I want to get married, he doesnt

LegacyUser

So my boyfriend as the title says, wants me to be strong.
I dont fully understand it.
Its always me that has to be "strong".
Shouldnt the man be the strong one sometimes?

Im sorry if this is rather a small issue compared to the things others are going through, thanks for your patience.

Whenever something comes up that means our needs are in conflict, or differ, it seems that my needs have to be sacrificed so that his can be met.
Its also the case that he needs me to be happy, all the time, so that he can feel better about himself, but the thing is, he wants me to be happy completely independently of him!
When he feels that my happiness on some matter depends on him in some way, he says it makes him feel useless, but somehow if Im happy over something else, it makes him feel good-
its as though his ego takes the credit for something else making me happy.
I dont mind this much, I just dont get it!?
What is that about and how is it fair / how does it make sense?
Im aware that this is a very typical thing with guys, that men like to make women who are already happy, happy. But isnt that a bit strange?
If they think that THEY are needed to make you happy, they dont want to, but if they think you are already happy without you, then they want to give you MORE happiness...?
Isnt this a slight flaw in the universe? I mean really?

Anyway, my issue at present is that plans have fallen through for me and my boyfriend, due to him not getting a course that he had applied for in Dublin.
Because he didnt get it, it means that he will no longer be moving there, and therefore no longer living with me somewhere in that area- we had planned on moving in together when this course began, no one thought for a second that he wouldnt get it!
So we are both a bit uncertain now about the future.
Can we stay together, where will we both live, what will he do for the next year???
We are both sad that the plans of moving in together are kind of scuppered.
My plans are also scuppered, as we were going to use his student loan money to get our place together first off, money which I would then pay back over time (my share of the deposit / first months rent).
I have no where to live now. Im supposed to be living at home with my parents but im really not welcome there. My mother keeps telling me this was / is a temporary arrangement and asks a lot when am I moving out?
I have zero money. My dole was stopped 6 weeks ago and I am still waiting to get my payments back along with the back-pay. So right now, I cant move out on my own.
Usually i would stay with my boyfriend, but now since this has happened and he didnt get the course, he wants space to figure out what hes going to do so that means im back home in my parents house where its really uncomfortable and I'm sick with worry that me and the BF may have to break up if we cant live in the same area / country for the next year.
(I got my course, so I need to be in Dublin- its commuting distance from my parents house, this means there is no option for me to move to be near him, or live where he needs to be- it has to be Dublin).

So, while all these worries / concerns are going on for me, I feel more alone then ever, because what he needs is "space" to work his thoughts out, and he "needs" to not hear about my upset or my concerns or my worries, because it makes him feel worse.
And I understand that, I do, and I respect that he needs that space, but I feel the word "need" is always used in the context of him, and his, and never me, or mine.
Its never a case of "I need" to talk about these worries to feel better about them, and "I need" you to be available to me to vent my upset / concern because thats how I destress.
Or "I need" the one I love to be close to me during times like this etc...
Its always, ok well "you need" space, or "he needs" distance from me to be ok so thats what Ill have to do.
And while I am actually really ok with this, and I suppose I will survive dealing with this uncertainty on my own, it just seems a little unfair.

He said to me today, "I need you to be strong, and be happy on your own during this bad time, because I need space to work things out, and I need to feel like youre happy, so Im less stressed".
In the same sentence he told me that he was weak right now, and unhappy.
So why, dear people of Boards, is it always me that has to be "strong" and "happy" in order to make HIM happy and strong- its never him that needs to be strong for me, or him that needs to be happy despite hearing my upsets.
It seems a bit unbalanced to me?

And just to add, its not just this one case, this is the same with everything that ever crops up for us, I get asked to be "strong" because he "needs" me to accept something, or he "needs" for me to be ok about a decision, or be ok to be alone because he "needs" to be alone too etc.
Its NEVER a case of me saying, I "need" YOU to be strong, and to listen to me, and to hear my opinion about this decision, and to acknowledge that im not ok with x, y, z, and to be ok with the fact that I need company tonight.
Its always me being silenced, and my needs being sacrificed.

Is this just the way the balance goes with guys / girls in relationships?
Is this totally normal? I just need some perspective...
Thanks.

LegacyUser

Hi all.
I am 30 years old, female.
I really want to get married, preferably within the next 2 years.
My boyfriend knows this, he is 29.
We have been together nearly 3 years now, and I feel like I'm at the stage in my life where i want the commitment, and to be sure Im with the person I'll be with for the rest of my life.
I really want children one day, again preferably by the time I'm 34 or 35 at the very latest I'd like to be trying.
The thing is that my boyfriend tells me that marriage and children are secondary in his goals right now, that while he wants those things, one day, and he does think he wants them with me, he wants to achieve a good career, have a job he likes, and money, before he ever even considers it.
This worries me!
He has no job at the moment as he is on career leave, and he does not want to go back to his old job. He has 1 year of the leave left, out of 3, and has done nothing to further his career for the last 2 years. Its too late this year to apply for 1 year postgrad courses.
I just dont see how, if he has done nothing to further his career for the last 2 years, he will be able to have the option of not going back to his job, and be ready in 2 years to get married.
If he wants all those things before he gets married- 2 years seems a short time to achieve a brand new career when he doesnt even have a course lined up.
Im literally sick with worry.
Its on my mind ALL of the time.
All I think about lately is getting married and how much I want that security, or having kids and how at 30 I have a limited amount of years left.
I dont know how I can wait even just 2 more years only to hear that he's still not ready.

It wouldnt be fair of me to make any ultimatums, or demands, if he's not ready then he's not ready- its him I love, not anyone else, but the thoughts of waiting, and being 32 / 33 and finding out that he's either still not ready, or wants to find someone else, would kill me, and leave me with little to no time to find someone else that wants what I want and have children. (when I say find someone else, I mean that if we are not married, then the commitment to stay together for life isnt there and he's leaving his options open)

Im at a complete loss as to what I should do
I need some advice, badly.

Getting married and having children (adopted or my own) is the main goal of my life, so its not something I can just sit by and be lax about.
And the money for getting married is there, I'm lucky enough that my parents have a savings account for my wedding should I ever get engaged. They are traditional like that.

I just dont know what to do
Should I wait, possibly be waiting for longer then Id like, and possibly miss my chance to have kids?
Or should I take his uncertainty as a sign that he just doenst want to marry me at all and probably never will, so I should just move on and find someone else?

PLEASE HELP!!

fungun

Want_to_get_married wrote: »

Hi all.
he wants to achieve a good career.....He has no job at the moment as he is on career leave, and he does not want to go back to his old job.

All I think about lately is getting married and how much I want that security, or having kids and how at 30 I have a limited amount of years left....It wouldnt be fair of me to make any ultimatums, or demands, if he's not ready then he's not ready......Getting married and having children (adopted or my own) is the main goal of my life,

Bit of compromise here is needed. You want kinds, he wants a job - current status is he gets what he wants....and he is not recognising your wishes.
Ultimatums/demands have bad press because they are 'active'....but essentially he is giving you an ultimatum but its 'passive', because what he wants is the status quo.

You have different priorities, this happens. But there seems to be tacit agreement for the last while to go with his wishes yet he has done absolutely nothing about it. Id be pissed off about this bit if I was you.

Personally, it sounds to me like he doesnt want kids and is doing anything he can to delay the inevitable. For your reln to work he needs to at least agree in principle to having kids (has he?)....and being fair to you should provide either a timeline or a goal (with a plan) of how he is going to get there. From your post it does not sound like he is in a hurry to get there so you can still have kids when you want them.

I am a friend

Yeah he is only thinking of himself. Is he actually working / studying at all at the moment?

Is this the first time this has come up in three years?

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Yeah he is only thinking of himself. Is he actually working / studying at all at the moment?

Is this the first time this has come up in three years?

Hi. No its not. Recently I have told him exactly what I want, that I would like to be married in about 2 years, and that I want to start trying for kids when im about 33/34.
He knows exactly what I want, but says he cannot guarantee anything!
He says he'd "like" to be there in 2 or 3 years, but he cant guarantee that he will be,
which is fair enough, I know that.
But it kind of leaves me hanging.
It means that it could happen that in 2-3 years he says, no, I never gave you any guarantees, and I dont want marriage now, or kids- and then where would that leave me?
It would leave me at 33 and starting then from scratch to find someone else who wanted what I wanted, and limited years of fertility left to have the children I want...

Re: working / studying. He took 3 years leave being offered to him from his last job, a job he can return to next year. For the last 2 years he has made no plans and spent all his money on trying to make a career in poker.
Back then, when this first started and he had thousands in savings, I suggested to him that he needed a plan, to maybe save some of his money for a course along the lines to further his career options come next year, but he dismissed what I said, and basically told me I was bothering him and nagging him- he just wanted to live day to day, and whatever happened happened- he doesnt like making plans etc.
Only now, with all his money gone, and a failed application to do a course that I in fact pointed him in the direction of because I knew he'd never look this stuff up himself, is he realising his mistakes.
He's broke, has achieved nothing in 2 years, and did not get the course he applied for at the last possible chance he had to do one (he only has from now til next Aug / Sept of his leave left.)
We were supposed to be moving in together in Dublin, for him to do this 1 year course and me to get full time work which im still applying for, plus I am doing a part time course in Dublin that started this Autumn, Ill be finished it in 3 years when Im 33, hence my timeline for being 33 when I start trying for kids.
Now that he hasnt got that course, plans for us living together for the next year are ruined, and I had supposed that after living together for a year (we had lived together before for a year and got on great) we would get engaged and then plan for a wedding a year after that. I have talked to him about this, he knows that id like this to happen in around this time-frame, and had said that sure, if things go well for the year we are living together then that would probably happen for us, but again he makes no promises or solid plans.
Now living together for the year is probably off the cards unless at this short notice he can find another course to do in Dublin for the year.

I just wish we could get engaged even, so that Id know where I stood with him, but every time I mention marriage now I get guilty and end up apologising for putting pressure on him. I know a woman should really wait for a man to ask her, its just that I know what I want, and I cant sit by, I feel I need to work towards it and do something about it.

I just feel lost, not sure what to do, what not to do?
should I shut up about marriage and just wait and see what happens,
or ask to get engaged at least so that I know this is permanent even if he's not ready for the marriage?

Im just at a loss, I really am

I am a friend

Just quickly - how long ago did you first bring this up with him? 1/3/5/8 months ago????

You can sense your panic / stress from your posts. Personally as he is not willing to make any plans with you, after 3 years together, with your clock ticking as loudly as it obviously is, I would move on as I don't see him giving you what you want.

coolcat63

He's spent two years losing thousands trying to be a poker player??

Walk. No, don't walk - run for the hills!

Seriously, you seem to have tunnel vision with regard to your life plan - marriage and kids - without considering whether your partner is suitable as a husband and father...

ElleEm

Want_to_get_married wrote: »

Hi all.
I am 30 years old, female.
I really want to get married, preferably within the next 2 years.
My boyfriend knows this, he is 29.
We have been together nearly 3 years now, and I feel like I'm at the stage in my life where i want the commitment, and to be sure Im with the person I'll be with for the rest of my life.
I really want children one day, again preferably by the time I'm 34 or 35 at the very latest I'd like to be trying.
The thing is that my boyfriend tells me that marriage and children are secondary in his goals right now, that while he wants those things, one day, and he does think he wants them with me, he wants to achieve a good career, have a job he likes, and money, before he ever even considers it.
This worries me!
He has no job at the moment as he is on career leave, and he does not want to go back to his old job. He has 1 year of the leave left, out of 3, and has done nothing to further his career for the last 2 years. Its too late this year to apply for 1 year postgrad courses.
I just dont see how, if he has done nothing to further his career for the last 2 years, he will be able to have the option of not going back to his job, and be ready in 2 years to get married.
If he wants all those things before he gets married- 2 years seems a short time to achieve a brand new career when he doesnt even have a course lined up.
Im literally sick with worry.
Its on my mind ALL of the time.
All I think about lately is getting married and how much I want that security, or having kids and how at 30 I have a limited amount of years left.
I dont know how I can wait even just 2 more years only to hear that he's still not ready.

It wouldnt be fair of me to make any ultimatums, or demands, if he's not ready then he's not ready- its him I love, not anyone else, but the thoughts of waiting, and being 32 / 33 and finding out that he's either still not ready, or wants to find someone else, would kill me, and leave me with little to no time to find someone else that wants what I want and have children. (when I say find someone else, I mean that if we are not married, then the commitment to stay together for life isnt there and he's leaving his options open)

Im at a complete loss as to what I should do
I need some advice, badly.

Getting married and having children (adopted or my own) is the main goal of my life, so its not something I can just sit by and be lax about.
And the money for getting married is there, I'm lucky enough that my parents have a savings account for my wedding should I ever get engaged. They are traditional like that.

I just dont know what to do
Should I wait, possibly be waiting for longer then Id like, and possibly miss my chance to have kids?
Or should I take his uncertainty as a sign that he just doenst want to marry me at all and probably never will, so I should just move on and find someone else?

PLEASE HELP!!

This sentence was a red flag for me.
After three years together, I would have thought that a person would KNOW if they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. I can't imagine how it must feel for you, really WANTING to get married and have children with a man who "thinks" he "might" want to get married and have children with you .
An ultimatum would be a silly decision, as you said. If he is not ready now, after 3 years, I doubt he deserves you.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Just quickly - how long ago did you first bring this up with him? 1/3/5/8 months ago????

You can sense your panic / stress from your posts. Personally as he is not willing to make any plans with you, after 3 years together, with your clock ticking as loudly as it obviously is, I would move on as I don't see him giving you what you want.

Since the very start he's known my desires for my life, ie: marriage, kids.
He's always known I want those things.
Then over a year ago definitely we said to each other in passing that we'd like to see ourselves getting married to each other.
At least 8 months ago, at the VERY least the subject of my fertility and wanting to have babies before Im 35 was brought up with him.
And then more recently, like maybe 3 months ago, I said straight that I would like to get engaged by the time I hit my 31st bday next June, and like to get married in 2013.
Thats when we talked about getting engaged within a year, while living together etc.

Re: the stress... You have no idea!!!
For the last 6 months now Id say this issue has been weighing on my mind hugely. I *am* with him 3 years, and in my heart and in my head I almost feel like Im already married to a person because I factor him into all my plans, Im there for him, I spend most of my time with him, I know I can be loyal to him for the rest of my life. Financially I feel that we help each other out. Everything. I feel married to someone in all respects except that I dont have the security of a ring and having it down on paper- if that makes sense?
I dont want to do this "going out with someone" lark anymore. I give him more then that, and I want a relationship thats more then that. I proper commitment.
Its driving me mad, but sometimes I think Im being really unfair on him,
like what am I doing telling him Id like this by then, and this by then, I should just leave it up to him when he's ready.
Just finding it really hard to suppress my wishes If i have to keep suppressing them for 2 more years I think id go insane.

Thanks for your replies.

fungun

He knows exactly what I want, but says he cannot guarantee anything!
He says he'd "like" to be there in 2 or 3 years, but he cant guarantee that he will be,
which is fair enough, I know that.

Personally I dont think this is 'fair enough' actually.

He would 'like' to be with you in 2 years time? If he really wants to be with you in 2 years time, he should be saying it more strongly than that surely. And if he knows what you want in 2/3 years, then he should be making plans to get there, not trying to play poker and losing thousands.

Sounds to me like he is not all that serious about you, Im sorry to say. If you really want children that badly then Id be considering the reln - not an ultimatum, but Id be looking for some signs of commitment to your joint future from him if I were you.

Firetrap

It's clear from your posts that both of you are moving at different speeds. You've gotten to a stage of your life where you want to get cracking on settling down and having kids.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn't sound like he wants to commit to anything really. The poker thing would have been a red flag for me. That and his taking leave from his job and not doing anything constructive with his time. All he succeeded in doing, from what I could see, was to fail miserably at poker and blow his savings. For most people, careers with good pay don't fall into their laps - they achieve them through hard work and graft. Something that I suspect is somewhat alien to your boyfriend.

Obviously I don't know your boyfriend and I could be very hard on the chap. He sounds somewhat feckless to me and not someone who's all that pushed about getting married or having kids. The fact that you feel you're the bad guy for wanting commitment says it all really.

LegacyUser

ElleEm wrote: »

This sentence was a red flag for me.
After three years together, I would have thought that a person would KNOW if they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. I can't imagine how it must feel for you, really WANTING to get married and have children with a man who "thinks" he "might" want to get married and have children with you .
An ultimatum would be a silly decision, as you said. If he is not ready now, after 3 years, I doubt he deserves you.

Thank you.
I have said this to him myself, if you dont know by now for SURE, then Im probably not the right girl. But he insists then, no of course I want to be with you forever, I want to spend the rest of my life with you! But anything can happen in 2 years.
But then why, if he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, when he knows how much I want that security, wont he just propose so we can get engaged, and I can know its for real, and we can wait to plan the wedding in a few years time when we're (he's) ready for that bit, money wise and stress wise.
Id be very happy with that. More then happy in fact, Id be over the moon if I just got that bit of security from him!

He's a very contrary person in general though, he still doesnt know what he wants for his career yet he says a good career and a job that gives him satisfaction is his main goal right now!
And when you ask him, well you cant make plans until you know what kind of career you want, what do you think you'd like to do? He gets all panicy and defensive and stressed and says "I dont KNOW!!"

He's 29 now, only a year younger then me so its not like he's still only a young fella, and I love him dearly, but he seems so unsure about anything in his life, not just me...

Sorry if it all comes across as stressed and panicy when I write, I am quite stressed today

coolcat63

You've also posted about wanting to get married - right?

I think this guy is telling you to be strong because he really doesn't give a toss about you. He sounds extremely selfish and immature and he is stringing you along until he finds someone else.

Sorry.

ETD - he should be in touch with Gamblers Anonymous as a matter of urgency.

I am a friend

Ok was just curious if this was a recent topic...

Op I have to say I am finding your posts too long (and a bit frantic) to read properly. From what I did read it would seem like you are on different paths and you should move on.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

It's clear from your posts that both of you are moving at different speeds. You've gotten to a stage of your life where you want to get cracking on settling down and having kids.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn't sound like he wants to commit to anything really. The poker thing would have been a red flag for me. That and his taking leave from his job and not doing anything constructive with his time. All he succeeded in doing, from what I could see, was to fail miserably at poker and blow his savings. For most people, careers with good pay don't fall into their laps - they achieve them through hard work and graft. Something that I suspect is somewhat alien to your boyfriend.

Obviously I don't know your boyfriend and I could be very hard on the chap. He sounds somewhat feckless to me and not someone who's all that pushed about getting married or having kids. The fact that you feel you're the bad guy for wanting commitment says it all really.

Thanks for your mature and rational response. Its calmed me down a good bit.
With the poker thing, and someone else mentioned it being a "run for the hills" scenario also, there are actually professional players out there that have their career in playing poker.
He's always been mad about poker and a lot of his savings that he threw away were actually won through online poker, which he used to play after work when he was still in his job.
He has been playing professionally for the last 2 years, on the UK & Ireland poker scene, like the UKIPT's that are shown on Channel 4 now, he's played most of those stops, and last year he did well. But this year not so much, and poker is not a good career choice. Its hard to do well in and ego's get battered.
It doesnt give you back what you put in, like other jobs do. How hard you work and how long you play does not equal what you win, or that you'll win at all!
This is the problem, and his lack of foresight, the what-if's, and the lack of plans.

He was one of these guys who excelled in school, top of his class, all through primary and secondary, people expected great things from him!
He went to college then and did ok, nothing great, probably didnt work as hard as he should have. Maybe things came too easy to him before, he didnt realise what hard work was?
And so then, with a mediocre degree, and flunking out of his masters twice, he hit a low. How can I be doing so badly, Im supposed to be brilliant, people expect me to have a fantastic job etc. So anyway, he got a mediocre (albeit secure) job in a good establishment. But he wasnt happy with it, it wasnt challenging enough or rewarding enough, hence him taking the career leave offered and then trying to become a full time poker pro, which challenges him. It worked until all his money was gone

I never tried to stop him from following his poker dreams, believe me I supported him no end. Ive been to all sorts of tournaments all over the UK & Ire with him supporting him.
I stood by and watched him, knowing it would possibly come to this, not wanting him to put all his energy into something so uncertain, but when I tried to talk to him about it I was silenced because he didnt want to hear it, or make plans. I guess he had to find this out for himself, the hard way.
You cant control the ones you love. You have to let them be who they are, but when do you make that choice to walk away, that time when you know, what we want is just too different for it to work?
Its harder when he says he *does* want that stuff too, he's just not sure when!

So- do I wait for him to catch up, since we are going at different speeds as another poster said, or do I give him an option.... Get engaged so I know where this is going, and if you still cant do that then I walk cos youre obviously still not sure about me after this long- and possibly lose the one I love?

Wish someone else could make the choice for me

ElleEm

StrongStrong wrote: »

So my boyfriend as the title says, wants me to be strong.
I dont fully understand it.
Its always me that has to be "strong".
Shouldnt the man be the strong one sometimes?

Im sorry if this is rather a small issue compared to the things others are going through, thanks for your patience.

Whenever something comes up that means our needs are in conflict, or differ, it seems that my needs have to be sacrificed so that his can be met.
Its also the case that he needs me to be happy, all the time, so that he can feel better about himself, but the thing is, he wants me to be happy completely independently of him!
When he feels that my happiness on some matter depends on him in some way, he says it makes him feel useless, but somehow if Im happy over something else, it makes him feel good-
its as though his ego takes the credit for something else making me happy.
I dont mind this much, I just dont get it!?
What is that about and how is it fair / how does it make sense?
Im aware that this is a very typical thing with guys, that men like to make women who are already happy, happy. But isnt that a bit strange?
If they think that THEY are needed to make you happy, they dont want to, but if they think you are already happy without you, then they want to give you MORE happiness...?
Isnt this a slight flaw in the universe? I mean really?

Anyway, my issue at present is that plans have fallen through for me and my boyfriend, due to him not getting a course that he had applied for in Dublin.
Because he didnt get it, it means that he will no longer be moving there, and therefore no longer living with me somewhere in that area- we had planned on moving in together when this course began, no one thought for a second that he wouldnt get it!
So we are both a bit uncertain now about the future.
Can we stay together, where will we both live, what will he do for the next year???
We are both sad that the plans of moving in together are kind of scuppered.
My plans are also scuppered, as we were going to use his student loan money to get our place together first off, money which I would then pay back over time (my share of the deposit / first months rent).
I have no where to live now. Im supposed to be living at home with my parents but im really not welcome there. My mother keeps telling me this was / is a temporary arrangement and asks a lot when am I moving out?
I have zero money. My dole was stopped 6 weeks ago and I am still waiting to get my payments back along with the back-pay. So right now, I cant move out on my own.
Usually i would stay with my boyfriend, but now since this has happened and he didnt get the course, he wants space to figure out what hes going to do so that means im back home in my parents house where its really uncomfortable and I'm sick with worry that me and the BF may have to break up if we cant live in the same area / country for the next year.
(I got my course, so I need to be in Dublin- its commuting distance from my parents house, this means there is no option for me to move to be near him, or live where he needs to be- it has to be Dublin).

So, while all these worries / concerns are going on for me, I feel more alone then ever, because what he needs is "space" to work his thoughts out, and he "needs" to not hear about my upset or my concerns or my worries, because it makes him feel worse.
And I understand that, I do, and I respect that he needs that space, but I feel the word "need" is always used in the context of him, and his, and never me, or mine.
Its never a case of "I need" to talk about these worries to feel better about them, and "I need" you to be available to me to vent my upset / concern because thats how I destress.
Or "I need" the one I love to be close to me during times like this etc...
Its always, ok well "you need" space, or "he needs" distance from me to be ok so thats what Ill have to do.
And while I am actually really ok with this, and I suppose I will survive dealing with this uncertainty on my own, it just seems a little unfair.

He said to me today, "I need you to be strong, and be happy on your own during this bad time, because I need space to work things out, and I need to feel like youre happy, so Im less stressed".
In the same sentence he told me that he was weak right now, and unhappy.
So why, dear people of Boards, is it always me that has to be "strong" and "happy" in order to make HIM happy and strong- its never him that needs to be strong for me, or him that needs to be happy despite hearing my upsets.
It seems a bit unbalanced to me?

And just to add, its not just this one case, this is the same with everything that ever crops up for us, I get asked to be "strong" because he "needs" me to accept something, or he "needs" for me to be ok about a decision, or be ok to be alone because he "needs" to be alone too etc.
Its NEVER a case of me saying, I "need" YOU to be strong, and to listen to me, and to hear my opinion about this decision, and to acknowledge that im not ok with x, y, z, and to be ok with the fact that I need company tonight.
Its always me being silenced, and my needs being sacrificed.

Is this just the way the balance goes with guys / girls in relationships?
Is this totally normal? I just need some perspective...
Thanks.

This is quite the warning sign! Your boyfriend is clearly not in the same place as you regarding your relationship. He needs time and space, and you are pushing to get married and have children (as per your other thread).

I'm sorry, OP, but your relationship seems to be doomed.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Ok was just curious if this was a recent topic...

Op I have to say I am finding your posts too long (and a bit frantic) to read properly. From what I did read it would seem like you are on different paths and you should move on.

Yeah sorry about that
Definitely feeling pretty frantic right now!
I apologise.

seenitall

Want_to_get_married wrote: »

I just wish we could get engaged even, so that Id know where I stood with him,

Hi OP,

unfortunately, you do know where you stand with your b/f, you just don't like it ; stop kidding yourself that getting an engagement ring on his finger will make him a different guy - it won't. You will still be stuck in a rut with someone whose priorities are spending money, playing cards and enjoying himself, and certainly NOT building a future with you.

You do know all this, don't you? Now you have to be brave enough and love yourself enough to act on it. That's the hard part, I know. But it would/will be much harder still in another 12, 24, 36... months down the road.

tl, dr; You are barking up the wrong tree, OP. Quit while you're ahead. Move on. Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

I've been in relationships where I've been that way with women and I've been in relationships where I haven’t.

I dont know your boyfriend and dont know what going on in his head so I'm not gonna pretend I do. What I'm gonna tell you is what was going on inside my head when I was that way in relationships.

Basically every single girl I've treated like that I didnt respect and felt they were inferior to me. Sounds horrible but it wasnt a conscious thought of I'm better than this girl or anything. You just sort of start to take advantage a little, and when it becomes apparent you will get what you want you just take your partner for granted. Even though your in a relationship the fact that you see yourself as the alpha male puts you in a mindset of the relationship depends on you and you end up thinking your feelings and emotions and whats going on inside your head is more important that whats going on in your partners.

Its about your boyfriend feeling like you need him and depend on him but he doesnt need or depend on you. Your one step from homeless and he doesnt care because he wants space. To add to that he wants you to be happy (regardless of your situation) so he doesnt feel bad. He sees your situation and feelings as secondary to his own.

Any relationship I was ever in when I was that way with a girl has ended with me realising I didnt even really like her. It was company for a while but little else. In other relationships I couldnt get my way and the girls didnt stand for my feelings taking priority putting us on an equal footing.

I'm not saying your guy is the way I was but you need to establish yourself as an equal partner in this relationship. If you dont he will dominate the relationship and eventually lose interest in you or grind down your self esteem if he does stick around.

My advice is to find out what he really thinks of you. Tell him your situation and how it makes you feel. If he is still of the mind that only his problems matter then tell him things need to change or dump him. Life is too short to be an extra in somebody elses life.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, yes you are right, same person!
I almost forgot I posted this as I was on the other thread replying (sorry MODs for making more then 1 thread, although slightly different issue both times- feel free to delete this one!)

LegacyUser

Want_to_get_married wrote: »

or wants to find someone else,




he's leaving his options open

These two bits of your post jumped out at me. How can you claim to want to marry someone when you're scared of him leaving you? It boggles my mind! I wouldn't stay with my boyfriend if I had any inkling or fear that he might head off whenever it suits him!

And to be quite honest, he's being a bit of a dick. He's stringing you along saying 'maybe in a few years'. Bullsh*t. Basically he's holding all the cards, he knows it and he's not willing to compromise.

Cut him loose. You deserve a man who's on the same page as you, and has a modicum understanding of biology.

Miss Fluff

Want_to_get_married wrote: »

I just feel lost, not sure what to do, what not to do?
should I shut up about marriage and just wait and see what happens,
or ask to get engaged at least so that I know this is permanent even if he's not ready for the marriage?

:eek: Know that this is permanent? You cannot be serious. He clearly doesn't want to get married so getting engaged to him does not in any indicate permanence of any type at all. On the contrary. Why would you think that?

More than likely you'd force him into getting engaged and then be posting on here again in a few years wondering why he won't actually set a date and go ahead with a wedding.

I still think at 30 you're young and have plenty of time to meet someone who will love you and wants those things too. You have this very definite timeline in your mind that you will get engaged/married/conceive immediately but unfortunately life doesn't always work out the way you planned. I'm not being unsympathetic here but you are coming across as mildly histrionic in your posts and while I appreciate that you are upset, allowing yourself this level of hurt because things aren't working out to YOUR timelines and in your way is not a great way to live your life.

What I'm trying to say is. If this man can't give you what you want then by all means break free - there is no point in being someone on a different path who does not want the same things and who obviously doesn't want to marry you. Good that you have more self-esteem than that.

By the same token, don't then launch yourself into another disastrous relationship with yet again rigidly set-down timelines, i.e. must date as many people as possible, must find "the One" within six weeks, he must propose within a year, married within two, get pregnant on honeymoon.....do you get what I'm saying?

Your post is peppered with very definite timelines and dates which is really rather disturbing.

It sounds like the guy you are with may not be the one for you so I'd break free too if I wanted the things you want. You do have to prepare yourself however that the things you aspire to may not happen overnight so you do need to prepare yourself for that.

I wish you well.

Tigger99

Op if there was something that you really wanted would you sit there thinking that you wanted it without doing anything about it?

My guess is that you wouldn't.

Your boyf just sounds so half arsed about your future. You guys are supposed to be in the honeymoon period now, only 3 years in. If he's like this now do you honestly think he will improve in the future?

By the way does he smoke dope by the way? His whole attitude to life just seems so lethargic.

Distorted

He sounds like a prize procrastinator. But you both sound so mismatched (sorry). I wonder if your "schedule" comes from feeling so stressed and out of control? You might be more relaxed with a more organised partner. Though regarding the age for having children, you are right as it will get more difficult the longer you wait.

Honestly, I would run for the hills, and do it asap so you still have time to meet someone else. You'd be better off single because this man is not going to give you what you want, or at least not willingly.

Far more concerning though is his not working. I'm gobsmacked at a job that will take him back after three years without some requirment to have bettered himself in that time. As for the failed professional poker player bit, well thats just ridiculous. My boyfriend got a job application in once from someone who claimed to have been trying to make it as a professional poker player for the past two years, and it went straight in the bin. Its simply code for being a lazy waste of space and a betting addiction.

Would I also be right in guessing that you have been paying the bills and him basically living off you while you go out to work in this time?

Esoteric_

He's not willing to commit to you in any real way (as per your other thread), he refuses to agree or disagree to marriage and children, he didn't get the course because (as far as I can remember from your other thread) he applied too late, he won't listen to your needs, only his own, he wants space to think about things, and he clearly has a gambling problem since he wasted all his money (which was a fairly substantial amount from what you said) on playing poker.

This guy is not husband, father or even boyfriend material.

I have a friend that sounds like him, actually. Proposed to his girlfriend of 3 years, but refused to actually commit, set a date, or even start saving. Never had a real job and his number one goal at the moment is to be world poker champion, despite not really knowing how to play poker. His girlfriend dumped him over it all, and I can see why.

Nobody actually makes money from poker, let alone a career! I mean, yeah you have people who have the odd big win and that's great, but far, FAR more lose a lot of money, and the odds of him making a full career from playing poker is one in a million, being realistic. Gambling is NOT a career.


This guy doesn't care about you, I'm sorry to say. He might not be TELLING you that he doesn't want to be with you properly, but he's sure as hell SHOWING you. Grab up your self respect and dump him.

qwertytlk

This guy sounds very selfish and single minded. And its not normal for men to be like that, in my experience. At least not the nice ones. If somethings upsetting me my partner would listen to my worrys, help me come up with a solution and try and make me feel better. Not tell me to plaster a smile on my face so he can deal with his own problems. Tbh, i cant believe your putting up with this ****! If im totally honest, i feel that he is only out for himself and really doesnt care about your feelings. Well thats what im getting from what youve said anyway. If i were you id cut my losses and move on. Find someone whos willing to respect you, treat you as an equal, be there for you emotionally and just generally care for you the way someone who says they love you is suppossed to.
As for you accomadation dielma, well can u not get a grant, or rent allowance? You should be entitled to rent allowance if your on the dole. They will also help you with a deposit in certain circumstances. See you communtiy welfare officer for more info. Best of luck

Firetrap

OK, so this is probably going against the charter but I think it's relevant to ask. OP, are you the same person who posted this thread in the main PI forum? So many of the details in that thread are like the ones in this one. I ask because it is filling in a lot more detail about your relationship and how you've gotten to where you are now.

Firetrap

From what I can see, your boyfriend is the centre of the universe and you are the one revolving around it and being dictated by his gravitational pull. Sorry about the clunky scientific metaphor there but that's what it looks like from here. So much of this seems to be on his terms, not yours. As the others have said, he does sound like he's incredibly self-centred, irresponsible and not particularly concerned about anything that's any way long term. You are the only one who's getting hot and bothered about it but he has more or less told you to back off.

You've been left somewhat high and dry because your plans centred around him and he has barely lifted a finger to help from what I can see. If you are the person who posted in the other thread, you're looking at a man who's around 30 years of age who has dropped out of work, blown his savings on gambling, hasn't done anything to advance his career (despite his desire to have a great job with good money) and has no intention of returning to his old job. Something tells me that if you weren't there in the background, trying to prod him into doing stuff, he'd happily drift along on his cloud of indifference.

Honestly, I don't think things are ever going to go anywhere for ye. It is never a good sign when one person is doing the bulk of the chasing. If you want marriage/kids, as you mentioned in the other thread, you'd be better off cutting your losses. This chap is way too selfish, feckless and irresponsible to be a husband, let alone a father.

Taltos

OP - I have merged your two threads.
While you noted that they were on different issues they do relate to the same relationship, hence here is the best place to continue this discussion.

Taltos

Curry Addict

some insight from my experience playing poker.
when you play a poker session its an emotional rollercoaster. after playing a few hundred hands you are emotionally drained, when you win you feel good. when you lose you feel really bad and particularly emotionally numb and have lost usually a fair amount of money.
As you play day after day you do become emotionally numb and unable to handle other peoples emotions.
when he says to you be strong hes really saying it to himself. its also very important to have a positive mindset before you start a poker session otherwise you can make bad decisions so he will distance himself from you then.
the wins and losses give big moodswings. it was common for me to lose maybe 400e in a session but the next session i could win 600e etc.

a good poker player doesnt lose money in medium to long term and never loses his own money. he will only lose some of his winnings in the short term. he works with a bankroll and moves up and down the limits and NEVER goes bust. if your boyfriend lost his money then hes not really a poker player hes a gambler. this is the difference!
to become a poker pro you dont quit your job until you can replace it with steady poker earnings, usually. if you do otherwise you are only fooling yourself.
most good players use tracking sofware that can tell at the click of a button how good you really are.

with regards your bfs poker there are a lot of red flags that suggest hes a gambler.

Chucky the tree

Looking at your current financial and living situation I really don't blame him for wanting to wait. You have zero money, rely on the dole, live at home(you even expect him to use his student loan which you'll pay back at some unknown date in the future) yet you want a wedding and to start to have kids in 4 years time at the latest? I think that is very unrealistic. It seems both of you have put no effort into seriously planning for this at all and it seems suddenly your biogical clock has exploded and you now have an urge for marraige and kids.

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Looking at your current financial and living situation I really don't blame him for wanting to wait. You have zero money, rely on the dole, live at home(you even expect him to use his student loan which you'll pay back at some unknown date in the future) yet you want a wedding and to start to have kids in 4 years time at the latest? I think that is very unrealistic. It seems both of you have put no effort into seriously planning for this at all and it seems suddenly your biogical clock has exploded and you now have an urge for marraige and kids.

Well I'm sure the OP realises she should have been more focused sooner, but that's not going to help with the issue now. Four years is actually a very reasonable time to be prepared to wait, especially given her age. The reality is that if they were both on the same page they could start their family today and still manage. OP, I think you need to bite the bullet on this. Have a very serious chat and be very clear on your boundaries. Accept nothing less. If you break up the heartbreak will hurt for a year but not as much as the heartbreak of being dumped and childless in your mid thirties. I broke up with a man who didn't want kids (yet? ever?) when I was 29. Now I'm 36 and I can barely even remember him.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for their replies.
To the above poster (second above)
I am doing a course at the moment to become qualified in what I want to do for my future.
Its part time so that I can still work full-time while I do it for the next 3 years.
I have thought ahead and by the time I am turning 33 I will be qualified to do what I want to do.
I had a decent enough job until April 2010 when I was unfairly fired and received compensation money when I got a solicitor.
I used some of that money to do the foundation year for the course I am now doing.
Its not my choice to be out of a job, and I am finding it hard to get another one.
I might also add that when I got fired from my job me and my BF were long distance, me going to see him in his home town 99.9999999% of the time because he told me at one point that if he had to do the travelling half of the time he would rather break up, and I stupidly decided I would take that load to save from losing him! (yes...I know!)
So after I lost my job I actually moved to his home town to live with him, where there was no work really, except that I did that foundation course to get me into the Degree Im now doing.
So I do have a plan. And we were only going to use part of his student loan to move out so that we could both move in together sooner rather then later.
My dole has been cut off for the last 7 weeks (since moving back home from his home town to get work in Dublin and start my course in Dublin it wasnt put back on in the new social welfare office yet) so I have been expecting, and still am, a big amount of back-pay which I would then give him my share of the costs from.

Most days I am with him in his parents house visiting he would be playing poker, and I would be left to my own devises. I never complained.
He would sometimes get really angry or upset over losses and I would remain quiet and calm as thats what he needed, although it unnerved me.
I suggested at one point when he was moaning about how upset it made him to lost when he didnt deserve to etc had he ever considered giving it a bit of a break for a while to get the other things in his life more attention, and he reacted very angrily and told me to be quiet and not speak about it basically.
Also I had a day of being really upset over family issues while I was in his (one of only a few odd- apart- days upset over this issue in about 6 months) and in the end he reacted my telling me that unless I could stop being upset over this family issue then we would be breaking up!! And it was only a day I was upset- 1 day- yet I sit and remain calm and patient with him getting moody day after day over poker... And any time I try to voice these irritations he will get annoyed, or storm out of the room, or say he doesnt want to talk, or that Im nagging, and he wont take me "giving out to him" when Im just talking to him in a rational way explaining how i feel!!!
Ive forgiven and let things from the past go, although when I remember them they still upset me, like times when I was sick and he wasnt working and I asked him to visit me and he just told me no, its too far to go to see you, there's no point. Even though I did that trip tonnes of time to see him on weekends when I was working and he wasnt sick, and its NOT far at all...
Or finding out that during a rough patch where he was telling me he loved me etc he emailed another girl calling her sexy and gorgeous and really hurt me. He said I had to let it go and never mention it or bring it up or we were over.
So I had to just swallow that hurt and if I even hit anywhere near the subject of him doing that he loses it and tells me Im not allowed go there. It was very hard to deal with the feelings it left me with when I couldnt talk to him about them.

I love this guy very much, and ive done SOOO much to keep us together, and be there for him, and make it work, and sometimes I just feel like there's this huge imbalance.
He says he does give me what I want, that he accepts my calls when I call him even though he wants space (even though he'd be complaining about it while saying it, and even though he'd have said to me he'd like / love if I called him to say goodnight, or let him know how my classes went). This to him is his making an effort, and seeing to my needs!!

Sorry for more of the ranting, but Im just at the end of my wits with this and I still dont know what to do, im TERRIFIED of us breaking up because I know the pain will kill me.
I cant bare to lose him really, I do care for him a lot, but feel like im running out of steam.

Oh, and someone else spoke about my timeline being disgusting...
I understand where youre coming from but the reasons I had those kinds of times in my mind is because I finish my course in 3 years when Im 33 and I suppose I feel that would be the right time to start for children, so Id like to be married maybe a year before that (to give time to the marriage before kids came along).
The course will give me a qualification I can use to work on my own, in my own time, my own hours, so this is another thing I had in mind regards planning for a family, that with this job I could take clients at times that suited my own schedule, if I ever have children.

Thanks all for listening and the support.

coolcat63

Apologies for being blunt but this guy doesn't give a flying one for you or your feelings.

Please read back your post :

"he told me at one point that if he had to do the travelling half of the time he would rather break up"

"he reacted very angrily and told me to be quiet and not speak about it basically"

"he reacted my telling me that unless I could stop being upset over this family issue then we would be breaking up"

"any time I try to voice these irritations he will get annoyed, or storm out of the room, or say he doesnt want to talk, or that Im nagging, and he wont take me "giving out to him""

"I was sick and he wasnt working and I asked him to visit me and he just told me no, its too far to go to see you, there's no point"

"he emailed another girl calling her sexy and gorgeous and really hurt me. He said I had to let it go and never mention it or bring it up or we were over"

I sincerely hope at some stage soon you wake up and realise that you would be much, much better on your own than with a person who doesn't care about you, has no intention of marrying you or having children with you and who will drop you when it suits him.

Please have some self-respect and build a life for yourself without this dead weight.

Miss Fluff

Want_to_get_married wrote: »

Sorry for more of the ranting, but Im just at the end of my wits with this and I still dont know what to do, im TERRIFIED of us breaking up because I know the pain will kill me.
I cant bare to lose him really

The pain won't kill you. The pain can't possible be any worse than being a doormat to someone who doesn't even love you could it? Sorry to be so harsh OP but that's how it stands. You don't seem to get that this man doesn't care for you and certainly won't be marrying you - he has no interest and you time and again are pushing a closed door. The relationship isn't going anywhere.

You really need to walk away from this and from him. It's evident your self-esteem is shot to **** as it is but you really need to extricate yourself before he drags you down completely.

lazygal

I don't understand what kind of relationship you have OP. You seem to do ALL the running, you're the one travelling, sitting while he plays poker and YOU'VE done all it took to keep this "relationship" going. I think you know in your heart of hearts he's never going to marry you. You are doing yourself no favours maintaining this behaviour. In fact, because you consider yourself seriously involved with this man, you are preventing yourself from meeting someone much better.

How can you expect to spend your life with someone who you can't talk about serious matters with? What if you do get engaged and start planning the wedding, and you differ over what ceremony to have, i.e. religious or civil? Will he storm off? If you have children and he can't agree on a name, will he storm off? If you have a financial crisis, will he just refuse to discuss it?