I dont want to lose my best friend

LegacyUser

Ive made a terrible mistake.

Basically I think my best friend and me are finished

We've been friends for years, seen each other through everything, and I mean everything, breakups, deaths, good and bad times. I trust with her everything and so did she.

Then I finished college and had to return home two months ago, devasted as I live in another county and felt isolated from the life I loved. We rang each other a lot, facebooked and I go visit every three weeks. I was terrified that our friendship would ebb away since I was so far away, we saw each other nearly everyday, went out together, everything. she's like a sister to me.

anyway, in the last two and a half weeks, she barely texts me back, arranged to phone, changes that, and is very vague in her replies.
this will sound like jealously, but she;s really pally now with other girls, facebooking publically, nights out, ect, coffee, which is great I want her to be happy, we were so close, it would be awful if she didnt have anyone else. we both had other friends, that isnt the case.

Its that she makes very little time for me, is short with me, and even though the last time I was to visit, Im the one who carried her home as she was very drunk and I held her up as she was crying as she was very upset about an issue. I did all that and I would again, she's my best friend. you do that for each other. she was there for me when I was upset, and I was too, Id listen to hour phonecalls about issues and listen listen listen. and now I feel so left out,

then today, I was upset, so I text a mutual friend that I felt very isolated by other friends since I went home. this was manipulative of me, as I knew it would get back to my friend and I hoped it would strike a cord. I couldnt tell my other friend as she just gets really thick and defensive about stuff, it never works.
but then my friend never replied and the weird issue is, another friend text saying her bday was on and I could stay with the friend I had texted.
I also learnt they were all at that friends house when I texted, meaning she obviously told everyone. so Im thinking my best friend didnt want me staying over and now the other friend offered instead. Its the only sense I could make out of it. As I always stayed with my best friend.

Im sorry this is so jumbled. I just feel so sad and alone right now. I felt terribly sad leaving after university but I thought my friendships would last, because the effort was always put in there, and I was determined to mantain it, the thought that she is replacing me because Im not there is sickening. and for people to say its ran its course isnt the case. Its true friendship, no joke. its only in the last two weeks, its gotten strange.

LegacyUser

OP, this will hurt, but it sounds like you are being really clingy?

The manipulative text you sent shows that you are almost begging for her 'pity' -emotionally blackmailing her into giving you all her attention.

It is not healthy. If you don't want to lose your friend then you need to do the opposite of what you are currently doing. Give her some space and stop thinking of yourself all the time.

Sometimes a needy friend is like a drowning man, they pull you under too. I would find your behaviour very offputting to be honest.

I think if you can't change your behaviour you should seek some counselling.

Miss Fluff

whatodonow!!! wrote: »

We rang each other a lot, facebooked and I go visit every three weeks. I was terrified that our friendship would ebb away since I was so far away, we saw each other nearly everyday, went out together, everything. she's like a sister to me

I'm blessed with some very good friends and the "real" friends and those with whom you have a genuine connection and bond with will always be there. It doesn't require constant calls and messages to maintain - I know I've people in my life with whom I've lost contact with and meet up again seamlessly years later. Also, after Uni people do tend to take different directions in life and it is natural that there will be a "fall off" and you'll go on to make new friends at each stage of your life.

I feel sorry for you but it does come across in your post that you're really rather clingy and needy. If you're being demanding and sending passive agressive texts to get to your friend and need constant "minding" then that would be very annoying and irritating for anyone on the receiving end of it. Personally I'd feel sufficated and would start avoiding you.

Maybe chill out a bit and lay back on the contact and put some effort in to expanding your social circle so you're not fixating on the affections of one particular friend.

qwertytlk

Hi, has something happend that has made her be a bit distant with you? Some argument or tiff? Because she is clearly not happy with you if she is gone from contacting you all the time to barley speaking to you. If i were you i would speak to her face to face, if thats not possible then ring her and just ask her out straight why shes gone so cold on you.
Re sending the text to the other friend, well i would stop doing things like that if i were you as it clearly isnt a good idea...i mean Look how it backfired on you! I understand you are feeling rejected and left out but doing things like this is just going to add fuel to the fire, seeing as your friend already seems to be ppissed off with you over something.
Perhaps she feels you are being clingy and needy, as another poster mentioned? I dont mean to be harsh saying this, but people generally get really put off if somone acts like that-no matter how good friends you are. So like i already said, i think you should bite the bullet and ask your friend directly what the problem is.

beks101

Hi OP.

Two things.

One, I agree with others that you seem a little too fixated on this friendship. I've had friends like this - one in particular actually, whose behaviour intensified when I moved in with her, to the point where I had to move out and have a 'cooling off' period where contact almost ceased for a few months.
It's like treating the friendship like a relationship - you have to remember it's not, and although it's meaningful to you, you should be your own person with your own interests and other friends besides this one that you can call on to socialise with and confide in. You have no right to demand her attention, or her time, and if you overstep the mark with her she's likely to just want to distance herself from you even more.


Secondly, this doesn't sound like a mature friendship. Even your constant use of the term 'best friend', you do things for her because 'she's my best friend', you usually stay with your 'best friend.' Maybe it's an age thing, but I've had about half a dozen people who I've called my 'best friend' over the years (mostly primary/secondary school) and most of them have come and gone, haven't a clue where they are or what they're doing today. To me, it sort of puts one friendship on a pedestal, which can lead to disappointment when your 'bff' turns out to be...human.

If you're lucky, some people earn the position of being what you consider a close friend in your life, but that takes time, years, sometimes decades of mutual respect and loyalty to decipher. Try to maintain contact with and develop your friendships with other people, so you're not putting all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. It's healthier to have a slightly wider circle of people you can turn to in situations like these, so the loss of one friendship isn't the end of your world.

Best of luck x

OP one of my best friends and I tend not to talk for weeks. Then we meet and catch up, do some things, go back to living our own lives. That's how I am with a lot of my friends.
Maybe you should back off and live your life a little and spend more time with other friends too...?