnish me with with the sexist brush purely because I'm a woman. If you opened your eyes for a second you will see I'm not siding with anyone other than the children involved.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    All - please keep your posts on topic to the OP.

    Any more off topic posts will be dealt with as per our charter.
    If you have an issue with any post please use the Report button, replying in thread just serves to pull the thread off topic and is ZERO use to the OP.

    Taltos


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,940 ✭✭✭maxwell smart


    Abi wrote: »



    She is actually, if she has custody of the children, but not out of the country. No court in the land would take children off their mother without believing that they are in danger in her care.

    I doubt there is a separation agreement in place at the moment, so therefore she has no more right to the children than their father.
    The violence is something that he needs to protect them from.
    OP you need to tell your solicitor about the violence. And perhaps consider reporting it to the Garda as if it comes to a court case, you need to have your ammunition ready well in advance.

    But really you need to try to sit down with your wife, maybe with an independent mediator, and try to thrash out your issues. As Abi said, think of the kids, they are the most important people in your relationship.

    Remember, Christmas is not long away, how are you both going to handle that? (Sorry but for the kids that is a very important FAMILY time).

    You both need to have a really good think about things.

    Good Luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Dear OP,

    From a legal perspective there is a big difference between getting a Seperation Agreement and whats known as a Judicial Seperation. I can't give you Legal Advise but please make sure you are aware of the implications of signing any such agreement before you do! It's ramifications linger very far down the line.

    Have you and your wife tried Couples Counselling in relation to the breakdown of the Marriage, counselling in respect of the separation now rather than any propspect of reconciliation? A friend who recently divorced found when he and his now ex-wife engaged in Counselling, whilst unpleasant, it provided a forum to get to the root of problems and they were able to communicate better in respect of the kids/mortgage etc. afterward.

    I'm not sure how much your wife would know about your current financial state. Perhaps her figure of €400 may be based on what she believes you earn. A good starting point would be to make a list of all current earnings(leaving aside savings at present), then make a list of all expenses that have to be covered, down to hairdressing costs, school books etc. Then make a second list detailing how those same earnings will have to be applied to fund two households, to make it as realistic as possible include any entitlements she may then be permitted so she would know how much she approx would have coming in. Its a sad fact of separation that the lifestyle of all parties will suffer. She may be alot more reasonable if she see's the figures simply don't add up to include €400 to her.

    Its a difficult situation with the house, ye are I'm presuming in Negative Equity on your house which in itself is difficult and maybe it would be worth you signing the house over to her at no real loss to yourself. Solicitors are costly but sometimes neccessary, you could go to the Legal Aid Board, they do all the Legal work and then you pay them after a settlement is reached rather than the way fees are normally applied by other Solicitors.

    I wish you the very best, my heart goes out to you and your kids.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 801 ✭✭✭estar


    Before you do anything go to the solicitors. Tell them about the assault. Then work out with them what to do. Don't be bullied out of your own home and take informed actions that you control. start saving for a deposit now. what is the source of the split? That your business is no longer doing well? Spend time with your kids and people who love you and confide in your friends and family.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,525 ✭✭✭StudentDad


    From what I've read - the wife is violent, wants out and is demanding the husband move out and pay her maintenance.

    Sorry, but that doesn't wash with me (personal experience of this one) - do not move out - if she wants to go sure let her off - but as other posters on this thread have pointed out if the husband leaves he gets tarred with the 'desertion' brush and the chances of him seeing the inside of his home again are very very small.

    Yes it is a difficult situation, yes there are children involved. However, if the wife chooses to move on with her life that is her choice, the family should not suffer for it.

    SD


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 711 ✭✭✭battser


    This is one of the most backward things about this country we live in today. Its absolutly terrible that a decent man and many many other decent men get treated this way. Women fought so hard to get equal rights didn't they! its hard to believe some women can be so cruel cause there is nothing equal about these type of situations there is just right and wrong but in her case its right and right. I am aware of males who are abusive and get their just rewards so not making a generalisation. I actually feel sick when I hear of these stories and I hope I never have to go through it.

    If you listen to Abi's advice (altho I know what you are sayin about the kids but my god you are so far off the mark here) you will lose your rights like it has already been pointed out. Also I would be willing to bet top dollar she has already moved on and wants to move on a little bit further by moving someone into the house. OP stay strong. Man up, stand your ground. Reassure your kids that everything will be ok ( in 20 years time I would double my money on them respecting you so much more than her) and seek the legal advice you will need to take this cruel woman back down to earth. You are not in the wrong at all here. I hope to god you stand your ground. Good luck.


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